A Note From Insanity
Jokes
Another I.B. PSA
What What follows is Anita’s Idea of a PSA.
I think she’s making me do this
because I wouldn’t come back out until
the Doll With The Knife left.
He’ll be back though.
She thinks he’s cute.
Save Me.
so here it is….
nota bene
Instead of saying
” I could just kill someone right now “
in the hopes people will understand how angry you are
Threaten to turn the Monkeys loose.
People are afraid of Monkeys
and they’re terrified of Flying Monkeys.
They’ll get the point.
Really.
This has been an I.B. PSA
Say It Like You Mean It
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
Benjamin Disraeli
I was power washing homeless person vomit from off my loading dock today when from out of nowhere I remember this news story about a person who just won the lottery and they said,
” It’s not going to change me, I’m not giving up my job. ”
Man, why apologize for winning? And what is it with this humble thing? You didn’t win the lottery because you’re a good person. You just happened to get the right number or the right ticket and it doesn’t care who you were before you pulled it.Heaven knows I don’t either. Besides if I had won that drawing I’d look like the least deserving person on the face of the planet to win anything.
I wouldn’t be able to help myself.
So as I’m washing the vomit away I figure I might as well hose the pigeon yack from the railing while I’m at it.
And then as the water splashed up from the ground into my face I thought to myself “Oh sure, if I won the lottery I’d want to keep the vomit and my ugly face too. I live for getting the short end of the ‘stick o-life’ jabbed in my eye every darned day. Ooooo, I wouldn’t want to part with any of that!
But I’m honest; I’d look into the camera and say after the reporter asks the question (I would of course be wearing my celebratory Deely Boppers with the little shrunken heads on the tops) and I’d say with sincerity:
“I won’t be in to work because I intend to be on the first plane to California in the morning just in time for that guy who has a TV show about Plastic Surgery to open his office. Count on it, a month from now I fully intend be a brand new Anita who doesn’t have to hose vomit and bird poop from off of a loading dock anymore.
As to my future plans I’m going to be visiting places like Roswell, The Pez Museum and I’m going to Nevada to hang out near Area 51 and get sunburn. At some point in there I’m going to buy about a dozen of those bat house kits and nail them up all over my yard- just to drive my neighbor nuts. If he were smart he’d sell me his house before I get the Honey Bee Farm delivered.
Why?
He hates my cat…anyway-
My life won’t be about enrichment, it’s going to be all about living- which in case you haven’t noticed
YOU CAN’T DO IF YOU’RE WORKING IN A PLACE WHERE YOU NEVER SEE THE DAMNED SUN AND YOU HAVE TO HOSE VOMIT FROM THE STEPS OR YOU COULD SLIP IN THE SLIME AND BREAK YOUR NECK!”
Then I’d laugh, kiss the camera and do the Hula.
And I wouldn’t stop carrying on until they put me down with a tranqualizer dart.
Count on it.
An Onion, A Frog and a Boat or…
It’s the Law Baby
Deal with it.
this is a special report from the I.B. Staff
Our lawmakers here in Washington State have declared that we honor the following:
See this Onion?
It’s called a Walla Walla Sweet Onion.
Don’t mess with it.
It’s got friends in high places in the Washington State Government.
That’s more then I can say for myself and I pay taxes.
Plus I vote.
Now take a good look at this little frog.
It’s called
It’s our official State Amphibian.
It’s only 5 centimeters long
the males are smaller then the females
and their toes are sticky.
Round these parts we call our friend
The Honorable
Pseudacris Regilla
Don’t laugh.
A Paper in Oregon thought what we did was Cool.
God.
And this is our Official State Ship
Actually, this is a good one.
She’s been in the movies
she’s a celebrity
and she’s never forgotten to wear her underwear
We’re proud of her round the old Puget Sound.
Darn Proud.
Sup God?
This is the day I check in with God and tell him about my week.
I’d do it at Church, but I’m banned. I figured that out after I noticed that when I show up there’s like 20 guys who look like Father Merrin lining the walk up to the doors so- I get the hint already.
Dear God,
It’s been a long week.
It’s had it’s moments though.
Here was the biggest news story to come out of Mountlake Terrace this week- two kids stole a car and set it on fire.
Our major local paper actually wrote a story about it.
And God, they put it on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.
I’m not sure what mortifies me more- kids who burn cars or newspapers that write detailed news reports about it.
I have an idea, if you could send an invasion force made up of Flying Monkeys to attack Mountlake Terrace our local paper could write about an issue that really does affect the people of Mountlake Terrace and all of us live this lame ‘news’ story down.
It’s just an idea.
God, I know you promised not to do the flooding thing again but if you could do one of those surgical strikes and wipe out any theatres showing Summer Sequels I’d be ever so grateful.
They’re making us pay to watch repeats God.
That’s so unfair.
Bruce Campbell says in this article ( here ) that Studios are creatively bankrupt.
He’s too kind.
They were never creative to begin with.
Now Almighty One, I like a good laugh now and then too, but that thing you did in Hoquiam.
It was out of control.
Let me refresh your memory.
All these people showed up in Hoquiam for the Senior Babe Ruth state baseball tournament and instead of the smell of peanuts and crackerjacks they got to huff something nasty from the Ocean Protein Fish Meal plant.
Richard Stedman- Olympic Region Clean Air Agency
Something is ‘escaping’?
ESCAPING?
Excuse me while I go hide under my bed for the next 100 years.
Really.
See you next Sunday God.
I mean
Amen
Somethings Never Change
When I was a little girl considered this song my own personal anthem.
And I guess I’d have to say it still is.
So I’m posting the video here with short info piece from my friends at Wikipedia.
Enjoy….
It’s one of those tunes!
