Journal

Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

/ Anita Marie / 17 Comments

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When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

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I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

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I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

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Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

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I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

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And a Happy Friday To You Too!

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

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The I.B. Staff (that’s me, Anita) has received genuine hate mail and even a  heartfelt wish that I meet a messy end on the bumper of a garbage truck because I wrote  the following posts:

I wrote a story about a Fortune Teller who didn’t see her own death coming-

( you haven’t lived until somebody named after a goddess and plant threatens to curse your life force to ‘ tormints beyond  imagenation’

I wrote a story about the Queen of Hawaii being forced to give up her throne

( I was invited to leave the States and go back to wherever it was a “ emagratid from ”

And I dared to call JK Rowling an Author.

( I was informed she doesn’t understand the  ” craft ” and the ” writer’s expirience “

…oh and I suck too.)

All I can say is…

Spell Check People!

!Use Spell Check!

this has been an I.B. Public Service Announcement

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I Want a Story

/ Anita Marie / 5 Comments

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I like to take a look at what people are reading on the bus.

Sometimes they’re looking at newspapers, or magazines, or they’re hand (which I’m assuming they’ve got a phone or something down there…at least I hope so).

Over the years every other person had their noses buried in books by John Grisham or Tom Clancy; sometimes I didn’t notice the title because all I saw were those little stickers that proclaimed this work an “Oprah “book.

Without exception I saw that the people who were reading those books looked grim and withdrawn. Their mouths were set in hard lines and when their stop came up they’d take their book jam a marker into place and bury their book in a backpack or purse or briefcase.

Their gestures were clinical and thoughtless.

Unless you’re like me and made it a point to notice what people were reading you wouldn’t know. These books were something that Commuters ‘did’ on the way to work and when they were done commuting they were done with the book.

Of course, Harry Potter changed all of that.

When these people read the Potter books they’re leaning into the book, their faces are animated and when their stop comes up they carefully pop a marker into place and they carry their book under their arms close to themselves.

So today I thought, really, all theories aside what is it about a kid studying magic that really interests us?

And then I thought about my kids and how they used to demand “A Story “at bedtime.

“What kind of story?” I used to ask.

And my kids would say, “A good one.”

This is the kind of story my kids considered “good “and the ones I liked to tell:

We liked stories about good guys who win, about people who are fair, about friends that are loyal and stories where you get the chance to have that moment where you can be the person you know that you really are.

When I’d finish they’d look up and say, ” now that’s a story…a good one.”

Like my kids I think that a lot of us want stories about underdogs that become heroes and heroes that we discover are just people- just like us.

So I’m wondering, why is it now that all of the sudden these themes are finding their way into our everyday lives and hands of people waiting for a bus or sitting in a park or waiting in offices. Why do we crave these stories about a kid who studies magic when a few years ago Attorneys and CIA agents and women who were in ‘search of themselves’ were all the rage and we were perfectly willing to lose ourselves in their lives.

Their lives.

I think I know part of the answer now- and it’s been there all along.

We want a story about heroes and fairness and friendship.

It’s a good story- isn’t it?

Beware The Low Flying Monkeys

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

( Okay, I’ll explain, Low Flying Monkeys is a phrase I used  years ago. Instead of telling people good bye or good luck I’d look them in the eye and say with genuine feeling “Beware The Low Flying Monkeys” 

 It just seemed like good advice to give someone as they hit the road-o-life)

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It’s been one of those days…one of those days where I’m being tested.

Don’t know if it’s by the Big Boss Upstairs or the Other Boss Downstairs but I’m being tested and until I figure this out- well, let’s just say I won’t be shooting fate in the eye with any spitballs.

I found out today that a few months ago my Uncle had a heart attack.

In a Casino.

While he was gambling.

And somebody along the way assured him it was going to be okay because ‘the best hospital in town is located right by the Casinos- because you know, this sort of thing happens a lot.’

Do I laugh or cry?

That is the question.

And until I figure it out I do believe I’ll lay low.

