An I.B. Public Service Announcement

June 29, 2007June 29, 2007 / Anita Marie / Leave a comment

These were my top three stories on this blog for the month of June:

My Bruce Campbell Tribute– okay makes sense- the concensus around I.B. is that Bruce is Cool.

A story I wrote about me and how when I was a kid I planned to have pet wolves and fly spaceships when I grew up- okay that was amusing read, especially if you’ve been drinking.

And then there was this one.. Exploding Birds– guys explain that one to me… Exploding Birds.

Gee Whiz.

Here’s A Little Something

for

the few of you

who been enjoying yourselves

an awful lot

in the comment section

and

with those Exploding Birds

amm

A Universe In Five Minutes

June 28, 2007June 28, 2007 / Anita Marie / 6 Comments

Do you realize you can live a life time in Five Minutes?

Random thoughts are like that.

Here are a few of mine:

Once I went to a Funeral where there was a lot of snickering going on around me

and to this day I still don’t know what was so funny.

But I’ve spent time wondering about it.

Wouldn’t it be cool if Frankenstein was real?

I’ll bet he’d be a Plastic Surgeon.

I wonder what would happen if

he had a nervous breakdown one day at work?

I’m going to start a movement

I’m going to start a Movie Boycott

I’m going to tell people not

to go to the movies.

I’m going to tell them

to buy DVD’s instead.

USED

ones.

You should all be supporting Independant Films Anyway.

If I could choose the next

President Of The United States

I’d choose

Pinhead

from

the

Hellraiser Movies

Too Bad he’s not real.

I’d do it….I really would.

In Five Minutes I Built A Universe.

Awesome.

amm

Hey Anita, Have You Heard The One About…

June 27, 2007January 20, 2010 / Anita Marie / 24 Comments

I’m always getting links to stories that people think I will find ” amusing ” and sometimes people just write me and say, point blank, without the pretense of asking what I think about something they found on the net

” I’ve just heard something really weird Anita, is it true? “

Here are a few of those stories and questions and my answers

amm

POSSESSION AND EXORCISM

According to their objective this site is:

A web page that (could) offers itself as a meeting place for exorcists and which could present professional doctors with a place for discussion and information exchange about the theme.

They also go on to say :

If you believe you are suffering from some kind of extraordinary demonic phenomenon, you should get in touch with the bishop’s office of the diocese you belong to. They will put you in contact with the specialist in this matter for the diocese, or they will indicate the nearest specialist in a neighboring diocese.

So what do I think?

If you believe in an Immortal Soul and you think it’s in danger I don’t think I’d trust GOOGLE to help me find a way to protect it- that’s what I think.

Did Vikings Discover America before Columbus?

I call these stories The Redneck’s Wet Dream- look the Native Americans discovered America deal with it already. I don’t know why I keep getting these- maybe it’s because I’ve openly supported people who believe in UFO’s.

SOME people may think I’m a pushover for a good story.

But this Viking Vs Columbus story?

I’ve heard better.

Urban Legends–

I get a billion of these a month- mainly from people who want to know what the history is behind certain stories.

I get this one a lot- I figure it’s because I’m Filipina:

You shouldn’t Throw rice at weddings because when birds eat it it swells in their stomachs and causes hemorrhaging. This is why people started using birdseed instead.

Unless those birds have stomachs that are full of boiling water I’d say it’s safe for them to eat uncooked rice….jeeze you guys.

Use a little common sense sometimes-

NB DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND I HAVE PROVIDED THIS

CLICK HERE

EVIDENCE IN THE EXPLODING PIGEONS DEBATE

Is it true that after you die your hair and nails continue to grow?

The thing of it is when you die- and I mean the minute it happens -your body begins the process of decomposing.

So nothing is going to grow.

Sorry.

If I get a billion questions about Urban Legends then I must get a billion and one questions about ” Real Vampires “ .

As in, are they for real?

I think that some people really do believe they’re Vampires and if that’s the case I’m willing to accept that- but that entire mindset escapes me.

If I could choose to be any sort of ‘super being’ I’d want to be Iman.

So there you have it, these are the bits of reality

that people share with me

every single day.

Pretty nifty, isn’t it?

amm

Anchors and Irregular Bones

June 24, 2007October 15, 2007 / Anita Marie / 6 Comments

Anchors

The Anchors I’m writing about are the Anchors that help hold you in place when the forces of the world try to blow you around and away like so much garbage in the wind.

This is based on a writing exercise at the Soul Food Cafe – the train wrecks called ‘responses’ are mine.

