Oh Hi God!
Guess what me and my friend Max did…
go on guess.
No GUESS.
And none of that knows all sees all stuff.
You have to guess.
Okay- fine be that way, just click the pic
and ye shall know the truth.
Writing
And When She Was Bad…
All About Eve is one of my favorite movies.
I like it, because no matter how you dress it up- with the censored version that made it to the screen or the original version where Eve not only tastes but indulges in the bitter fruit of her wicked ways-
all of the characters remained patronizing and vapid.
Not to mention self indulgent.
So I really enjoyed seeing something like Eve show up and set the house on fire.
It’s also worth noting that the women in this movie- from Airy Fairy Karen to Self Adoring Margo to our Wonderfully Wicked Eve
kicked some serious backside.
In High Heels no less.
amm
Ruthless people: Anne Baxter plays Eve Harrington in the 1950 classic All About Eve; Celeste Holm (left) is Karen Richards, a friend she uses on her way to the top. Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Welcome To The Outer Limit
I write a lot about Bruce Campbell and David Tennant– in my opinion ( and this is my blog so…) they are the only two actors worth writing about.
That is until Tom and his Best Buddy the Church of Scientology flew staight into my face and mashed against my skull like a bug on a windshield.
Okay.
This is what I think about Tom Cruise and Scientology.
Tom Cruise- I work near a mental health clinic – they are very discreet and the people who work there are wonderful. They are giving and kind and practical, the well being of their clients are paramount to them.
For the love of all that is good, make an appointment with them. You and that guy who stands on the corner by my bus stop and sings hyms and leaves offerings of food to the Gods Dwell In The Abandon Hotel can go together.
FYI Tom I’ve just noticed that the guys ears are bleeding so make your call them pronto- the clinic guys, not the Gods In The Hotel
And to the Scientology Attorneys who have sent Cease and Desist letters to the websites showing this video…all I can say is Homeland Security, NASA the Pentagon and a local law enforcement agency have been to my blog alone…so bring it on big boys- I will be more then glad to show my support to any provider who shows this clip.
Now here is a link to a news story – there are no pictures of men in black or the Outer Limits or Twilight Zone theme playing in the background- I’m guessing because it wouldn’t fit.
Does anyone know the theme to ” One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest”?
Click the link below to:
okay I couldn’t resist…here’s the
South Park Take On Scientology.
My Super Shiny Toy
I have a shiny toy.
It’s called
It’s my other blog.
Everyone wants to play with it.
That includes-
my friends
my family
and the guys at the Pentagon.
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| Time of Visit | Dec 19 2007 10:14:53 am | ||||||||||||||||
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Boy.
Do I have a cool toy.
Open At Dusk
My friends and I have been talking about Drive In Theatres.
When I was a kid I thought Drive Ins were great because you got to sit in your car eat Popcorn and watch a movie- or if you were a creative kid like me you’d stretch that evening out to a full night of fun.
I used to Roller-skate around the lot before the movie and during intermission and count how many people were in their cars ” getting some Nookie “
That was what my older cousins called it.
Let me clear something up here:
I used to think ” Nookie ” was a word for eating Pizza- I thought it was the steam from the Pizza that fogged the windows up.
Give me a break I was like eight or nine at the time and it made sense.
Plus I was pretty clueless.
Anyway….
When I was about 12 I found out that a bunch of teenagers from the neighborhood used to drive almost 50 miles away to go to a Drive In by the airport- and watching these kids plan for it made my head hurt.
I couldn’t believe how complicated going to the movies was for these kids. I thought they were dumb- how hard could it be to get yourself to a Drive In?
They spent days trying to get a car, hours trying to get a story together about where they were going and somebody always slipped up and someone always got busted before ‘movie night’ and that was always dramatic with barefoot kids in bell bottom jeans running from house to house trying to salvage the evening.
It made my head hurt just to watch this.
Me and my friends and cousins went to the Drive In almost every weekend and we certainly didn’t spend days and days planning it.
