Humour

Ho Ho Your Mama!

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

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for the love Santa’s Tiny Reindeer… 

somebody….tell me this is a joke 

 

 

Santas warned ‘ho ho ho’ offensive to women

Wed Nov 14, 9:45 PM ET

Santas in Australia’s largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas’s traditional “ho ho ho” greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney’s Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say “ha ha ha” instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use “ho ho ho” because it could frighten children and was too close to “ho”, a US slang term for prostitute.

“Gimme a break,” said Julie Gale, who runs the campaign against sexualising children called Kids Free 2B Kids.

“We are talking about little kids who do not understand that “ho, ho, ho” has any other connotation and nor should they,” she told the Telegraph.

“Leave Santa alone.”

A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was “misleading” to say the company had banned Santa’s traditional greeting and it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself.

A Totally Self Indulgent Post

/ Anita Marie / 1 Comment

These are stories I care about…that’s why 

 Aliens involved in Crash

  

 

Okay, here’s the skinny….I found out if I put stories up with ‘ Alien ‘  in it I get massive hits from State, Federal and City Employees WHO SHOULD BE DOING THEIR JOBS INSTEAD OF GOOFING OFF ON THE INTERNET ALL DAY

What is it with you guys and Aliens?

ahem

 

The Weird Holiday Gift Catalog Has Arrived!

YAY!

Hey folks! If you’d like to see the WEIRD NEW JERSEY 2007 Holiday catalog click HERE

Weird New Jersey…if these guys were screenwriters I’d actually start going to the movies again.

 

!!!!PIE!!!

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PIE…THAT’S WHAT MY FRIEND TONY SAYS…

 HE’S RIGHT YOU KNOW

PREP TIME 

20 Min
SERVINGS & SCALING
Original recipe yield: 1 -9-inch pie

US METRIC

    

About  scaling  and  conversions

INGREDIENTS

  • 4 ounces cream cheese, softened

  • 1 tablespoon milk

  • 1 tablespoon white sugar

  • 1 1/2 cups frozen whipped topping, thawed

  • 1 (9 inch) prepared graham cracker crust

  • 1 cup cold milk

  • 2 (3.5 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding mix

  • 1 (15 ounce) can solid pack pumpkin puree

  • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

  • 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

  • 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

 

DIRECTIONS

  1. In a large bowl, whisk together cream cheese, 1 tablespoon of milk, and sugar until smooth. Gently stir in whipped topping. Spread into bottom of crust.

  2. Pour 1 cup of milk into large bowl, and thoroughly mix in pudding mix, pumpkin, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves. When thickened, spread over cream cheese layer.

  3. Refrigerate 4 hours, or until set.

  4. EAT!

Are You English Sir?

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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Tennant Wins Scotland’s Best Comedy Moment

Nov 29 2007 By Chris Irvine, Scottish Press Association

DAVID TENNANT’S Comic Relief sketch with Catherine Tate was today named Scotland’s greatest comedy moment.

The charity ScotsCare ran the poll to celebrate Scottish comedy on St Andrew’s Day.

The sketch, which won 62 per cent of the vote, features Doctor Who actor Tennant as a Scots school teacher teaching English to Tate’s character Lauren Cooper.

Scots voting in London remained true to traditional comics, with Billy Connolly scoring highest, Rab C Nesbitt taking second place and David Tennant coming third.

More than 500 votes were cast in the search.

A shortlist was devised with the help of three Scottish comedians, Craig Hill, Miles Jupp and Janey Godley, who were present when the final vote took place.

David Tennant said: “Thank you ScotsCare, and thank you to everyone who voted.

“Obviously I’m delighted to be part of Scotland’s greatest comedy moment, but the funny stuff is all down to Catherine Tate, I’m just her bitch.

“But seeing as she’s an unfunny southerner I’ll very gladly accept this great honour.”

ScotCare’s chief executive Willie Docherty said: “St Andrew’s Day is the perfect time to celebrate Scottish achievements and comedy is definitely one of those.

“Scots have a tremendous sense of humour and Scottish comedians are at the forefront of British comedy.”

Theme Song Friday

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

After careful thought The I.B. Staff

 That would be me……

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 The Doll with the Knife….

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and the Old Spice Guy…..

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Have finally come up with  a theme song for

The Wonderful Irregular Bones Blog 

here it is…

are you excited yet?

Okay….calm down…we have decided on:

T’aint No Sin To Take Off Your Skin

(and dance around in your bones)

No…don’t do it you silly people!

That’s the name of the song.

Enjoy!