PEZ – they’ve given my life meaning and purpose. Plus they were the only food I felt good about eating on the job. I worked in a Funeral Home. You’d have to have spent time working in an embalming room to understand.

One day it’s my dream to visit Area 51 and have my picture taken next to a bunch of inflatable aliens wearing sombreros. I want to wave around a fifth of Tequila and shout in Spanish, ” What do we want? The Truth! When Do We Want It? Now! ”

That way I can tick off Homeland Security and stick it to the Science Guys who suck the joy of wondering about the Universe straight out of our lungs.

I think it’ll be a rush- the same kind you get you drive up to a McDonalds and buy a Happy Meal For Kids so you can get the toy-and the thrill you get as you pull away because you know darn well you’re keeping that toy and the food for yourself.

It’ll feel just like that- I know it.

When I was about 9 I got sent to the library to do some ‘thinking time’. This kid named Jeff poured glue on my chair and when I realized he had gathered a small audience of jerks to watch me sit in that puddle of goo- in a new pair of cool purple bell bottoms to boot-I smacked him for it.

I got busted for ‘starting a fight’ I kid you not, the teacher said I had no reason to be mad because I hadn’t sat in the mess.

Anyway- there was a bright side two this- actually there were two.

The first was I felt really, really good when I popped the little bastard in the nose and the second good side was that the librarian made me sit in the corner where there was this stack of books a class had used for a project they had worked on about the Ancient Egyptians and Archeology.

With nothing else to do but gloat- which I did for part of the morning I spent the rest of the day reading.

On that day I learned that violence may not solve anything but it has it’s own rewards and that you can really learn things from books.

Before he was turned into a rock star I learned about King Tutankhamun and I also learned about a woman named Hatshepsut who, despite some serious effort on the ‘powers that be’ was not wiped from history.

A woman.

Cool.

I saved the Very Best for the Very Last.

My ” Monsters”.

They’ve made me less afraid, they’ve given me things to write about and their creators have inspired me to be more then the Anita I designed to be by doing hard time in the Suburbs with a bunch of narrow minded bigots on one side of me and scads of Latte Liberals on the other.

See, when things started to feel a little shaky and I was feeling like that maybe this time I wasn’t going to be able to hang on- you know I was forgetting who I was and what I was about- I had my anchors…Aliens, Pez Candy, Ancient Egyptians and Monsters.

You should be so lucky.

amm

Abracadabra!

June 16, 2007June 16, 2007 / Anita Marie / 3 Comments

Do you want to know what I wish for every single day?

I wish against wishes that the egg rolls I eat for lunch are super crunchy just like they were that one day two years ago.

I wish I were taller. I’m five-five which pretty much doomed me to the average category everywhere else in my life.

I wish I could cheat at cards-not for money- I just like the idea of being a card shark. They get to wear cool sunglasses and drive boss cars.

I wish for a blackout blizzards to hit us in June or August- right in the middle of a heat wave- just so I could see the look of surprise on everybody’s faces.

That’s what I wish for, aren’t you glad you asked?

okay…now it’s your turn make a wish and blow then candle out.

Did your wish come true?

No?

Well who cares.

Wish anyways

and wish

BIG.

amm

What Would The CSI Guys Say?

June 9, 2007February 8, 2008 / Anita Marie / Leave a comment

Lizzie Borden- she was a woman- she was a killer -and she got away with two of the most hands on brutal killings in American History.

To refresh your memory, Lizzie lived in a state where ( in 1692 anyway ) you could just accuse a woman of being a witch and have her executed…just like that.

Another thing to keep in mind is that in 1892 women ( including Lizzie ) didn’t even have the right to vote-

that didn’t happen until 1920.

Anway- I think she did it but to this day Lizzie has her supporters and they say she’s innocent.

One of the arguments in her defense- which I think underscores the fact that Lizzie was found innocent because of her sex- was based on the time lines established for the killings.

Lizzie’s Stepmother was supposed to have been killed an hour or so before her Father.

The theory is that it was very unlikely that someone ( like a WOMAN ) who inflicted that kind of damage on a person with an AX could have left a dead mutilated body upstairs and gone on with her day and then come back later and did the same to someone else.

Have you ever seen the pictures of Andrew Borden?

Whoever did that was good and angry, they had worked themselves up into a mindless rage and that kind of rage can happen in the blink of an eye or it can build up…

say…

over an hour or so.

Links:

Link Photos From: The Chancery House

And visit: Lizzie Borden Virtual Museum and Library

Home Is Where The Heart Is

June 1, 2007 / Anita Marie / Leave a comment

My Very Own Story about a house, a man and

a ~~dream~~ nightmare….