We just badgered our parents into making somebody take us.
Later on- when I was about 12 one of my neighbor friends told me the older kids were driving all the way down there to see what our Grandparents called ” Stag Films”.
The kids told me that you could see a bunch of them for free- of course you had to sit on a fence in the cold and dark with a bunch of airplanes landing and taking off every 10 minutes over your head and you couldn’t hear anything because you didn’t have a car to attach a speaker to.
” But man, who cares? ” they’d say.
And I’d think, ” well I would. “
God I’m glad I knew how to keep my mouth shut most of the time.
Later there was this city or county ordinance passed that said Drive Ins couldn’t show ” Stag Films ” anymore so that took care of the older kids going on road trips to airport to watch movies.
On the other hand, if you just wanted to go to the movies and maybe goof off on the playground equipment or stand in line at the concession stands and buy popcorn and hot dogs or play pinball while you waited for your friends to use the bathroom you could still do that- it may not have been as adventurous as watching a movie from the street with the threat of ” THE MANAGER ” chasing you off…but so what?
It was fun while it lasted.
That’s all gone – the Drive In is no more.
The compromise is that now days you can have little TVs in your car or you can watch films on your computer- it’s all very convenient and all pretty Soulless
-and the worst thing of all-
You can’t roller-skate around a dark lot full of cars parked on wavy pavement and count how many people are in their cars getting Nookie anymore.
Don’t F$#@ With Darrin
Darrin and I have been friends since we were seven.
He expressed his affection for me by offering to marry me when we were in the First Grade everyday at morning recess- in front of my friends and the sixth graders and on his knees.
My answer was to tie him to the tether-ball pole and to leave him there until recess was over.
In the Second Grade Darrin used to draw hearts on my desk- in magic marker.
I used to beat him up for that because darn it, that ink would NOT come off and for some reason the teacher who thought this situation was ‘too cute for words’ ( as he told my Mom ) couldn’t ‘find’ another desk.
And then part way through the third grade it occurred to me to just ignore Darrin.
That went on for weeks until one day I’m in my room- and there’s a knock on the living room door and I hear it open and I hear
Crying
It’s Darrin and he’s there with his Mom and they’re talking and my Mom and when I went out there all I could say was
” I haven’t touched that Cootie..I hate that Cootie…he BUGS me.”
I thought I was pretty darn funny.
My Mom is not amused.
Friends and neighbors she doesn’t even blink – I don’t think she was even breathing- she was MAD.
So my Mom asks Darrin what I did ( I was tried and convicted on the spot- my Mom does not screw with due process ) and that little Cootie- Head says
” Anita hates me…she won’t talk to me anymore.”
Not only did my Mom take away my bike, she took away my record player-
just for making Darrin cry.
So at a very young age I learned…
Don’t mess with Darrin
I ‘ve lived by that for over 30 years now.
So a couple of years ago I get this e-mail from Darrin.
We’re both Doctor Who fans and he tells me that when he was in the U.K. he saw the new Doctor on the TV.
Here’s what he said,
” His name is David Tennant and do you know what Anita? I never thought I’d say this becuase I didn’t think it could ever be true- but there is someone out there who is far more prettier then you are.”
So I google David Tennant take a good look and fire back this e-mail
” Dear Cootie Maestro,
When the Master shows up he’s totally going to make this guy his Bitch.”
Darrin sent a copy of that to my Mom- who couldn’t punish me but it should be noted that for Christmas that year she didn’t give me her traditional gift of Cherry Cordials ( the mint ones ).
Even from his Grandmother’s house on the other side of the world Darrin got me busted.
God!
So for a couple of YEARS I have bit my lip everytime Darrin starts talking about
and I quote
” Doctor Whoa Baby Tennant “
It was all good until about a month or so ago when I called Doctor Who a floozy- well for god-sakes it was a comment section and how was I supposed to know people who don’t comment ( LIKE YOU DARRIN ) read those things-
Anyway, Darrin sees it…
so he says it’s my choice-
I give up blog space to Doctor Whoa Baby or he tells about the time I….
well-
anyway
he’ll do it.
