is
brilliant
Joke
In The B.G. Time
- Photo: Somadjinn
Back in B.G. ( that is before GOOGLE )
way back in the olden days we may have been a little less informed but we had a lot more fun.
Like when 500 Miles by the Proclaimers came out a bunch of my friends asked me what
what “haverin’ ” meant and I said
I didn’t know
which was a lie
and they didn’t believe me so I said it’s the sound guys made when they, um, were happy… you know in bed…
and they thought it was true
and sometimes
they’d say it in that context.
God.
Sometimes I really hate the Internet.
Seriously
cover version
500 Miles
by
The Toy Dolls
Teen Girl Rat War
Seriously.
Did you know Teenage Goth Girls are into having Pet Rats?
There’s a market for it.
Oh.
I learned about it from Chris:
When All Else Fails…LOL!
Day One
There is Nothing Like A Doomsday Scenario To Kick Off The Weekend
- Comic From: nataliedee.com
It’s Two-Thirds Too Long
Cool Yule
So it’s cold, it’s snowing, maybe it’s not the Christmas you exactly wished for.
But at least there are a few laughs to be had….
YouNews contributor "steeproute" sent in this photo Wednesday morning of a snowman on the beach in Seattle's Magnolia neighborhood.
Fractured Christmas Carols
Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Deleted by a.m.-yeah it was bad really bad.
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air? A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too? Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live Christmas tree?" A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life. Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail
Why is Prancer always wet? Because he's a rain-deer
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can?t hear you! What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you!
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along
with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You’ll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
Same Planet, Different Worlds…
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary
Day 983 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to
my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now …
:::where I got this from-my husband-who probably thinks my cat wrote it::::
Mad Love
A Macabre Tale of Love
Photograph(s) copyright Shaun O’Boyle
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
Photograph(s) copyright Shaun O’Boyle
The Vet Who Did Not Vet
A Cautionary Tale
Irregular Bones 