Isn’t That Special?

so the caption reads: 

THE VOICES ARE TELLING ME TO KILL

YOU…..

and the first thought that pops in my head is:

GET IN LINE CHAMP.

An I.B. PSA

 

 There’s a difference between Women and Ladies

and how they deal with life.

Here are a few examples:

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LADIES –

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix.

REAL WOMEN –

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes”.

 

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LADIES –

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives cares?

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LADIES –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

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LADIES –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN – 

Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don’t have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

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LADIES – 

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN –

Go to the bakery they’ll even decorate the pain in the neck for you.

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LADIES –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN –

Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don’t do it.

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LADIES –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN –

Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it.

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And finally the most important tip….

LADIES –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN –

Leftover wine??

Hello ???

 

this psa was brought to you by

the I.B Staff

and The Doll Guy With The Big Knife

 

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FYI

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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a TRUE FRIEND will be sitting next to you saying, damn…that was fun!

Source unknown.

Tribute To A Cunning Man

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“Nothing doth more hurt in a state than that cunning men pass for wise.”
Francis Bacon

 

He sits at our meetings and pretends to be your friend

He’ s very good at it-

He looks like a kindly, indulgent wise old Grandfather.

 He’ll let you talk and talk and talk and he will hang on every word you say.

And then one day he’ll take your confidences and

Sell them to the lowest bidder.

He’s hurt and betrayed and discouraged good people

From doing good work.

For Sport.

What else could it be?

The thing of it is, I had one of those Kindly Old Grandfathers

Who was

Wise and Patient and Kind

And this man who sits against a wall and pretends

To be like him

Offends me.

Now as we are about to cross paths again

All I can say is:

You deserve me Sir.

 

Sunday I.B. PSA

 

Okay…this is an emergency I.B. PSA

That means that the I.B. Managment found something REALLY IMPORTANT  that the public needs to be informed about-

 she also thinks that Flying Monkeys, PEZ and this movie called ” Bubba Ho-Tep are REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT too so keep that in mind when you pop over and see how the 10 Commandments have been Criminized.

Don’t ask…just click THIS

and remember…I just work here.

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Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

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When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

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I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

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I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

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Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

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I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

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The Bumbo Collection

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Listen Up!

Laugh

– it keeps you from yelling-

this has been an I.B. PSA

brought to you by

the “s”mart guy

 

 

And a Happy Friday To You Too!

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The I.B. Staff (that’s me, Anita) has received genuine hate mail and even a  heartfelt wish that I meet a messy end on the bumper of a garbage truck because I wrote  the following posts:

I wrote a story about a Fortune Teller who didn’t see her own death coming-

( you haven’t lived until somebody named after a goddess and plant threatens to curse your life force to ‘ tormints beyond  imagenation’

I wrote a story about the Queen of Hawaii being forced to give up her throne

( I was invited to leave the States and go back to wherever it was a “ emagratid from ”

And I dared to call JK Rowling an Author.

( I was informed she doesn’t understand the  ” craft ” and the ” writer’s expirience 

…oh and I suck too.)

All I can say is…

Spell Check People!

!Use Spell Check!

this has been an I.B. Public Service Announcement

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I Want a Story

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I like to take a look at what people are reading on the bus.

Sometimes they’re looking at newspapers, or magazines, or they’re hand (which I’m assuming they’ve got a phone or something down there…at least I hope so).

Over the years every other person had their noses buried in books by John Grisham or Tom Clancy; sometimes I didn’t notice the title because all I saw were those little stickers that proclaimed this work an “Oprah “book.

Without exception I saw that the people who were reading those books looked grim and withdrawn. Their mouths were set in hard lines and when their stop came up they’d take their book jam a marker into place and bury their book in a backpack or purse or briefcase.

Their gestures were clinical and thoughtless.

Unless you’re like me and made it a point to notice what people were reading you wouldn’t know. These books were something that Commuters ‘did’ on the way to work and when they were done commuting they were done with the book.

Of course, Harry Potter changed all of that.

When these people read the Potter books they’re leaning into the book, their faces are animated and when their stop comes up they carefully pop a marker into place and they carry their book under their arms close to themselves.

So today I thought, really, all theories aside what is it about a kid studying magic that really interests us?

And then I thought about my kids and how they used to demand “A Story “at bedtime.

“What kind of story?” I used to ask.

And my kids would say, “A good one.”

This is the kind of story my kids considered “good “and the ones I liked to tell:

We liked stories about good guys who win, about people who are fair, about friends that are loyal and stories where you get the chance to have that moment where you can be the person you know that you really are.

When I’d finish they’d look up and say, ” now that’s a story…a good one.”

Like my kids I think that a lot of us want stories about underdogs that become heroes and heroes that we discover are just people- just like us.

So I’m wondering, why is it now that all of the sudden these themes are finding their way into our everyday lives and hands of people waiting for a bus or sitting in a park or waiting in offices. Why do we crave these stories about a kid who studies magic when a few years ago Attorneys and CIA agents and women who were in ‘search of themselves’ were all the rage and we were perfectly willing to lose ourselves in their lives.

Their lives.

I think I know part of the answer now- and it’s been there all along.

We want a story about heroes and fairness and friendship.

It’s a good story- isn’t it?