When you hear sweet syncopation
And the music softly moans
T’ain’t no sin to take off your skin
And dance around in your bones

When it gets too hot for comfort
And you can’t get an ice cream cone
T’ain’t no sin to take off your skin
And dance around your bones

Just like those bamboo babies
Down in the South Sea tropic zone
T’ain’t no sin to take off your skin
And dance around your bones

For A Good Time Call…

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

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Hi God!

Betch’a missed me round the old Pearly Gates..ha, just kidding.

Like I’d hang out there- that Velvet Rope stuff is so elitist…

Instead I’ve been learning about what happens when the gene pool gets to shallow

 so here we go

today I’m putting some of it in

GOD CHAT

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Lord I wonder if you understand that if you want to scare people into being good you shouldn’t make them laugh…

When I was a kid my Mom used to threaten to spank us with this wooden spoon- which was pretty funny because she wasn’t into that spanking gig, plus by the time I was 10 I was five inches taller then her and my brother was this low functioning dweeb that would laugh at anything so the entire discipline thing sort of fell apart when she’d start screaming in her Hawaiian accent about how bad we were.

She sounded like one Betty Boop on speed.

So anyway God…if you want me to marvel at your works ( and not snicker ) don’t create people like the lot in Oregon ( God I do love those guys down there ) who ran around stealing Garden Gnomes and then they put all of gnomes ( all 75 ) on one lawn.

The Police took the Gnomes into custody…and if you’re missing one you can check their website- oh and just to show you this is real here’s the report and the pictures of the…um, victims- though the person who woke up to find these things staring into their windows will probably be in therapy for a very long time

SPRINGFIELD POLICE DEPARTMENT

( hey that’s the town THE SIMPSONS are from!

amm )

______________________________________________________________________________

INCIDENT: CASE # Criminal Mischief/Found Property 07-10284

DATE/ TIME: 10/17/07 @ 1743 hours

LOCATION: ( deleted by amm )

______________________________________________________________________________

NARRATIVE OF INCIDENT: A resident of the Thurston area of Springfield called the Police on 10/17/07 to report that someone had placed numerous lawn ornaments in the yard of the residence sometime the previous evening. A Community Service Officer responded to the location and found approximately seventy five lawn ornaments placed in an orderly manner on and around the front lawn. These lawn ornaments were primarily animal and gnome type figurines and were likely taken from other residences at various times.

Springfield Property control personnel would like to return those items to the owners and have decided the most efficient way to do this would be to place photographs of the various ornaments on the Springfield Police web site, www.ci.springfield.or.us\police\media.htm.

If you received this by FAX and not e-mail, you may obtain photos by calling 726-3721

FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION CONTACT: Capt. Richard Harrison 726-3721

NEWS RELEASE COMPLETED BY: Brent Carpenter 726-2326

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Now there’s a lot you gave us here to be thankful for in the Pacific Northwest Lord…and I look high and low for these things every day. I’m inclined to look low because you know…that’s the way I am.

This was a tough call though like is it high or lowbrow news?

See years ago I was in this accident on the freeway and the person who got their first was a Washington State Patrolman with freckles and he looked just like Ron Howard back when he was on ” Happy Days “.

I didn’t laugh at the way his voice cracked, or the way he called me ” Ma’am ” . Nope what got me was the little bow tie that’s part of the Washington State Patrol Uniform.

I think the guy on the Maytag Commericials wears the same one.

Anway.

I tried so hard not to laugh God…but I did.

And then I made up an excuse for my outburst of rapid fire snickers and snorts that shot snot straight out of my nose and all over my windshield.

I said I’d hit my head.

Okay it was a lie and I paid for it because as soon as that came out of my mouth everyone who was showing up ‘ at the scene ‘ took it very seriously. For me it was a night of X-Rays and being woken up every couple of hours to be asked if I knew what my name was.

So today I find out our Washington State Patrol…just look:

OLYMPIA, Wash. – It’s a look that lead-foot drivers know all too well: the crisp black bow tie and blue “Smokey Bear” hat of a Washington State Patrol trooper. And according to a national trade group, the outfits are the best-looking state police uniforms in the country

Quit toying with me God.

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Okay, this deserves some sort of divine retribution on your part and I’m talking real Fire and Brimstone action on your part ( may I remind you that you only promised to not flood anybody anymore…I checked ).

The city of Mountlake Terrace is making a man scuttle a pirate ship he built  for his kids in his yard.

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According to our ahem  our ” Code Enforcement Officers ” ( no I did NOT make that up…that’s what they’re called) it violates city building codes.

Heaven help us- it’s a Pirate Ship and unless it sails down the middle of the street and runs over one of my cats I don’t care what anyone puts in…

their own yard.

Especially if it’s something as awesome as a Pirate Ship….at least it’s not a giant garden gnome ( sorry…sorry….couldn’t resist ).

