Humor

Theme Song Friday

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

After careful thought The I.B. Staff

 That would be me……

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 The Doll with the Knife….

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and the Old Spice Guy…..

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Have finally come up with  a theme song for

The Wonderful Irregular Bones Blog 

here it is…

are you excited yet?

Okay….calm down…we have decided on:

T’aint No Sin To Take Off Your Skin

(and dance around in your bones)

No…don’t do it you silly people!

That’s the name of the song.

Enjoy!

When you hear sweet syncopation
And the music softly moans
T’ain’t no sin to take off your skin
And dance around in your bones

When it gets too hot for comfort
And you can’t get an ice cream cone
T’ain’t no sin to take off your skin
And dance around your bones

Just like those bamboo babies
Down in the South Sea tropic zone
T’ain’t no sin to take off your skin
And dance around your bones

For A Good Time Call…

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

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Hi God!

Betch’a missed me round the old Pearly Gates..ha, just kidding.

Like I’d hang out there- that Velvet Rope stuff is so elitist…

Instead I’ve been learning about what happens when the gene pool gets to shallow

 so here we go

today I’m putting some of it in

GOD CHAT

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Lord I wonder if you understand that if you want to scare people into being good you shouldn’t make them laugh…

When I was a kid my Mom used to threaten to spank us with this wooden spoon- which was pretty funny because she wasn’t into that spanking gig, plus by the time I was 10 I was five inches taller then her and my brother was this low functioning dweeb that would laugh at anything so the entire discipline thing sort of fell apart when she’d start screaming in her Hawaiian accent about how bad we were.

She sounded like one Betty Boop on speed.

So anyway God…if you want me to marvel at your works ( and not snicker ) don’t create people like the lot in Oregon ( God I do love those guys down there ) who ran around stealing Garden Gnomes and then they put all of gnomes ( all 75 ) on one lawn.

The Police took the Gnomes into custody…and if you’re missing one you can check their website- oh and just to show you this is real here’s the report and the pictures of the…um, victims- though the person who woke up to find these things staring into their windows will probably be in therapy for a very long time

SPRINGFIELD POLICE DEPARTMENT

( hey that’s the town THE SIMPSONS are from!

amm )

______________________________________________________________________________

INCIDENT: CASE # Criminal Mischief/Found Property 07-10284

DATE/ TIME: 10/17/07 @ 1743 hours

LOCATION: ( deleted by amm )

______________________________________________________________________________

NARRATIVE OF INCIDENT: A resident of the Thurston area of Springfield called the Police on 10/17/07 to report that someone had placed numerous lawn ornaments in the yard of the residence sometime the previous evening. A Community Service Officer responded to the location and found approximately seventy five lawn ornaments placed in an orderly manner on and around the front lawn. These lawn ornaments were primarily animal and gnome type figurines and were likely taken from other residences at various times.

Springfield Property control personnel would like to return those items to the owners and have decided the most efficient way to do this would be to place photographs of the various ornaments on the Springfield Police web site, www.ci.springfield.or.us\police\media.htm.

If you received this by FAX and not e-mail, you may obtain photos by calling 726-3721

FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION CONTACT: Capt. Richard Harrison 726-3721

NEWS RELEASE COMPLETED BY: Brent Carpenter 726-2326

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Now there’s a lot you gave us here to be thankful for in the Pacific Northwest Lord…and I look high and low for these things every day. I’m inclined to look low because you know…that’s the way I am.

This was a tough call though like is it high or lowbrow news?

See years ago I was in this accident on the freeway and the person who got their first was a Washington State Patrolman with freckles and he looked just like Ron Howard back when he was on ” Happy Days “.

I didn’t laugh at the way his voice cracked, or the way he called me ” Ma’am ” . Nope what got me was the little bow tie that’s part of the Washington State Patrol Uniform.

I think the guy on the Maytag Commericials wears the same one.

Anway.

I tried so hard not to laugh God…but I did.

And then I made up an excuse for my outburst of rapid fire snickers and snorts that shot snot straight out of my nose and all over my windshield.

I said I’d hit my head.

Okay it was a lie and I paid for it because as soon as that came out of my mouth everyone who was showing up ‘ at the scene ‘ took it very seriously. For me it was a night of X-Rays and being woken up every couple of hours to be asked if I knew what my name was.

So today I find out our Washington State Patrol…just look:

OLYMPIA, Wash. – It’s a look that lead-foot drivers know all too well: the crisp black bow tie and blue “Smokey Bear” hat of a Washington State Patrol trooper. And according to a national trade group, the outfits are the best-looking state police uniforms in the country

Quit toying with me God.

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Okay, this deserves some sort of divine retribution on your part and I’m talking real Fire and Brimstone action on your part ( may I remind you that you only promised to not flood anybody anymore…I checked ).

The city of Mountlake Terrace is making a man scuttle a pirate ship he built  for his kids in his yard.

