God and The Daily Show Effect

vie13021.jpg 

Hi God,

Something Strange and Mysterious has happened

and I’m

chalking it up to  your

Godly Powers.

Either that or you’re drinking again….

but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway, here’s the skinny: 

Over the last few weeks Irregular Bones has gone from an

on-line

 journal

where I write about my cats and my friends and family and head hunters and civil rights and

homeless people and what my bus rides to and from work are like

and my hero worship of Rod Serling and Bruce Campbell

to

a

NEWS SOURCE.

I kid you not.

So being that I’m trying to get on your good side

( well, at least on Sundays )

I’m prepared to answer your Call:

I have a half a pound of Pez on hand at all times

 an endless supply of Jolt cola

a weird sense of humor

and Google at my finger tips.

I am SO going to have fun with this.

Thanks for the Call God,

it’s a good one.

Oh and between me and you

I don’t care what anyone says

YOU ARE FUNNY.

See Ya Next Sunday….

ahhhhmennnnn.

hahaha-lulz.jpg

 

 

An Alien Observation

m0hgkt3m.gif

Do you know what I think is funny?

I think it’s funny when people with voice and power

demand

that

the very people they’ve silenced

 speak for them….

It’s just a thing that seems to happen every

once and awhile.

amm

 

Boo God!

 

Where have I been?

Funny One God.

Let’s Get to it, shall we? 

 

vie1302.jpg

So God, I was surfing the net for Halloween stuff and I kept running across these stories about Christians wanting to ” take Halloween back ” or asking if they should celebrate it at all.”

Here’s the short answer. 

No.

Okay God?

Just in case that’s not clear enough here’s the long answer:

No! No! No!

I don’t go into church and make everybody in there read Stephen King and I don’t make the Congregation dress up like zombies or ghouls for Sunday Services and I happen to think that some of those Church songs are nice so I would never make them sing those ” Haunted Favorites ” with the sound effects in the background ( let’s face it though, I bet more people would go if ….never mind ) Okay…so tell them alright? I mean, don’t they have to listen to you? Isn’t that in the rule book  Bible somewhere?

Yeah…I thought so.

Now the second thing I want to chat about are these Wonker Heads that sent me hate mail just because I believe in Human Rights.

I know they’re your children God and you love them- probably in the same way I loved that Cyclops Kitten. It was so deformed and helpless and must have been so afraid that you just couldn’t not care about it.

apphotocyclops_l.jpg

But Christ, could you make sure they use spell check? Like if one of these er, individuals, take the time to write me a letter and threaten me the very least you could make them do is run spell check so that the fake name those Chuckle-Heads use is spelled right.

Yeah, okay it is funny but still.

And forgive me God because in the spirit of Halloween I told someone an Urban Legend was a true story even though I knew it wasn’t.

Which one?

It was the one about the woman who goes to Mexico and  after she gets back this boil on her face pops open and hundreds of baby spiders crawl out.

Hey, don’t get all Godly on me, the person I messed lost her last brain cell to bleach about 30 years ago and she always calls me ” Sen-your-eada “

She knows I don’t like her, so why she asked me about this one is weird. I’m guessing it’s because ” Sen-your-eada  Ahneeeedah ” ( as she likes to call me)  looks like one of them ” Mexican People ” and she probably thinks  I’d know all about Mexican Infestations “

Hear My Prayer Lord….please have her ask me another….please?

And see you here next Sunday…got that…here

59771.jpg

Oh almost forgot….

aaaaahhhhmennn.

 

No Enemies?

 

 

You have no enemies, you say?

Alas, my friend, the boast is poor,

For those who have mingled in the fray

Of duty, that the brave endure,

Must have made foes.

If you have none,

Small is the work that you have done.

You’ve hit no traitor on the hip,

You’ve dashed no cup from purjured lip,

You’ve never set the wrong to right.

You’ve been a coward in the fight.

                                                ——Charles Mackay

 

My friend Nancy sent this to me in response to my post

Bring It On Home Baby….

