Sup God?

It’s Sunday.

This is the day I check in with God and tell him about my week.

I’d do it at Church, but I’m banned. I figured that out after I noticed that when I show up there’s like 20 guys who look like Father Merrin lining the walk up to the doors so- I get the hint already.

 

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Dear God,

It’s been a long week.

It’s had it’s moments though.

Here was the biggest news story to come out of Mountlake Terrace this week- two kids stole a car and set it on fire.

Our major local paper actually wrote a story about it.

And God, they put it on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.

I’m not sure what mortifies me more- kids who burn cars or newspapers that write detailed news reports about it.

I have an idea, if you could send an invasion force made up of Flying Monkeys to attack Mountlake Terrace our local paper could write about an issue that really does affect the people of Mountlake Terrace and all of us live this lame ‘news’ story down.

It’s just an idea.

God, I know you promised not to do the flooding thing again but if you could do one of those surgical strikes and wipe out any theatres showing Summer Sequels I’d be ever so grateful.

They’re making us pay to watch repeats God.

That’s so unfair.

Bruce Campbell says in this article ( here ) that Studios are creatively bankrupt.

He’s too kind.

They were never creative to begin with.

Now Almighty One, I like a good laugh now and then too, but that thing you did in Hoquiam.

It was out of control.

Let me refresh your memory.

All these people showed up in Hoquiam for the Senior Babe Ruth state baseball tournament and instead of the smell of peanuts and crackerjacks they got to huff something nasty from the Ocean Protein Fish Meal plant.

“But this odor has been so pervasive and it has a bit of the cooking smell, not just raw smell, that we believe something is escaping and not being treated well enough.”

Richard Stedman- Olympic Region Clean Air Agency

Something is ‘escaping’?

ESCAPING?

Excuse me while I go hide under my bed for the next 100 years.

Really.

See you next Sunday God.

I mean

Amen

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Is It That Time Of The Month Again?

Yes indeed, it’s Sunday.

Time to have my weekly chat with God.

I know, I know

If  I were really serious about this I’d do it every day

 but if my Mom found out I call God more then her?

She’d bust me open like a crispy Lumpia.

So anyway here we go:

 

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Dear God,

I want to thank you for a pretty good week.

Nobody that I know died- besides I knew you wouldn’t approve so I kept my hands to myself.

Thank you for creating the Universe so that I can now spend Thursdays watching ” Burn Notice “.

I think it’s wonderful that the role of floozy/spy is a man who is almost 50 years old and never shaves and wears Aloha Shirts. I like it that he credits his income and home on the beach to ” those little blue pills’.

You truly inspired someone there God and it was darn fine work.

Thank you for the heat wave that has hit the Pacific Northwest.

I was about to go out and spray something that would kill my lawn just so I wouldn’t have to mow it and woo hoo in three days you killed it dead.

God, the timing on that one, I mean I was touched.

It really felt like you were watching over me there.

I owe you for that one.

 I’d also like to thank you for this:

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I walk around saying ” The Orange Ones Are Poison ” and I love -DO YOU HEAR ME- love the look people get on their faces when I say it…which is often.

By often I mean every chance I get.

And above all else thank you for aiding me on the Crispy Egg Roll Search. I’m getting closer to finding it God and I know that after these many blessings this one shall too come to pass.

Bye-

I mean

Amen

and see you next Sunday.

amm

Certain Truths Are NOT Evident

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When I was little and my family from Hawaii would come to the Mainland during the Summer I used to notice that if it was the 4th of July they used to stand there in a sea of American Flags and oceans of Potato Salad and look…just a little grim, maybe a little quiet and at one point someone would take me aside and tell me the story about Queen Lili’uokalani.

My Filipino Grandfather who always smiled and was a gifted and lively story teller was not so animated when he told me how The Queen was put in chains and imprisoned in her own home and I used to wonder, as he told me the story, what the Queen of England or the President of The United States being put in chains and forced to live in the basement of their homes would look like and I couldn’t see it.

When I was a kid I learned from my Grandfather ( because I sure as Hell never learned about it at school )  that  unlike the ” Declaration of Independence ”  the Queen signed a document that dissolved Hawaii’s Independence. Our 50th State – how ironic- actually LOST its Independence when it was annexed by the U.S. Governement.

I wonder if they took the cuffs off when she signed.

They may have…. but they were there all the same weren’t they?

Queen Lili’uokalani of Hawaii signed a document which read in part: “Now to avoid any collision of armed forces, and perhaps the loss of life, I do this under protest and impelled by said force yield my authority until such time as the Government of the United States shall, upon facts being presented to it, undo the action of its representatives and reinstate me in the authority which I claim as the Constitutional Sovereign of the Hawaiian Islands. – Queen Lili’uokalani to Sanford B. Dole, Jan 17, 1893.”

Hawaii was annexed  ( not admitted, not ‘became’ a state- amm )to the United States through a joint resolution of the U.S. Congress, signed into law by President McKinley on July 17, 1898.

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A Little Help Here…

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It’s Sunday, so I’m going to do a little prayer here…and if you stand clear as I say it the chances of you being hit by a bolt of lightening are pretty slim so here it goes….

Dear God- Please help me not laugh hysterically this week at the ignorance of others- like those Nazis my husband faced down over the weekend up in Everett.

See, they were yelling what I call ‘ Taco Bell ‘ brand Spanish at him – no one – not even the people who could speak Spanish could figure out what they were saying.

Someone else  thought they may have Googled Redneck English To Spanish Phrases but considering how many people DON’T speak English as a first language in this world someone at GOOGLE may have messed with that option….

I’ll be honest here  Lord, because I know you can read my mind anyway, I would have.

Anyway God, you’d think that people would be smart enough to know that you can’t really learn anything from a talking dog- but some of us Dear Lord are not that smart.

I’m Praying for Them and for myself God.

And if you can swing it God please help me not roll my eyes up into my head and say something smarmy every single time someone says ” Paris Hilton. “

First of all I’m doing this so often now that I’m afraid my eyes will get stuck up there and second of all I know for a fact it really isn’t nice to make fun of the mentally challenged.

I’ve never done it before and it’s a little late at my age to turn into a schoolyard bully- so give me some help here, I could use it.

Last of all Oh Great One, please see that I get to score one of those Super Crunchy Egg Rolls this week- the ones cooked to perfection and just stuffed with baby shrimp-  it’s out there God and with your help I know I can find it and munch it and quiet that vicious Egg Roll Demon that lurks inside of me.

I’m done.

Oh…umm  wait this is the part where I’m supposed to say Amen right?

 Okay.

Amen.