Commuting Sux

July 21, 2007October 30, 2007 / Anita Marie / 12 Comments

I was eating my chips enjoying the sun and watching the Homeland Security SUV’s cruise up and down 2nd Ave early this week at my bus stop.

They’ve got a routine, the white SUV with the Homeland Security logo circles the block twice and when the white SUV rolls through the intersection the second time a black Homeland Security SUV passes it and then about ten minutes later they do it all over again.

So what could possibly distract me from this intracate Traffic Ballet?

A guy with a hammer.

There’s a guy with a hammer following two guys wearing suits and he’s asking how’d they’d like a taste of it up long side their heads.

He’s waving the hammer in their faces and both these guys are looking at everyone standing along side the wall and wondering if we’re all going to stand there and do nothing

There were enough cell phones at that bus stop to circle the planet twice and no… nobody called for help- big surprise. I don’t have a phone on me and when I turned to a guy next to me he looked in the other direction.

So for whatever reason the guy with the hammer lets these two guys go and turns around and does the same thing to a couple of other guys who were standing at the bus stop NOT calling for help and he’s screaming about how he’s sick of ‘ you all’ and he starts waving the hammer some more.

Then he turns and looks right at me.

I’m back up against a wall and I figure he’s got the hammer and I’ve got nowhere to go. And from what I’ve seen we’re all on our own here. So I shove my little bag of chips into my book bag and I keep my eye on his right shoulder.

Then I step forward a little and decide that if he comes at me I’ll have to kneecap him with the heel of my foot- and you know that’s nothing compared to a hammer but…

It was a plan.

Then he raises the hammer up, looks through me and turns and goes screaming down the street about how all he ever wanted was some respect.

I look around.

There are four grown men who look like they’re going to start crying ( heck no I don’t think that’s funny ) there’s a bunch of people trying to find something to look at except for these four men who are falling apart right in front of us… then there’s me.

I grab what’s left of my chips out of my book bag and start munching.

I’m still mad about this entire thing and I’m not even sure why.

amm

25 Things My Mom Taught Me

July 20, 2007October 30, 2007 / Anita Marie / 8 Comments

Geeze!

Pull a prank on your kid Sister and pay for it for the rest of your natural life.

Because of an incident involving a nightmare and a Baby Alive Doll my Sister owns me–( see #7 )

It’s a long story but the end result is that she gets to commandeer the Irregular Bones Staff (that’s me and the Old Spice Guy) whenever she wants.

She wants this posted.

And she means it.

amm

Here they are-25 things My Mother taught me

( except for Anita-

she was raised by Wolves )

I mean me –

Old Spice Guy

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next
week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the
store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have
wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Viva Cheeto La Frito !

July 20, 2007June 6, 2008 / Anita Marie / 2 Comments

When I was about 6 and my brother Doug was 5 years old Chiquita Banana had an ad campaign going on and from what I can remember this woman with a basket on her head used to sing about Chiquita Bananas

“I’m Chiquita banana and I’ve come to say –

Bananas have to ripen in a certain way-

When they are fleck’d with brown and have a golden hue –

Bananas taste the best and are best for you –
Music © 1945 Shawnee Press Inc.

Doug loved bananas, he loved that stupid song and he loved to tease me because he could.

So on the day that he discovered Chiquita Anita rhymed and he could sing about his favorite fruit and torture me all in one wonderful stroke he sang that song non-stop.

He sang it on the way to school, he sang it in the bathroom he called me up when I was playing at my friend’s houses and sang it over the phone.

You’d think that he would get bored with the Chiquita Anita thing. And he did. Good thing he discovered Cheetos.

It started off as Anita La Cheeto and then I became Cheeto La Frito.

I never lived it down and on the day they bury me he’s going to magic marker Cheeto La Frito on my headstone.

But over the years I’ve grown and matured ( unlike some OTHER people in our family ) and I’ve learned to deal with my little brother’s stupid sense of humor.

When we were younger every once and awhile I’d deal with it by going into combat mode and I’d spread the stories like the one about how my brother’s girlfriend was such a mean vindictive brat that her pet turtle ran away from home and how my brother went out in the middle of the night to look for it and stepped on it by accident.