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According to our ahem  our ” Code Enforcement Officers ” ( no I did NOT make that up…that’s what they’re called) it violates city building codes.

Heaven help us- it’s a Pirate Ship and unless it sails down the middle of the street and runs over one of my cats I don’t care what anyone puts in…

their own yard.

Especially if it’s something as awesome as a Pirate Ship….at least it’s not a giant garden gnome ( sorry…sorry….couldn’t resist ).

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So there it is God….this is what you created right in front of my nose this week…other people may wonder why I pay attention to this and talk to you about it…

But what can I say- I love a good sense of humor.

Keep up the good works

See ya round

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and

ahmmmennnn

 

 

 

Laughs For Lexophiles

/ Anita Marie / 1 Comment

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all
right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve mo! nths. < BR>
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they alway s multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count
that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in! motion .

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center yo! u’ve se en a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s h elpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Put Your Hands Up and Step Away From The Jack-O-Lantern

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

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Okay God,

I know it’s Sunday, I know it’s time for God Chat but this is serious God and being that you’re in charge of everything I expect that you will have an interest in this.

Yeah, Yeah- I know it’s Saturday but tough it’s Sunday somewhere PLUS Halloween is just days away so we have to settle this NOW.

First of all

I know Global Warming is bad…it’s a sin and the irony that Earth will end up looking like Hell for what we’re doing to it is not lost on me.

but God…God Damn…A Green Halloween?

Healthy snacks? Experience Nature? Linen and dinnerware from The Pottery Barn?

This isn’t  Halloween- this is the way they celebrate Halloween at an Old Folks Home-and guess what- most of the old people I KNOW would be laughing so hard at this lame idea that  they’d wet their Depends.

And then to make it worse…this Green Halloween group wants a sugar free Halloween…good thing one of the “leaders” has a site you can go to so that you can buy stuff ( impress me…give it away )

Which brings me to this.

Lizzie Borden

Today I read about this Lizzie Borden Halloween Prop that costs THOUSANDS of dollars.

She swings an Ax up and down.

When I was a kid this family had a Haunted House set up in their basement and the Dad used to dress up like Lizzie and chase people around with an ax and he’d be screaming ” Forty Wacks! Forty Wacks for you all! “

and we’d be screaming for Jesus and our Moms.

God, it was pretty darn great and I’ll bet the entire thing didn’t cost thousands of dollars.

and the results?

Priceless.

So God, do us a favor.

Show these Heathens the light.

Halloween is all about life and death

It’s all about celebrating the things we can touch and feel and taste and smell.

It’s about not being afraid of the dark and the things that hide there.

It’s about having one night where you don’t have to whistle

as you walk by a cemetery- you can perform a full on Aria.

On this one night you don’t have to be afraid of things that go bump in the night because you can BECOME that thing that goes bump in the night

For just one night.

That is not asking for to much, is it God?

So I’ll see you Halloween Night- I’ll be the one with the mask on

( har har )

and

ahhhmeeennnnn

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Hey Dawg I mean Gawd

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

 

Hey Big “G” look who stopped by for God Chat

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…just messin’ with you Dawg.

Okay, here we go:

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Hi God how’s your week been?

Mine has been boodles of fun-

First off this group that hates… Gays and Lesbians and Transgender people…oh and brown people and people who aren’t Christian Extremists like themselves and they probably even hate that cute little dog from the Taco commercials because they think he’s “illegal” came to Lynnwood, Washington to hold a rally.

 

There’s a good part God, there were more people OUTSIDE protesting then there were people inside attending the meeting itself.

Somy friends and me stood outside and waved signs and had a good time supporting our community.

The best part was the cars with families that honked and waved and yelled good job.

My personal favorite was the guy who was driving this big truck that slowed down and yelled, “ Love for us all. “

The bad part is that one of the groups’ ‘leaders’ is involving himself in local politics.

Ahem.

Oh and Lord of Wonders, I know you love those stories about the Mountlake Terrace City Council- but I don’t have any new ones. Don’t get all high and mighty on me, that divine intervention thing is in your department.

 

Now Lord, there this woman who wants people to celebrate a sugar free Halloween– that’s the kind of thinking that should get you assigned to the short bus and we both know it. Don’t think I’m letting this Halloween thing go- if Church people aren’t trying to make it ‘Church Friendly’ then Granola Heads are trying to make it healthy.

 

What next? Will we have to worry about Valentines coming under attack because the disembodied hearts remind people of human sacrifice and temple steps in South America drenched with blood….and heyyyyy….

 

 

No- if I mess with that one, every Jeweler and chocolate manufacturer in the on the planet will be after me.

And last but not least, if you forgive me for having bad thoughts about you for letting my cat die, then I’ll forgive you for the fact that the Halloween Monster Fest on AMC really, really sux this year.

Pax?

Good.

Take Care

See you way later

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And

Ahhhhemennnn

Where The Insanity Began

/ Anita Marie / 7 Comments

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Sixteen years ago my sons and I took a bus to downtown Everett and met my husband’s bus that he drove into town daily from Granite Falls, Washington.

