On The Fourth Day

All  Major Side Affects Should Wear Off 

 

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On the fourth day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Four calling birds, 
Three French hens, 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree.

One Christmas, I’m not sure how it happened, but I ended up with my 3 Nieces in the back of my Jeep ( and NO they were not in the trunk- Jeeps don’t have trunks ) and we were going to THE MALL to see Santa.

There are so many things wrong with that picture- but I was feeling all Holiday-ish and the girls are funny in a Grateful Dead Fan on heavy meds way so I agreed and off we went.

When we got to THE MALL there was a sort of line and my nieces who were 9, 4, and 6 were pretty quiet for once- which sort of had me worried off the bat because every once and awhile I’d see them looking at each other and winking when they thought I wasn’t I wasn’t paying attention.

Little did they know- I always know when fresh Hell is being unearthed.

It’s in my nature.

So it starts the minute we get our turn to take pictures with Santa.

The girls get posed and the youngest  is on Santa’s lap and my Oldest Niece says, ‘ Tia, where’s baby Joe? “

So right away I see a bunch of people start looking around for ‘ Baby Joe’ and the Hell Raiser Alert light in my head starts to flash off and on.

For reasons yet to be understood my youngest son had nicknamed my cat ” Baby Joe ” and the girls had never liked that name so when I see them pass ‘the look’ to each other my Hell Raiser Alert goes on Full Alert Mode and my other Niece says, ” She locked him in the laundry room because he tried to steal food off of the counter again.”

” Tia, ” my oldest Niece says ” why won’t you let Baby Joe eat? “

” Cut it out ” I hiss- I mean it I HISSED because right there in front of Santa and his Elves my Nieces were doing something to me that their own Mother ( my youngest Sister ) had been afraid to do for her entire life

They were messing with my head.

Anyway, Santa and his Elves and a few Parents look like they’re going to make a mad run for Child Protective Services- which is conveniently located across the street from THE MALL.

” There is no Baby Joe ” I tell an Elf who is convinced I’m a liar but she goes to the camera anyway and sets up the shot.

The girls smile ( apparently through their pain and concern for ‘Baby Joe’), they get their pictures taken and wouldn’t you know it one of the Elves leans over and hands my oldest niece a candy cane for ” Baby Joe”.

” Oh for God Sakes. ” I start walking away and the girls are running after me and they’re snickering and giggling and every once and awhile they’d snort ‘ Baby Joe ‘.

When we got to my Jeep they’re looking very pleased with themselves and I’m trying to figure out which of my relatives put them up to this stunt when this guy- desperate to get into my parking space- tries to pull in before I’m backed all the way out-

and my Nieces are in the back- and when I turned I could see the headlights stop inches- inches away from the door my oldest Niece is sitting next to.

Well before I can get out of my car to tell this guy about my fully developed plans for his impending death he’s at my window in a panic asking if anyone is hurt, he’s sorry etc etc and then he shuts up and backs up and almost slips and falls and I’m thinking he’s drunk.

And I turn around and look into my backseat and my Nieces are doing something that I had spent countless hours teaching them-

they’ve pulled their eyelids up and rolled their eyes up so that only the whites were showing-

and they’re drooling.

My throat tightens up and I bury my face in my steering wheel.

And wouldn’t you know it- that  Christmas morning Santa brought the girls exactly what they asked for that day at THE MALL.

He even brought something for Baby Joe.

 

Only 9 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.

 

 

 

 

I.B. Letter To Santa

 

Dear Santa,

You know that line ” What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas ” ?

It’s a lie.

I’ll FAX my Christmas list to you

xoxoxox

Anita Marie

On The Third Day

We Toss Out The Left Overs 

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On the third day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Three French hens, 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree.

 

A few years ago my bus got caught in a snow storm and the going was slow.

S-L-O-W

So me and my friends told jokes, we told stories, we ate the Christmas Candy and food some of us had brought home from work parties that day.

Somebody busted into the wine bottle I had in my backpack (a gift from an oh-so generous Secret Santa) and someone else made a game out of the five of us drinking it without the other passengers catching on.

Oh Sure.

Nobody did.

Anyway.