Me and Doug are both older and wiser now ( well, that’s HALF true ), Cheeto La Frito is patient, and thoughtful and Cheeto La Frito has learned that male pattern baldness runs in our family.

I am so ready for this Little Brother

Everyone knows Cheeto La Frito shows no Mercy- and if they didn’t before…

Well they do now.

Love from

The First Time

July 19, 2007October 30, 2007 / Anita Marie / 4 Comments

I hadn’t been to a funeral or in a cemetery for over 6 years- that’s how long it had been since I’d left my job at the Funeral home. I hadn’t thought about that until the night my friend called.

Death and I were no longer in a relationship.

“My Mom is in Hospice now. She’s dieing Anita, so you’ll want to come in and say good bye.”

I did want to say good-bye, so I went and when I get to the hospice it’s all pink and quiet and there was a Dominos Pizza Delivery car parked out front.

I sat out in my car for a minute and got myself ready.

I took off my makeup (in case I started to cry) and I pulled my hair back and braided it.

I’m not a Mortician anymore, I told myself. I don’t have to deal with Death the way I used to. When someone has died or they’re dieing I can cry or get angry or shut down but I don’t have to separate myself from the moment.

In a way I was meeting Death again for the first time.

That scared me more then seeing my friend’s dieing Mother.

I got out of the Car and went into the Hospice and checked in and found my friend’s Mom.

Her room was full of people and there she was in the bed and I could see that a machine was breathing for her and it occurred to me that once people had said good bye- well, that’s what we were here for.

I went over to the bed and took her hand; I wasn’t a Mortician anymore- I kept telling myself. Death and me have gone our separate ways.

I could feel my friend looking at me from the other side of the bed and when I looked up she said to me, ” She knows we’re here for her Anita.”

I felt her hand and I looked down at the bed and I felt my face arrange itself on it’s own just like in the old days.

My face, quiet, dignified and still.Death’s face was down there looking back up at me quiet, dignified and still and I said, ” I’m here.”

I looked back up at my friend and she was smiling. ” She knows.”

I nodded and sat down and held that familiar hand and talked to my friend until her husband and kids arrived.

I stayed for as long as I could after that and on my way out my phone rang.

It was my husband.” How much longer does she have? ” he asked.

” Just a Sec. ” I mumbled into the phone and then I went outside looked around and said, ” She’s gone.”

I got back into my car, brushed my hair out and went home.

It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.

You Say That Like It’s A Good Thing

July 18, 2007July 19, 2007 / Anita Marie / 8 Comments

LiveScience.comMon Jul 2, 11:55 PM ET

New Drug Deletes Bad Memories

Do you have a really bad memory, or past heartache, that you would prefer to forget?

Researchers at Harvard and McGill University (in Montreal) are working on an amnesia drug that blocks or deletes bad memories. The technique seems to allow psychiatrists to disrupt the biochemical pathways that allow a memory to be recalled.

Okay, this is NOT good.

It’s bad.

Let me spell this out, they want to develop a drug that will disrupt pathways in YOUR BRAIN that allow memories to be recalled.

How interesting, you can take a human brain and wipe it clean and replace it with what?

Happy thoughts?

Who will decided what goes and what stays?

You?

Hey, if you’re in such a bad way that you need to chemically shut down pathways in your brain to keep memories from surfacing I doubt if anyone is going to listen to a word you have to say, am I right?

I wonder- if you take away the things that made you the person you are now, what on earth will you become if you take any of that (even the bad things) away.

Once that stuff hits your brain you won’t be the same.

Now there’s a thought.

I.B. PSA

July 17, 2007July 17, 2007 / Anita Marie / 8 Comments

!Warning!

Toxic People Suck.

This was an I.B. PSA

Oregon Gives Vermont The Spotted Owl

July 16, 2007July 17, 2007 / Anita Marie / 4 Comments

For years and years and years I thought the only purpose Oregon had was to keep Washington State from sliding down into California.

Then Kent Couch took his balloon trip, I heard this interview with a woman who lives somewhere in the wilds of Oregon who kept a rifle above her door to protect herself from ‘bears and those drug kids from Seattle’ and I happen to know now for a fact that the best Salt Water Taffy in the world is made down there.

I’ve been seduced.

I totally fell in love with Oregon.

