Humour

Is It That Time Of The Month Again?

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

Yes indeed, it’s Sunday.

Time to have my weekly chat with God.

I know, I know

If  I were really serious about this I’d do it every day

 but if my Mom found out I call God more then her?

She’d bust me open like a crispy Lumpia.

So anyway here we go:

 

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Dear God,

I want to thank you for a pretty good week.

Nobody that I know died- besides I knew you wouldn’t approve so I kept my hands to myself.

Thank you for creating the Universe so that I can now spend Thursdays watching ” Burn Notice “.

I think it’s wonderful that the role of floozy/spy is a man who is almost 50 years old and never shaves and wears Aloha Shirts. I like it that he credits his income and home on the beach to ” those little blue pills’.

You truly inspired someone there God and it was darn fine work.

Thank you for the heat wave that has hit the Pacific Northwest.

I was about to go out and spray something that would kill my lawn just so I wouldn’t have to mow it and woo hoo in three days you killed it dead.

God, the timing on that one, I mean I was touched.

It really felt like you were watching over me there.

I owe you for that one.

 I’d also like to thank you for this:

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I walk around saying ” The Orange Ones Are Poison ” and I love -DO YOU HEAR ME- love the look people get on their faces when I say it…which is often.

By often I mean every chance I get.

And above all else thank you for aiding me on the Crispy Egg Roll Search. I’m getting closer to finding it God and I know that after these many blessings this one shall too come to pass.

Bye-

I mean

Amen

and see you next Sunday.

amm

Whose Special Day Is It?

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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I changed this from something I saw at Chefleur’s blog  

because I”m like that.

The way it worked was that

you were supposed to find holidays and

historical things that happened on your birthday.

 

Here is what I learned about

November 5th. 

– amm-

 

November 5, 1979- Ayatollah Khomeini declares the USA to be “the great Satan”

Actually, I remember this when it was on the news. My mom looked up from my birthday cake- which was red velvet with black frosting- stared straight into my eyes and said, ” I don’t think so.” 

November 5,1780 – French-American force under Colonel LaBalme is defeated by Miami Chief Little Turtle.

An Invader Guy gets his butt whomped by a Native American guy named Little Turtle on my birthday. God I love that.

November 5,1605 – Gunpowder Plot: A plot led by Robert Catesby to blow up the English Houses of Parliament is thwarted when Sir Thomas Knyvet, a justice of the peace, finds Guy Fawkes in a cellar below the Parliament building.

My Niece was born on Cinco de Mayo and I was born on Guy Fawkes day. I sense a pattern here…

November 5,1935 – Parker Brothers releases the board game Monopoly.

The only game I can play, win and cheat at. Yes, the only game I’ve ever mastered and it was released on my birthday.

That’s destiny

and it all happened on

November 5th

And Then My Brain Exploded

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

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I’m standing around talking to my friends when this acquaintance walks up, slams her purse down and rants about her unpleasant lunch experience.

She went to three restaraunts and “do you know what?” she asks us.

None of the menus were in English- well, they were but they were on these laminated cards that came inside of the menus and that really offended this woman.

They weren’t the ‘actual’ menus and damn it she said, ” this is American and the menus should be in English.

So she walked around wasting a half hour of her hour lunch and by the time she got her food her lunch hour was up.

That didn’t bother her though.

What really bothered her was that before she got to an ” American Restaurant ” she fumed about the wait staff at the three other restaurants she had stopped at and how they all ‘ spoke “Ching Chang Cho”. This is happening in America where we should all speak English she raves.

So I wait for this woman to stop talking because I want to chose my words carefully and not lower myself to calling her an in-bred cousin marrying’- seven finger on each hand genetic freak.

When she stops I say carefully, kindly, patiently “But you went into China Town for lunch. ”

” So? ” she snaps.

” They speak Chinese up there- some Japanese, Filipino- you know, it’s China Town. ”

” Well, they should speak English.”

” But it’s China Town.”

” Well this is America ”

” Uh, sure- but you went into China Town for lunch. What exactly did you think you were going to find up there? ”

And then this woman says without missing a beat, ” Mexican Food.”

