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Midnight Conversation at Riversleigh Manor

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

I wrote this a couple of years ago- and it’s one of my favorites because of the two nameless ‘characters’.

I don’t where they came from but I like them-they’re bone chilling.

With that….

Enjoy! 

From my Soul Food Cafe Prompt Archives 

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There’s something buried in the Gardener’s Shed and why would someone bury something that wasn’t dead yet?

The thing in the shed isn’t buried very deep, so if you were to crawl over the dead fall in front of the door and were able to push your way through he matted cobwebs and you didn’t mind the smell of rotting leaves and small unburied creatures you’d find  there under the window a slightly raised mound of earth.

Were you to look at the raised mound long enough and the light somehow managed to find it’s way through the little panes of glass covered with dust and dirt you’d think someone was lying there on their side with one arm cradling their cheek and the other laying comfortably on their side.

Wouldn’t you?

If you brought a flashlight and the beam was bright you might think you could see something wrong with the entire left side of the sleeping figure’s face. You might think that maybe that the face was gone, smashed in by something like that shovel in the corner.

Isn’t that right?

They might wonder what you were doing back there in a rotting shed behind the Manor House in the dead of Night, they might see you take the shovel and try to smooth and pound that little raised mound of Earth flat.

That’s what they’d see wouldn’t they?

So I must ask you again, why would you bury something that is not dead yet?

Go ahead you can tell me.

Just keep your hands were I can see them.

 

I’m Telling!

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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It’s Sunday, this is the day Good People go to Church and talk to God.

I’m not a ” Good People ” so I have to talk to God from my house. This is a good thing in case he gets it in his head to throw a few lightning bolts around when I start talking- at least nobody else will get hurt ( oh sure…like none of you have ever kissed some backside to get ahead ) except for me.

And right now I’m on my way to Hell on the express train so pardon me while I make right with God:

Hi God

I don’t know if you were serious when you put this stuff in your ‘grand plan’ but I figure either the world is about to end or you’re hitting the bottle ( again )

 Zsa Zsa’s Husband was found naked in a car, God it hurts my brain to think of this guy I have to let that one go…and that actress who blamed ” That Black Kid ”  for getting into trouble with the police- she a total flake God and if you could turn her into a pillar of salt I’d be ever so grateful- as would be the rest of the world. 

Oh and this: 

SEATTLE (AP) – In an interview early this year, Pierce County Prosecutor Gerry Horne called Washington state’s death penalty law a “farce” and suggested it is so ineffective that the Legislature should consider getting rid of it. (story here)

This is the definition of a farce: A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.

I don’t think lethal injections or hanging is a farce- I find a lot of things funny but Capital Punishment isn’t one of them.

Ha, that one shorted out your brain too, didn’t it?

I love Science- and when I was a kid I wanted to pilot a space ship. Now I wished I’d stuck with that God because did you know that there’s something called the ” Bottle To Throttle ” Rule at NASA?

No Kidding…in fact it gets even stranger:

Someone working for NASA sabatoged a computer. A Shuttle Astronaut was accused of trying to off a romantic rival and this guy named Himmel, (who retired in 1981 as associate director for what is now Glenn Research Center in Cleveland) said, ” “There’s no perfect system.” ( in regards to Policy at NASA )

I don’t know about you God, but hearing that made me think of the time I rode a roller coaster and my safety belt snapped open and wouldn’t lock- remember that?

It was mid way through the ride and I had to tie my belt closed.

Anyway I’d have tried like hell to get a job with NASA just so I could have front row seats to that freak show.

Well God, as you can see it’s a weird world you made, but it’s funny so I’ll give you points for that.

And if you could help me score another one of those great Egg Rolls like the one I had last year- I’d be a really good person for the rest of my life.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Jesus, I did it wrong again..

I MEAN

See you next Sunday

No- that’s not right either.

 How do you end this thing?

Oh yeah….here we go:

AMEN.

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Say It Like You Mean It

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. 

