Back in 2007- on September 17 to be exact I found out my wonderful cat Wolfie had kidney failure- that he was terminal and that I was going to lose him.

So I  was given a choice- I could take him home and nurse him the best I could- which involved giving him fluids through an I.V. and tempting his appetite every single day ( for the most part ) because he just didn’t want to eat.

Or I could ‘let him go’.

It was an obvious  choice

I  brought him home.

I gave him fluids just about every other day. I found foods he would eat. I took him outside and sat with him in the front yard until he tried to get up to go back inside.

Sometimes he could make it on his own- and those were the good days. And sometime he needed my help with that too- and considered that a good day too because he was with me.

If it sounds like a lot of work- I guess it was. And it was worth it. I loved those days when I woke up and he was still there- when I came home and he was still there. So yes. My life revolved around my terminally ill cat. But it wasn’t a chore and I loved him so much- so it wasn’t like I was giving up much of anything. All the things I did for him seemed like such small things- I’d have gladly done more, given more but I didn’t get the chance.

He died a month later.

Before I lost Wolfie- years before- I brought Cerbie home so that he and Domino could have a little brother or sister to play with- Domino was a high energy puppy and she had grown up to be a high energy dog. Wolfie was getting older and on some days I could tell he got tired just watching Domino run around the yard.

So Luis and I heard about some puppies from our Vet’s assistant. She told us they were Retriver/Mastiff mix and they needed homes SOON- so Luis and I went to take a look.

Right we were just going to look at the puppies.

Cerbie was a sleeping in a puppy pile- and when Luis and I saw that mass of Pups all huddled together we didn’t know what to do- how do you choose just one? Well. All of the sudden these puppies started to roll around- it was like watching lava flowing out of a volcano- and up from the middle of the puppy pile this little face popped out.

That pup took one look at us and ran to the window- threw herself up at it and stood there wagging her little tail and ‘laughing’.

So, I guess you could say Cerbie chose us- and that day  we stopped at the Vets because a few days before Wolife had come home with a nasty scrape to the side of his head that had been caused by running into a tire- on a car- as it was moving. After that he made it his mission in life to pee on every car tire he walked by . He was a bit of a hard case I guess. Why he accepted pets or the moves we made as a family or the kids that were always visiting the house I’ll never know.

I guess he loved us in his own way.

I ran into the house and grabbed Wolfie and popped him into the dog crate with his new ‘baby sister’. I heard a little puppy growl. I heard Wolfie growl back and for the rest of the ride there was an ominus silence with an occasional thud that I thought was just one of the two or maybe both of them rolling around in the crate.

At the Vets I learned  Wolfie  weighed exactly one pound more than Cerbie. He was 10 pounds and she nine.  One day Cerbie would top out at 85 lbs and she was a big dog, but Wolfie was her big brother and all it would take was a twitch of his tail to send her running out of the room or he would walk up to her and sit there and they would do ‘guard dog duty’ at the fence together. When Wolfie and Cerbie were together she was all business dignified in a way.

Cat like almost.

It was last month that I lost Cerbie- it was unexpected, it was heartbreaking, it was on September 17-  five years to the day I found out I was going to lose Wolfgang.

It was later in the week when I finally let myself think about Wolfie and Cerbie – one leaving me on that day and five years before being told that other would be leaving me – I can see how it could be disturbing, it would be easy to think the Universe was really sticking it’s finger in my eye. But I didn’t look at it that way.

Wolfie brought Cerbie home- and when it was time for her to leave I think he was there to meet her- and it was right.

amm

:::Stories about Cerbie:::

I Walk A Little Slower Now

Cerbie

:::Wolfie’s Story:::

Where The Insanity Began

Last year my dog Cerberus- or Cerbie as I called her started to have some trouble walking.

That  didn’t come as a big surprise, she is a big dog and was 10 years old. She was showing her age but she would walk through it for the sole purpose of keeping up with me as I buzzed around my house-flying from room to room to do only God knows what.

Escaping from Demons or fire from the looks of it  because I  always  seemed to be in one big rush.

But when I saw Cerbie struggling on some days to keep up with me I started to slow down. And on the bad days I would stop whatever I was doing to tell her she was my good girl and that I would wait up for her.

And I did.

Sometimes a walk from my kitchen to the living room would take a minutes instead of a second . I considered those moments when I talked to Cerbie until she got up time well spent and I would give her a cookie or two – which I started to carry around with me for moments like that. Those were sweet moments when I think about it.

Over the year Cerbie- who was always by my side slowed down more- and so did I.

I wasn’t slowing down just at home for her.

When I was out I walked slower everywhere and I saw more. I saw more going on around me. I noticed more. I was getting to be a little more patient with everyone around me.  I learned that from Cerbie.

On the last day of her life Cerbie tried to follow me from room to room like she always did.

And then I turned around and she had collapsed Luis and I rushed her to the vet and on our way down there even though she was awake, she didn’t know I was there. I was losing her. I knew it.

When we got her to the Vet’s and I opened up the door to the back seat and one of the Vet’s assistants took a look at Cerbie and said we needed a stretcher that she was a big girl and I started to cry.

” No she isn’t ” I said ” She’s my little girl ” I’m sure I  sounded pathetic  but the young women who were there to help my Girl didn’t bat an eye. They just asked me her name and I said ” Cerbie”

You see, the day I brought Cerbie home when she was a puppy she weighed one pound less than my cat Wolfie. I would swear on a stack of bibles that Cerbie is little- but she was  big – she was a Retriever/Mastiff mix and weighed about 80 pounds- but she was my little girl and I never saw her as anything else.

So not even an hour after she collapsed I made the decision to let Cerbie who was 11 years old and my devoted companion go. I decided to let them put her down. The surgery sounded brutal and there was no guarantee she would make it through that. And my Little Girl who had only once in her life been away from home when she was Spayed and had never been separated from me for more than two months total in her entire life…I didn’t want to think about what it would have been like for her had she  made it through the surgery and maybe lived for a few days  scared in a hospital without her family-  so I said do it.

I’ve heard people talk about being with their pets when this is being done.  But they never said what it was like- I think I understand why. But this is what it was like for us.

They put Cerbie in this nice little room- two Vets assistants had put her on a blanket and were sitting with her on the floor and petting her when me and Luis came into the room.

She was already sedated and when she didn’t try to get up to be near me I died- right then and there my heart broke. I knew if she was even slightly aware of me at that point she wanted to get up and come to us. And she couldn’t. My poor girl.

So we got down on the floor with her the Vet sat down with us and she explained what she was going to do and she asked us if we were ready and I said yes.

First they gave her another sedative and as she did I told Cerbie that she was going to take a nap and when she woke up she would see her brother Wolfie again and Blitzer too- Blitzer was one of three kittens Cerbie took upon herself to raise and make her own.

And then she gave her the final injection and as she did I put my hand on Cerbie, I wanted her to feel me as she slipped away so that she would know that  she had done it. What she always did no matter what.

She was at my side.

What I’m putting up next might be  hard to look at- but they are the last pictures of me and Cerbie as she was passing away and I’m posting them for this reason:

Those last few minutes with Cerbie were painful, they were brutal but they will always be special to me because they were the last moments we had together on this Earth.

And they were beautiful.

a.m.m.

 

You can read a follow up post I wrote about Cerbie and her  family

HERE

a.m.m.