And how long will I have to do this for?
Until I die.
Like I said Don’t F*&^ with Darrin.
But don’t worry Darrin… Mon Petit Insecte…
Vengence will be mine.
One day my Mom will NOT be around to protect you.
Until then…
here’s some Doctor Whoa Baby stuff….Darrin….you Toad…
the pen is mightier than the spork…
blah blah blah, missing scientist, blah blah blah, atom bomb
this is a great blog- go see it for yourself- and to get you moving along it does involve YOU KNOW WHO HERE
This is a fun clip.
I happen to like the song, plus somebody gets slapped around a couple of times- anyway….here it is….
This is a pretty cool fansite…if you’re interested in pictures and things of that nature that involve Mr. Tennant
Okay.
I’m done.
For now.
Geeze
Same Planet Different Worlds.
On one world someone ( ahem Max ) likes this guy- he’s a famous actor.
My niece- who is a sane 15 and exists on the same Planet as Max -knows him as the PriceLine.Com guy-
okay, I have to fess up when I started to think about this warp in reality I felt like I was in one of those Twilight Zone Episodes involving Mirrors and people who look like the people you know…
but they’re not.
( scary music bit comes in here )
Okay- for real now….
I actually thought that entire Priceline/ Captain Kirk situation was pretty funny until I remembered the first time I was shot into a screwed up alternate reality.
Here’s what happened- I was a HUGE MEGA fan of a band called Slade when I was like 10 or 11 and shut the Heck up about it years later when this Metal Band hijacked TWO…COUNT THEM… TWO of their songs and flew them straight up the charts.
I should have had more guts…I should have at least laughed at the lameness of it all…I was a musician, I played in clubs, I taught guitar and you know what? I could have articulated why something like this was just wrong, wrong, wrong.
Well I didn’t, and that turned out to actually be a defining moment in my life because from that point on I NEVER hid how I really felt about Music or Politics or Writing after swallowing that bitter piece of vomit.
Okay, it’s history-Slade still rocks and over the years I still haven’t changed- I still speak up- in fact-
I like to speak up…and I do it every chance I get.
So in closing here’s a pretty great song that Quiet Riot DIDN’T record.
Yay.
Enjoy.
amm
Run Run Away
I like black and white (dreaming of black and white)
You like black and white
Run run away
[chorus]
See chameleon
Lying there in the sun
All things to everyone
Run run away
If you’re in the swing (money ain’t everything)
If you’re in the swing
Run run away
If you gotta crush (don’t beat about the bush)
When I gotta crush
Run run away
Oh now can’t you wait (love don’t come on a plate)
Oh now can’t you wait
Run run away
See there chameleon
Lying there in the sun
All things to everyone
Run run away
Run run away
Run run away
Run run away
(click on the Pic to get to Slade’s Official Site)
On The Eleventh Day
Things Start To Get A Little Too Quiet
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
My favorite part of Christmas wasn’t the presents or the food or even the free Sideshow that my family and friends provided that I in turn have shamelessy used in my writing years later
My family and friends are in ALL of my stories.
Anyway.
The best part was when we’d turn off most of the house lights, light some candles sit around the lit Christmas Tree and do the only thing you could do after a hard day of eating and drinking and making Merry.
We’d tell stories.
Everyone had a chance to tell a story- no matter how old or young – you got a chance to have the floor and tell stories like that one about that time when….
My Grandfather Saw The Ghost Lady
One of my Grandfathers was a dark haired Englishman and the other was a dark haired Filipino man and they both shared a similar experience.
They both saw the same woman at the same time- and they were living on opposite sides of the world.
So, in your minds eye picture my English Grandfather driving his 1940 Ford Coupe- his dark hair slicked back and wearing a snazzy suit- down the unlit rural streets of a town just outside of Seattle.