Benjamin Disraeli

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I was power washing homeless person vomit from off my loading dock today when from out of nowhere I remember this news story about a person who just won the lottery and they said,

” It’s not going to change me, I’m not giving up my job. ”

Man, why apologize for winning? And what is it with this humble thing? You didn’t win the lottery because you’re a good person. You just happened to get the right number or the right ticket and it doesn’t care who you were before you pulled it.Heaven knows I don’t either. Besides if I had won that drawing I’d look like the least deserving person on the face of the planet to win anything.

I wouldn’t be able to help myself.

So as I’m washing the vomit away I figure I might as well hose the pigeon yack from the railing while I’m at it.

And then as the water splashed up from the ground  into my face I thought to myself  “Oh sure, if I won the lottery I’d want to keep the vomit and my ugly face too. I live for getting the short end of the ‘stick o-life’ jabbed in my eye every darned day. Ooooo, I wouldn’t want to part with any of that!

But I’m honest; I’d look into the camera and say after the reporter asks the question (I would of course be wearing my celebratory Deely Boppers with the little shrunken heads on the tops) and I’d say with sincerity:

“I won’t be in to work because I intend to be on the first plane to California in the morning just in time for that guy who has a TV show about Plastic Surgery to open his office. Count on it, a month from now I fully intend be a brand new Anita who doesn’t have to hose vomit and bird poop from off of a loading dock anymore.

As to my future plans I’m going to be visiting places like Roswell, The Pez Museum and I’m going to Nevada to hang out near Area 51 and get sunburn. At some point in there I’m going to buy about a dozen of those bat house kits and nail them up all over my yard- just to drive my neighbor nuts. If he were smart he’d sell me his house before I get the Honey Bee Farm delivered.

Why?

He hates my cat…anyway-

My life won’t be about enrichment, it’s going to be all about living- which in case you haven’t noticed

YOU CAN’T DO IF YOU’RE WORKING IN A PLACE WHERE YOU NEVER SEE THE DAMNED SUN AND YOU HAVE TO HOSE VOMIT FROM THE STEPS OR YOU COULD SLIP IN THE SLIME AND BREAK YOUR NECK!”

Then I’d laugh, kiss the camera and do the Hula.

And I wouldn’t stop carrying on until they put me down with a tranqualizer dart.

Count on it.

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An Onion, A Frog and a Boat or…

/ Anita Marie / 7 Comments

It’s the Law Baby

Deal with it.

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this is a special report from the I.B. Staff

Our lawmakers here in Washington State have declared that we honor the following:

See this Onion?

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It’s called a Walla Walla Sweet Onion.

Don’t mess with it.

It’s got friends in high places in the Washington State Government.

That’s more then I can say for myself and I pay taxes.

Plus I vote.

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Now take a good look at this little frog.

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It’s called

A Pacific Chorus Frog.

It’s our official State Amphibian.

It’s only 5 centimeters long

the males are smaller then the females

and their toes are sticky.

Round these parts we call our friend

The Honorable

Pseudacris Regilla

Don’t laugh.

A Paper in Oregon thought what we did was Cool.

God.

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And this is our Official State Ship

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The Lady Washington

Actually, this is a good one.

She’s been in the movies

she’s a celebrity

and she’s never forgotten to wear her underwear

We’re proud of her round the old Puget Sound.

Darn Proud.

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Sup God?

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

It’s Sunday.

This is the day I check in with God and tell him about my week.

I’d do it at Church, but I’m banned. I figured that out after I noticed that when I show up there’s like 20 guys who look like Father Merrin lining the walk up to the doors so- I get the hint already.

 

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Dear God,

It’s been a long week.

It’s had it’s moments though.

Here was the biggest news story to come out of Mountlake Terrace this week- two kids stole a car and set it on fire.

Our major local paper actually wrote a story about it.

And God, they put it on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.

I’m not sure what mortifies me more- kids who burn cars or newspapers that write detailed news reports about it.

I have an idea, if you could send an invasion force made up of Flying Monkeys to attack Mountlake Terrace our local paper could write about an issue that really does affect the people of Mountlake Terrace and all of us live this lame ‘news’ story down.

It’s just an idea.

God, I know you promised not to do the flooding thing again but if you could do one of those surgical strikes and wipe out any theatres showing Summer Sequels I’d be ever so grateful.