Well, you know for a few hours anyway.

amm

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A Nice Place To Visit

/ Anita Marie / 16 Comments

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When I was a kid, I lived on a neat street.

The kids were neat and the parents were neat and all the kids were in Scout Troops or took swimming lessons at the pool.

They all went on camping trips and had barbeques during the summer and during the winter they all went skiing.

Except for me, of course.

When we first moved to this neat street my parents used to try and force me to play with the neighbor kids and I wouldn’t- I said they were Zombies and that I was pretty sure they’d eaten the last kid who lived in our house.

I remember the way my Dad looked at me the first time I said that. He just shook his head and I’m not sure but I think it was weeks before he said another word to me.

I was nine at the time- so I could be off on that by a bit. 

The problem was I wasn’t a neat kid, I was that weird little kid that didn’t have any friends and never got invited to parties and I got kicked out of Blue Birds because I forgot to bring the treats when it was my turn to do treat day.

Actually the Blue Bird Leader’s daughter kicked me out- I didn’t care because they never got treats that day-, which still makes me laugh when I think about it.

I may have been a weird kid, but I wasn’t a dumb kid and I made it a point to never be with any of these kids alone- or with their parents who smiled too much.

In fact, I used to have nightmares about those kids and their parents and in my dreams they were running me down with their station wagons.I still have those dreams.

Over the years I ran into some of these kids- I drove one to their final resting place in a hearse, a friend of mine arrested one for molesting his children and another is in prison for killing her stepson.

After I kept hearing these stories I decided to take a drive down that Neat Street.

I saw the Neat Parents- they were puttering around their lawns or checking their mail or talking to their neighbors (just like the old days, it’s true some things never change) and I was horrified at how they all looked so worn out and old and tired and I realized those weren’t the Neat Parents-

I was looking at the Neat Kids. 

I slammed my brakes on and pulled visor down and looked in my vanity mirror and checked my face. I don’t know what I was looking for, but it was awhile before I felt calm enough to drive away.

I could hear myself, that nine year old Anita say, “ Told you, they’re Zombies. Now let’s go home.”

And that’s exactly what I did.

I’m Telling!

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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It’s Sunday, this is the day Good People go to Church and talk to God.

I’m not a ” Good People ” so I have to talk to God from my house. This is a good thing in case he gets it in his head to throw a few lightning bolts around when I start talking- at least nobody else will get hurt ( oh sure…like none of you have ever kissed some backside to get ahead ) except for me.

And right now I’m on my way to Hell on the express train so pardon me while I make right with God:

Hi God

I don’t know if you were serious when you put this stuff in your ‘grand plan’ but I figure either the world is about to end or you’re hitting the bottle ( again )

 Zsa Zsa’s Husband was found naked in a car, God it hurts my brain to think of this guy I have to let that one go…and that actress who blamed ” That Black Kid ”  for getting into trouble with the police- she a total flake God and if you could turn her into a pillar of salt I’d be ever so grateful- as would be the rest of the world. 

Oh and this: 

SEATTLE (AP) – In an interview early this year, Pierce County Prosecutor Gerry Horne called Washington state’s death penalty law a “farce” and suggested it is so ineffective that the Legislature should consider getting rid of it. (story here)

This is the definition of a farce: A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.

I don’t think lethal injections or hanging is a farce- I find a lot of things funny but Capital Punishment isn’t one of them.

Ha, that one shorted out your brain too, didn’t it?

I love Science- and when I was a kid I wanted to pilot a space ship. Now I wished I’d stuck with that God because did you know that there’s something called the ” Bottle To Throttle ” Rule at NASA?

No Kidding…in fact it gets even stranger:

Someone working for NASA sabatoged a computer. A Shuttle Astronaut was accused of trying to off a romantic rival and this guy named Himmel, (who retired in 1981 as associate director for what is now Glenn Research Center in Cleveland) said, ” “There’s no perfect system.” ( in regards to Policy at NASA )

I don’t know about you God, but hearing that made me think of the time I rode a roller coaster and my safety belt snapped open and wouldn’t lock- remember that?