One of his passengers had brought us the newest addition to our family- it was a tiny little kitten who was the runt of the litter and just about seven weeks old with bowed front legs, blue eyes and a little ringed tail.

The kitten was sitting in a McDonalds bag with the edges rolled down and he smelled like French fries.

He looked up into my face and meowed and when I reached down to pick him up he crawled up my arm straight to my shoulder- where he promptly sunk his claws into my skin so he wouldn’t slide off and then he tried to bite my glasses.

It took three of us to get him out of my hair.

My sons and I had already picked out a name for this tiny creature- we’d just seen a movie that we all loved and my boys were already familiar with the music- I made them aware of it because the composer was my Grandfather’s favorite- he said this man wrote the most perfect music in the world…

 we named that little guy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

The funny thing is when the boys heard ” Amadeus ” they thought it sounded like “Mama’s Deus ” so they called our Wolfie ” Mommy’s Deus”  for years.

Anyway on the bus ride home we had put Wolfgang in a box and he howled and growled and the bus driver, a bear of a guy named Pat laughed and called back to us, ” Hey, what wild animal do you have back there?”

I opened the box and lifted Wolfgang out by the scruff of his neck held him up and he hissed and spit at everybody and that was pretty much sums up Wolfie.

He’s been more of a companion then pet and he’s inspired stories that I’ve written and some of his real life exploits have turned up in a series I did about a character called ” Insanity Jones “.

People thought I made up things about ” Insanity” like how he sat in the middle of the street one day and backed up traffic and his hatred of fire engines and how I had to lock him up if he saw firemen because he’d try to bite them – but that was all true.

And then there was the Summer four years ago when Wolfie saw my oldest Son’s pitbull running straight for me- I was not in danger but Wolfie didn’t know that.

The next thing I know Wolfie is running by me jumps up and wraps himself around Puma’s head and tries to take his eyes out- and at the end of the day my cat didn’t have a mark on him.

He also spent the rest of the week tormenting that poor dog and barfing on my Son’s suitcase- don’t ask, but when Wolfie got mad at you that’s what he did.

That’s Wolfie’s story, his true story- he was loved and cherished and spoiled and loyal and mean and smart and he was my heart.

When he died that morning, part of me did too.

Tonight we buried him under his favorite tree, then we made a little bonfire for him.

He was up there somewhere wishing, I’m sure, that it would have spread so that he could’ve had one last shot at those Firemen.

 

Hola Friday!

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

Okay, it’s Aloha Friday

but I thought I’d shake the Bones

with a new

OH  THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY 

celebration song and dance

with help from

A Little Spanish Flea

and just in case

here’s the Official Aloha Friday song…cause you know

it IS pretty cool

Jeremy Bentham’s Head Fell Off

/ Anita Marie / 15 Comments

Jeremy Bentham was an interesting guy who advocated for things like equal rights for women and the abolition of slavery.

 Jeremy Bentham also had written into his Will that his body be preserved, stored in a cabinet and brought out for special board meetings.

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Then one day his head, which was not preserved well…fell off. So they made a wax one and stuck his real head between his feet ( see picture above) .

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Jeremy Bentham’s Head

I’m sorry to say I couldn’t have made this stuff up.

God, I wish I had.

 

Jeremy Bentham (26 February [O.S. 15 February 15] 1748) – June 6, 1832) was an English jurist, philosopher, and legal and social reformer. He was a political radical and a leading theorist in Anglo-American philosophy of law. He is best known as an early advocate of utilitarianism and fair treatment of animals who influenced the development of liberalism.

An I.B.News Flash!It’s BUMBO 3!

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

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OH YES

OH YES

OH YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

Here it is at  last!

THE LONG AWAITED RELEASE OF

 READY SET BUMBO

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( there’s a site to visit as well-! so go here after the film )

 

 

God and The Daily Show Effect

/ Anita Marie / 10 Comments

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Hi God,

Something Strange and Mysterious has happened

and I’m

chalking it up to  your

Godly Powers.

Either that or you’re drinking again….

but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway, here’s the skinny: 

Over the last few weeks Irregular Bones has gone from an

on-line

 journal

where I write about my cats and my friends and family and head hunters and civil rights and

homeless people and what my bus rides to and from work are like

and my hero worship of Rod Serling and Bruce Campbell

to

a

NEWS SOURCE.

I kid you not.

So being that I’m trying to get on your good side

( well, at least on Sundays )

I’m prepared to answer your Call:

I have a half a pound of Pez on hand at all times

 an endless supply of Jolt cola

a weird sense of humor

and Google at my finger tips.

I am SO going to have fun with this.

Thanks for the Call God,

it’s a good one.

Oh and between me and you

I don’t care what anyone says

YOU ARE FUNNY.

See Ya Next Sunday….

ahhhhmennnnn.

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