Seeing that the other passengers were nervous about being stranded on the freeway and were openly worried about having to walk home or other such real and uncomfortable options me and my friends decided to cheer everybody up by telling stories at the top of our lungs

– about –

THAT TIME WE GOT STUCK ON THE BUS

The worst time was when there was a shooting, the gunman was loose on I-5 or was near it ( I forget the particulars ) so law enforcement shut the freeway down.

It was warm that day.

One of my bus friends decided after an hour or so to start talking about lakes and oceans and water fountains and Italian Sodas.

By the time he was done- (we remembered with hysterics) half the bus had to go to the bathroom, and we bet that the other half would have drank it.

AND THEN THERE WAS THAT OTHER TIME

The bus broke down and they promised that another bus was going to stop and get us…of course it didn’t and we watched it speed on by- but hurray! There was a  second bus that came right up behind it about 15 minutes later and we thought it was going to pull in front of us so we could all get on.

Instead it stopped right along side of our bus.

I could see what was happening.

My brain locked.

” No.” I started to pound on the window like that kid in the horror film” Audrey Rose ” and I start yelling over and over ” No! For the love of God No!”

What is it? Everyone is asking me.

” It’s broken down…our rescue bus is BROKEN DOWN!”

AND WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME

We were stuck on the freeway because the Driver had called in and requested that someone come out and put chains on the bus because when the pavement is black and twinkling and big fluffy flakes are starting to fall, it’s safe to say that unless you’re a Polar Bear you probably shouldn’t  be out there driving around without a little traction.

 So thinking that no one was really listening except for my usual bus pals I told the story about that time me my friends and sneaked into this graveyard and built a massive snow fort  and snow-people all around the grounds and how we even decorated one of the trees and how we later called the Funeral Home and blamed the entire mess on the college students who thought it was cool to hold seances and burn black candles on the headstones and things like that.

” Wow, you and your friends were evil little kids ” someone told me

and I said

” You know, like we did that two weeks ago. “

Ho Ho Ho

Only 10 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.

 

On The Second Day

When birds of the feather flock  together

one of them always winds up flying into a window

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On the second day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree.
 

 

 When I was about 11 I bought a pure bred Alaskan Malamute puppy for 75.00. He had a lightening bolt mark on the top of his head and the first trick I ever taught him was ” Kissie Face “

I named him Sham, for the horse in the book ” The King of The Wind “. Sham also means ” Sun ” and I thought that was pretty funny. My Dad and his cousin tried to get me to name him Buck or Bear or something snow dog related.

” He’s not a snow dog ” I told them, ” he’s my precious little baby.”

Look- it made me sick to just say those words, I can only imagine what my Dad and his Cousin thought.

Back to the story-

I taught Sham important commands like sit and stay  and leave it ( which were pretty important considering how big he seemed to get everyday )

Only I taught him those commands in every language except English.

At that point my Dad was convinced me AND the dog deserved each other and he I’m not sure but sometimes I’d hear my Dad yelling in French for Sham to stop barking.

Me and Sham grew up together and he died just after I turned 22.

And then one night, on a lark I went to the Humane Society and there in the first kennel was a Siberian Husky….I turned to the chart on the wall across from the cage and started to read about this dog when the cage door flew open and hit me on the back.

I turned around and the dog….Mr. Innocent was sitting at the back of the kennel.

Wagging his tail.

I closed the gate and it happened again.

I grabbed the chart off the wall and to the dog that had one blue eye and one brown eye and a smile and said ” fine, I get it already, let’s go home”.

I found out two little things at the adoption desk- my new dog was named BUCK and that night was going to be his last night on this earth.

I took him to my parent’s house and introduced them to Buck ( boy did Dad’s eyes light up)- until I said I’d changed his name to Tristan.

” Where the heck did that name come from? ” My Dad said with this little vein pounding in his forehead… to let you know it’s  the one that practically popped ( so he told me ) everytime I opened my mouth.

Tristan Farnon I said, from ” All Creatures Great and Small ”  Which was one of my favorite TV Shows. And then I pointed out that Tristan and the actor who played him were both British and my Dad asked me if I had something against Alaska and it’s dogs why not adopt a nice poodle or something?

Ha Ha Dad.

Anyway a week later it was Christmas and my Mom who is not really sentimental about pets set aside the poultry for the Cats  and a bunch of scraps … and I’m talking enough table scraps to feed a dog the size of a horse…which is pretty much what Sham was.

