Thoughts

Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

/ Anita Marie / 17 Comments

exorcist.jpg 

When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

image2.jpg

I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

aptalien.jpg

I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

image2.jpg

Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

image2.jpg

I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

5977.jpg

 

And a Happy Friday To You Too!

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

1169988171-11687214098641.jpg

The I.B. Staff (that’s me, Anita) has received genuine hate mail and even a  heartfelt wish that I meet a messy end on the bumper of a garbage truck because I wrote  the following posts:

I wrote a story about a Fortune Teller who didn’t see her own death coming-

( you haven’t lived until somebody named after a goddess and plant threatens to curse your life force to ‘ tormints beyond  imagenation’

I wrote a story about the Queen of Hawaii being forced to give up her throne

( I was invited to leave the States and go back to wherever it was a “ emagratid from ”

And I dared to call JK Rowling an Author.

( I was informed she doesn’t understand the  ” craft ” and the ” writer’s expirience “

…oh and I suck too.)

All I can say is…

Spell Check People!

!Use Spell Check!

this has been an I.B. Public Service Announcement

bruce41.jpg

 

Beware The Low Flying Monkeys

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

( Okay, I’ll explain, Low Flying Monkeys is a phrase I used  years ago. Instead of telling people good bye or good luck I’d look them in the eye and say with genuine feeling “Beware The Low Flying Monkeys” 

 It just seemed like good advice to give someone as they hit the road-o-life)

101dal3.jpg

It’s been one of those days…one of those days where I’m being tested.

Don’t know if it’s by the Big Boss Upstairs or the Other Boss Downstairs but I’m being tested and until I figure this out- well, let’s just say I won’t be shooting fate in the eye with any spitballs.

I found out today that a few months ago my Uncle had a heart attack.

In a Casino.

While he was gambling.

And somebody along the way assured him it was going to be okay because ‘the best hospital in town is located right by the Casinos- because you know, this sort of thing happens a lot.’

Do I laugh or cry?

That is the question.

And until I figure it out I do believe I’ll lay low.

Well, you know for a few hours anyway.

amm

cat-silhouette-1.jpg

A Nice Place To Visit

/ Anita Marie / 16 Comments

vie10im03_237x3151.jpg

When I was a kid, I lived on a neat street.

The kids were neat and the parents were neat and all the kids were in Scout Troops or took swimming lessons at the pool.

They all went on camping trips and had barbeques during the summer and during the winter they all went skiing.

Except for me, of course.

When we first moved to this neat street my parents used to try and force me to play with the neighbor kids and I wouldn’t- I said they were Zombies and that I was pretty sure they’d eaten the last kid who lived in our house.

I remember the way my Dad looked at me the first time I said that. He just shook his head and I’m not sure but I think it was weeks before he said another word to me.

I was nine at the time- so I could be off on that by a bit. 

The problem was I wasn’t a neat kid, I was that weird little kid that didn’t have any friends and never got invited to parties and I got kicked out of Blue Birds because I forgot to bring the treats when it was my turn to do treat day.

Actually the Blue Bird Leader’s daughter kicked me out- I didn’t care because they never got treats that day-, which still makes me laugh when I think about it.

I may have been a weird kid, but I wasn’t a dumb kid and I made it a point to never be with any of these kids alone- or with their parents who smiled too much.

In fact, I used to have nightmares about those kids and their parents and in my dreams they were running me down with their station wagons.I still have those dreams.

Over the years I ran into some of these kids- I drove one to their final resting place in a hearse, a friend of mine arrested one for molesting his children and another is in prison for killing her stepson.

After I kept hearing these stories I decided to take a drive down that Neat Street.

I saw the Neat Parents- they were puttering around their lawns or checking their mail or talking to their neighbors (just like the old days, it’s true some things never change) and I was horrified at how they all looked so worn out and old and tired and I realized those weren’t the Neat Parents-

I was looking at the Neat Kids. 

I slammed my brakes on and pulled visor down and looked in my vanity mirror and checked my face. I don’t know what I was looking for, but it was awhile before I felt calm enough to drive away.

I could hear myself, that nine year old Anita say, “ Told you, they’re Zombies. Now let’s go home.”

And that’s exactly what I did.

I’m Telling!

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

vie13022.jpg

It’s Sunday, this is the day Good People go to Church and talk to God.