They’re making us pay to watch repeats God.

That’s so unfair.

Bruce Campbell says in this article ( here ) that Studios are creatively bankrupt.

He’s too kind.

They were never creative to begin with.

Now Almighty One, I like a good laugh now and then too, but that thing you did in Hoquiam.

It was out of control.

Let me refresh your memory.

All these people showed up in Hoquiam for the Senior Babe Ruth state baseball tournament and instead of the smell of peanuts and crackerjacks they got to huff something nasty from the Ocean Protein Fish Meal plant.

“But this odor has been so pervasive and it has a bit of the cooking smell, not just raw smell, that we believe something is escaping and not being treated well enough.”

Richard Stedman- Olympic Region Clean Air Agency

Something is ‘escaping’?

ESCAPING?

Excuse me while I go hide under my bed for the next 100 years.

Really.

See you next Sunday God.

I mean

Amen

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You Say That Like It’s A Good Thing

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

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LiveScience.comMon Jul 2, 11:55 PM ET

New Drug Deletes Bad Memories

Do you have a really bad memory, or past heartache, that you would prefer to forget?

Researchers at Harvard and McGill University (in Montreal) are working on an amnesia drug that blocks or deletes bad memories. The technique seems to allow psychiatrists to disrupt the biochemical pathways that allow a memory to be recalled.

Okay, this is NOT good.

It’s bad.

Let me spell this out, they want to develop a drug that will disrupt pathways in YOUR BRAIN that allow memories to be recalled.

How interesting, you can take a human brain and wipe it clean and replace it with what?

Happy thoughts?

Who will decided what goes and what stays?

You?

Hey, if you’re in such a bad way that you need to chemically shut down pathways in your brain to keep memories from surfacing I doubt if anyone is going to listen to a word you have to say, am I right?

I wonder- if you take away the things that made you the person you are now, what on earth will you become if you take any of that (even the bad things) away.

Once that stuff hits your brain you won’t be the same.

Now there’s a thought.

Oregon Gives Vermont The Spotted Owl

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

For years and years and years I thought the only purpose Oregon had was to keep Washington State from sliding down into California.

Then Kent Couch took his balloon trip, I heard this interview with a woman who lives somewhere in the wilds of Oregon who kept a rifle above her door to protect herself from ‘bears and those drug kids from Seattle’ and  I happen to know now for a fact that the best Salt Water Taffy in the world is made down there.

I’ve been seduced.

 I totally fell in love with Oregon.

God, thank you for Oregon- I’d have to say it’s your best work yet.

What follows is a news report that proves it.

I’m going ahead and reprinting a story  from the Associated Press here  for fear that one day the link will go down and this great story will be lost forever.

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DeFazio wants ‘investigation’ into Vermont’s Simpsons win

By Associated Press

SPRINGFIELD, Ore. (AP) – U.S. Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Springfield is still piqued that his hometown wasn’t chosen to host the premiere of the upcoming animated film “The Simpsons,” particularly since “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening is an Oregon native.

In fact, he smells a rat, and has asked U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate – sort of.

In a spoof letter from DeFazio’s office to Gonzalez, he points out that Springfield, Ore., with around 52,000 residents, lost out on the right to hold the premiere to Springfield, Vt., which won a contest sponsored by 20th Century Fox, despite having only 9,000 residents.

“Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud,” DeFazio writes, tongue planted firmly in cheek. “It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?”

DeFazio continues that he’s well aware that many will dismiss his concerns, saying that the Oregon Springfield was simply “rolled” by the giant pink doughnut of Homer Simpson’s dreams, featured prominently in the winning video submitted by Springfield, Vt.

“But I believe there were significant voting irregularities,” DeFazio writes. “Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter.”

Gonzalez’s office could not immediately be reached for comment on the spoof letter.

The letter concludes in true Simpsons fashion: Instead of signing off “Sincerely,” or “Yours Truly,” DeFazio concludes with an “Okiliydokily.”

Despite DeFazio’s efforts, on July 21, Springfield, Vermont’s 100-seat movie theater is slated to play host to the movie, which opens July 27.