It’s a cold night because it’s Christmas Eve and it had started to snow a little that afternoon and the roads were icy and dangerous but that was fine with the dashing handsome man with my laugh that would one day become my Grandfather because he’s a good driver and he has no intention of not showing up at his family’s house in time for Christmas Dinner.
And somewhere in the Canefields on the big Island of Hawaii my other Grandfather- a dark handsome man with jet black hair and my eyes- is driving something called a Willy’s Jeep- through the dark fields towards his home along the bluff of the Waipio Valley where his family is waiting for him to bring home the treats for their Christmas Party.
And as they almost reach their homes they each see standing on the side of the road- a woman.
Her hair is white and her eyes are green .
She’s wearing a black dress and her hair is pulled back and she’s wearing rings on all of her fingers.
Each of them pulls up to the side of the road and asks the woman if she needs help.
” No” she tells them. ” I just need a ride.”
” To where ” they ask.
She leans in and whispers, ” Why, I want to go to wherever it is you’re going.”
Both of them don’t like her- they don’t like the way her hand rests on the hoods of their car, they don’t like the way she sounds, they don’t like the way she seems very sure she’s going to get what she wants.
” You can’t come with me. ” they tell her.
The Woman slams her palm down and the Car and the Jeep tilt a little to the left and she says, ” I go where I want- do you hear me? And what I want is for you to let me in!”
Both of my Grandfathers start to pull away and that’s when they look down and see that the hem of the woman’s dress is floating a little above the ground- where her feet should be.
But weren’t.
When they looked backup into her face she was smiling.
” I travel these roads but I don’t walk them.”
Did she tell you how she traveled them? I asked over 30 years later.
Neither man answered me.
Their story always ended with them driving off and the Ghost Lady being pulled back into the trees at the side of the road or the canfields by the shadows.
I think she did answer and in the end when they died I think they won- whatever that Ghost Lady said, whatever curse or threat she made- got left on those roads years ago.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if they had let her in, would I be here to tell you this story?
I could answer it if you like…or you could leave it here on the side of the road.
The choice is yours.
Happy Holidays
from
amm
On The Fourth Day
All Major Side Affects Should Wear Off
On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
One Christmas, I’m not sure how it happened, but I ended up with my 3 Nieces in the back of my Jeep ( and NO they were not in the trunk- Jeeps don’t have trunks ) and we were going to THE MALL to see Santa.
There are so many things wrong with that picture- but I was feeling all Holiday-ish and the girls are funny in a Grateful Dead Fan on heavy meds way so I agreed and off we went.
When we got to THE MALL there was a sort of line and my nieces who were 9, 4, and 6 were pretty quiet for once- which sort of had me worried off the bat because every once and awhile I’d see them looking at each other and winking when they thought I wasn’t I wasn’t paying attention.
Little did they know- I always know when fresh Hell is being unearthed.
It’s in my nature.
So it starts the minute we get our turn to take pictures with Santa.
The girls get posed and the youngest is on Santa’s lap and my Oldest Niece says, ‘ Tia, where’s baby Joe? “
So right away I see a bunch of people start looking around for ‘ Baby Joe’ and the Hell Raiser Alert light in my head starts to flash off and on.
For reasons yet to be understood my youngest son had nicknamed my cat ” Baby Joe ” and the girls had never liked that name so when I see them pass ‘the look’ to each other my Hell Raiser Alert goes on Full Alert Mode and my other Niece says, ” She locked him in the laundry room because he tried to steal food off of the counter again.”
” Tia, ” my oldest Niece says ” why won’t you let Baby Joe eat? “
” Cut it out ” I hiss- I mean it I HISSED because right there in front of Santa and his Elves my Nieces were doing something to me that their own Mother ( my youngest Sister ) had been afraid to do for her entire life
They were messing with my head.
Anyway, Santa and his Elves and a few Parents look like they’re going to make a mad run for Child Protective Services- which is conveniently located across the street from THE MALL.
” There is no Baby Joe ” I tell an Elf who is convinced I’m a liar but she goes to the camera anyway and sets up the shot.