And then from the living room I heard her call for Tristan and she said Merry Christmas and I heard her give him his food.

Just over ten minutes later my sister comes screaming out of the kitchen that Tris is dead ” and Lina killed him! “

( don’t ask me why but my sister calls our Mom Lina- it’s her name, in return my Mom calls Es ” Anita’s Sister ” )

So I run in the kitchen and Tris is face down in the roasting pan that we used to give Sham his ” holiday dinner ” 

Sham could put that amount of food away in about 15 minutes and  I figure that Tris put away about half of what was in that pan in about the same amount of time before he passed out.

I pried his jaws open and he took a breath, belched and went back to sleep.

I asked my Mom what was she thinking giving Tris the same amount of food as Sham and she said, ” Well they’re both dogs aren’t they? “

It’s a good thing my Mom doesn’t drink.

It’s a blessing really.

Oh.

Happy Holidays.

Only 11 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.

 

Hey Google! Yeah YOU!

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 Google is trying to make one of my favorite Bloggers disappear.

Check it out: Stupidtom All Around

And remember…he maybe one of many

but he’s the best.

amm

Pluto is deported I mean DEMOTED

 

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( illegal alien guy )

I don’t care what anybody says….this can only be the work of Homeland Security.

It seems like something they’d be involved in.

Doesn’t it?

brought to you by the Ultimate Illegal Alien…

in cooperation with

the I.B. Staff

 

Pluto Demoted: No Longer a Planet in Highly Controversial Definition
By Robert Roy Britt
Senior Science Writer
posted: 24 August 2006
09:35 am ET

.Capping years of intense debate, astronomers resolved today to demote Plutoin a wholesale redefinition of planethood that is being billed as a victory of scientific reasoning over historic and cultural influences. But already the decision is being hotly debated.Officially, Pluto is no longer a planet. “Pluto is dead,” said Caltech researcher Mike Brown, who spoke with reporters via a teleconference while monitoring the vote. The decision also means a Pluto-sized object that Brown discovered will not be called a planet.“Pluto is not a planet,” Brown said. “There are finally, officially, eight planets in the solar system.”The vote involved just 424 astronomers who remained for the last day of a meeting of the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Prague.“I’m embarassed for astornomy,” said Alan Stern, leader of NASA’s New Horizon’s mission to Pluto and a scientist at the Southwest Research Institute. “Less than 5 percent of the world’s astronomers voted.”“This definition stinks, for technical reasons,” Stern told SPACE.com. He expects the astronomy community to overturn the decision. Other astronomers criticized the definition as ambiguous.

The resolution

The decision establishes three main categories of objects in our solar system.

  • Planets: The eight worlds from Mercury to Neptune.
  • Dwarf Planets: Pluto and any other round object that “has not cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, and is not a satellite.”
  • Small Solar System Bodies: All other objects orbiting the Sun.

Pluto and its moon Charon, which would both have been planets under the initial definition proposed Aug. 16, now get demoted because they are part of a sea of other objects that occupy the same region of space. Earth and the other eight large planets have, on the other hand, cleared broad swaths of space of any other large objects.

“Pluto is a dwarf planet by the … definition and is recognized as the prototype of a new category of trans-Neptunian objects,” states the approved resolution.

BLOG
Pluto’s Demotion is Well Deserved and Long Overdue

Dwarf planets are not planets under the definition, however.

“There will be hundreds of dwarf planets,” Brown predicted. He has already found dozens that fit the category.

Contentious logic

The vote came after eight days of contentious debate that involved four separate proposals at the group’s meeting in Prague.

The initial proposal, hammered out by a group of seven astronomers, historians and authors, attempted to preserve Pluto as a planet but was widely criticized for diluting the meaning of the word. It would also have made planets out of the asteroid Ceres and Pluto’s moon Charon. But not now.

“Ceres is a dwarf planet. it’s the only dwarf planet in the asteroid belt,” Brown said. “Charon is a satellite.”

The category of “dwarf planet” is expected to include dozens of round objects already discovered beyond Neptune. Ultimately, hundreds will probably be found, astronomers say.