Back along on Deception Road is a little farmhouse that no one lives in.

After the house was built and then put up for sale the orchard out back died, the little vegetable garden died and all of the pumpkins and squashes and tomatoes rotted right on their vines.

Even the flowers in the window boxes shriveled up and turned to dust within a day or so after they were set out and all the little farmhouse could do was slam its doors open and shut and make the clock in its kitchen strike twelve over and over again.

The man who built the farmhouse, Travis Janosik, use to stand out at the road and wonder what the hell was going on in there, why was it that nothing could live near that place without giving up the ghost.

There was nothing about Travis that would make you say, ‘you know that killer house? The one on Deception Road? It was built by Travis Janosik” and the person you would be talking to wouldn’t reply, “ Well of course it was a strange house. Look who built it.”

No, the house turned bad all by itself and this bothered no one more then Travis. What bothered him most of all happened when the house was two years old.

That’s when someone actually bought it and moved in.

The ‘someones’ who bought the farmhouse were the Korbar Family.

Travis use to drive out to Deception Road and park across the way from the Farmhouse and watch it. He’d see Darius Korbar working the vegetable garden or see him sitting on the porch with one of the many children he and Mrs. Korbar had and they acted like any other family living in those hills.

Unless of course you really watched them the way Travis did.

At first he had no interest in the Korbar family. His interest was in that house and what it was up to now. It didn’t have to settle for killing plants and the odd field animal that got to close to its walls. Now it had the Korbar children who scuttled around the property in their ill-fitting clothes.

At least that’s how it looked but then Travis realized it wasn’t the clothes that didn’t fit right, it was the bodies inside the clothes that weren’t right.

The children’s heads were to large for their small bodies and their hands and feet didn’t seem to be the same size and when they talked Travis felt the hair rising up on his arms and the back of his neck and that’s when he’d cut his daily vigil off.

Once Travis saw Mrs. Korbar come down the front steps with a tall glass in her hand and make her way to the garden to where Mr Korbar was working. She handed him the glass and he kissed her cheek and then she made her way back up the steps and Travis watched her but didn’t notice that as she climbed the steps her head was tilted slightly backwards and her back was straight as a pole and she never bent her knees.

It was like she was gliding up the steps and not walking up them at all.
Towards the end of the summer the gardens were dead and rotten and Mr Korbar was out there working it like it as if it were alive and thriving. The ground was water logged and moldy with green slime. The vegtables were rotting and decayed and you could actually smell it when the wind shifted.

On top of the fact that Travis was watching a man harvest from a garden full of rotten vegetables he was also sure that some of that smell was coming from Mr Korbar too.

Travis promised himself after that visit he wouldn’t go near the Farmhouse on Deception Road. Something was wrong with it, something was wrong with the people living inside of it and Travis was certain if he didn’t stop going over there something would be wrong with him too.

Of course, it was too late because that something had already happened to Travis and he found himself standing at the end of the drive leading right up to the Farmhouse the next day.

He was in plain view and Mrs. Korbar must have seen him from one of her windows because he wasn’t there for long before she came down the steps and met him with a basket of rotting carrots and maggot filled tomatoes on her arm.

“ We never got the chance to thank you for building this wonderful house Mr Janosik. Its perfect and we love it so.”

Travis was looking into the basket of dead and decaying vegetables and he said, “ How could you love it so? Nothing can live inside of that thing…”

And Mrs. Korbar said, “ Well, Mr Janosik nothing does…”

Dark Travels

May 31, 2007December 28, 2007 / Anita Marie / Leave a comment

My very own version of

the All American Family

on Vacation

Last Summer Mata Dark and her family took a vacation.

Mata was almost 20 at the time and during her entire twenty years of life none of the Dark Family had set foot off of the Olympic Mountain Range in Washington State. They had never traveled further then 40 miles away from their hometown of Leaning Birches.

It’s because Mata’s Father was a workaholic and he had this thing about being replaced. He was terrified of losing his job.

” Derby, do you really believe there’s a line of people waiting for to take your job? ” Mata’s mom Rue screamed at the top of her lungs while waving around a bunch of travel pamphlets in her hand.

Mom had wanted a vacation in the worst way and she felt like if she didn’t get this trip she wouldn’t have the energy to fight for another.

Derby’s eyes crossed a little like they always do when he thinks to hard and finally he said, ” I’m sure there’s a few people who would love to do my job. And do you know what Rue? They’re probably a lot younger and smarter and quicker then me. Don’t ask me to take a chance on losing the only thing I’ve ever been good at in my life.”