07-06-07 Sux Report

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

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Just when I think that everything is okay I have enough for a SUXS report- so here it is.

An 11 year old girl in Alabama was charged with drunk driving after leading police on a 100 MPH chase.

This SUX’s because someone will write a song about it and everytime a pickup truck, probably a Toyota with those gigantic wheels and a gun rack in the back window, stops beside me at a traffic light I’m going to be forced to listen to that piece of junk.

You know,  this is going to be the major SUX so I’ll leave it at there.

Besides, I’m sure there’s more on the way.

News That Matters- to me anyway

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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(okay, its a picture of The Old Spice Guy…not me deal with it)

BEIJING (AP) – Villagers in central China spent decades digging up bones they believed belonged to flying dragons and using them in traditional medicines. Turns out the bones belonged to dinosaurs, and now scientists are doing the digging

You know, I can’t really find fault with this- it looks weird but so what? Myself, I would hope that in these modern times you wouldn’t have to resort to rock eating to cure what ails you.

In my mind that is wrong.

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I just checked out the Summer Movie Guide. Guess what I won’t be doing this summer?

And I was really counting on scoring some of that yummy theatre popcorn. All I can hope for is that the Indie Film People come up with something worthwhile otherwise I’m going to have to cough up 10.00 just to satisfy a craving for greasy popcorn.

I’ll do it- that’s how desperate I am.

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There’s this woman who leads a group opposed to Mexicans living any where on the face of the planet and over the weekend I found out that she put a picture of a Latina activist  friend of my family on her website, as well as the name and address of our friend’s employer.

That wasn’t news but it should be, I mean, how often is it that you get to see a real life hit list?

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And on a way lighter note today the Roswell UFO Festival started.

Ever since I got mail and comments from friends who chewed me out for  ‘encouraging’ the UFO fantasy I’ve come out in a big way to support this festival.

First of all, I hate it when people try to reach into my head and re-wire it to suit their own needs. Second, the stories that these people are telling are just to good to let go of.

I hope they’re having fun down there today.

They’ve earned it.

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amm

Today’s Sux Report

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

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Another I.B. Public Service Announcement 

Scooter Libby is going free

And

 Fireworks are banned in my hometown.

Today

” The World “

Suxs.

Tune in Daily for your

I.B. Sux Report

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

News FLASH

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

A Reporter Insists

on

Reporting the Actual News.

Be afraid you useless Talking Heads

The Rest Of You…

Pass this on…it’s truly inspiring.

A Little Help Here…

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

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It’s Sunday, so I’m going to do a little prayer here…and if you stand clear as I say it the chances of you being hit by a bolt of lightening are pretty slim so here it goes….

Dear God- Please help me not laugh hysterically this week at the ignorance of others- like those Nazis my husband faced down over the weekend up in Everett.

See, they were yelling what I call ‘ Taco Bell ‘ brand Spanish at him – no one – not even the people who could speak Spanish could figure out what they were saying.

Someone else  thought they may have Googled Redneck English To Spanish Phrases but considering how many people DON’T speak English as a first language in this world someone at GOOGLE may have messed with that option….

I’ll be honest here  Lord, because I know you can read my mind anyway, I would have.

Anyway God, you’d think that people would be smart enough to know that you can’t really learn anything from a talking dog- but some of us Dear Lord are not that smart.

I’m Praying for Them and for myself God.

And if you can swing it God please help me not roll my eyes up into my head and say something smarmy every single time someone says ” Paris Hilton. “

First of all I’m doing this so often now that I’m afraid my eyes will get stuck up there and second of all I know for a fact it really isn’t nice to make fun of the mentally challenged.

I’ve never done it before and it’s a little late at my age to turn into a schoolyard bully- so give me some help here, I could use it.

Last of all Oh Great One, please see that I get to score one of those Super Crunchy Egg Rolls this week- the ones cooked to perfection and just stuffed with baby shrimp-  it’s out there God and with your help I know I can find it and munch it and quiet that vicious Egg Roll Demon that lurks inside of me.

I’m done.

Oh…umm  wait this is the part where I’m supposed to say Amen right?

 Okay.

Amen.