Random Thoughts

Wow That SUX!

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

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this is an I.B. Special

SUX TO BE YOU REPORT

 

When I was in the fourth grade I laughed at a kid who tripped in the lunch line.

My teacher decided to make an example out of me and I had to write on the blackboard 500 times

” I will not laugh at the misfortune of others. “

I learned my lesson….and I ignored Darren ( who I blamed for the ‘blackboard incident ) until one day he and his  Mom show up at my front door and Darren is all emotional and hurt because

” Anita won’t talk to me anymore and I don’t know why “

Over 30 years later and I still have to pay attention to Darren.

But that’s another story.

Today I laughed at the misfortune of another person…and I laughed so much I’ll be standing at that blackboard until the Flying Monkeys come home….

go on read this true story and you’ll see why.

The owner of the Psychic Experiences shop says she had a feeling something bad was about to happen to the signs outside her store. Monday night, an arsonist set fire to signs that said “Tarot card reading — $20” and “Open.”

Police said they have no suspects. Evans said she doesn’t, either.

i will not laugh at the misfortunes of others…

but this time I think I will

Sorry Mr Olson- you Blackboard Fascist

 

You Did Not Say That!

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

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I’ve kept a list of the questions that I’ve gotten into trouble for

asking

I thought I’d post them because today

was way to quiet

and

after the week I’ve had

I’m sort of missing the Legions of Hell snapping at my backside so….

! HERE THEY ARE !

What does it feel like to be a conjoined twin?

If your eye pops does it ooze out onto your face

or into your brain?

When a cannibal gets something stuck

in their teeth do they eat it

or spit it out?

Does a human kidney taste the same as a sheep’s kidney?

If you see a plunger at sewage treatment plant

should you be worried?

So

there they are…the little questions that have kept me out of the

better social circles.

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God IS Funny

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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Well Hello There!

You came by to go to Church with Anita?

Anita The I.B. Writer?

Are you kidding?

I thought she was banned…oh she prays on line.

I get it.

Well she’s not here,

Look, she left a note- you want to read it?

Yeah, she wrote it on the wall in purple crayon…she’s been in a mood this week.

Right…I know, I know it says ” God ” but she’s been looking at everyone and saying, ” God ” or ” Jesus Christ “- so you know I’m sure it’s okay.

 

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Dear God

I thought you might be dropping by for a Chat.

To be honest I haven’t even thought about

what made this long freaking week you cursed me with

a good one.

I know that I’m good for a laugh now and then God

but for once,

 I’d like somebody else to be the butt of your jokes.

Oh wait….you know…I guess you DID have some fun

with someone else…

like with these guys:

Rescuers head for stranded and disoriented deputies

By KOMO Staff

SKAMANIA COUNTY, Wash. — Seven of the ten county sheriff’s deputies who spent Saturday night stranded on Dog Mountain has been successfully rescued, according to the Skamania County Sheriff’s Office.

The men had become stranded on the rugged gorge terrain after becoming disoriented while pulling thousands of marijuana plants from a grow on the east side of Dog Creek, 10 miles east of Stevenson, Undersheriff David Cox said.

 

And really God did you think it was funny when that guy in Prosser got bit by the rattlesnake after he chopped it’s head off?

I mean, that’s just warped.

And then this guy says, “It still gives me the creeps to think that son-of-a-gun could do that,” he said.

I didn’t laugh at that God, but I’ll bet you did.

And then there was this story in our Local Paper

where the burning question was

” Should Your Spouse Go (to your highschool) Reunions “

and really God

the obvious answer is

“Only if they don’t want you to be going to their Funeral

in the upcoming weeks.”

Funny God

Har, Har, Har.

Okay God…it’s true Prayer is good for the Soul

I just figured out you didn’t spend all week picking on me.

So you might want to check your toothpaste God.

SOMEBODY may have replaced it with a tube of  hemroid cream

SORRY

I mean

See you next Sunday

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( if I don’t get turned into a pillar of salt before then )

AND

Amen

 

 

 

 

Irregular Notes From An Irregular Mind

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

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I have a great collection of post it notes that I keep in my journal (it’s made of paper and I actually WRITE in it). Some of them are funny, some are warped, and some could get me sued so I thought I’d share them here.

amm

To be attached to a flaming arrow and air mailed to that guy:

Your dog doesn’t hate black people, you do. Quit saying that.

