Here’s a little fun little story to take into the weekend with you
I’ve been TOLD it’s true.
All I can say is…please God…let it be so..
Photograph By: Joelle Ligon
Once I heard a story about Seattle-
It was all about toilets-
of course the minute I heard that I was all ears.
::So here is the story:::
Once Upon A Time
in Seattle
everyday
when the tide would come in
all of the toilets along the waterfront would back up and then explode.
The End.
I love Seattle.
Do you hear me?
LOVE IT
So today on my answering machine are calls from
Mortgage Companies
who want me to take advantage of low low interestsrates.
And right after those calls
is a call from someone who wants to talk to me about
Purchasing
Pre Planned Funeral Arrangements.
I toyed with the idea of leaving them all each other’s phone numbers tonight.
You know.
I think I will.
a.m.
LYNNWOOD (WA).– An espresso stand featuring semi-nude baristas that opened next to a preschool and across the street from an elementary school is raising hackles. Story HERE
The Mayor of Lynnwood says this is a ‘touchy’ subject and someone left a comment on this article that reads in part: Please quote the portion of the article that says children can see naked breasts from the school.
You know, why a million more of these stands didn’t open up in Lynnwood right after this article appeared in the Herald I will never know.
So.
What do I think about Coffee being served by girls in their underwear down the hill from where I live?
I hope they don’t spill any on themselves, that stuff is hot.
Yeah.
That’s about it.
There are a lot of reasons why, if you’re going to start kicking the proverbial dog around the block you should not do it out in public.
I was at this snack place when a person I talked to occasionally starts ranting and raving and fuming to me about, ” Obama bailing out those slackers and scammers and rewarding them by buying them a house with OUR tax money. “
” Really. We shouldn’t help to keep people in their homes, we should go let them live on the streets.” I said.
” Hey. They made bad choices. They deserve it.”
That’s harsh. So even though we have the ability to help them, we shouldn’t. ” I asked just wanting to make sure I understood the conversation.
” That’s the way it is.”
” So even though the ability to help is there, we should just not use it.”
” It’s about people thinking they’re entitled to things when they’re not. You just don’t get it.”
” You know, I get it. Really. Like I know CPR- so if you were having a heart attack I could help you. But do you know what? You didn’t take care of yourself so why should I take time out of my day to reward you by putting air into your lungs and massaging your heart ? “It sounds like you may have made some pretty rotten choices in life that damaged your heart and it’s not up to me to bail you out right?”
………….
Well.
Am I right?
Some people count when they are angry and want to cool down.
Some people count sheep when they’re having trouble falling asleep-
neither of things things ever worked for me because I have a total phobia where numbers are concerned and I stress out like you wouldn’t believe when I have to think about them.
So what do I do?
When I get down or angry or have trouble falling asleep I go over the stages of Decomposition.
Look.
It works.
And if you want to try it sometime yourself here they are:
Fresh-
algor mortis sets in
Bloat
Body goes through rigor and livor will be fixed
Active Decay
The body begins to break down at the face and then down to the chest and then to the hands and feet. Active Decay moves faster in warm moist climates and slower in cold climates.
Dry Remains
All soft tissue is gone, only the bones remain. Skeleton maybe intact depending on weather or animal activity. In drier climates the skeletal frame may still be covered by a fine layer of skin.
Um.
I mean
….OM…..
I can feel it working already.
Muffin man, illustrated in Punch
Do you know the Muffin Man?
The Muffin Man, the Muffin Man.
Do you know the Muffin Man,
Who lives in Drury Lane?
Once a teacher asked me, after reading something I wrote,
” where on Earth do you get your ideas from?”
and I said
” From the Muffin Man “
Sure.
It was a creepy answer
but it was also a pretty stupid thing to say to a 14 year old.
Still.
When I start a writing project I think of it as a visit to
The Muffin Man.
And you?
When I was 13 years old I was the biggest freak in the world.
I’m talking a world class freak.
A freak with ugly hair, bad teeth and bad timing because I never got anything right.. oh and did I mention I looked like a freak too?
If you must know this phase of my life lasted well into my 30’s.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I can get away with the same stuff because on top of it all my hair is turning grey and I just look like an eccentric old lady.
Anyway.
All of this started when I was 13.
So what did I do tonight?
I joined a facebook group made up of
-you got it-
People I went to Junior Highschool with and some of them knew me when I was 13.
Kill Me God.
Kill Me Now.
Have you ever read crime novels?
Some crime stories are about people who would rather see you dead then to see someone else have you.
Sort of like what the Republican Party is up to- they would rather see us living on the streets with a life expectancy of 45 and in utter despair then to see anyone else have us
:My Argument:
The Republican Party wants you to believe it has our Country’s best interest at heart.. To show it’s keen interest the drop robocalls on you, they will begin writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making itself available at all times on the TV and Internet.
The Republican Party feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.
The GOP intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences.
Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the GOP that you are not in love with it. It knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The GOP determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.
Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the GOP is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated – in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her.
Members of the GOP are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.
Consequently, the GOP react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration – you.
When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.
:::Where I got this from:::
with some tweaking the above is actually the definition of of an
Erotomaniac Stalker.
I’m lucky.
I take a bus to and from work and for that 25 minutes it takes me to get home ( on a good day that is ) I can talk to my friends on the bus, I can read, eat my Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys and I guess I could take a cat nap now and then but my mouth falls open when I ‘m sleeping so the naps are out.
Sometimes though I stare out the window and count how many people in cars are picking their noses or reading while they drive ( I am NOT making that up ) or I read those signs that tell you about road work or accidents.
I like to read them to remind myself that not driving has it’s rewards- like I don’t have to worry about navigating my way around wrecks or stalled cars.
That’s all I get out of those signs- all they are is electronic road flares. Whatever. Boink they’re there for one minute and I’m gone the next.
Well wouldn’t you know it, somebody somewhere has found a way to hack into those boards and depending on where you live you may have seen messages that read:::
“DAILY LANE CLOSURES DUE TO ZOMBIES.”
“RAPTORS AHEAD — CAUTION.”
“NAZI ZOMBIES! RUN!!!” and “ZOMBIES IN AREA! RUN.”
It does get better
there was also a sign that read:
Photo:Chris Nakashima-Brown
The officials in Texas and Illinois are concerned- they’re afraid that drivers could be distracted by the signs and end up causing accidents.
First of all I’d like to reassure them- I’ve watched lots and lots and lots of drivers talking on phones, putting on makeup, shaving, and in some cases flipping each other off and chasing each other around the freeway while in the midst of road rage.
And guess what.
The freeways are not covered with cars or bodies.
Besides.
Anything that promises me, even in jest, that Zombies are roaming the streets and that packs of Raptors are hiding on the exits waiting to attack unsuspecting commuters
all I can say to that is:
Hey
it’s good for a laugh.
And who couldn’t use a few of those nowdays?
more animals
Today I punched my name into Google
and I tagged a word at the end
and of course it was going to be morbid word.
So
what was it?
Anita Marie Godfrey Obituary.
Anita Marie Godfrey
( my maiden name was Godfrey )
died in
2004
Geeze.
I mean.
I’ve gone and totally depressed myself- that’s something I ususally do to other people-and let me tell you.
I’m really good at it.
I may never recover from this.
Sob.
But hark what is that sound at my door?
Hey Now.
Guess what…the Pizza Guy is here…
WITH CHICKEN WINGS!
Whoo Hooo Everybody.
Life
DOES
go on
and it is sweet…
especially if you add some extra spicy barbecue sauce to it.
Irregular Bones 