Humour

An I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

 

 There’s a difference between Women and Ladies

and how they deal with life.

Here are a few examples:

vi9.jpg

LADIES –

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix.

REAL WOMEN –

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes”.

 

************************************************

LADIES –

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives cares?

**************************************************

LADIES –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

**************************************************

LADIES –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN – 

Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don’t have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

**************************************************

LADIES – 

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN –

Go to the bakery they’ll even decorate the pain in the neck for you.

**********************************************

LADIES –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN –

Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don’t do it.

***********************************************

LADIES –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN –

Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it.

************************************************

And finally the most important tip….

LADIES –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN –

Leftover wine??

Hello ???

 

this psa was brought to you by

the I.B Staff

and The Doll Guy With The Big Knife

 

chucky1.jpg

 

FYI

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

m06c10ia.gif

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a TRUE FRIEND will be sitting next to you saying, damn…that was fun!

Source unknown.

Sunday I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

 

Okay…this is an emergency I.B. PSA

That means that the I.B. Managment found something REALLY IMPORTANT  that the public needs to be informed about-

 she also thinks that Flying Monkeys, PEZ and this movie called ” Bubba Ho-Tep are REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT too so keep that in mind when you pop over and see how the 10 Commandments have been Criminized.

Don’t ask…just click THIS

and remember…I just work here.

bruce6.jpg

 

Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

/ Anita Marie / 17 Comments

exorcist.jpg 

When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

image2.jpg

I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

aptalien.jpg

I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

image2.jpg

Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

image2.jpg

I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

5977.jpg

 

The Bumbo Collection

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

4ed9c9ca-6943-442e-bfbb-d16f3c164043.jpg 

 

Listen Up!

Laugh

– it keeps you from yelling-

this has been an I.B. PSA

brought to you by

the “s”mart guy

 

 

And a Happy Friday To You Too!

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

1169988171-11687214098641.jpg

The I.B. Staff (that’s me, Anita) has received genuine hate mail and even a  heartfelt wish that I meet a messy end on the bumper of a garbage truck because I wrote  the following posts:

I wrote a story about a Fortune Teller who didn’t see her own death coming-

( you haven’t lived until somebody named after a goddess and plant threatens to curse your life force to ‘ tormints beyond  imagenation’

I wrote a story about the Queen of Hawaii being forced to give up her throne

( I was invited to leave the States and go back to wherever it was a “ emagratid from ”

And I dared to call JK Rowling an Author.

( I was informed she doesn’t understand the  ” craft ” and the ” writer’s expirience “

…oh and I suck too.)

All I can say is…

Spell Check People!

!Use Spell Check!

this has been an I.B. Public Service Announcement

bruce41.jpg

 

Beware The Low Flying Monkeys

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

( Okay, I’ll explain, Low Flying Monkeys is a phrase I used  years ago. Instead of telling people good bye or good luck I’d look them in the eye and say with genuine feeling “Beware The Low Flying Monkeys” 

 It just seemed like good advice to give someone as they hit the road-o-life)

101dal3.jpg

It’s been one of those days…one of those days where I’m being tested.

Don’t know if it’s by the Big Boss Upstairs or the Other Boss Downstairs but I’m being tested and until I figure this out- well, let’s just say I won’t be shooting fate in the eye with any spitballs.

I found out today that a few months ago my Uncle had a heart attack.

In a Casino.

While he was gambling.

And somebody along the way assured him it was going to be okay because ‘the best hospital in town is located right by the Casinos- because you know, this sort of thing happens a lot.’

Do I laugh or cry?

That is the question.

And until I figure it out I do believe I’ll lay low.

Well, you know for a few hours anyway.

amm

cat-silhouette-1.jpg

It’s A Joke!

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

  

jokes don’t have to be gross

to be considered 

sick….

 Two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

…… In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

“You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late

and we’re all gonna die.”

bruce6.jpg

brought to you by the I.B. Staff

under duress from the

Management

I’m Telling!

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

vie13022.jpg

It’s Sunday, this is the day Good People go to Church and talk to God.

I’m not a ” Good People ” so I have to talk to God from my house. This is a good thing in case he gets it in his head to throw a few lightning bolts around when I start talking- at least nobody else will get hurt ( oh sure…like none of you have ever kissed some backside to get ahead ) except for me.

And right now I’m on my way to Hell on the express train so pardon me while I make right with God:

Hi God

I don’t know if you were serious when you put this stuff in your ‘grand plan’ but I figure either the world is about to end or you’re hitting the bottle ( again )

 Zsa Zsa’s Husband was found naked in a car, God it hurts my brain to think of this guy I have to let that one go…and that actress who blamed ” That Black Kid ”  for getting into trouble with the police- she a total flake God and if you could turn her into a pillar of salt I’d be ever so grateful- as would be the rest of the world. 

Oh and this: 

SEATTLE (AP) – In an interview early this year, Pierce County Prosecutor Gerry Horne called Washington state’s death penalty law a “farce” and suggested it is so ineffective that the Legislature should consider getting rid of it. (story here)

This is the definition of a farce: A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.

I don’t think lethal injections or hanging is a farce- I find a lot of things funny but Capital Punishment isn’t one of them.

Ha, that one shorted out your brain too, didn’t it?

I love Science- and when I was a kid I wanted to pilot a space ship. Now I wished I’d stuck with that God because did you know that there’s something called the ” Bottle To Throttle ” Rule at NASA?

No Kidding…in fact it gets even stranger:

Someone working for NASA sabatoged a computer. A Shuttle Astronaut was accused of trying to off a romantic rival and this guy named Himmel, (who retired in 1981 as associate director for what is now Glenn Research Center in Cleveland) said, ” “There’s no perfect system.” ( in regards to Policy at NASA )

I don’t know about you God, but hearing that made me think of the time I rode a roller coaster and my safety belt snapped open and wouldn’t lock- remember that?

It was mid way through the ride and I had to tie my belt closed.

Anyway I’d have tried like hell to get a job with NASA just so I could have front row seats to that freak show.

Well God, as you can see it’s a weird world you made, but it’s funny so I’ll give you points for that.

And if you could help me score another one of those great Egg Rolls like the one I had last year- I’d be a really good person for the rest of my life.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Jesus, I did it wrong again..

I MEAN

See you next Sunday

No- that’s not right either.

 How do you end this thing?

Oh yeah….here we go:

AMEN.

101dal3.jpg

Sunday I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

bruce6.jpg 

This is you Sunday  I. B. PSA

brought to you by  the Old Spice Guy….

Great- this is all we need.

Anita took this quiz over at Max’s Blog

and now she’s running around biting people.

And she tells people her cat is the wack job.

Anyway, stay away from her for the next few days.

This was your I.B. PSA.

Aloof and animalistic, you belong to the Gangrel Clan.

 Closely associated with werewolves, you are the shapeshifting vampire.

 You prefer nature than to live in the city and prefer the company of animals than of humans.

You are more known to keep to yourself then to help others.

 You are the lone wolf of the decendents of Caine.

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?