Last year my dog Cerberus- or Cerbie as I called her started to have some trouble walking.

That  didn’t come as a big surprise, she is a big dog and was 10 years old. She was showing her age but she would walk through it for the sole purpose of keeping up with me as I buzzed around my house-flying from room to room to do only God knows what.

Escaping from Demons or fire from the looks of it  because I  always  seemed to be in one big rush.

But when I saw Cerbie struggling on some days to keep up with me I started to slow down. And on the bad days I would stop whatever I was doing to tell her she was my good girl and that I would wait up for her.

And I did.

Sometimes a walk from my kitchen to the living room would take a minutes instead of a second . I considered those moments when I talked to Cerbie until she got up time well spent and I would give her a cookie or two – which I started to carry around with me for moments like that. Those were sweet moments when I think about it.

Over the year Cerbie- who was always by my side slowed down more- and so did I.

I wasn’t slowing down just at home for her.

When I was out I walked slower everywhere and I saw more. I saw more going on around me. I noticed more. I was getting to be a little more patient with everyone around me.  I learned that from Cerbie.

On the last day of her life Cerbie tried to follow me from room to room like she always did.

And then I turned around and she had collapsed Luis and I rushed her to the vet and on our way down there even though she was awake, she didn’t know I was there. I was losing her. I knew it.

When we got her to the Vet’s and I opened up the door to the back seat and one of the Vet’s assistants took a look at Cerbie and said we needed a stretcher that she was a big girl and I started to cry.

” No she isn’t ” I said ” She’s my little girl ” I’m sure I  sounded pathetic  but the young women who were there to help my Girl didn’t bat an eye. They just asked me her name and I said ” Cerbie”

You see, the day I brought Cerbie home when she was a puppy she weighed one pound less than my cat Wolfie. I would swear on a stack of bibles that Cerbie is little- but she was  big – she was a Retriever/Mastiff mix and weighed about 80 pounds- but she was my little girl and I never saw her as anything else.

So not even an hour after she collapsed I made the decision to let Cerbie who was 11 years old and my devoted companion go. I decided to let them put her down. The surgery sounded brutal and there was no guarantee she would make it through that. And my Little Girl who had only once in her life been away from home when she was Spayed and had never been separated from me for more than two months total in her entire life…I didn’t want to think about what it would have been like for her had she  made it through the surgery and maybe lived for a few days  scared in a hospital without her family-  so I said do it.

I’ve heard people talk about being with their pets when this is being done.  But they never said what it was like- I think I understand why. But this is what it was like for us.

They put Cerbie in this nice little room- two Vets assistants had put her on a blanket and were sitting with her on the floor and petting her when me and Luis came into the room.

She was already sedated and when she didn’t try to get up to be near me I died- right then and there my heart broke. I knew if she was even slightly aware of me at that point she wanted to get up and come to us. And she couldn’t. My poor girl.

So we got down on the floor with her the Vet sat down with us and she explained what she was going to do and she asked us if we were ready and I said yes.

First they gave her another sedative and as she did I told Cerbie that she was going to take a nap and when she woke up she would see her brother Wolfie again and Blitzer too- Blitzer was one of three kittens Cerbie took upon herself to raise and make her own.

And then she gave her the final injection and as she did I put my hand on Cerbie, I wanted her to feel me as she slipped away so that she would know that  she had done it. What she always did no matter what.

She was at my side.

What I’m putting up next might be  hard to look at- but they are the last pictures of me and Cerbie as she was passing away and I’m posting them for this reason:

Those last few minutes with Cerbie were painful, they were brutal but they will always be special to me because they were the last moments we had together on this Earth.

And they were beautiful.

a.m.m.

 

You can read a follow up post I wrote about Cerbie and her  family

HERE

a.m.m.