Thoughts

I Went To Sin City and All I Brought Back Was a Keychain

/ Anita Marie / 7 Comments

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I was going to ask my Mom to write me a note to God to have me excused from Sunday Prayers.

But then I thought, I’ve got a bone to pick with you Hoss, so let’s do this.

 

Jesus Christ, I spent three days and two nights in Las Vegas Nevada and I’m not sure who said it was this wild place but they need to be fired.

First of all, I don’t know how wild Professional Bingo players get, but let me paint you a picture…they DON’T.

There were old people and young people and people with their kids. I only saw two people that looked like genuine lounge lizards- they were wearing bright yellow and blue suits and sprayed on tans- and it turned out they were doing an act.

I know because I asked.

I asked the guy where I could find the gambling guys like the ones I’ve seen on TV and one guy said ” in some Hollyweird Fancy Boy’s Dreams “

har, har.

I sat around a few of Wedding Chapel places and watched people get married, which was fun, I asked my husband if we could renew our vows he agreed.

When I said I wanted to find an Elvis impersonator to do the honors he disappeared for the rest of the afternoon.

Humph.

That’s okay though…cause I ordered room service and sat around my room and ordered movies that I didn’t like and put it all on his credit card.

I only spent sixty dollars.

Can you imagine Lord what I could have done if I’d REALLY been mad?

So that was my big Vegas Trip and God here’s a heads-up: I’m planning a vacation to see some mummies and if it turns out those are fake too me and you are going to have issues

Big Ones.

Later.

I mean, see you next Sunday and AMEN.

 

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Why Do Stupid People Have Tongues?

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

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Hi.

The I.B. Manager ( that’s Anita ) is in her backyard playing kickball with Jesus.

At least that’s what I think she’s doing…I mean, she’s kicking a basketball against the side of her house and mumbling, ” Jesus Christ ” over and over again- so I’m going to do a ” Sux Report ” because she’s not paying attention to her writing at the moment.

Okay here it goes:

When a latte liberal tells you she’s been on ” Diversity things…you know like committees since the 60’s and NONE of them ever worked so what’s the point in helping THOSE PEOPLE when it’s obvious they’re just not into it”

AND the Latte Liberal is white and she’s imparting this opinion to about five people who are NOT white

You can’t help but to wonder why Stupid People Have Tongues

because everytime they open their mouths to talk

you realize

 that SUXS.

Is Googling The Bible A Sin?

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

 

You’re testing me God…I know you are. Like you want to see how fair and compassionate and forgiving and all Churchy with my fellow human beings I’ve been.

I’ll confess straight up.

I’m going to lose, but what the Hell…you gotta forgive me for blowing it because it’s in the rules. Okay, I didn’t learn the rules in Sunday School, I googled  them.

So there.

Hey as an FYI is Googling The Bible A Sin?

Oh, at this stage of them game who cares.

Let’s get started, shall we?

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Dear God

This week was chock-full-o nuts and I managed to crunch into every single one on the tooth that I chipped back in 1985 when that drunk lady hit my car.

First up you threw the racists right at me as I was cruising down the highway of life.

 So you ask did I forgive and move on?

Well…come on you know I didn’t.

There was this Anti-Mexican Group that protested in Seattle because they think that Mexico wants to invade the United States and Canada and that from there they plan on taking over the world.

Of course there was a Counter Protest and in the course of events-

Beer Cans and Water Balloons were thrown by Counter Protestors.

I don’t know which set me off the water balloons or beer cans.

Like were the balloons full of beer

or not?

Just curious.

I mean either or, the result was very chuckleicious.

And then of course I must’ve taken your name in vain about a million times in ten seconds after hearing that  this bridge here in Washington collapsed as a flatbed truck carrying an excavator drove across it.

I know it was like a sign from you. But the thing is I’m not sure what the sign meant.

I’m willing to chalk that one up to one of those God Mysteries and walk away from it.

And I know how amused you are by the local stuff from the County I live in otherwise weird stuff like this wouldn’t keep happening:

Like there was a LONNGGGG newspaper story about what it’s like to work in McDonalds.

Here it is in short form:

In the Service Industry you get treated like a Servant.

That sucks.

End of story.

They must pay per word at the Herald.

Mountlake Terrace made it into Wikipedia. You did that right? I mean, who the Hell else would pull a stunt like that? Oh wait….yeah that figures.

So there it is God, at every turn I had a chance to float above it all and make you proud. Instead, I sprayed Pam on the my sled and shot my way straight down every single slope you put me on top of.

It was darn fine ride.

At any rate I want to see how you top this week.

You have your work cut out for you, but I guess you know that.

So that’s it for now

See you next Sunday and…… 

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Amen 

 

 

You Did Not Say That!

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

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I’ve kept a list of the questions that I’ve gotten into trouble for

asking

I thought I’d post them because today

was way to quiet

and

after the week I’ve had

I’m sort of missing the Legions of Hell snapping at my backside so….

! HERE THEY ARE !

What does it feel like to be a conjoined twin?

If your eye pops does it ooze out onto your face

or into your brain?

When a cannibal gets something stuck

in their teeth do they eat it

or spit it out?

Does a human kidney taste the same as a sheep’s kidney?

If you see a plunger at sewage treatment plant

should you be worried?

So

there they are…the little questions that have kept me out of the

better social circles.

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God IS Funny

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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Well Hello There!

You came by to go to Church with Anita?

Anita The I.B. Writer?

Are you kidding?

I thought she was banned…oh she prays on line.

I get it.

Well she’s not here,

Look, she left a note- you want to read it?

Yeah, she wrote it on the wall in purple crayon…she’s been in a mood this week.

Right…I know, I know it says ” God ” but she’s been looking at everyone and saying, ” God ” or ” Jesus Christ “- so you know I’m sure it’s okay.

