Writing

Beware The Low Flying Monkeys

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

( Okay, I’ll explain, Low Flying Monkeys is a phrase I used  years ago. Instead of telling people good bye or good luck I’d look them in the eye and say with genuine feeling “Beware The Low Flying Monkeys” 

 It just seemed like good advice to give someone as they hit the road-o-life)

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It’s been one of those days…one of those days where I’m being tested.

Don’t know if it’s by the Big Boss Upstairs or the Other Boss Downstairs but I’m being tested and until I figure this out- well, let’s just say I won’t be shooting fate in the eye with any spitballs.

I found out today that a few months ago my Uncle had a heart attack.

In a Casino.

While he was gambling.

And somebody along the way assured him it was going to be okay because ‘the best hospital in town is located right by the Casinos- because you know, this sort of thing happens a lot.’

Do I laugh or cry?

That is the question.

And until I figure it out I do believe I’ll lay low.

Well, you know for a few hours anyway.

amm

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A Nice Place To Visit

/ Anita Marie / 16 Comments

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When I was a kid, I lived on a neat street.

The kids were neat and the parents were neat and all the kids were in Scout Troops or took swimming lessons at the pool.

They all went on camping trips and had barbeques during the summer and during the winter they all went skiing.

Except for me, of course.

When we first moved to this neat street my parents used to try and force me to play with the neighbor kids and I wouldn’t- I said they were Zombies and that I was pretty sure they’d eaten the last kid who lived in our house.

I remember the way my Dad looked at me the first time I said that. He just shook his head and I’m not sure but I think it was weeks before he said another word to me.

I was nine at the time- so I could be off on that by a bit. 

The problem was I wasn’t a neat kid, I was that weird little kid that didn’t have any friends and never got invited to parties and I got kicked out of Blue Birds because I forgot to bring the treats when it was my turn to do treat day.

Actually the Blue Bird Leader’s daughter kicked me out- I didn’t care because they never got treats that day-, which still makes me laugh when I think about it.

I may have been a weird kid, but I wasn’t a dumb kid and I made it a point to never be with any of these kids alone- or with their parents who smiled too much.

In fact, I used to have nightmares about those kids and their parents and in my dreams they were running me down with their station wagons.I still have those dreams.

Over the years I ran into some of these kids- I drove one to their final resting place in a hearse, a friend of mine arrested one for molesting his children and another is in prison for killing her stepson.

After I kept hearing these stories I decided to take a drive down that Neat Street.

I saw the Neat Parents- they were puttering around their lawns or checking their mail or talking to their neighbors (just like the old days, it’s true some things never change) and I was horrified at how they all looked so worn out and old and tired and I realized those weren’t the Neat Parents-

I was looking at the Neat Kids. 

I slammed my brakes on and pulled visor down and looked in my vanity mirror and checked my face. I don’t know what I was looking for, but it was awhile before I felt calm enough to drive away.

I could hear myself, that nine year old Anita say, “ Told you, they’re Zombies. Now let’s go home.”

And that’s exactly what I did.

Midnight Conversation at Riversleigh Manor

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

I wrote this a couple of years ago- and it’s one of my favorites because of the two nameless ‘characters’.

I don’t where they came from but I like them-they’re bone chilling.

With that….

Enjoy! 

From my Soul Food Cafe Prompt Archives 

amm

 

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There’s something buried in the Gardener’s Shed and why would someone bury something that wasn’t dead yet?

The thing in the shed isn’t buried very deep, so if you were to crawl over the dead fall in front of the door and were able to push your way through he matted cobwebs and you didn’t mind the smell of rotting leaves and small unburied creatures you’d find  there under the window a slightly raised mound of earth.

Were you to look at the raised mound long enough and the light somehow managed to find it’s way through the little panes of glass covered with dust and dirt you’d think someone was lying there on their side with one arm cradling their cheek and the other laying comfortably on their side.

Wouldn’t you?

If you brought a flashlight and the beam was bright you might think you could see something wrong with the entire left side of the sleeping figure’s face. You might think that maybe that the face was gone, smashed in by something like that shovel in the corner.

Isn’t that right?

They might wonder what you were doing back there in a rotting shed behind the Manor House in the dead of Night, they might see you take the shovel and try to smooth and pound that little raised mound of Earth flat.

