women

You Just Never Learn, Do You?

/ Anita Marie / 15 Comments

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When I was about 22 I used to go dirt bike riding…a lot.

One summer I almost hit a tree because I didn’t want to run over my friend who had taken a bad spill in front of me.

Anyway I remember just missing the tree and ending up on my back with my bike on top of me and at the time I knew I was fine, but when they pulled my bike up I remember laughing like a jackass and saying, ” whoa…that’s gonna hurt tomorrow ”

Well tomorrow came 20 years later.

So Instead of taking the aspirin or using the heating pad I went out and played with my brand spanking new digital camera.

Playing with my camera involved me chasing my cats around, twisting into weird positions and I wanted to see if I moved around if the picture would still come out clear ( glad to report it does ).

 Oh, and I sat in front of the computer catching up on my writing until I realized my legs had gone numb.

All I can say is, ” I’ll be this is going to hurt tomorrow ”

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Home

/ Anita Marie / 1 Comment

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I’ve always thought of cemeteries as an in between place.

No one should commit a forever act here.

This story haunts me

And the sadness of what happened

overwhelms me.

An I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

 

 There’s a difference between Women and Ladies

and how they deal with life.

Here are a few examples:

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LADIES –

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix.

REAL WOMEN –

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes”.

 

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LADIES –

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives cares?

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LADIES –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

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LADIES –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN – 

Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don’t have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

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LADIES – 

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN –

Go to the bakery they’ll even decorate the pain in the neck for you.

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LADIES –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN –

Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don’t do it.

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LADIES –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN –

Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it.

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And finally the most important tip….

LADIES –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN –

Leftover wine??

Hello ???

 

this psa was brought to you by

the I.B Staff

and The Doll Guy With The Big Knife

 

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Commuting Sux

/ Anita Marie / 12 Comments

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I was eating my chips enjoying the sun and watching the Homeland Security SUV’s cruise up and down 2nd Ave early this week at my bus stop.

They’ve got a routine, the white SUV with the Homeland Security logo circles the block twice and when the white SUV rolls through the intersection the second time a black Homeland Security SUV passes it and then about ten minutes later they do it all over again.

So what could possibly distract me from this intracate Traffic Ballet?

A guy with a hammer.

There’s a guy with a hammer following two guys wearing suits and he’s asking how’d they’d like a taste of it up long side their heads.

He’s waving the hammer in their faces and both these guys are looking at everyone standing along side the wall and wondering if we’re all going to stand there and do nothing

There were enough cell phones at that bus stop to circle the planet twice and no… nobody called for help- big surprise. I don’t have a phone on me and when I turned to a guy next to me he looked in the other direction.

So for whatever reason the guy with the hammer lets these two guys go and turns around and does the same thing to a couple of other guys who were standing at the bus stop NOT calling for help and he’s screaming about how he’s sick of ‘ you all’ and he starts waving the hammer some more.

Then he turns and looks right at me.

I’m back up against a wall and I figure he’s got the hammer and I’ve got nowhere to go. And from what I’ve seen we’re all on our own here. So I shove my little bag of chips into my book bag and I keep my eye on his right shoulder.

Then I step forward a little and decide that if he comes at me I’ll have to kneecap him with the heel of my foot- and you know that’s nothing compared to a hammer but…

It was a plan.

Then he raises the hammer up, looks through me and turns and goes screaming down the street about how all he ever wanted was some respect.

I look around.

There are four grown men who look like they’re going to start crying ( heck no I don’t think that’s funny ) there’s a bunch of people trying to find something to look at except for these four men who are falling apart right in front of us… then there’s me.

I grab what’s left of my chips out of my book bag and start munching.

I’m still mad about this entire thing and I’m not even sure why.

amm

25 Things My Mom Taught Me

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

Geeze!

Pull a prank on your kid Sister and pay for it for the rest of your natural life. 

Because of an incident involving a nightmare and a Baby Alive Doll my Sister owns me–( see #7 )

It’s a long story but the end result is that she gets to commandeer the Irregular Bones Staff (that’s me and the Old Spice Guy) whenever she wants.

She wants this posted.

And she means it.

amm

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Here they are-25 things My Mother taught me

( except for Anita-

she was raised by Wolves )

I mean me –

Old Spice Guy

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next
week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the
store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have
wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Viva Cheeto La Frito !

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

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When I was about 6 and my brother Doug was 5 years old Chiquita Banana had an ad campaign going on and from what I can remember this woman with a basket on her head used to sing about Chiquita Bananas

“I’m Chiquita banana and I’ve come to say –

Bananas have to ripen in a certain way-

When they are fleck’d with brown and have a golden hue –

Bananas taste the best and are best for you –
Music © 1945 Shawnee Press Inc.