The word “planet” originally described wanderers of the sky that moved against the relatively fixed background of star. Pluto, discovered in 1930, was at first thought to be larger than it is. It has an eccentric orbit that crosses the path of Neptune and also takes it well above and below the main plane of the solar system.

Recent discoveries of other round, icy object in Pluto’s realm have led most astronomers to agree that the diminutive world should never have been termed a planet.

‘A farce’

Stern, in charge of the robotic probe on its way to Pluto, said the language of the resolution is flawed. It requires that a planet “has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.” But Earth, Mars, Jupiter and Neptune all have asteroids as neighbors.

“It’s patently clear that Earth’s zone is not cleared,” Stern told SPACE.com. “Jupiter has 50,000 trojan asteroids,” which orbit in lockstep with the planet.

Stern called it “absurd” that only 424 astronomers were allowed to vote, out of some 10,000 professional astronomers around the globe.

“It won’t stand,” he said. “It’s a farce.”

Stern said astronomers are already circulating a petition that would try to overturn the IAU decision.

Owen Gingerich, historian and astronomer emeritus at Harvard who led the committee that proposed the initial definition, called the new definition “confusing and unfortunate” and said he was “not at all pleased” with the language about clearing the neighborhood.

Gingerich also did not like the term “dwarf” planet.

“I thought that it made a curious linguistic contradiction,” Gingerich said in a telephone interview from Boston (where he could not vote). “A dwarf planet is not a planet. I thought that was very awkward.”

Gingerich added: “In the future one would hope the IAU could do electronic balloting.”

Years of debate

Astronomers have argued since the late 1990s, however, on whether to demote Pluto. Public support for Pluto has weighed heavily on the debate. Today’s vote comes after a two-year effort by the IAU to develop a definition. An initial committee of astronomers failed for a year to do so, leading to the formation of the second committee whose proposed definition was then redefined for today’s vote.

Astronomers at the IAU meeting debated the proposals right up to the moment of the vote.

Caltech’s Mike Brown loses out in one sense. The Pluto-sized object his team found, called 2003 UB313, will now be termed a dwarf planet.

“As of today I have no longer discovered a planet,” he said. But Brown called the result scientifically a good decision.

“The public is not going to be excited by the fact that Pluto has been kicked out,” Brown said. “But it’s the right thing to do.”

Textbooks will of course have to be rewritten.

“For astronomers this doesn’t matter one bit. We’ll go out and do exactly what we did,” Brown said. “For teaching this is a very interesting moment. I think you can describe science much better now” by explaining why Pluto was once thought to be a planet and why it isn’t now. “I’m actually very excited.”

The Debate at the IAU Meeting

Defining Moments: The Saga’s History

Plus You Get Pizza

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sometimes I find stuff on the net that i just have to share with the world

these are a few of those things

enjoy!

FBI Agents Ordering Pizza
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent:

Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man:

And where would you like them delivered?

 

Agent:

We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

 

PM:

The psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent:

That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

PM:

You’re an FBI agent?

 

Agent:

That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

 

PM:

And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent:

That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

 

PM:

And you say you’re all FBI agents?

 

Agent:

That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

 

PM:

And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

 

Agent:

That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

 

PM:

How are you going to pay for all of this?

 

Agent:

I have my checkbook right here.

 

PM:

And you’re all FBI agents?

 

Agent:

That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

 

Pizza Man:

I don’t think so.

 Click.

Reason #12 Why Gambling is Bad

 

When I was 18 I bought a lottery ticket.

It cost 1.00

I lost and I swore I’d never gamble again.

And then I broke my rule-

I made a bet with my friend- and I shouldn’t have because he always wins.

He always wins because

HE CHEATS

Anyway.

Bets a Bet.

Here’s some David Tennant Stuff.

Don’t tell Bruce

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Thank You Baby Jesus

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It was a rough commute to work this morning- road rage people are worse on Fridays because there aren’t as many people for them to attempt to kill on the weekends I guess.

So what could cheer me up after almost being murdered in a crosswalk by a Lexus?

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I got to work and found out Kangaroo Farts could save the world.

Australian scientists are trying to give kangaroo-style stomachs to cattle and sheep in a bid to cut the emission of greenhouse gases blamed for global warming, researchers say(AFP/File) 

Thank You Baby Jesus- I needed the laugh.