On The First Day…

The Spirit of Christmas Gets The Bird

 

On the first day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
A partridge in a pear tree.
 

This is all about the cold blooded murder of my Christmas Spirit- or maybe it was more like Manslaughter.

Anyway.

The crime took place at the bookstore I managed.

It was an hour or so before we closed.

This is how it happened:

A man wanted an ” Oprah Book Club ” selection to give to his wife for Christmas – now there was a novel idea ( no pun intended )- which was shared by every single man in America who knew his wife was an Oprah fan.

Of course we were sold out- and so where all the other bookstores in the bookselling world.

 Now keep in mind that these guys were in a bookstore with lots and lots of other books that were almost as good as Oprah’s.

Did they chose one of those?

Hell no.

They were clueless.

To be fair, some of these guys probably only came in once a year to buy the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition- and we keep those up front so it’s not like they cruised the shelves checking out the literature- not with the Swimsuit Girls in their hands.

Anyway- Mr Husband walks up to my employee and asks for ‘THE OPRAH BOOK’ and my employee says, sorry blah, blah, blah”  and she was far more empathetic to this guy then I or anyone else in the book-selling Universe would have been after being verbally assaulted over and over again because we didn’t have ‘THE OPRAH BOOK’ two freaking days before Christmas.

This guy rolls his eyes up to Heaven, not caring that Jesus and the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future were probably looking down at him and says, ” Let me talk to your Manager. “

I introduce myself and ask how I can help and he looks at my 17 year old employee and says, ” you need to fire this useless piece of garbage- “

I said to this guy in the same voice I would use as a Funeral Director ( when things would start to go sideways with the family) ” It’s a good thing there really isn’t a Santa otherwise you’d probably be getting coal in your stocking this year- and like that’s only if Santa bothered to stop by your house at all.”

It’s true.

I said that.

My employee spent the next few weeks asking me if I was going to get fired for saying those things- and when I wasn’t fired I turned in my notice.

 R.I.P

Spirit of Christmas

YOU SURE DID KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME

 

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Only 12 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.

The Funny Bone

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(meet my readers )

Sometimes my readers don’t send me e-mails about dead things or hate mail-

Sometimes they send me funny stuff too …

 like this joke

 

 

Three guys were standing at the top of a the Empire State Building
in NYC.

The first guy says to the second, “You know, the wind currents are
so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the
building a literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of
the thermal air current.”

“No way, man, you’re crazy,” said the second guy to the first. So
the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats
out in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of
the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, “watch me do that” as he
steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like
a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement
below–SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to
the first guy and say, “You know something Superman, you are SO not funny”

Why Science People All Have Had Broken Noses

They come up with stuff like this

that’s

why 

Engineering Analysis of Santa Claus

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

  1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
  2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
  3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
  4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
  5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

 

Pluto is deported I mean DEMOTED

 

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( illegal alien guy )

I don’t care what anybody says….this can only be the work of Homeland Security.

It seems like something they’d be involved in.

Doesn’t it?

brought to you by the Ultimate Illegal Alien…

in cooperation with

the I.B. Staff

 

Pluto Demoted: No Longer a Planet in Highly Controversial Definition
By Robert Roy Britt
Senior Science Writer
posted: 24 August 2006
09:35 am ET

.Capping years of intense debate, astronomers resolved today to demote Plutoin a wholesale redefinition of planethood that is being billed as a victory of scientific reasoning over historic and cultural influences. But already the decision is being hotly debated.Officially, Pluto is no longer a planet. “Pluto is dead,” said Caltech researcher Mike Brown, who spoke with reporters via a teleconference while monitoring the vote. The decision also means a Pluto-sized object that Brown discovered will not be called a planet.“Pluto is not a planet,” Brown said. “There are finally, officially, eight planets in the solar system.”The vote involved just 424 astronomers who remained for the last day of a meeting of the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Prague.“I’m embarassed for astornomy,” said Alan Stern, leader of NASA’s New Horizon’s mission to Pluto and a scientist at the Southwest Research Institute. “Less than 5 percent of the world’s astronomers voted.”“This definition stinks, for technical reasons,” Stern told SPACE.com. He expects the astronomy community to overturn the decision. Other astronomers criticized the definition as ambiguous.