ORIGINAL STORY HERE

and of course…here’s a Promo:

Lawn Chairs, Balloons and Glory

/ Anita Marie / 13 Comments

 To fly, Couch dressed in shirt, sweater, jeans, work boots and sunglasses handed him at the last minute.
He took off at 6:06 a.m. Saturday after kissing his wife, Susan, goodbye and petting his Chihuahua, Isabella.

By Associated Press

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And then Kent Couch sat down on his lawn chair- to which over 100 helium balloons were attached and he flew almost 200 miles from his home in Bend, Oregon at altitudes ranging from 11,000 feet to 13,000 feet – to a farmer’s field in Union, Oregon.

I love this story- just love it because Kent Couch took a dream and made a plan and it involved Balloons and Lawn Chairs.

I ask you, did he take his dream that involved lawn furniture and balloons and learn to fly a plane? Did he buy his way onto The Space Shuttle? 

Heck no, Kent Couch had this dream; it involved a Lawn Chair, balloons and Idaho.

And he made it happen.

Okay, Kent Couch didn’t actually make it to where he wanted to land in Idaho- he says he came up short. If I had the chance, I’d tell Kent Couch he went much further then he planned.

what can I add to that except-  way to go Mr. Couch!

( full story here )

Oregon man takes lawn chair up to 13,000 feet

Balloons suspend Kent Couch in a lawnchair as he floats in the skies near Bend, Ore., Saturday, July 7, 2007. (AP Photo/ The Bulletin, Pete Erickson)

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Greed Without Borders

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

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“Did you hear they’re going to execute the guy who was responsible for the poisoned pet food?”

“Really” I would say, “Why?”

“Well, he brought a lot of grief into people’s lives.”

“I don’t think that’s why they’re executing him” I’d say to some people who CLEARLY thought I was missing the point.

Some of my friends really thought this was about American Cats and Dogs and the wrong that was done to their American owners.

 In other words…it was all about us

But of course it wasn’t- it was about ALL OF US.

from the LA Times

Zheng Xiaoyu was convicted of taking bribes worth about $850,000 and dereliction of duty.

During his tenure, the administration reportedly approved six medicines that turned out to be fake, including an antibiotic blamed for at least 10 deaths in China.

In North America, authorities this year have blocked or recalled toxic seafood, juice made with unsafe color additives and toys coated with lead paint imported from China.

This followed the death of several dogs and cats last year who ate pet food containing Chinese wheat gluten tainted with the chemical melamine, a fire retardant.

In Panama last year, dozens of people died after ingesting medicine contaminated with highly toxic diethylene glycol, an ingredient in brake fluid, that originated in China and was confused with harmless glycerin.

Counterfeit Colgate toothpaste containing traces of the same liquid was found on store shelves in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Maryland. No deaths have been reported from the counterfeit toothpaste…

read the entire article HERE–

Like I said, this is about all of us.

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That’s What Little Girls Are Made Of…

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

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The last time I was involved in a fight during a sports game I was 10 and the person I fought  was a girl named Heidi.

Heidi The Tetherball Champ.

 I had just beaten our Reigning Champ and boy was she mad.

Actually psychotic is a more accurate description of Heidi that afternoon.

Anyway, at some point after I was called the winner (I may have been dancing…. I may have been singing, I don’t remember) she took the ball, beaned me with it and then tried to choke me with the tetherball rope and I AM NOT KIDDING.

What followed on my part wasn’t considered self-defense so I had to spend the next two days in the library during recess.

So look what happens today at a Seattle Mariners baseball game. 

Benches cleared during M’s game scuffle 

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OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) – Jason Ellison stood up for a teammate. Miguel Batista took one for the team. And Ichiro Suzuki? All he could do was laugh about his role in a benches-clearing shoving match.

I’m a Mariners Fan and all I can say is…way to take it for the team Batista- and Ellision…way to be there Ellison because that other guy pulled a sissy stunt that Heidi The Tether Ball Psycho wouldn’t have stooped to. 

She tried to brain me….yes, she tried to hang me from the teatherball pole…yes.

To her credit at least Heidi The Tetherball Psycho didn’t push me like…

a little girl.

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