Doug loved bananas, he loved that stupid song and he loved to tease me because he could.

 

So on the day that he discovered Chiquita Anita rhymed and he could sing about his favorite fruit and torture me all in one wonderful stroke he sang that song non-stop.

 

 He sang it on the way to school, he sang it in the bathroom he called me up when I was playing at my friend’s houses and sang it over the phone.

 

You’d think that he would get bored with the Chiquita Anita thing. And he did. Good thing he discovered Cheetos.

 

It started off as Anita La Cheeto and then I became Cheeto La Frito. 

 

I never lived it down and on the day they bury me he’s going to magic marker Cheeto La Frito on my headstone.

 

But over the years I’ve grown and matured ( unlike some OTHER people in our family ) and  I’ve learned to deal with my little brother’s stupid sense of humor.

 

When we were younger every once and awhile I’d deal with it by going  into combat mode and I’d spread the stories like the one about how my brother’s girlfriend was such a mean vindictive brat that her pet turtle ran away from home and how my brother  went out in the middle of the night to look for it and stepped on it by accident.

 

Me and Doug are both older and wiser now ( well, that’s HALF true ), Cheeto La Frito is patient, and thoughtful and Cheeto La Frito has learned that male pattern baldness runs in our family.

I am so ready for this Little Brother

 

Everyone knows Cheeto La Frito shows no Mercy- and if they didn’t before…

 

Well they do now.

 

Love from

am

 

 

 

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The First Time

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

 

999629-100a.jpgI hadn’t been to a funeral or in a cemetery for over 6 years- that’s how long it had been since I’d left my job at the Funeral home. I hadn’t thought about that until the night my friend called. 

Death and I were no longer in a relationship.

“My Mom is in Hospice now. She’s dieing Anita, so you’ll want to come in and say good bye.”

I did want to say good-bye, so I went and when I get to the hospice it’s all pink and quiet and there was a Dominos Pizza Delivery car parked out front.

I sat out in my car for a minute and got myself ready.

I took off my makeup (in case I started to cry) and I pulled my hair back and braided it.

I’m not a Mortician anymore, I told myself. I don’t have to deal with Death the way I used to. When someone has died or they’re dieing I can cry or get angry or shut down but I don’t have to separate myself from the moment.

In a way I was meeting Death again for the first time.

That scared me more then seeing my friend’s dieing Mother.

I got out of the Car and went into the Hospice and checked in and found my friend’s Mom.

Her room was full of people and there she was in the bed and I could see that a machine was breathing for her and it occurred to me that once people had said good bye- well, that’s what we were here for.

I went over to the bed and took her hand; I wasn’t a Mortician anymore- I kept telling myself. Death and me have gone our separate ways.

I could feel my friend looking at me from the other side of the bed and when I looked up she said to me, ” She knows we’re here for her Anita.”

I felt her hand and I looked down at the bed and I felt my face arrange itself on it’s own just like in the old days.

My face, quiet, dignified and still.Death’s face was down there looking back up at me quiet, dignified and still and I said, ” I’m here.”

I looked back up at my friend and she was smiling. ” She knows.”

I nodded and sat down and held that familiar hand and talked to my friend until her husband and kids arrived.

I stayed for as long as I could after that and on my way out my phone rang.

 It was my husband.” How much longer does she have? ” he asked.

” Just a Sec. ” I mumbled into the phone and then I went outside looked around and said, ” She’s gone.”

I got back into my car, brushed my hair out and went home.

It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.

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In Respect

/ Anita Marie / 5 Comments

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When I worked as a Mortician the first thing I learned was not embalming techniques or how to arrange flowers at the graveside or how to fix a body ruined by disease or violence.

I learned to respect the dead.

I never made fun of a body, or complained about a family’s requests or sat there when someone talked about their now changed lives and planned what I was going to do over the weekend.

Call me weird but I think that messing with the Dead says something about your character- like maybe you don’t have one.

I also think that if there are sins that catch up with you one day disrespecting the Dead- I’m positive is- one of them.

So what brought this post on tonight?

Here in Washington State, in Tacoma, a little girl was taken from her family and murdered.She is only 12 years old and her name is Zina Linnik

Her murderer was a neighborhood man with a violent past- and along with Zina’s death the authorities are now looking at four other cases involving murdered and missing children who were taken from Tacoma as well.

As if that were not heinous enough- Zina is being shamelessly used by ” Anti- Mexican ” groups who want to  secure our borders with Mexico.

