Instead of saying
” I could just kill someone right now “
in the hopes people will understand how angry you are
Threaten to turn the Monkeys loose.
People are afraid of Monkeys
and they’re terrified of Flying Monkeys.
They’ll get the point.
Really.
This has been an I.B. PSA
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
Benjamin Disraeli
I was power washing homeless person vomit from off my loading dock today when from out of nowhere I remember this news story about a person who just won the lottery and they said,
” It’s not going to change me, I’m not giving up my job. ”
Man, why apologize for winning? And what is it with this humble thing? You didn’t win the lottery because you’re a good person. You just happened to get the right number or the right ticket and it doesn’t care who you were before you pulled it.Heaven knows I don’t either. Besides if I had won that drawing I’d look like the least deserving person on the face of the planet to win anything.
I wouldn’t be able to help myself.
So as I’m washing the vomit away I figure I might as well hose the pigeon yack from the railing while I’m at it.
And then as the water splashed up from the ground into my face I thought to myself “Oh sure, if I won the lottery I’d want to keep the vomit and my ugly face too. I live for getting the short end of the ‘stick o-life’ jabbed in my eye every darned day. Ooooo, I wouldn’t want to part with any of that!
But I’m honest; I’d look into the camera and say after the reporter asks the question (I would of course be wearing my celebratory Deely Boppers with the little shrunken heads on the tops) and I’d say with sincerity:
“I won’t be in to work because I intend to be on the first plane to California in the morning just in time for that guy who has a TV show about Plastic Surgery to open his office. Count on it, a month from now I fully intend be a brand new Anita who doesn’t have to hose vomit and bird poop from off of a loading dock anymore.
As to my future plans I’m going to be visiting places like Roswell, The Pez Museum and I’m going to Nevada to hang out near Area 51 and get sunburn. At some point in there I’m going to buy about a dozen of those bat house kits and nail them up all over my yard- just to drive my neighbor nuts. If he were smart he’d sell me his house before I get the Honey Bee Farm delivered.
Why?
He hates my cat…anyway-
My life won’t be about enrichment, it’s going to be all about living- which in case you haven’t noticed
YOU CAN’T DO IF YOU’RE WORKING IN A PLACE WHERE YOU NEVER SEE THE DAMNED SUN AND YOU HAVE TO HOSE VOMIT FROM THE STEPS OR YOU COULD SLIP IN THE SLIME AND BREAK YOUR NECK!”
Then I’d laugh, kiss the camera and do the Hula.
And I wouldn’t stop carrying on until they put me down with a tranqualizer dart.
Count on it.
It’s the Law Baby
Deal with it.
this is a special report from the I.B. Staff
Our lawmakers here in Washington State have declared that we honor the following:
See this Onion?
It’s called a Walla Walla Sweet Onion.
Don’t mess with it.
It’s got friends in high places in the Washington State Government.
That’s more then I can say for myself and I pay taxes.
Plus I vote.
Now take a good look at this little frog.
It’s called
It’s our official State Amphibian.
It’s only 5 centimeters long
the males are smaller then the females
and their toes are sticky.
Round these parts we call our friend
The Honorable
Pseudacris Regilla
Don’t laugh.
A Paper in Oregon thought what we did was Cool.
God.
And this is our Official State Ship
Actually, this is a good one.
She’s been in the movies
she’s a celebrity
and she’s never forgotten to wear her underwear
We’re proud of her round the old Puget Sound.
Darn Proud.
This is the day I check in with God and tell him about my week.
I’d do it at Church, but I’m banned. I figured that out after I noticed that when I show up there’s like 20 guys who look like Father Merrin lining the walk up to the doors so- I get the hint already.
Dear God,
It’s been a long week.
It’s had it’s moments though.
Here was the biggest news story to come out of Mountlake Terrace this week- two kids stole a car and set it on fire.
Our major local paper actually wrote a story about it.
And God, they put it on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.
I’m not sure what mortifies me more- kids who burn cars or newspapers that write detailed news reports about it.
I have an idea, if you could send an invasion force made up of Flying Monkeys to attack Mountlake Terrace our local paper could write about an issue that really does affect the people of Mountlake Terrace and all of us live this lame ‘news’ story down.
It’s just an idea.
God, I know you promised not to do the flooding thing again but if you could do one of those surgical strikes and wipe out any theatres showing Summer Sequels I’d be ever so grateful.
They’re making us pay to watch repeats God.
That’s so unfair.
Bruce Campbell says in this article ( here ) that Studios are creatively bankrupt.
He’s too kind.
They were never creative to begin with.
Now Almighty One, I like a good laugh now and then too, but that thing you did in Hoquiam.
It was out of control.
Let me refresh your memory.