 

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Dear God

I thought you might be dropping by for a Chat.

To be honest I haven’t even thought about

what made this long freaking week you cursed me with

a good one.

I know that I’m good for a laugh now and then God

but for once,

 I’d like somebody else to be the butt of your jokes.

Oh wait….you know…I guess you DID have some fun

with someone else…

like with these guys:

Rescuers head for stranded and disoriented deputies

By KOMO Staff

SKAMANIA COUNTY, Wash. — Seven of the ten county sheriff’s deputies who spent Saturday night stranded on Dog Mountain has been successfully rescued, according to the Skamania County Sheriff’s Office.

The men had become stranded on the rugged gorge terrain after becoming disoriented while pulling thousands of marijuana plants from a grow on the east side of Dog Creek, 10 miles east of Stevenson, Undersheriff David Cox said.

 

And really God did you think it was funny when that guy in Prosser got bit by the rattlesnake after he chopped it’s head off?

I mean, that’s just warped.

And then this guy says, “It still gives me the creeps to think that son-of-a-gun could do that,” he said.

I didn’t laugh at that God, but I’ll bet you did.

And then there was this story in our Local Paper

where the burning question was

” Should Your Spouse Go (to your highschool) Reunions “

and really God

the obvious answer is

“Only if they don’t want you to be going to their Funeral

in the upcoming weeks.”

Funny God

Har, Har, Har.

Okay God…it’s true Prayer is good for the Soul

I just figured out you didn’t spend all week picking on me.

So you might want to check your toothpaste God.

SOMEBODY may have replaced it with a tube of  hemroid cream

SORRY

I mean

See you next Sunday

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( if I don’t get turned into a pillar of salt before then )

AND

Amen

 

 

 

 

Reality Blows Along Lake Union

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

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Over the weekend there was this big secret event being staged at a public park ( which wasn’t going to be a Public Park for this event ) in Seattle, Washington and it was the talk of the town.

What was the secret?

A Wedding Party

A big Wedding Party for a big businessman and may he and his bride have a great life together but….

Geeze

A wedding party?

THAT WAS THE BIG FREAKING SECRET?

So to try and put some air back into that big wonderful mysterious balloon that floated over the Puget Sound over the weekend

I’ve decided to tell my own story about what happened at

Gasworks Park this weekend.

Enjoy:

 

From The Dark Waters of Lake Union

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 they arrived at the abandoned park  just before sundown

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members of the  Wedding Party

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and their Guests

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who were followed in by the Bride and Groom

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You wish them well…DON’T YOU?

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Wouldn’t that have been a story to have read about? I think so.

Oh well.

Maybe next time…..

Irregular Notes From An Irregular Mind

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

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I have a great collection of post it notes that I keep in my journal (it’s made of paper and I actually WRITE in it). Some of them are funny, some are warped, and some could get me sued so I thought I’d share them here.

amm

To be attached to a flaming arrow and air mailed to that guy:

Your dog doesn’t hate black people, you do. Quit saying that.

 I mean it.

However, my Cat DOES hates you and if you keep trying to pet him he’s going to chew your fingers off and then how will you be able to give the finger to that nice Mexican family that everyone likes except for you?

Think about it

Notes to my friends:

YES YES YES the story about the woman who committed suicide around Halloween of 2005 by hanging herself at the side of the road and was mistaken for a Halloween decoration is true.

Stop asking me if when I die I want to be mistaken for a Halloween Decoration too- you warped little monkeys.

You all better hope there really is nothing to the art of Zombification because I have a candidate list all drawn up and here it is….

Ha.

As if.

In regards to my hometown:

It’s true, if you google Mountlake Terrace and look through the pictures of my fair town you’ll find this picture mixed in with pictures of churches and trees and houses for sale and a baby in a flowerbed.

Figures.

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                             Parasitic Mite on Earwig Pincher –

Next Up…I’ll do a post about the calls that get left on my answering machine.

You’re going to love it.

amm

Sigh No More

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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I know this person who has lied and deceived, mislead and shamelessy used people to get what they wanted.

  They chased good people away from important casues because they didn’t want to be moved from the spotlight.  

Today I found out this person is dieing.  

 The problem is, this person has lied about their illness before so that they could get what they wanted.

No kidding.  

 I’m not sure how to feel, or how to act.

 I guess

 I’ll have to wait and see if and when the funeral is going to be held.

   I won’t be going to it though.  

 Right now I know exactly what the expression

 ” Lower then a snake’s belly “

means

 because that’s how I feel right now.

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Biting The Dog

/ Anita Marie / 15 Comments

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I have this rule about Fridays- I don’t take any crud with me from the week into the weekend or the bright shiny new week that starts on Monday.

Except for this time.

There were little things and big things that were done to my friends and family that- you know -I do believe I’ll deal with.

What changed you may be wondering.

I can’t ignore the fact that there are some things that people say or do 

that have to be answered for and accounted for.

So why I have made an exception

this time?

Because now I’m a writer with BIG imagination.

See Ya.

amm

Tribute To A Cunning Man

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

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“Nothing doth more hurt in a state than that cunning men pass for wise.”
Francis Bacon

 

He sits at our meetings and pretends to be your friend

He’ s very good at it-

He looks like a kindly, indulgent wise old Grandfather.

 He’ll let you talk and talk and talk and he will hang on every word you say.

And then one day he’ll take your confidences and

Sell them to the lowest bidder.

He’s hurt and betrayed and discouraged good people

From doing good work.

For Sport.

What else could it be?

The thing of it is, I had one of those Kindly Old Grandfathers

Who was

Wise and Patient and Kind

And this man who sits against a wall and pretends

To be like him

Offends me.

Now as we are about to cross paths again

All I can say is:

You deserve me Sir.