Jokes

God IS Funny

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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Well Hello There!

You came by to go to Church with Anita?

Anita The I.B. Writer?

Are you kidding?

I thought she was banned…oh she prays on line.

I get it.

Well she’s not here,

Look, she left a note- you want to read it?

Yeah, she wrote it on the wall in purple crayon…she’s been in a mood this week.

Right…I know, I know it says ” God ” but she’s been looking at everyone and saying, ” God ” or ” Jesus Christ “- so you know I’m sure it’s okay.

 

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Dear God

I thought you might be dropping by for a Chat.

To be honest I haven’t even thought about

what made this long freaking week you cursed me with

a good one.

I know that I’m good for a laugh now and then God

but for once,

 I’d like somebody else to be the butt of your jokes.

Oh wait….you know…I guess you DID have some fun

with someone else…

like with these guys:

Rescuers head for stranded and disoriented deputies

By KOMO Staff

SKAMANIA COUNTY, Wash. — Seven of the ten county sheriff’s deputies who spent Saturday night stranded on Dog Mountain has been successfully rescued, according to the Skamania County Sheriff’s Office.

The men had become stranded on the rugged gorge terrain after becoming disoriented while pulling thousands of marijuana plants from a grow on the east side of Dog Creek, 10 miles east of Stevenson, Undersheriff David Cox said.

 

And really God did you think it was funny when that guy in Prosser got bit by the rattlesnake after he chopped it’s head off?

I mean, that’s just warped.

And then this guy says, “It still gives me the creeps to think that son-of-a-gun could do that,” he said.

I didn’t laugh at that God, but I’ll bet you did.

And then there was this story in our Local Paper

where the burning question was

” Should Your Spouse Go (to your highschool) Reunions “

and really God

the obvious answer is

“Only if they don’t want you to be going to their Funeral

in the upcoming weeks.”

Funny God

Har, Har, Har.

Okay God…it’s true Prayer is good for the Soul

I just figured out you didn’t spend all week picking on me.

So you might want to check your toothpaste God.

SOMEBODY may have replaced it with a tube of  hemroid cream

SORRY

I mean

See you next Sunday

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( if I don’t get turned into a pillar of salt before then )

AND

Amen

 

 

 

 

HUMANS NEED NOT ATTEND

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

Planners prep for mysterious party at Gas Works Park

Story Updated: Aug 10, 2007 at 8:20 PM PDT

By KOMO Staff

SEATTLE – A mysterious party planned for Saturday at Gas Works Park is the talk of the town.

Gas Works neighbors have been watching 60 planners transform the park for the expected 300 guests, and the question on everyone’s mind: who’s throwing the party?

GO ON TAKE A GUESS…

 

HERE ARE SOME OF MINE:

 

PINHEAD

FROM THE HELLRAISER MOVIES

 

PINHEAD

FROM THE HELLRAISER MOVIES

 

PINHEAD FROM THE HELLRAISER MOVIES

AND WON’T EVERYONE BE SURPRISED

 

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Irregular Notes From An Irregular Mind

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

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I have a great collection of post it notes that I keep in my journal (it’s made of paper and I actually WRITE in it). Some of them are funny, some are warped, and some could get me sued so I thought I’d share them here.

amm

To be attached to a flaming arrow and air mailed to that guy:

Your dog doesn’t hate black people, you do. Quit saying that.

 I mean it.

However, my Cat DOES hates you and if you keep trying to pet him he’s going to chew your fingers off and then how will you be able to give the finger to that nice Mexican family that everyone likes except for you?

Think about it

Notes to my friends:

YES YES YES the story about the woman who committed suicide around Halloween of 2005 by hanging herself at the side of the road and was mistaken for a Halloween decoration is true.

Stop asking me if when I die I want to be mistaken for a Halloween Decoration too- you warped little monkeys.

You all better hope there really is nothing to the art of Zombification because I have a candidate list all drawn up and here it is….

Ha.

As if.

In regards to my hometown:

It’s true, if you google Mountlake Terrace and look through the pictures of my fair town you’ll find this picture mixed in with pictures of churches and trees and houses for sale and a baby in a flowerbed.

Figures.

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                             Parasitic Mite on Earwig Pincher –

Next Up…I’ll do a post about the calls that get left on my answering machine.

You’re going to love it.

amm

To thine own self be true

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments


You Are 68% Open Minded
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You are a very open minded person, but you’re also well grounded.
Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.
But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.
You’re open to considering every possibility – but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

An I.B. Screaming- I mean Screening

/ Anita Marie / 14 Comments

The Management…that’s Anita

wants this to go out as

a

PSA

the guys who normally do the PSA’s

are hiding.

They’ll pay for that.

Count on it.

Anyway…

She says this is art

and fine film making

and needs to be shared with the world.

Kill Me God.

Now.

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Isn’t That Special?

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

so the caption reads: 

THE VOICES ARE TELLING ME TO KILL

YOU…..

and the first thought that pops in my head is:

GET IN LINE CHAMP.

An I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

 

 There’s a difference between Women and Ladies

and how they deal with life.

Here are a few examples:

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LADIES –

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix.

REAL WOMEN –

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes”.

 

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LADIES –

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives cares?

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LADIES –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

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LADIES –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN – 

Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don’t have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

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LADIES – 

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN –

Go to the bakery they’ll even decorate the pain in the neck for you.

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LADIES –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN –

Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don’t do it.

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LADIES –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN –

Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it.

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And finally the most important tip….

LADIES –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN –

Leftover wine??

Hello ???

 

this psa was brought to you by

the I.B Staff

and The Doll Guy With The Big Knife

 

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