I’m not a ” Good People ” so I have to talk to God from my house. This is a good thing in case he gets it in his head to throw a few lightning bolts around when I start talking- at least nobody else will get hurt ( oh sure…like none of you have ever kissed some backside to get ahead ) except for me.

And right now I’m on my way to Hell on the express train so pardon me while I make right with God:

Hi God

I don’t know if you were serious when you put this stuff in your ‘grand plan’ but I figure either the world is about to end or you’re hitting the bottle ( again )

 Zsa Zsa’s Husband was found naked in a car, God it hurts my brain to think of this guy I have to let that one go…and that actress who blamed ” That Black Kid ”  for getting into trouble with the police- she a total flake God and if you could turn her into a pillar of salt I’d be ever so grateful- as would be the rest of the world. 

Oh and this: 

SEATTLE (AP) – In an interview early this year, Pierce County Prosecutor Gerry Horne called Washington state’s death penalty law a “farce” and suggested it is so ineffective that the Legislature should consider getting rid of it. (story here)

This is the definition of a farce: A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.

I don’t think lethal injections or hanging is a farce- I find a lot of things funny but Capital Punishment isn’t one of them.

Ha, that one shorted out your brain too, didn’t it?

I love Science- and when I was a kid I wanted to pilot a space ship. Now I wished I’d stuck with that God because did you know that there’s something called the ” Bottle To Throttle ” Rule at NASA?

No Kidding…in fact it gets even stranger:

Someone working for NASA sabatoged a computer. A Shuttle Astronaut was accused of trying to off a romantic rival and this guy named Himmel, (who retired in 1981 as associate director for what is now Glenn Research Center in Cleveland) said, ” “There’s no perfect system.” ( in regards to Policy at NASA )

I don’t know about you God, but hearing that made me think of the time I rode a roller coaster and my safety belt snapped open and wouldn’t lock- remember that?

It was mid way through the ride and I had to tie my belt closed.

Anyway I’d have tried like hell to get a job with NASA just so I could have front row seats to that freak show.

Well God, as you can see it’s a weird world you made, but it’s funny so I’ll give you points for that.

And if you could help me score another one of those great Egg Rolls like the one I had last year- I’d be a really good person for the rest of my life.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Jesus, I did it wrong again..

I MEAN

See you next Sunday

No- that’s not right either.

 How do you end this thing?

Oh yeah….here we go:

AMEN.

101dal3.jpg

This Morning’s PSA

/ Anita Marie / 10 Comments

chucky.jpg

Well Hello There!

Your regular PSA Announcer

is

hiding

I mean

powdering his nose

So I’m going to do today’s PSA

These are blogs that

the I.B Staff

( that’s Anita and that Old Spice Guy ) 

recommend

you visit

If anything, after seeing how erratic

the Staff’s reading taste is

I’m going to look like the Sane One around here

so I’m sure you’ll be seeing lots more of me.

this was your PSA

from

Doll Guy With The Big Knife

Because I Said So

Charlie’s House

Into The Blue

Ke Cute

Man About The House

Mister Peace

Tales From The Naughty Step

Say It Like You Mean It

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. 

Benjamin Disraeli

m06c10ia.gif

 

I was power washing homeless person vomit from off my loading dock today when from out of nowhere I remember this news story about a person who just won the lottery and they said,

” It’s not going to change me, I’m not giving up my job. ”

Man, why apologize for winning? And what is it with this humble thing? You didn’t win the lottery because you’re a good person. You just happened to get the right number or the right ticket and it doesn’t care who you were before you pulled it.Heaven knows I don’t either. Besides if I had won that drawing I’d look like the least deserving person on the face of the planet to win anything.

I wouldn’t be able to help myself.

So as I’m washing the vomit away I figure I might as well hose the pigeon yack from the railing while I’m at it.

And then as the water splashed up from the ground  into my face I thought to myself  “Oh sure, if I won the lottery I’d want to keep the vomit and my ugly face too. I live for getting the short end of the ‘stick o-life’ jabbed in my eye every darned day. Ooooo, I wouldn’t want to part with any of that!