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So there it is God….this is what you created right in front of my nose this week…other people may wonder why I pay attention to this and talk to you about it…

But what can I say- I love a good sense of humor.

Keep up the good works

See ya round

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and

ahmmmennnn

 

 

 

Laughs For Lexophiles

/ Anita Marie / 1 Comment

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all
right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve mo! nths. < BR>
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they alway s multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count
that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in! motion .

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center yo! u’ve se en a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s h elpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Put Your Hands Up and Step Away From The Jack-O-Lantern

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

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Okay God,

I know it’s Sunday, I know it’s time for God Chat but this is serious God and being that you’re in charge of everything I expect that you will have an interest in this.

Yeah, Yeah- I know it’s Saturday but tough it’s Sunday somewhere PLUS Halloween is just days away so we have to settle this NOW.

First of all

I know Global Warming is bad…it’s a sin and the irony that Earth will end up looking like Hell for what we’re doing to it is not lost on me.

but God…God Damn…A Green Halloween?

Healthy snacks? Experience Nature? Linen and dinnerware from The Pottery Barn?

This isn’t  Halloween- this is the way they celebrate Halloween at an Old Folks Home-and guess what- most of the old people I KNOW would be laughing so hard at this lame idea that  they’d wet their Depends.

And then to make it worse…this Green Halloween group wants a sugar free Halloween…good thing one of the “leaders” has a site you can go to so that you can buy stuff ( impress me…give it away )

Which brings me to this.

Lizzie Borden

Today I read about this Lizzie Borden Halloween Prop that costs THOUSANDS of dollars.

She swings an Ax up and down.

When I was a kid this family had a Haunted House set up in their basement and the Dad used to dress up like Lizzie and chase people around with an ax and he’d be screaming ” Forty Wacks! Forty Wacks for you all! “

and we’d be screaming for Jesus and our Moms.

God, it was pretty darn great and I’ll bet the entire thing didn’t cost thousands of dollars.

and the results?

Priceless.

So God, do us a favor.

Show these Heathens the light.

Halloween is all about life and death

It’s all about celebrating the things we can touch and feel and taste and smell.

It’s about not being afraid of the dark and the things that hide there.

It’s about having one night where you don’t have to whistle

as you walk by a cemetery- you can perform a full on Aria.

On this one night you don’t have to be afraid of things that go bump in the night because you can BECOME that thing that goes bump in the night

For just one night.

That is not asking for to much, is it God?

So I’ll see you Halloween Night- I’ll be the one with the mask on

( har har )

and

ahhhmeeennnnn

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Hey Dawg I mean Gawd

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

 

Hey Big “G” look who stopped by for God Chat

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…just messin’ with you Dawg.

Okay, here we go:

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Hi God how’s your week been?

Mine has been boodles of fun-

First off this group that hates… Gays and Lesbians and Transgender people…oh and brown people and people who aren’t Christian Extremists like themselves and they probably even hate that cute little dog from the Taco commercials because they think he’s “illegal” came to Lynnwood, Washington to hold a rally.

 

There’s a good part God, there were more people OUTSIDE protesting then there were people inside attending the meeting itself.

Somy friends and me stood outside and waved signs and had a good time supporting our community.

The best part was the cars with families that honked and waved and yelled good job.

My personal favorite was the guy who was driving this big truck that slowed down and yelled, “ Love for us all. “

The bad part is that one of the groups’ ‘leaders’ is involving himself in local politics.

Ahem.

Oh and Lord of Wonders, I know you love those stories about the Mountlake Terrace City Council- but I don’t have any new ones. Don’t get all high and mighty on me, that divine intervention thing is in your department.

 

Now Lord, there this woman who wants people to celebrate a sugar free Halloween– that’s the kind of thinking that should get you assigned to the short bus and we both know it. Don’t think I’m letting this Halloween thing go- if Church people aren’t trying to make it ‘Church Friendly’ then Granola Heads are trying to make it healthy.

 

What next? Will we have to worry about Valentines coming under attack because the disembodied hearts remind people of human sacrifice and temple steps in South America drenched with blood….and heyyyyy….

 

 

No- if I mess with that one, every Jeweler and chocolate manufacturer in the on the planet will be after me.

And last but not least, if you forgive me for having bad thoughts about you for letting my cat die, then I’ll forgive you for the fact that the Halloween Monster Fest on AMC really, really sux this year.

Pax?

Good.

Take Care

See you way later

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And

Ahhhhemennnn

Hola Friday!

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

Okay, it’s Aloha Friday

but I thought I’d shake the Bones

with a new

OH  THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY 

celebration song and dance

with help from

A Little Spanish Flea

and just in case

here’s the Official Aloha Friday song…cause you know

it IS pretty cool