Yes you read that title right- and the song is pretty catchy and I would like to thank Joanne for bringing it to my attention- REALLY!
Joanne is REAL and she did tell me about it…
So there.
amm
Joke
Put Your Hands Up and Step Away From The Jack-O-Lantern
Okay God,
I know it’s Sunday, I know it’s time for God Chat but this is serious God and being that you’re in charge of everything I expect that you will have an interest in this.
Yeah, Yeah- I know it’s Saturday but tough it’s Sunday somewhere PLUS Halloween is just days away so we have to settle this NOW.
First of all
I know Global Warming is bad…it’s a sin and the irony that Earth will end up looking like Hell for what we’re doing to it is not lost on me.
but God…God Damn…A Green Halloween?
Healthy snacks? Experience Nature? Linen and dinnerware from The Pottery Barn?
This isn’t Halloween- this is the way they celebrate Halloween at an Old Folks Home-and guess what- most of the old people I KNOW would be laughing so hard at this lame idea that they’d wet their Depends.
And then to make it worse…this Green Halloween group wants a sugar free Halloween…good thing one of the “leaders” has a site you can go to so that you can buy stuff ( impress me…give it away )
Which brings me to this.
Today I read about this Lizzie Borden Halloween Prop that costs THOUSANDS of dollars.
She swings an Ax up and down.
When I was a kid this family had a Haunted House set up in their basement and the Dad used to dress up like Lizzie and chase people around with an ax and he’d be screaming ” Forty Wacks! Forty Wacks for you all! “
and we’d be screaming for Jesus and our Moms.
God, it was pretty darn great and I’ll bet the entire thing didn’t cost thousands of dollars.
and the results?
Priceless.
So God, do us a favor.
Show these Heathens the light.
Halloween is all about life and death
It’s all about celebrating the things we can touch and feel and taste and smell.
It’s about not being afraid of the dark and the things that hide there.
It’s about having one night where you don’t have to whistle
as you walk by a cemetery- you can perform a full on Aria.
On this one night you don’t have to be afraid of things that go bump in the night because you can BECOME that thing that goes bump in the night
For just one night.
That is not asking for to much, is it God?
So I’ll see you Halloween Night- I’ll be the one with the mask on
( har har )
and
ahhhmeeennnnn
Hola Friday!
Okay, it’s Aloha Friday
but I thought I’d shake the Bones
with a new
OH THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY
celebration song and dance
with help from
A Little Spanish Flea
and just in case
here’s the Official Aloha Friday song…cause you know
it IS pretty cool
God and The Daily Show Effect
Hi God,
Something Strange and Mysterious has happened
and I’m
chalking it up to your
Godly Powers.
Either that or you’re drinking again….
but we’ll get to that later.
Anyway, here’s the skinny:
Over the last few weeks Irregular Bones has gone from an
on-line
journal
where I write about my cats and my friends and family and head hunters and civil rights and
homeless people and what my bus rides to and from work are like
and my hero worship of Rod Serling and Bruce Campbell
to
a
NEWS SOURCE.
I kid you not.
So being that I’m trying to get on your good side
( well, at least on Sundays )
I’m prepared to answer your Call:
I have a half a pound of Pez on hand at all times
an endless supply of Jolt cola
a weird sense of humor
and Google at my finger tips.
I am SO going to have fun with this.
Thanks for the Call God,
it’s a good one.
Oh and between me and you
I don’t care what anyone says
YOU ARE FUNNY.
See Ya Next Sunday….
ahhhhmennnnn.
Boo God!
Where have I been?
Funny One God.
Let’s Get to it, shall we?
So God, I was surfing the net for Halloween stuff and I kept running across these stories about Christians wanting to ” take Halloween back ” or asking if they should celebrate it at all.”
Here’s the short answer.
No.
Okay God?
Just in case that’s not clear enough here’s the long answer:
No! No! No!
I don’t go into church and make everybody in there read Stephen King and I don’t make the Congregation dress up like zombies or ghouls for Sunday Services and I happen to think that some of those Church songs are nice so I would never make them sing those ” Haunted Favorites ” with the sound effects in the background ( let’s face it though, I bet more people would go if ….never mind ) Okay…so tell them alright? I mean, don’t they have to listen to you? Isn’t that in the rule book Bible somewhere?
Yeah…I thought so.
Now the second thing I want to chat about are these Wonker Heads that sent me hate mail just because I believe in Human Rights.
I know they’re your children God and you love them- probably in the same way I loved that Cyclops Kitten. It was so deformed and helpless and must have been so afraid that you just couldn’t not care about it.
But Christ, could you make sure they use spell check? Like if one of these er, individuals, take the time to write me a letter and threaten me the very least you could make them do is run spell check so that the fake name those Chuckle-Heads use is spelled right.
Yeah, okay it is funny but still.
And forgive me God because in the spirit of Halloween I told someone an Urban Legend was a true story even though I knew it wasn’t.
Which one?
It was the one about the woman who goes to Mexico and after she gets back this boil on her face pops open and hundreds of baby spiders crawl out.
Hey, don’t get all Godly on me, the person I messed lost her last brain cell to bleach about 30 years ago and she always calls me ” Sen-your-eada “
She knows I don’t like her, so why she asked me about this one is weird. I’m guessing it’s because ” Sen-your-eada Ahneeeedah ” ( as she likes to call me) looks like one of them ” Mexican People ” and she probably thinks I’d know all about Mexican Infestations “
Hear My Prayer Lord….please have her ask me another….please?
And see you here next Sunday…got that…here…
Oh almost forgot….
aaaaahhhhmennn.
NB
So There!
It’s A Pacific Northwest Thing
Food and Politics
It’s “safe” to talk about those two things together…
It might make you fat
but your Soul won’t be
threatened
Cool.
my friend Al sent this to me…
“Over here in the blue states… it’s chicken…
not good old fashioned tasty fried chicken… oh heck no… we’re talking about some free range granola eating no artificial anything chickens…
thing of it is, we’re only allowed to eat skinless chicken breasts out here in the PNW.
Don’t know what they do with the rest of the chicken, but I’ve never seen it make it’s way to a dinner plate. But good news is it’s only on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday… Friday is Fish…”
and that my friends is another story…
She Who Laughs Lasts
It’s Funny
Really.
amm
Note From My Mom
Dear God
Please Excuse My Daughter From God Chat
This Sunday
She’s out trying to do some good in the world
Sincerely
Anita’s Mom
Dear Anita’s Mom
Tell Anita she’s excused and if she scores one of those
for me
I’ll call it good.
Yours Truly
God
Jerry Johnson, foreground, and Don Clifton model the “Ride the S.L.U.T.” T-shirts they created to poke fun at the original acronym of the South Lake Union Streetcar. The shirts are sold at the Kapow! coffee shop in the neighborhood. (Note: Johnson was misidentified in the original caption.) (September 18, 2007)
FULL STORY HERE
Sorry I Missed Your Call
Hi God
Sorry I wasn’t here to take your call but leave a message at the beep and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
Hi Anita
You’re not funny. Call me back.
God, you have no one to blame but yourself for that.
Anita, this is your Lord God
I expect you to obey my commands.
Call me.
Hi again God
My Cat expects the same thing, but I just lock him in my work room with food and water and put him on ignore mode.
He also goes to the bathroom right in front of the door, think about it.
Return my call- I mean it.
God damn, You’d really pee on my floor?
Maybe I need to remind you, I flooded the world. Start Praying.
WELL FINE!
Here’s it is My Lord God
…..
if you think that a Pee Threat
is going to get to me
try again
See you next Sunday
and
ahhhhhmennnnn
Irregular Bones 