 I mean it.

However, my Cat DOES hates you and if you keep trying to pet him he’s going to chew your fingers off and then how will you be able to give the finger to that nice Mexican family that everyone likes except for you?

Think about it

Notes to my friends:

YES YES YES the story about the woman who committed suicide around Halloween of 2005 by hanging herself at the side of the road and was mistaken for a Halloween decoration is true.

Stop asking me if when I die I want to be mistaken for a Halloween Decoration too- you warped little monkeys.

You all better hope there really is nothing to the art of Zombification because I have a candidate list all drawn up and here it is….

Ha.

As if.

In regards to my hometown:

It’s true, if you google Mountlake Terrace and look through the pictures of my fair town you’ll find this picture mixed in with pictures of churches and trees and houses for sale and a baby in a flowerbed.

Figures.

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                             Parasitic Mite on Earwig Pincher –

Next Up…I’ll do a post about the calls that get left on my answering machine.

You’re going to love it.

amm

Biting The Dog

/ Anita Marie / 15 Comments

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I have this rule about Fridays- I don’t take any crud with me from the week into the weekend or the bright shiny new week that starts on Monday.

Except for this time.

There were little things and big things that were done to my friends and family that- you know -I do believe I’ll deal with.

What changed you may be wondering.

I can’t ignore the fact that there are some things that people say or do 

that have to be answered for and accounted for.

So why I have made an exception

this time?

Because now I’m a writer with BIG imagination.

See Ya.

amm

Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

/ Anita Marie / 17 Comments

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When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

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I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

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I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

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Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

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I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

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And a Happy Friday To You Too!

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

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The I.B. Staff (that’s me, Anita) has received genuine hate mail and even a  heartfelt wish that I meet a messy end on the bumper of a garbage truck because I wrote  the following posts:

I wrote a story about a Fortune Teller who didn’t see her own death coming-

( you haven’t lived until somebody named after a goddess and plant threatens to curse your life force to ‘ tormints beyond  imagenation’

I wrote a story about the Queen of Hawaii being forced to give up her throne

( I was invited to leave the States and go back to wherever it was a “ emagratid from ”

And I dared to call JK Rowling an Author.

( I was informed she doesn’t understand the  ” craft ” and the ” writer’s expirience “

…oh and I suck too.)

All I can say is…

Spell Check People!

!Use Spell Check!

this has been an I.B. Public Service Announcement

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I Want a Story

/ Anita Marie / 5 Comments

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I like to take a look at what people are reading on the bus.

Sometimes they’re looking at newspapers, or magazines, or they’re hand (which I’m assuming they’ve got a phone or something down there…at least I hope so).

Over the years every other person had their noses buried in books by John Grisham or Tom Clancy; sometimes I didn’t notice the title because all I saw were those little stickers that proclaimed this work an “Oprah “book.

Without exception I saw that the people who were reading those books looked grim and withdrawn. Their mouths were set in hard lines and when their stop came up they’d take their book jam a marker into place and bury their book in a backpack or purse or briefcase.

Their gestures were clinical and thoughtless.

Unless you’re like me and made it a point to notice what people were reading you wouldn’t know. These books were something that Commuters ‘did’ on the way to work and when they were done commuting they were done with the book.

Of course, Harry Potter changed all of that.

When these people read the Potter books they’re leaning into the book, their faces are animated and when their stop comes up they carefully pop a marker into place and they carry their book under their arms close to themselves.

So today I thought, really, all theories aside what is it about a kid studying magic that really interests us?

And then I thought about my kids and how they used to demand “A Story “at bedtime.

“What kind of story?” I used to ask.

And my kids would say, “A good one.”

This is the kind of story my kids considered “good “and the ones I liked to tell:

We liked stories about good guys who win, about people who are fair, about friends that are loyal and stories where you get the chance to have that moment where you can be the person you know that you really are.

When I’d finish they’d look up and say, ” now that’s a story…a good one.”

Like my kids I think that a lot of us want stories about underdogs that become heroes and heroes that we discover are just people- just like us.