The resolution

The decision establishes three main categories of objects in our solar system.

  • Planets: The eight worlds from Mercury to Neptune.
  • Dwarf Planets: Pluto and any other round object that “has not cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, and is not a satellite.”
  • Small Solar System Bodies: All other objects orbiting the Sun.

Pluto and its moon Charon, which would both have been planets under the initial definition proposed Aug. 16, now get demoted because they are part of a sea of other objects that occupy the same region of space. Earth and the other eight large planets have, on the other hand, cleared broad swaths of space of any other large objects.

“Pluto is a dwarf planet by the … definition and is recognized as the prototype of a new category of trans-Neptunian objects,” states the approved resolution.

BLOG
Pluto’s Demotion is Well Deserved and Long Overdue

Dwarf planets are not planets under the definition, however.

“There will be hundreds of dwarf planets,” Brown predicted. He has already found dozens that fit the category.

Contentious logic

The vote came after eight days of contentious debate that involved four separate proposals at the group’s meeting in Prague.

The initial proposal, hammered out by a group of seven astronomers, historians and authors, attempted to preserve Pluto as a planet but was widely criticized for diluting the meaning of the word. It would also have made planets out of the asteroid Ceres and Pluto’s moon Charon. But not now.

“Ceres is a dwarf planet. it’s the only dwarf planet in the asteroid belt,” Brown said. “Charon is a satellite.”

The category of “dwarf planet” is expected to include dozens of round objects already discovered beyond Neptune. Ultimately, hundreds will probably be found, astronomers say.

The word “planet” originally described wanderers of the sky that moved against the relatively fixed background of star. Pluto, discovered in 1930, was at first thought to be larger than it is. It has an eccentric orbit that crosses the path of Neptune and also takes it well above and below the main plane of the solar system.

Recent discoveries of other round, icy object in Pluto’s realm have led most astronomers to agree that the diminutive world should never have been termed a planet.

‘A farce’

Stern, in charge of the robotic probe on its way to Pluto, said the language of the resolution is flawed. It requires that a planet “has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.” But Earth, Mars, Jupiter and Neptune all have asteroids as neighbors.

“It’s patently clear that Earth’s zone is not cleared,” Stern told SPACE.com. “Jupiter has 50,000 trojan asteroids,” which orbit in lockstep with the planet.

Stern called it “absurd” that only 424 astronomers were allowed to vote, out of some 10,000 professional astronomers around the globe.

“It won’t stand,” he said. “It’s a farce.”

Stern said astronomers are already circulating a petition that would try to overturn the IAU decision.

Owen Gingerich, historian and astronomer emeritus at Harvard who led the committee that proposed the initial definition, called the new definition “confusing and unfortunate” and said he was “not at all pleased” with the language about clearing the neighborhood.

Gingerich also did not like the term “dwarf” planet.

“I thought that it made a curious linguistic contradiction,” Gingerich said in a telephone interview from Boston (where he could not vote). “A dwarf planet is not a planet. I thought that was very awkward.”

Gingerich added: “In the future one would hope the IAU could do electronic balloting.”

Years of debate

Astronomers have argued since the late 1990s, however, on whether to demote Pluto. Public support for Pluto has weighed heavily on the debate. Today’s vote comes after a two-year effort by the IAU to develop a definition. An initial committee of astronomers failed for a year to do so, leading to the formation of the second committee whose proposed definition was then redefined for today’s vote.

Astronomers at the IAU meeting debated the proposals right up to the moment of the vote.

Caltech’s Mike Brown loses out in one sense. The Pluto-sized object his team found, called 2003 UB313, will now be termed a dwarf planet.