The girls smile ( apparently through their pain and concern for ‘Baby Joe’), they get their pictures taken and wouldn’t you know it one of the Elves leans over and hands my oldest niece a candy cane for ” Baby Joe”.
” Oh for God Sakes. ” I start walking away and the girls are running after me and they’re snickering and giggling and every once and awhile they’d snort ‘ Baby Joe ‘.
When we got to my Jeep they’re looking very pleased with themselves and I’m trying to figure out which of my relatives put them up to this stunt when this guy- desperate to get into my parking space- tries to pull in before I’m backed all the way out-
and my Nieces are in the back- and when I turned I could see the headlights stop inches- inches away from the door my oldest Niece is sitting next to.
Well before I can get out of my car to tell this guy about my fully developed plans for his impending death he’s at my window in a panic asking if anyone is hurt, he’s sorry etc etc and then he shuts up and backs up and almost slips and falls and I’m thinking he’s drunk.
And I turn around and look into my backseat and my Nieces are doing something that I had spent countless hours teaching them-
they’ve pulled their eyelids up and rolled their eyes up so that only the whites were showing-
and they’re drooling.
My throat tightens up and I bury my face in my steering wheel.
And wouldn’t you know it- that Christmas morning Santa brought the girls exactly what they asked for that day at THE MALL.
He even brought something for Baby Joe.
Only 9 more days until I reach
The Inner Circle of Hell
CHRISTMAS.
On The Third Day
We Toss Out The Left Overs
On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
A few years ago my bus got caught in a snow storm and the going was slow.
S-L-O-W
So me and my friends told jokes, we told stories, we ate the Christmas Candy and food some of us had brought home from work parties that day.
Somebody busted into the wine bottle I had in my backpack (a gift from an oh-so generous Secret Santa) and someone else made a game out of the five of us drinking it without the other passengers catching on.
Oh Sure.
Nobody did.
Anyway.
Seeing that the other passengers were nervous about being stranded on the freeway and were openly worried about having to walk home or other such real and uncomfortable options me and my friends decided to cheer everybody up by telling stories at the top of our lungs
– about –
THAT TIME WE GOT STUCK ON THE BUS
The worst time was when there was a shooting, the gunman was loose on I-5 or was near it ( I forget the particulars ) so law enforcement shut the freeway down.
It was warm that day.
One of my bus friends decided after an hour or so to start talking about lakes and oceans and water fountains and Italian Sodas.
By the time he was done- (we remembered with hysterics) half the bus had to go to the bathroom, and we bet that the other half would have drank it.
AND THEN THERE WAS THAT OTHER TIME
The bus broke down and they promised that another bus was going to stop and get us…of course it didn’t and we watched it speed on by- but hurray! There was a second bus that came right up behind it about 15 minutes later and we thought it was going to pull in front of us so we could all get on.
Instead it stopped right along side of our bus.
I could see what was happening.
My brain locked.
” No.” I started to pound on the window like that kid in the horror film” Audrey Rose ” and I start yelling over and over ” No! For the love of God No!”
What is it? Everyone is asking me.
” It’s broken down…our rescue bus is BROKEN DOWN!”
AND WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME
We were stuck on the freeway because the Driver had called in and requested that someone come out and put chains on the bus because when the pavement is black and twinkling and big fluffy flakes are starting to fall, it’s safe to say that unless you’re a Polar Bear you probably shouldn’t be out there driving around without a little traction.
So thinking that no one was really listening except for my usual bus pals I told the story about that time me my friends and sneaked into this graveyard and built a massive snow fort and snow-people all around the grounds and how we even decorated one of the trees and how we later called the Funeral Home and blamed the entire mess on the college students who thought it was cool to hold seances and burn black candles on the headstones and things like that.
” Wow, you and your friends were evil little kids ” someone told me
and I said
” You know, like we did that two weeks ago. “
Ho Ho Ho
Only 10 more days until I reach
The Inner Circle of Hell
CHRISTMAS.
Irregular Bones 