All these people showed up in Hoquiam for the Senior Babe Ruth state baseball tournament and instead of the smell of peanuts and crackerjacks they got to huff something nasty from the Ocean Protein Fish Meal plant.
Richard Stedman- Olympic Region Clean Air Agency
Something is ‘escaping’?
ESCAPING?
Excuse me while I go hide under my bed for the next 100 years.
Really.
See you next Sunday God.
I mean
Amen
I was eating my chips enjoying the sun and watching the Homeland Security SUV’s cruise up and down 2nd Ave early this week at my bus stop.
They’ve got a routine, the white SUV with the Homeland Security logo circles the block twice and when the white SUV rolls through the intersection the second time a black Homeland Security SUV passes it and then about ten minutes later they do it all over again.
So what could possibly distract me from this intracate Traffic Ballet?
A guy with a hammer.
There’s a guy with a hammer following two guys wearing suits and he’s asking how’d they’d like a taste of it up long side their heads.
He’s waving the hammer in their faces and both these guys are looking at everyone standing along side the wall and wondering if we’re all going to stand there and do nothing
There were enough cell phones at that bus stop to circle the planet twice and no… nobody called for help- big surprise. I don’t have a phone on me and when I turned to a guy next to me he looked in the other direction.
So for whatever reason the guy with the hammer lets these two guys go and turns around and does the same thing to a couple of other guys who were standing at the bus stop NOT calling for help and he’s screaming about how he’s sick of ‘ you all’ and he starts waving the hammer some more.
Then he turns and looks right at me.
I’m back up against a wall and I figure he’s got the hammer and I’ve got nowhere to go. And from what I’ve seen we’re all on our own here. So I shove my little bag of chips into my book bag and I keep my eye on his right shoulder.
Then I step forward a little and decide that if he comes at me I’ll have to kneecap him with the heel of my foot- and you know that’s nothing compared to a hammer but…
It was a plan.
Then he raises the hammer up, looks through me and turns and goes screaming down the street about how all he ever wanted was some respect.
I look around.
There are four grown men who look like they’re going to start crying ( heck no I don’t think that’s funny ) there’s a bunch of people trying to find something to look at except for these four men who are falling apart right in front of us… then there’s me.
I grab what’s left of my chips out of my book bag and start munching.
I’m still mad about this entire thing and I’m not even sure why.
amm
LiveScience.comMon Jul 2, 11:55 PM ET
Do you have a really bad memory, or past heartache, that you would prefer to forget?
Researchers at Harvard and McGill University (in Montreal) are working on an amnesia drug that blocks or deletes bad memories. The technique seems to allow psychiatrists to disrupt the biochemical pathways that allow a memory to be recalled.
Okay, this is NOT good.
It’s bad.
Let me spell this out, they want to develop a drug that will disrupt pathways in YOUR BRAIN that allow memories to be recalled.
How interesting, you can take a human brain and wipe it clean and replace it with what?
Happy thoughts?
Who will decided what goes and what stays?
You?
Hey, if you’re in such a bad way that you need to chemically shut down pathways in your brain to keep memories from surfacing I doubt if anyone is going to listen to a word you have to say, am I right?
I wonder- if you take away the things that made you the person you are now, what on earth will you become if you take any of that (even the bad things) away.
Once that stuff hits your brain you won’t be the same.
Now there’s a thought.
For years and years and years I thought the only purpose Oregon had was to keep Washington State from sliding down into California.
Then Kent Couch took his balloon trip, I heard this interview with a woman who lives somewhere in the wilds of Oregon who kept a rifle above her door to protect herself from ‘bears and those drug kids from Seattle’ and I happen to know now for a fact that the best Salt Water Taffy in the world is made down there.
I’ve been seduced.
I totally fell in love with Oregon.
God, thank you for Oregon- I’d have to say it’s your best work yet.
What follows is a news report that proves it.
I’m going ahead and reprinting a story from the Associated Press here for fear that one day the link will go down and this great story will be lost forever.
DeFazio wants ‘investigation’ into Vermont’s Simpsons win
SPRINGFIELD, Ore. (AP) – U.S. Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Springfield is still piqued that his hometown wasn’t chosen to host the premiere of the upcoming animated film “The Simpsons,” particularly since “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening is an Oregon native.
In fact, he smells a rat, and has asked U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate – sort of.
In a spoof letter from DeFazio’s office to Gonzalez, he points out that Springfield, Ore., with around 52,000 residents, lost out on the right to hold the premiere to Springfield, Vt., which won a contest sponsored by 20th Century Fox, despite having only 9,000 residents.
“Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud,” DeFazio writes, tongue planted firmly in cheek. “It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?”
DeFazio continues that he’s well aware that many will dismiss his concerns, saying that the Oregon Springfield was simply “rolled” by the giant pink doughnut of Homer Simpson’s dreams, featured prominently in the winning video submitted by Springfield, Vt.