“As of today I have no longer discovered a planet,” he said. But Brown called the result scientifically a good decision.

“The public is not going to be excited by the fact that Pluto has been kicked out,” Brown said. “But it’s the right thing to do.”

Textbooks will of course have to be rewritten.

“For astronomers this doesn’t matter one bit. We’ll go out and do exactly what we did,” Brown said. “For teaching this is a very interesting moment. I think you can describe science much better now” by explaining why Pluto was once thought to be a planet and why it isn’t now. “I’m actually very excited.”

The Debate at the IAU Meeting

Defining Moments: The Saga’s History

Psycho Cats, Chainsaws and Christmas

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…I’ve always wanted to put those words together….just to see how they look.

Hmmm…Pretty Cool.

This is cool too- it’s  from Chris at Cute With Chris 

enjoy!

Plus You Get Pizza

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sometimes I find stuff on the net that i just have to share with the world

these are a few of those things

enjoy!

FBI Agents Ordering Pizza
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent:

Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man:

And where would you like them delivered?

 

Agent:

We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

 

PM:

The psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent:

That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

PM:

You’re an FBI agent?

 

Agent:

That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

 

PM:

And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent:

That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

 

PM:

And you say you’re all FBI agents?

 

Agent:

That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

 

PM:

And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

 

Agent:

That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

 

PM:

How are you going to pay for all of this?

 

Agent:

I have my checkbook right here.

 

PM:

And you’re all FBI agents?

 

Agent:

That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

 

Pizza Man:

I don’t think so.

 Click.

Thank You Baby Jesus

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It was a rough commute to work this morning- road rage people are worse on Fridays because there aren’t as many people for them to attempt to kill on the weekends I guess.

So what could cheer me up after almost being murdered in a crosswalk by a Lexus?

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I got to work and found out Kangaroo Farts could save the world.

Australian scientists are trying to give kangaroo-style stomachs to cattle and sheep in a bid to cut the emission of greenhouse gases blamed for global warming, researchers say(AFP/File) 

Thank You Baby Jesus- I needed the laugh.

 

 

 

Chuck A Sickie

Hi Everybody! 

This is stuff I learned while I waited to see if the storm that hit Washington State would make my toilet overflow… 

First of all here some pictures of some flooding from around Mountlake Terrace, Washington…I didn’t take them- I pulled them from HERE

They look dramatic but I should say these shots are in ‘hollows’ and that the areas shown aren’t huge…but if it’s your car or apartment pictured here then it probably feels like your entire world is under water.

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We didn’t get any flooding near my house- unless you count the ‘accidents’ three of  my cats  had because they refused to go outside to use the bathroom during the storm(s).

Well two of them had accidents-

Meet Blitzer

( he’s the third cat )

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Blitzer drank water non-stop

ON PURPOSE…don’t ask me how I know, I just do.

 

I also learned this great expression ( as I worried about my plumbing )

To chuck a sickie:

It’s a saying they use in Australia.

It means to take a day off sick from work when you are fine.

My goal is to use this phrase at least once a day for a week. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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According to my post rankings ( which briefly distacted me from my Sewer Fears ) I learned that my readers- pictured below-

( oh come on…where’s your sense of humor? )

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 are into Alcohol, Exorcisms and Bruce Campbell…though some of you seem to be flirting with David Tennant ( traitors! )

and here’s what I learned about Politics ( which brought me straight back to thinking about my toilet ) : This Louis Black On Homeland Security… 🙂  He says it’s all about duct tape and Electro Shock Therapy. I did NOT know that.

I’ll be darned.

Warning…nasty words alert- careful where you play this!

 

So that was what I learned…and thanks for asking- no my toilet did not overflow.

YAY!

 

 

It’s Haka Time

A haka is a traditional dance form of the Māori of New Zealand. It is a posture dance with shouted accompaniment, performed by a group

okay, okay…here’s the read deal…enjoy!