The thought was appreciated and I’d like to share it here and dedicate it to all of my friends who have ever stood up and spoken out.

amm

What Remains

  

it’s been a long and interesting week

and to sum it up 

a little

E.A Poe comes to mind

enjoy 

photo used by the kind permission of

Kitty

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!

the raven

 

The Indiana Toilet Monster

In the spirit of the upcoming holiday (I don’t mean my birthday…I mean Halloween) I thought I’d post some nifty Halloween Related Urban Legends from now until the BIG DAY.

I’ve decided to start with

The Toilet Monster

skull1-11.jpg

The toilet monster is a girl named Carmen who was pushed down into a sewer by her classmates and died. Carmen Whitehead lived in Indiana, so the story goes- and for some reason it’s important to mention that so I did.

Okay…back to the story.

So shortly after Carmen meets her death in the Sewer this post shows up at MySpace:

If you don’t repost this saying:

They Pushed Her Down The Sewer

Carmen will get you…

To fill you in, Carmen from Indiana will come up from you Shower or Toilet and drag you down to where she is in the sewers and then she’ll kill you.

I think it would be way more efficient to kill you first and then flush you down the toilet- but hey I didn’t write this.

I did however enjoy it because I can’t help but to wonder how many of you will think about Carmen The Indiana Toilet Monster the next time you visit the smallest room in the house.

I think that’s pretty darn funny.

Urban Legends…. they are more then amusing stories they are the gift that keeps on giving.

Deep In The DNA of Texas

 101dal2.jpg

This story about a woman who found a deformed animal isn’t just weird, it’s disturbing.

CUERO, Texas –  …..But the roadkill she found last month outside her ranch was a new one even for her, worth putting in a freezer hidden from curious onlookers: Canion believes she may have the head of the mythical, bloodsucking chupacabra (more here)

 No Ma’am, you didn’t find a Chupacabra, I think you came across an animal that’s been mutated and I’m pretty sure we can rule out the possibility that Aliens flew from the other side of the Universe just to mess the DNA of Coyotes.

So MAYBE  now would be a good time to bring up the mutated frogs that are turning up in Wisconsin and Minnesota.

 Nobody wants to see Mutated Frogs or fish  swimming around ( or in some cases looking at you with six eyes or crawling away from you on three legs) – it’s not exactly a sign that your water is in great shape.

So when a land mammal like this turns up, it’s not a warning like the frogs ( see story below)- it’s more like having your Mom stand over you after you pull some stupid stunt and she’s yelling at you in fear and anger ” What did I tell you? Now you don’t have anybody to blame but yourself.”

Personally, I don’t think this animal inspired myths…but I can’t help but to think it is a sign.

We should probably take few seconds to read it.

amm

Runoff blamed for jump in deformed frogs

Mon Sep 24, 11:08 PM ET

The growing number of deformed frogs in recent years is caused at least partly by runoff from farming and ranching, new research indicates.

Nitrogen and phosphorous in the runoff fuel a cycle that results in a parasitic infection of tadpoles, resulting in loss of legs, extra legs or other deformities, according to researchers led by Pieter Johnson of the University of Colorado, Boulder.

Their findings are being published in this week’s online edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The deformed frogs have been a puzzle for more than a decade, since a group of Minnesota schoolchildren discovered a pond where more than half of the leopard frogs had missing or extra limbs. Suggested causes have ranged from pesticides and increased ultraviolet radiation to parasitic infection.

While parasite infection is now recognized as a major cause of such deformities, the environmental factors responsible for increases in parasite abundance had largely remained a mystery, Johnson said in a statement.

Here’s how the cycle works:

The parasites, called trematodes, have a series of host species.

They grow in snails and become infectious when released by the snails into ponds, where they can infect frog tadpoles, forming cysts in the developing limbs. Water birds eat the frogs and then excrete the parasites back into the ecosystem where they can infect the snails, he explained.

The increasing amount of runoff is fueling a boom in algae growth, the snails eat the algae and also undergo a population explosion, increasing the breeding places for the trematodes.

To test the idea, the researchers built 36 artificial ponds in central Wisconsin and introduced snails. Ponds with added runoff had a 50 percent increase in the snail population compared with those that did not have the extra nutrients.

The research was funded by the National Science Foundation.

___

On the Net:

Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences

Did Something Die Under The House Again?

My bad….it’s just Sunday coming around again.