That’s what they’d see wouldn’t they?

So I must ask you again, why would you bury something that is not dead yet?

Go ahead you can tell me.

Just keep your hands were I can see them.

 

I’m Telling!

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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It’s Sunday, this is the day Good People go to Church and talk to God.

I’m not a ” Good People ” so I have to talk to God from my house. This is a good thing in case he gets it in his head to throw a few lightning bolts around when I start talking- at least nobody else will get hurt ( oh sure…like none of you have ever kissed some backside to get ahead ) except for me.

And right now I’m on my way to Hell on the express train so pardon me while I make right with God:

Hi God

I don’t know if you were serious when you put this stuff in your ‘grand plan’ but I figure either the world is about to end or you’re hitting the bottle ( again )

 Zsa Zsa’s Husband was found naked in a car, God it hurts my brain to think of this guy I have to let that one go…and that actress who blamed ” That Black Kid ”  for getting into trouble with the police- she a total flake God and if you could turn her into a pillar of salt I’d be ever so grateful- as would be the rest of the world. 

Oh and this: 

SEATTLE (AP) – In an interview early this year, Pierce County Prosecutor Gerry Horne called Washington state’s death penalty law a “farce” and suggested it is so ineffective that the Legislature should consider getting rid of it. (story here)

This is the definition of a farce: A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.

I don’t think lethal injections or hanging is a farce- I find a lot of things funny but Capital Punishment isn’t one of them.

Ha, that one shorted out your brain too, didn’t it?

I love Science- and when I was a kid I wanted to pilot a space ship. Now I wished I’d stuck with that God because did you know that there’s something called the ” Bottle To Throttle ” Rule at NASA?

No Kidding…in fact it gets even stranger:

Someone working for NASA sabatoged a computer. A Shuttle Astronaut was accused of trying to off a romantic rival and this guy named Himmel, (who retired in 1981 as associate director for what is now Glenn Research Center in Cleveland) said, ” “There’s no perfect system.” ( in regards to Policy at NASA )

I don’t know about you God, but hearing that made me think of the time I rode a roller coaster and my safety belt snapped open and wouldn’t lock- remember that?

It was mid way through the ride and I had to tie my belt closed.

Anyway I’d have tried like hell to get a job with NASA just so I could have front row seats to that freak show.

Well God, as you can see it’s a weird world you made, but it’s funny so I’ll give you points for that.

And if you could help me score another one of those great Egg Rolls like the one I had last year- I’d be a really good person for the rest of my life.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Jesus, I did it wrong again..

I MEAN

See you next Sunday

No- that’s not right either.

 How do you end this thing?

Oh yeah….here we go:

AMEN.

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Sunday I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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This is you Sunday  I. B. PSA

brought to you by  the Old Spice Guy….

Great- this is all we need.

Anita took this quiz over at Max’s Blog

and now she’s running around biting people.

And she tells people her cat is the wack job.

Anyway, stay away from her for the next few days.

This was your I.B. PSA.

Aloof and animalistic, you belong to the Gangrel Clan.

 Closely associated with werewolves, you are the shapeshifting vampire.

 You prefer nature than to live in the city and prefer the company of animals than of humans.

You are more known to keep to yourself then to help others.

 You are the lone wolf of the decendents of Caine.

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

Sing It Now… it’s Aloha Friday!

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

The I.B. Staff

( okay…so it’s just me…Anita Marie

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 the Old Spice Guy

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and the Doll Guy With The Knife )

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Would like to be the first to wish you all a great weekend.

And to start you off

here’s a little song

to take you along….

to wherever it is you want to go

It’s Aloha Friday, No Work ’til Monday Song Lyrics

c 1982 Paul Natto

Here is where I sit, all cloudy and blitzed

with the Primo bottles lying everywhere

Got a guitar in my hand and a Wesson Oil can

Under my okole for a chair.

CHORUS:

It’s Aloha Friday, no work till Monday.

Doo be doo, doo doo be, doo be doo be doo be doo!

(Repeat)

The cousins all here, drinking up my beer

got keikies running everywhere.

I got some poki on the side while mama’s trying to hide

the Miller and the Heineken beer.