But I’m honest; I’d look into the camera and say after the reporter asks the question (I would of course be wearing my celebratory Deely Boppers with the little shrunken heads on the tops) and I’d say with sincerity:

“I won’t be in to work because I intend to be on the first plane to California in the morning just in time for that guy who has a TV show about Plastic Surgery to open his office. Count on it, a month from now I fully intend be a brand new Anita who doesn’t have to hose vomit and bird poop from off of a loading dock anymore.

As to my future plans I’m going to be visiting places like Roswell, The Pez Museum and I’m going to Nevada to hang out near Area 51 and get sunburn. At some point in there I’m going to buy about a dozen of those bat house kits and nail them up all over my yard- just to drive my neighbor nuts. If he were smart he’d sell me his house before I get the Honey Bee Farm delivered.

Why?

He hates my cat…anyway-

My life won’t be about enrichment, it’s going to be all about living- which in case you haven’t noticed

YOU CAN’T DO IF YOU’RE WORKING IN A PLACE WHERE YOU NEVER SEE THE DAMNED SUN AND YOU HAVE TO HOSE VOMIT FROM THE STEPS OR YOU COULD SLIP IN THE SLIME AND BREAK YOUR NECK!”

Then I’d laugh, kiss the camera and do the Hula.

And I wouldn’t stop carrying on until they put me down with a tranqualizer dart.

Count on it.

101dal2.jpg

An Onion, A Frog and a Boat or…

/ Anita Marie / 7 Comments

It’s the Law Baby

Deal with it.

bruce4.jpg

this is a special report from the I.B. Staff

Our lawmakers here in Washington State have declared that we honor the following:

See this Onion?

wallawallaonion.jpg

It’s called a Walla Walla Sweet Onion.

Don’t mess with it.

It’s got friends in high places in the Washington State Government.

That’s more then I can say for myself and I pay taxes.

Plus I vote.

apl-bite.gif

Now take a good look at this little frog.

20051117095245.jpg

It’s called

A Pacific Chorus Frog.

It’s our official State Amphibian.

It’s only 5 centimeters long

the males are smaller then the females

and their toes are sticky.

Round these parts we call our friend

The Honorable

Pseudacris Regilla

Don’t laugh.

A Paper in Oregon thought what we did was Cool.

God.

apl-bite.gif

And this is our Official State Ship

ladywashington-1.jpg

The Lady Washington

Actually, this is a good one.

She’s been in the movies

she’s a celebrity

and she’s never forgotten to wear her underwear

We’re proud of her round the old Puget Sound.

Darn Proud.

apl-bite.gif

Sup God?

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

It’s Sunday.

This is the day I check in with God and tell him about my week.

I’d do it at Church, but I’m banned. I figured that out after I noticed that when I show up there’s like 20 guys who look like Father Merrin lining the walk up to the doors so- I get the hint already.

 

2005693959854649943_rs1.jpg

Dear God,

It’s been a long week.

It’s had it’s moments though.

Here was the biggest news story to come out of Mountlake Terrace this week- two kids stole a car and set it on fire.

Our major local paper actually wrote a story about it.

And God, they put it on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.

I’m not sure what mortifies me more- kids who burn cars or newspapers that write detailed news reports about it.

I have an idea, if you could send an invasion force made up of Flying Monkeys to attack Mountlake Terrace our local paper could write about an issue that really does affect the people of Mountlake Terrace and all of us live this lame ‘news’ story down.

It’s just an idea.

God, I know you promised not to do the flooding thing again but if you could do one of those surgical strikes and wipe out any theatres showing Summer Sequels I’d be ever so grateful.

They’re making us pay to watch repeats God.

That’s so unfair.

Bruce Campbell says in this article ( here ) that Studios are creatively bankrupt.

He’s too kind.

They were never creative to begin with.

Now Almighty One, I like a good laugh now and then too, but that thing you did in Hoquiam.

It was out of control.

Let me refresh your memory.

All these people showed up in Hoquiam for the Senior Babe Ruth state baseball tournament and instead of the smell of peanuts and crackerjacks they got to huff something nasty from the Ocean Protein Fish Meal plant.

“But this odor has been so pervasive and it has a bit of the cooking smell, not just raw smell, that we believe something is escaping and not being treated well enough.”

Richard Stedman- Olympic Region Clean Air Agency

Something is ‘escaping’?

ESCAPING?

Excuse me while I go hide under my bed for the next 100 years.

Really.

See you next Sunday God.

I mean

Amen

explorer1.jpg