“But I believe there were significant voting irregularities,” DeFazio writes. “Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter.”
Gonzalez’s office could not immediately be reached for comment on the spoof letter.
The letter concludes in true Simpsons fashion: Instead of signing off “Sincerely,” or “Yours Truly,” DeFazio concludes with an “Okiliydokily.”
Despite DeFazio’s efforts, on July 21, Springfield, Vermont’s 100-seat movie theater is slated to play host to the movie, which opens July 27.
ORIGINAL STORY HERE
and of course…here’s a Promo:
When I worked as a Mortician the first thing I learned was not embalming techniques or how to arrange flowers at the graveside or how to fix a body ruined by disease or violence.
I learned to respect the dead.
I never made fun of a body, or complained about a family’s requests or sat there when someone talked about their now changed lives and planned what I was going to do over the weekend.
Call me weird but I think that messing with the Dead says something about your character- like maybe you don’t have one.
I also think that if there are sins that catch up with you one day disrespecting the Dead- I’m positive is- one of them.
So what brought this post on tonight?
Here in Washington State, in Tacoma, a little girl was taken from her family and murdered.She is only 12 years old and her name is Zina Linnik
Her murderer was a neighborhood man with a violent past- and along with Zina’s death the authorities are now looking at four other cases involving murdered and missing children who were taken from Tacoma as well.
As if that were not heinous enough- Zina is being shamelessly used by ” Anti- Mexican ” groups who want to secure our borders with Mexico.
These groups are openly blaming her death on ” Illegal Aliens”
The thing of it is, the man who is accused of this crime isn’t Mexican. He’s Thai. He’s not an ” Illegal Alien “. He is a legal permanent resident of the U.S..
And don’t for one second think that the Anti-Mexican Supporters who are now dancing all over Zina’s grave don’t know that too.
They know and they don’t care.
This little girls family deserves justice and sympathy and support.
They don’t need to see their daughter’s story on blogs or websites screeching about “Immigrants” invading our Country and bringing their evils with them for one simple reason.
Zina Linnik’s family, you see, are Ukrainian.
News Report Here
To fly, Couch dressed in shirt, sweater, jeans, work boots and sunglasses handed him at the last minute.
He took off at 6:06 a.m. Saturday after kissing his wife, Susan, goodbye and petting his Chihuahua, Isabella.
By Associated Press
And then Kent Couch sat down on his lawn chair- to which over 100 helium balloons were attached and he flew almost 200 miles from his home in Bend, Oregon at altitudes ranging from 11,000 feet to 13,000 feet – to a farmer’s field in Union, Oregon.
I love this story- just love it because Kent Couch took a dream and made a plan and it involved Balloons and Lawn Chairs.
I ask you, did he take his dream that involved lawn furniture and balloons and learn to fly a plane? Did he buy his way onto The Space Shuttle?
Heck no, Kent Couch had this dream; it involved a Lawn Chair, balloons and Idaho.
And he made it happen.
Okay, Kent Couch didn’t actually make it to where he wanted to land in Idaho- he says he came up short. If I had the chance, I’d tell Kent Couch he went much further then he planned.
what can I add to that except- way to go Mr. Couch!
( full story here )
Balloons suspend Kent Couch in a lawnchair as he floats in the skies near Bend, Ore., Saturday, July 7, 2007. (AP Photo/ The Bulletin, Pete Erickson)
amm
“Did you hear they’re going to execute the guy who was responsible for the poisoned pet food?”
“Really” I would say, “Why?”
“Well, he brought a lot of grief into people’s lives.”
“I don’t think that’s why they’re executing him” I’d say to some people who CLEARLY thought I was missing the point.
Some of my friends really thought this was about American Cats and Dogs and the wrong that was done to their American owners.
In other words…it was all about us
But of course it wasn’t- it was about ALL OF US.
from the LA Times
Zheng Xiaoyu was convicted of taking bribes worth about $850,000 and dereliction of duty.
During his tenure, the administration reportedly approved six medicines that turned out to be fake, including an antibiotic blamed for at least 10 deaths in China.
In North America, authorities this year have blocked or recalled toxic seafood, juice made with unsafe color additives and toys coated with lead paint imported from China.
This followed the death of several dogs and cats last year who ate pet food containing Chinese wheat gluten tainted with the chemical melamine, a fire retardant.
In Panama last year, dozens of people died after ingesting medicine contaminated with highly toxic diethylene glycol, an ingredient in brake fluid, that originated in China and was confused with harmless glycerin.
Counterfeit Colgate toothpaste containing traces of the same liquid was found on store shelves in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Maryland. No deaths have been reported from the counterfeit toothpaste…
read the entire article HERE–
Like I said, this is about all of us.
amm
Irregular Bones 