It was mid way through the ride and I had to tie my belt closed.

Anyway I’d have tried like hell to get a job with NASA just so I could have front row seats to that freak show.

Well God, as you can see it’s a weird world you made, but it’s funny so I’ll give you points for that.

And if you could help me score another one of those great Egg Rolls like the one I had last year- I’d be a really good person for the rest of my life.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Jesus, I did it wrong again..

I MEAN

See you next Sunday

No- that’s not right either.

 How do you end this thing?

Oh yeah….here we go:

AMEN.

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Sunday I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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This is you Sunday  I. B. PSA

brought to you by  the Old Spice Guy….

Great- this is all we need.

Anita took this quiz over at Max’s Blog

and now she’s running around biting people.

And she tells people her cat is the wack job.

Anyway, stay away from her for the next few days.

This was your I.B. PSA.

Aloof and animalistic, you belong to the Gangrel Clan.

 Closely associated with werewolves, you are the shapeshifting vampire.

 You prefer nature than to live in the city and prefer the company of animals than of humans.

You are more known to keep to yourself then to help others.

 You are the lone wolf of the decendents of Caine.

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

Sing It Now… it’s Aloha Friday!

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

The I.B. Staff

( okay…so it’s just me…Anita Marie

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 the Old Spice Guy

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and the Doll Guy With The Knife )

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Would like to be the first to wish you all a great weekend.

And to start you off

here’s a little song

to take you along….

to wherever it is you want to go

It’s Aloha Friday, No Work ’til Monday Song Lyrics

c 1982 Paul Natto

Here is where I sit, all cloudy and blitzed

with the Primo bottles lying everywhere

Got a guitar in my hand and a Wesson Oil can

Under my okole for a chair.

CHORUS:

It’s Aloha Friday, no work till Monday.

Doo be doo, doo doo be, doo be doo be doo be doo!

(Repeat)

The cousins all here, drinking up my beer

got keikies running everywhere.

I got some poki on the side while mama’s trying to hide

the Miller and the Heineken beer.

(CHORUS)

OK. You know when you wanna get away, I mean one ting

about Friday ma, da working work is ovah yeah.

Frankly, ya, I feel good man.

I work hard all week long.

I can’t wait to get away, you know like down like the beach.

I’m cruise dis weekend yeah, get one hot concert too man,

dat’s the most important ting. But main ting too,

is to get enough money fo gas and to go out to da disco.

I like to see all da beautiful chicks Yeah!

So now I gonna jus kinda cruise, take my Bank Americard,

you know adderwise, how can I get money?

Right, plus den my friends always say

eh braddah, you can buy me one drink then.

THIRD VERSE

Kimo and the crew sucking up the brew

pulehu meat smoking on the side

All the surfers are a-droppin’

while the highschool are a-poppin’

down Kaluakaua for a ride.

CHORUS:

It’s Aloha Friday, no work ’til Monday.

Doo be doo,  doo doo be, doo be doo be doo be doo!

REPEAT

This Morning’s PSA

/ Anita Marie / 10 Comments

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Well Hello There!

Your regular PSA Announcer

is

hiding

I mean

powdering his nose

So I’m going to do today’s PSA

These are blogs that

the I.B Staff

( that’s Anita and that Old Spice Guy ) 

recommend

you visit

If anything, after seeing how erratic

the Staff’s reading taste is

I’m going to look like the Sane One around here

so I’m sure you’ll be seeing lots more of me.

this was your PSA

from

Doll Guy With The Big Knife

Because I Said So

Charlie’s House

Into The Blue

Ke Cute

Man About The House

Mister Peace

Tales From The Naughty Step

nota bene

/ Anita Marie / 19 Comments

 

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Instead of saying

” I could just kill someone right now “

in the hopes people will understand how angry you are

Threaten to turn the Monkeys loose.

People are afraid of Monkeys

and they’re terrified of Flying Monkeys.

They’ll get the point.

Really.

 

This has been an I.B. PSA

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