ARTIST: Trad and Anon
TITLE: Iko Iko
Lyrics and Chords
[Originally a folk tune, the version “everyone” is familiar with was
popularized by “Jockamo” James Crawford, ~1950, New Orleans]
My grandma and your grandma
Were sittin’ by the fire
My grandma told your grandma
I’m gonna set your flag on fire
/ D – / – A / A – / – D /
{Refrain}
Talkin’ ’bout hey now, hey now! Hey now, hey now!
Iko, iko unday
Jockamo feeno ai nané
Jockamo fee nané
Look at my king all dressed in red
Iko, iko, unday
I betcha five dollars he’ll kill you dead
Jockamo fee nané
{Refrain}
My flag boy and your flag boy
Were sittin’ by the fire
My flag boy told your flag boy
I’m gonna set your flag on fire
{Refrain}
See that guy all dressed in green
Iko, iko, unday
He’s not a man, he’s a lovin’ machine
Jockamo fee nané
{Refrain}
“Iko Iko” (sometimes titled “Aiko Aiko“) is a much-covered New Orleans song that tells of a parade collision between two “tribes” of Mardi Gras Indians. The lyrics are derived from Indian chants and popular catchphrases. The song, under the original title “Jock-A-Mo“, was written in 1954 by James “Sugar Boy” Crawford in New Orleans, but has spread so widely that many people take it to be a much older folk song. The song is closely identified as a Mardi Gras song, but it is equally known as a Top 40 hit and a Grateful Dead song.
The story tells of a “spy boy” or lookout for one band of Indians encountering the “flag boy” or guidon carrier for another band. He threatens to set the flag on fire.
The lyrics of the song are based on Louisiana Creole French. The phrase Iko Iko may have been derived from one or more of the languages of Gambia, possibly from the phrase Ago!, meaning “listen!” or “attention!”. The line from the chorus, Yock-a-mo feen-o and-dan-day echoes the original title amidst Creole palaver.
25 Things My Mom Taught Me
Geeze!
Pull a prank on your kid Sister and pay for it for the rest of your natural life.
Because of an incident involving a nightmare and a Baby Alive Doll my Sister owns me–( see #7 )
It’s a long story but the end result is that she gets to commandeer the Irregular Bones Staff (that’s me and the Old Spice Guy) whenever she wants.
She wants this posted.
And she means it.
amm
Here they are-25 things My Mother taught me
( except for Anita-
she was raised by Wolves )
I mean me –
Old Spice Guy
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next
week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the
store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY .
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have
wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
Oregon Gives Vermont The Spotted Owl
For years and years and years I thought the only purpose Oregon had was to keep Washington State from sliding down into California.
Then Kent Couch took his balloon trip, I heard this interview with a woman who lives somewhere in the wilds of Oregon who kept a rifle above her door to protect herself from ‘bears and those drug kids from Seattle’ and I happen to know now for a fact that the best Salt Water Taffy in the world is made down there.
I’ve been seduced.
I totally fell in love with Oregon.
God, thank you for Oregon- I’d have to say it’s your best work yet.
What follows is a news report that proves it.
I’m going ahead and reprinting a story from the Associated Press here for fear that one day the link will go down and this great story will be lost forever.
DeFazio wants ‘investigation’ into Vermont’s Simpsons win
By Associated Press
SPRINGFIELD, Ore. (AP) – U.S. Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Springfield is still piqued that his hometown wasn’t chosen to host the premiere of the upcoming animated film “The Simpsons,” particularly since “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening is an Oregon native.
In fact, he smells a rat, and has asked U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate – sort of.
In a spoof letter from DeFazio’s office to Gonzalez, he points out that Springfield, Ore., with around 52,000 residents, lost out on the right to hold the premiere to Springfield, Vt., which won a contest sponsored by 20th Century Fox, despite having only 9,000 residents.
“Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud,” DeFazio writes, tongue planted firmly in cheek. “It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?”
DeFazio continues that he’s well aware that many will dismiss his concerns, saying that the Oregon Springfield was simply “rolled” by the giant pink doughnut of Homer Simpson’s dreams, featured prominently in the winning video submitted by Springfield, Vt.
“But I believe there were significant voting irregularities,” DeFazio writes. “Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter.”
Gonzalez’s office could not immediately be reached for comment on the spoof letter.
The letter concludes in true Simpsons fashion: Instead of signing off “Sincerely,” or “Yours Truly,” DeFazio concludes with an “Okiliydokily.”
Despite DeFazio’s efforts, on July 21, Springfield, Vermont’s 100-seat movie theater is slated to play host to the movie, which opens July 27.
ORIGINAL STORY HERE
and of course…here’s a Promo:
Leave A Message At The Tone
It’s Sunday so you know what that means…
God Chat!
So here we go:
Dear God,
I’ve learned something this week: Racists should really remember to use Spell-Check when they send out hate e-mails because the message is lost when something you’re reading looks like it was authored by an 11 year old in need of Ritalin.
Thanks for giving Prince (who happens to be my Favorite Sister’s – okay, she’s my ONLY Sister) the idea to play three shows over 12 hours for his fans in Minneapolis. My sister wasn’t there, but this story about her favorite musician will her feel good – so cool move God. Oh, I liked it because Prince only stopped the show when the Police (the law guys, not the er- you know ‘ band’ ) told him to.
I love a Rebel.
And I would like to thank you Mighty One
for moving someone to create this.
It has Pirates it has Johnny Depp
It’s a Wild Thing
But I think I love it.
ps I had one of those Crunchy Egg Rolls on Wednesday- you know the one I pray for every Sunday? Well, it was pretty close and I really enjoyed it.
Okay, see you next Sunday.
I mean, Amen.
amm
Irregular Bones 