God, thank you for Oregon- I’d have to say it’s your best work yet.

What follows is a news report that proves it.

I’m going ahead and reprinting a story from the Associated Press here for fear that one day the link will go down and this great story will be lost forever.

DeFazio wants ‘investigation’ into Vermont’s Simpsons win

By Associated Press

SPRINGFIELD, Ore. (AP) – U.S. Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Springfield is still piqued that his hometown wasn’t chosen to host the premiere of the upcoming animated film “The Simpsons,” particularly since “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening is an Oregon native.

In fact, he smells a rat, and has asked U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate – sort of.

In a spoof letter from DeFazio’s office to Gonzalez, he points out that Springfield, Ore., with around 52,000 residents, lost out on the right to hold the premiere to Springfield, Vt., which won a contest sponsored by 20th Century Fox, despite having only 9,000 residents.

“Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud,” DeFazio writes, tongue planted firmly in cheek. “It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?”

DeFazio continues that he’s well aware that many will dismiss his concerns, saying that the Oregon Springfield was simply “rolled” by the giant pink doughnut of Homer Simpson’s dreams, featured prominently in the winning video submitted by Springfield, Vt.

“But I believe there were significant voting irregularities,” DeFazio writes. “Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter.”

Gonzalez’s office could not immediately be reached for comment on the spoof letter.

The letter concludes in true Simpsons fashion: Instead of signing off “Sincerely,” or “Yours Truly,” DeFazio concludes with an “Okiliydokily.”

Despite DeFazio’s efforts, on July 21, Springfield, Vermont’s 100-seat movie theater is slated to play host to the movie, which opens July 27.

ORIGINAL STORY HERE

and of course…here’s a Promo:

In Respect

July 15, 2007September 28, 2007 / Anita Marie / 5 Comments

When I worked as a Mortician the first thing I learned was not embalming techniques or how to arrange flowers at the graveside or how to fix a body ruined by disease or violence.

I learned to respect the dead.

I never made fun of a body, or complained about a family’s requests or sat there when someone talked about their now changed lives and planned what I was going to do over the weekend.

Call me weird but I think that messing with the Dead says something about your character- like maybe you don’t have one.

I also think that if there are sins that catch up with you one day disrespecting the Dead- I’m positive is- one of them.

So what brought this post on tonight?

Here in Washington State, in Tacoma, a little girl was taken from her family and murdered.She is only 12 years old and her name is Zina Linnik

Her murderer was a neighborhood man with a violent past- and along with Zina’s death the authorities are now looking at four other cases involving murdered and missing children who were taken from Tacoma as well.

As if that were not heinous enough- Zina is being shamelessly used by ” Anti- Mexican ” groups who want to secure our borders with Mexico.

These groups are openly blaming her death on ” Illegal Aliens”

The thing of it is, the man who is accused of this crime isn’t Mexican. He’s Thai. He’s not an ” Illegal Alien “. He is a legal permanent resident of the U.S..

And don’t for one second think that the Anti-Mexican Supporters who are now dancing all over Zina’s grave don’t know that too.

They know and they don’t care.

This little girls family deserves justice and sympathy and support.

They don’t need to see their daughter’s story on blogs or websites screeching about “Immigrants” invading our Country and bringing their evils with them for one simple reason.

Zina Linnik’s family, you see, are Ukrainian.

News Report Here

Leave A Message At The Tone

July 15, 2007October 30, 2007 / Anita Marie / 3 Comments

It’s Sunday so you know what that means…

God Chat!

So here we go:

Dear God,

I’ve learned something this week: Racists should really remember to use Spell-Check when they send out hate e-mails because the message is lost when something you’re reading looks like it was authored by an 11 year old in need of Ritalin.

Thanks for giving Prince (who happens to be my Favorite Sister’s – okay, she’s my ONLY Sister) the idea to play three shows over 12 hours for his fans in Minneapolis. My sister wasn’t there, but this story about her favorite musician will her feel good – so cool move God. Oh, I liked it because Prince only stopped the show when the Police (the law guys, not the er- you know ‘ band’ ) told him to.

I love a Rebel.

And I would like to thank you Mighty One

for moving someone to create this.

It has Pirates it has Johnny Depp

It’s a Wild Thing

But I think I love it.