Okay God, it’s just me and you here and it’s Sunday – but we’re going to pretend we’re just two people shooting the breeze because I have some non-churchy issues to discuss with you-

so here we go

vie13022.jpg

My friend is a good guy, he helps people even when he’s not feeling so well,

he sets aside his own issues to help people when he could retire and sit on a beach somewhere and toss back Pina Coladas until he has depleted the entire Coconut population from the entire planet Earth.

So explain to me God why someone like that gets a message on his answering machine that prompts him to tell his friends;

“remember, I’d never hurt myself and I’d never walk away from any of you without saying goodbye”

You need to look into that one God.

Next 

Someone I know died.

This person used to use their illness to get what they

wanted from people.

This person was shameless

they would say or do anything to get what they wanted from you.

I’m not going to the funeral and when I deleted them

from my e-mail list and phone lists

It felt good

Very Good

I’m going to Hell for that, aren’t I?

Just a heads-up I know that’s going to cost me.

Now, I try to never end our Sunday Chat on a bad

note

I really try to be thankful for the good things in my life

Like my friends

and my family

( which are one in the same to me )

and I’m truly thankful for living in Snohomish County

because stuff like this happens:

A woman in Everett, Washington is trying to sell

some genuine Oscars and the

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences

is sueing to stop her from doing it.

All I can say to them is,

you don’t know what you’re messing with boys and girls

Here in Snohomish we aren’t your regular type Humans.

Saddle up cause it’s going to be a rough ride.

 

Okay God

I’m going to turn you lose now

I’ll see you next Sunday

try, if it’s at all possible,  to do the Mercy thing

some of us are in need of it right now

Later.

I mean no, it’s

” Amen “

and I’ll see you next Sunday

 Come Hell or High Water

( IT’S A JOKE !)

exorcist0031.jpg

 

I Went To Sin City and All I Brought Back Was a Keychain

vie13022.jpg

 

I was going to ask my Mom to write me a note to God to have me excused from Sunday Prayers.

But then I thought, I’ve got a bone to pick with you Hoss, so let’s do this.

 

Jesus Christ, I spent three days and two nights in Las Vegas Nevada and I’m not sure who said it was this wild place but they need to be fired.

First of all, I don’t know how wild Professional Bingo players get, but let me paint you a picture…they DON’T.

There were old people and young people and people with their kids. I only saw two people that looked like genuine lounge lizards- they were wearing bright yellow and blue suits and sprayed on tans- and it turned out they were doing an act.

I know because I asked.

I asked the guy where I could find the gambling guys like the ones I’ve seen on TV and one guy said ” in some Hollyweird Fancy Boy’s Dreams “

har, har.

I sat around a few of Wedding Chapel places and watched people get married, which was fun, I asked my husband if we could renew our vows he agreed.

When I said I wanted to find an Elvis impersonator to do the honors he disappeared for the rest of the afternoon.

Humph.

That’s okay though…cause I ordered room service and sat around my room and ordered movies that I didn’t like and put it all on his credit card.

I only spent sixty dollars.

Can you imagine Lord what I could have done if I’d REALLY been mad?

So that was my big Vegas Trip and God here’s a heads-up: I’m planning a vacation to see some mummies and if it turns out those are fake too me and you are going to have issues

Big Ones.

Later.

I mean, see you next Sunday and AMEN.

 

59771.jpg

Why Do Stupid People Have Tongues?

bruce.jpg

Hi.

The I.B. Manager ( that’s Anita ) is in her backyard playing kickball with Jesus.

At least that’s what I think she’s doing…I mean, she’s kicking a basketball against the side of her house and mumbling, ” Jesus Christ ” over and over again- so I’m going to do a ” Sux Report ” because she’s not paying attention to her writing at the moment.

Okay here it goes:

When a latte liberal tells you she’s been on ” Diversity things…you know like committees since the 60’s and NONE of them ever worked so what’s the point in helping THOSE PEOPLE when it’s obvious they’re just not into it”

AND the Latte Liberal is white and she’s imparting this opinion to about five people who are NOT white

You can’t help but to wonder why Stupid People Have Tongues

because everytime they open their mouths to talk

you realize

 that SUXS.