These groups are openly blaming her death on ” Illegal Aliens”

The thing of it is, the man who is accused of this crime isn’t Mexican. He’s Thai. He’s not an ” Illegal Alien “.  He is a legal permanent resident of the U.S..

And don’t for one second think that the Anti-Mexican Supporters who are now dancing all over Zina’s grave don’t know that too.

They know and they don’t care.

This little girls family deserves justice and sympathy and support.

They don’t need to see their daughter’s story on blogs or websites screeching about “Immigrants” invading our Country and bringing their evils with them for one simple reason.

Zina Linnik’s family, you see, are Ukrainian.

News Report Here

That’s What Little Girls Are Made Of…

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

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The last time I was involved in a fight during a sports game I was 10 and the person I fought  was a girl named Heidi.

Heidi The Tetherball Champ.

 I had just beaten our Reigning Champ and boy was she mad.

Actually psychotic is a more accurate description of Heidi that afternoon.

Anyway, at some point after I was called the winner (I may have been dancing…. I may have been singing, I don’t remember) she took the ball, beaned me with it and then tried to choke me with the tetherball rope and I AM NOT KIDDING.

What followed on my part wasn’t considered self-defense so I had to spend the next two days in the library during recess.

So look what happens today at a Seattle Mariners baseball game. 

Benches cleared during M’s game scuffle 

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OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) – Jason Ellison stood up for a teammate. Miguel Batista took one for the team. And Ichiro Suzuki? All he could do was laugh about his role in a benches-clearing shoving match.

I’m a Mariners Fan and all I can say is…way to take it for the team Batista- and Ellision…way to be there Ellison because that other guy pulled a sissy stunt that Heidi The Tether Ball Psycho wouldn’t have stooped to. 

She tried to brain me….yes, she tried to hang me from the teatherball pole…yes.

To her credit at least Heidi The Tetherball Psycho didn’t push me like…

a little girl.

amm

The Flower Room

/ Anita Marie / 5 Comments

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She smells  like the Flower Room at the Funeral Home I used to work at.

The Flower Room is this little room you walk through to get to the Embalming Room.

Because you have to stand there and punch in a code and then wait for the lock to pop you have no choice but to breath in the heavy, eye watering smell of flowers.

There is no real air in that room, I think in their last efforts to thrive the flowers and potted plants drink it all in and what’s left is the perfume. That God-awful fog of flower stench.

The smell is permanent; that’s where the flowers have gone for the passed 100 years this building has been in existence, that’s where the flowers will continue to go in the future, that’s where they will sit until they’re either taken into the chapel or out to the graveside.

I hate that smell- I hate it worse then decomp, I hate it worse then purge. I hate cut flowers anyway.

Back to the story, she smelled exactly like the flower room and when she would walk by me I’d hold my breath. Because I would have to hold my breath that also meant I never talked to her and when she would stand there and ask me a question my nose would start to run.

It was no loss, whenever I walked by her in the halls she’d say something that sounded like ” Hole-Ah  Sen-your-eata ” in this awful Spanish Accent, which is dumb because I’m not Spanish but she thought I was.

And I learned what she thinks in this world is all that counts.

If she thinks you’re a Mexican, you’re a Mexican, if she thinks that 2 and 2 equals five you better PROVE to her it doesn’t. If she thinks your place is to serve, then darn it, you better ask if she wants you to kiss her backside after you get done kissing her feet.

So here’s the deal.

She expected me to drop whatever I was doing in the morning to open the door for her.

She told me, when I asked why she felt like I need to hold the door open for her when nobody who walked in before or after her needed that particular service, that it was my job to ” support the Staff as they see fit.”

This came from the mouth of the girl who ran the Copy Machines and checked the mail in for our Administration Staff.

I told my Boss what she said. He reminded me I actually out ranked her. He told me to find a way to deal with it and he’d stick by my plan.

 Then he told me not to hurt her to bad.

This was the routine; she’d stand in front of this unlocked door and tap on the glass over and over and over until I walked over and pushed it open. Then she’d breeze by me stinking like 100 years worth of flowers that had been stored in a windowless airless room and I’d have to pull the door closed after her.

The unlocked door.

The one she could have opened herself.

After about a week of this baloney I made my stand.

She starts one morning…tap, tap, tap and she’s pointing down to the door handle and then to her watch and then she starts tapping on the door again. 

This is a glass door and she almost has her faced pushed right into the glass and she’s smiling- she’s smiling this big toothy smile.

I go up to the door and take my keys out.

I hold them up and point to them. 

Then I put them into the lock…And I lock the door.

Then I gave her the finger and walked off.

I don’t hate the smell of flowers the way I used to.

In fact I’d have to say I find them a little sweet now.

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