So I’m wondering, why is it now that all of the sudden these themes are finding their way into our everyday lives and hands of people waiting for a bus or sitting in a park or waiting in offices. Why do we crave these stories about a kid who studies magic when a few years ago Attorneys and CIA agents and women who were in ‘search of themselves’ were all the rage and we were perfectly willing to lose ourselves in their lives.

Their lives.

I think I know part of the answer now- and it’s been there all along.

We want a story about heroes and fairness and friendship.

It’s a good story- isn’t it?

Midnight Conversation at Riversleigh Manor

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

I wrote this a couple of years ago- and it’s one of my favorites because of the two nameless ‘characters’.

I don’t where they came from but I like them-they’re bone chilling.

With that….

Enjoy! 

From my Soul Food Cafe Prompt Archives 

amm

 

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There’s something buried in the Gardener’s Shed and why would someone bury something that wasn’t dead yet?

The thing in the shed isn’t buried very deep, so if you were to crawl over the dead fall in front of the door and were able to push your way through he matted cobwebs and you didn’t mind the smell of rotting leaves and small unburied creatures you’d find  there under the window a slightly raised mound of earth.

Were you to look at the raised mound long enough and the light somehow managed to find it’s way through the little panes of glass covered with dust and dirt you’d think someone was lying there on their side with one arm cradling their cheek and the other laying comfortably on their side.

Wouldn’t you?

If you brought a flashlight and the beam was bright you might think you could see something wrong with the entire left side of the sleeping figure’s face. You might think that maybe that the face was gone, smashed in by something like that shovel in the corner.

Isn’t that right?

They might wonder what you were doing back there in a rotting shed behind the Manor House in the dead of Night, they might see you take the shovel and try to smooth and pound that little raised mound of Earth flat.

That’s what they’d see wouldn’t they?

So I must ask you again, why would you bury something that is not dead yet?

Go ahead you can tell me.

Just keep your hands were I can see them.

 

I’m Telling!

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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It’s Sunday, this is the day Good People go to Church and talk to God.

I’m not a ” Good People ” so I have to talk to God from my house. This is a good thing in case he gets it in his head to throw a few lightning bolts around when I start talking- at least nobody else will get hurt ( oh sure…like none of you have ever kissed some backside to get ahead ) except for me.

And right now I’m on my way to Hell on the express train so pardon me while I make right with God:

Hi God

I don’t know if you were serious when you put this stuff in your ‘grand plan’ but I figure either the world is about to end or you’re hitting the bottle ( again )

 Zsa Zsa’s Husband was found naked in a car, God it hurts my brain to think of this guy I have to let that one go…and that actress who blamed ” That Black Kid ”  for getting into trouble with the police- she a total flake God and if you could turn her into a pillar of salt I’d be ever so grateful- as would be the rest of the world. 

Oh and this: 

SEATTLE (AP) – In an interview early this year, Pierce County Prosecutor Gerry Horne called Washington state’s death penalty law a “farce” and suggested it is so ineffective that the Legislature should consider getting rid of it. (story here)

This is the definition of a farce: A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.

I don’t think lethal injections or hanging is a farce- I find a lot of things funny but Capital Punishment isn’t one of them.

Ha, that one shorted out your brain too, didn’t it?

I love Science- and when I was a kid I wanted to pilot a space ship. Now I wished I’d stuck with that God because did you know that there’s something called the ” Bottle To Throttle ” Rule at NASA?

No Kidding…in fact it gets even stranger:

Someone working for NASA sabatoged a computer. A Shuttle Astronaut was accused of trying to off a romantic rival and this guy named Himmel, (who retired in 1981 as associate director for what is now Glenn Research Center in Cleveland) said, ” “There’s no perfect system.” ( in regards to Policy at NASA )

I don’t know about you God, but hearing that made me think of the time I rode a roller coaster and my safety belt snapped open and wouldn’t lock- remember that?

It was mid way through the ride and I had to tie my belt closed.

Anyway I’d have tried like hell to get a job with NASA just so I could have front row seats to that freak show.

Well God, as you can see it’s a weird world you made, but it’s funny so I’ll give you points for that.

And if you could help me score another one of those great Egg Rolls like the one I had last year- I’d be a really good person for the rest of my life.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Jesus, I did it wrong again..

I MEAN

See you next Sunday

No- that’s not right either.

 How do you end this thing?

Oh yeah….here we go:

AMEN.

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