(CHORUS)

OK. You know when you wanna get away, I mean one ting

about Friday ma, da working work is ovah yeah.

Frankly, ya, I feel good man.

I work hard all week long.

I can’t wait to get away, you know like down like the beach.

I’m cruise dis weekend yeah, get one hot concert too man,

dat’s the most important ting. But main ting too,

is to get enough money fo gas and to go out to da disco.

I like to see all da beautiful chicks Yeah!

So now I gonna jus kinda cruise, take my Bank Americard,

you know adderwise, how can I get money?

Right, plus den my friends always say

eh braddah, you can buy me one drink then.

THIRD VERSE

Kimo and the crew sucking up the brew

pulehu meat smoking on the side

All the surfers are a-droppin’

while the highschool are a-poppin’

down Kaluakaua for a ride.

CHORUS:

It’s Aloha Friday, no work ’til Monday.

Doo be doo,  doo doo be, doo be doo be doo be doo!

REPEAT

This Morning’s PSA

/ Anita Marie / 10 Comments

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Well Hello There!

Your regular PSA Announcer

is

hiding

I mean

powdering his nose

So I’m going to do today’s PSA

These are blogs that

the I.B Staff

( that’s Anita and that Old Spice Guy ) 

recommend

you visit

If anything, after seeing how erratic

the Staff’s reading taste is

I’m going to look like the Sane One around here

so I’m sure you’ll be seeing lots more of me.

this was your PSA

from

Doll Guy With The Big Knife

Because I Said So

Charlie’s House

Into The Blue

Ke Cute

Man About The House

Mister Peace

Tales From The Naughty Step

nota bene

/ Anita Marie / 19 Comments

 

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Instead of saying

” I could just kill someone right now “

in the hopes people will understand how angry you are

Threaten to turn the Monkeys loose.

People are afraid of Monkeys

and they’re terrified of Flying Monkeys.

They’ll get the point.

Really.

 

This has been an I.B. PSA

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Say It Like You Mean It

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. 

Benjamin Disraeli

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I was power washing homeless person vomit from off my loading dock today when from out of nowhere I remember this news story about a person who just won the lottery and they said,

” It’s not going to change me, I’m not giving up my job. ”

Man, why apologize for winning? And what is it with this humble thing? You didn’t win the lottery because you’re a good person. You just happened to get the right number or the right ticket and it doesn’t care who you were before you pulled it.Heaven knows I don’t either. Besides if I had won that drawing I’d look like the least deserving person on the face of the planet to win anything.

I wouldn’t be able to help myself.

So as I’m washing the vomit away I figure I might as well hose the pigeon yack from the railing while I’m at it.

And then as the water splashed up from the ground  into my face I thought to myself  “Oh sure, if I won the lottery I’d want to keep the vomit and my ugly face too. I live for getting the short end of the ‘stick o-life’ jabbed in my eye every darned day. Ooooo, I wouldn’t want to part with any of that!

But I’m honest; I’d look into the camera and say after the reporter asks the question (I would of course be wearing my celebratory Deely Boppers with the little shrunken heads on the tops) and I’d say with sincerity:

“I won’t be in to work because I intend to be on the first plane to California in the morning just in time for that guy who has a TV show about Plastic Surgery to open his office. Count on it, a month from now I fully intend be a brand new Anita who doesn’t have to hose vomit and bird poop from off of a loading dock anymore.

As to my future plans I’m going to be visiting places like Roswell, The Pez Museum and I’m going to Nevada to hang out near Area 51 and get sunburn. At some point in there I’m going to buy about a dozen of those bat house kits and nail them up all over my yard- just to drive my neighbor nuts. If he were smart he’d sell me his house before I get the Honey Bee Farm delivered.

Why?

He hates my cat…anyway-

My life won’t be about enrichment, it’s going to be all about living- which in case you haven’t noticed

YOU CAN’T DO IF YOU’RE WORKING IN A PLACE WHERE YOU NEVER SEE THE DAMNED SUN AND YOU HAVE TO HOSE VOMIT FROM THE STEPS OR YOU COULD SLIP IN THE SLIME AND BREAK YOUR NECK!”

Then I’d laugh, kiss the camera and do the Hula.

And I wouldn’t stop carrying on until they put me down with a tranqualizer dart.

Count on it.

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