Rue who’s eyes never crossed when she thought to hard lowered her voice and said ” Derby you are the hardest working man in town and you’ve earned a vacation. Promise me you’ll think about it.”

Derby who adored his wife and family as much as he adored his job gave in about a week after that argument. He came home one night from work and out of nowhere asked Rue would she mind if they took a road trip? He had a route and a destination picked out. He even had a leather folder that read “ USA TOURS” full of flyers, confirmation forms and event tickets.

The travel agent he had worked with in town had even got them t-shirts to wear.

Mata’s Mom looked through the folder and then she unfolded one of the T-Shirts and held it up. ” You’ve got to be kidding. ” was all she could think to say.

The shirt read:

” UFO PALOOZA 2006 “

Derby smiled and shook his head. ” Pack up, we leave at Dawn “

Mata’s brother 15-year-old brother Wilton not only wore the t-shirt the morning they left he went out to Joker’s Galore the night before and bought a set of ” Deeply Boppers” to wear on his head too.

The ” Deely Boppers ” were silver antenna with gold balls at the top that were the size of marbles. When you turned your head something in them shifted and made a crackling sound.

Mata took one long hard look at her brother, walked out the front door and then jumped on her motorcycle and rode at break neck speed into town and bought herself a set too.

Mata and her brother Wilton had agreed with each other sometime during that very long drive that if Mom said the words, ‘ UFO’s? Are you kidding me Derby UFO’s? Our one and only vacation as a family is to celebrate something that doesn’t exist?” one more time they were both going to jump out of the car and take their chances on the New Mexico Desert, the New Mexico Sun and until they decided it sounded like fun the mutants that were suppose to have been created by the first Atomic Test back in 1945.

” Hey Mom ” Wilton asked, ” do you think there really are Radioactive Mutants out here? “

” Well I haven’t seen any but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist…am I right Derby? “

Derby reached over and patted her shoulder and said, ” That’s the Spirit Querida “

The little town was almost full of people dressed up like aliens, there were also a lot of people not dressed like aliens and they all seemed to know a lot about space travel and where you could get ” Saucer Burgers “, ” Milkyway Meals ” and everyone wanted to know if you were able to get reservations to stay at the ” Station 51 Hotel “

Most of the Dark Family were secretly pleased they were staying at the ” Place to Be ” for the Festival but they kept it to themselves because of the look on Rue’s face.

Rue’s face was this mask; she looked like someone had attached strings to her eyebrows and yanked them straight up.

She had speechless since they arrived in town, which was actually a relief.

Finally she opened her mouth, breathed and said ” God in Heaven ” and then she went back to the hotel and ordered a blood red steak and drank Strawberry Margaritas until she couldn’t focus her eyes.

After that she went back out and joined her family.

Derby talked Rue into joining a UFO Watcher’s Group and by the time they got back from spending an evening learning to plot their own star charts and joined in on a few debates about the Roswell Incident and watched a video of a genuine Alien Autopsy it was obvious Rue was having a good time.

At least her eyebrows had gone back to their normal spot on her forehead and she had quit saying ” God in Heaven ” everytime someone walked by.

So it really turned out to be a good trip and on their last night Rue and Derby went out with some new friends to make arrangements to get together for next year’s festival and Mata and Wilton went shopping.

Mata and Wilton decided to go and pick up some souvenirs for their friends back home and they spent a lot of time talking to Mr. Fanshaw who ran the little Museum just around the street from the hotel.

They talked to Mr Fanshaw about their Mom and their Dad and their home back in Washington.

Mr Fanshaw, Mata and Wilton were pleased to discover knew all about Aliens and he also knew at least an hours worth of top drawer ghost stories and as he packed up Mata and Wilton’s purchases he asked, ” so tell me about your Mom, in the end she had a good time? Is she a believer now do you think? “

” Doubt it, ” Wilton said “she doesn’t have much going in the way of imagination.”

” Sorry to hear that…its a curse of the Modern Age ” Mr Fanshaw said sadly. Then he asked, “and what does she do for a living? “

” Homemaker, ” Mata told him ” she use to be a Phlebotomist. That’s how she met our Dad. See the offices she worked at used to get busted into and vandalized all of the time. One night she got attacked and our Dad actually saved her from being killed. They’ve been together ever since”

” And what does your Dad do? ” Mr Fanshaw asked.

” He’s a Vampire Hunter ” Wilton said from behind a stack of packages and then he and Mata thanked Mr Fanshaw for all of his time and as the two young people left the Museum Mr. Fanshaw heard Mata say ” hey Wilton we should talk to Dad about The Triangle for our next trip…”