There’s no question mark in ” What the Hell was that”
because it’s more of a statement
as in
“What The Hell Was That.”
If you have a clue, let the rest of us in on it.
Please.
lifted from
Jokes
It’s A Girl Thing
UCLA STUDYA study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.No further studies are expected |
well…I guess that’s because there isn’t much more to say.
* scored this joke from LORI
Oh and this song just sort of belongs to a joke like this.
The Funny Bone
(meet my readers )
Sometimes my readers don’t send me e-mails about dead things or hate mail-
Sometimes they send me funny stuff too …
like this joke
Three guys were standing at the top of a the Empire State Building
in NYC.
The first guy says to the second, “You know, the wind currents are
so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the
building a literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of
the thermal air current.”
“No way, man, you’re crazy,” said the second guy to the first. So
the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats
out in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of
the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, “watch me do that” as he
steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like
a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement
below–SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to
the first guy and say, “You know something Superman, you are SO not funny”
TEQUILA COOKIES
OR
how I survive the holidays
1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
I Am SO Forgiven
Hi God
You know when we have these chats I get mail and comments and the gist of it is ” blah, blah, sacrilege that blah, blah you’re gonna fry and my favorite: ” gee Anita if you keep this up God will be so busy tossing lightening bolts at you that the rest of us will be in the clear.
Keep Up The Good ( har har ) work.”
I am now one of the saved: Thanks God Inc Guy.
episode 1
my favorite episode
for more God Inc and other enlightening work click here
Oh Boy!
I mean
Amen
and see ya round Lord
Are You English Sir?
nb
Tennant Wins Scotland’s Best Comedy Moment
Nov 29 2007 By Chris Irvine, Scottish Press Association
DAVID TENNANT’S Comic Relief sketch with Catherine Tate was today named Scotland’s greatest comedy moment.
The charity ScotsCare ran the poll to celebrate Scottish comedy on St Andrew’s Day.
The sketch, which won 62 per cent of the vote, features Doctor Who actor Tennant as a Scots school teacher teaching English to Tate’s character Lauren Cooper.
Scots voting in London remained true to traditional comics, with Billy Connolly scoring highest, Rab C Nesbitt taking second place and David Tennant coming third.
More than 500 votes were cast in the search.
A shortlist was devised with the help of three Scottish comedians, Craig Hill, Miles Jupp and Janey Godley, who were present when the final vote took place.
David Tennant said: “Thank you ScotsCare, and thank you to everyone who voted.
“Obviously I’m delighted to be part of Scotland’s greatest comedy moment, but the funny stuff is all down to Catherine Tate, I’m just her bitch.
“But seeing as she’s an unfunny southerner I’ll very gladly accept this great honour.”
ScotCare’s chief executive Willie Docherty said: “St Andrew’s Day is the perfect time to celebrate Scottish achievements and comedy is definitely one of those.
“Scots have a tremendous sense of humour and Scottish comedians are at the forefront of British comedy.”
Laughs For Lexophiles
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all
right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve mo! nths. < BR>
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they alway s multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count
that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in! motion .
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center yo! u’ve se en a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s h elpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Put Your Hands Up and Step Away From The Jack-O-Lantern
Okay God,
I know it’s Sunday, I know it’s time for God Chat but this is serious God and being that you’re in charge of everything I expect that you will have an interest in this.
Yeah, Yeah- I know it’s Saturday but tough it’s Sunday somewhere PLUS Halloween is just days away so we have to settle this NOW.
First of all
I know Global Warming is bad…it’s a sin and the irony that Earth will end up looking like Hell for what we’re doing to it is not lost on me.
but God…God Damn…A Green Halloween?
Healthy snacks? Experience Nature? Linen and dinnerware from The Pottery Barn?
This isn’t Halloween- this is the way they celebrate Halloween at an Old Folks Home-and guess what- most of the old people I KNOW would be laughing so hard at this lame idea that they’d wet their Depends.
And then to make it worse…this Green Halloween group wants a sugar free Halloween…good thing one of the “leaders” has a site you can go to so that you can buy stuff ( impress me…give it away )
Which brings me to this.
Today I read about this Lizzie Borden Halloween Prop that costs THOUSANDS of dollars.
She swings an Ax up and down.
When I was a kid this family had a Haunted House set up in their basement and the Dad used to dress up like Lizzie and chase people around with an ax and he’d be screaming ” Forty Wacks! Forty Wacks for you all! “
and we’d be screaming for Jesus and our Moms.
God, it was pretty darn great and I’ll bet the entire thing didn’t cost thousands of dollars.
and the results?
Priceless.
So God, do us a favor.
Show these Heathens the light.
Halloween is all about life and death
It’s all about celebrating the things we can touch and feel and taste and smell.
It’s about not being afraid of the dark and the things that hide there.
It’s about having one night where you don’t have to whistle
as you walk by a cemetery- you can perform a full on Aria.
On this one night you don’t have to be afraid of things that go bump in the night because you can BECOME that thing that goes bump in the night
For just one night.
That is not asking for to much, is it God?
So I’ll see you Halloween Night- I’ll be the one with the mask on
( har har )
and
ahhhmeeennnnn
Hola Friday!
Okay, it’s Aloha Friday
but I thought I’d shake the Bones
with a new
OH THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY
celebration song and dance
with help from
A Little Spanish Flea
and just in case
here’s the Official Aloha Friday song…cause you know
it IS pretty cool
God and The Daily Show Effect
Hi God,
Something Strange and Mysterious has happened
and I’m
chalking it up to your
Godly Powers.
Either that or you’re drinking again….
but we’ll get to that later.
Anyway, here’s the skinny:
Over the last few weeks Irregular Bones has gone from an
on-line
journal
where I write about my cats and my friends and family and head hunters and civil rights and
homeless people and what my bus rides to and from work are like
and my hero worship of Rod Serling and Bruce Campbell
to
a
NEWS SOURCE.
I kid you not.
So being that I’m trying to get on your good side
( well, at least on Sundays )
I’m prepared to answer your Call:
I have a half a pound of Pez on hand at all times
an endless supply of Jolt cola
a weird sense of humor
and Google at my finger tips.
I am SO going to have fun with this.
Thanks for the Call God,
it’s a good one.
Oh and between me and you
I don’t care what anyone says
YOU ARE FUNNY.
See Ya Next Sunday….
ahhhhmennnnn.
Irregular Bones 
