If It Was Great The First Time…
Humor
“ZOMBIES IN AREA! RUN.”
I’m lucky.
I take a bus to and from work and for that 25 minutes it takes me to get home ( on a good day that is ) I can talk to my friends on the bus, I can read, eat my Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys and I guess I could take a cat nap now and then but my mouth falls open when I ‘m sleeping so the naps are out.
Sometimes though I stare out the window and count how many people in cars are picking their noses or reading while they drive ( I am NOT making that up ) or I read those signs that tell you about road work or accidents.
I like to read them to remind myself that not driving has it’s rewards- like I don’t have to worry about navigating my way around wrecks or stalled cars.
That’s all I get out of those signs- all they are is electronic road flares. Whatever. Boink they’re there for one minute and I’m gone the next.
Well wouldn’t you know it, somebody somewhere has found a way to hack into those boards and depending on where you live you may have seen messages that read:::
“DAILY LANE CLOSURES DUE TO ZOMBIES.”
“RAPTORS AHEAD — CAUTION.”
“NAZI ZOMBIES! RUN!!!” and “ZOMBIES IN AREA! RUN.”
It does get better
there was also a sign that read:
Photo:Chris Nakashima-Brown
The officials in Texas and Illinois are concerned- they’re afraid that drivers could be distracted by the signs and end up causing accidents.
First of all I’d like to reassure them- I’ve watched lots and lots and lots of drivers talking on phones, putting on makeup, shaving, and in some cases flipping each other off and chasing each other around the freeway while in the midst of road rage.
And guess what.
The freeways are not covered with cars or bodies.
Besides.
Anything that promises me, even in jest, that Zombies are roaming the streets and that packs of Raptors are hiding on the exits waiting to attack unsuspecting commuters
all I can say to that is:
Hey
it’s good for a laugh.
And who couldn’t use a few of those nowdays?
Day One
There is Nothing Like A Doomsday Scenario To Kick Off The Weekend
- Comic From: nataliedee.com
Cool Yule
So it’s cold, it’s snowing, maybe it’s not the Christmas you exactly wished for.
But at least there are a few laughs to be had….
YouNews contributor "steeproute" sent in this photo Wednesday morning of a snowman on the beach in Seattle's Magnolia neighborhood.
Fractured Christmas Carols
Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Deleted by a.m.-yeah it was bad really bad.
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air? A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too? Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live Christmas tree?" A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life. Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail
Why is Prancer always wet? Because he's a rain-deer
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can?t hear you! What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you!
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along
with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You’ll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
Day Eight
:::: A Twelve Day Journey To Christmas Day-
OR
Will Anita Marie Get Her Fiji Mermaid THIS Year?:::
Today
On
Day Eight
Having Dodged The Bullet
I Go In Search Of
Another
We were supposed to have a windstorm
here in Washington State
and some of us here did.
We were suppose to be sitting here in the cold and dark
and some of us are.
So every time I hit a light switch, or when I sat down to write
my first reaction was to laugh hysterically
and my second was to be grateful.
I mean Churcy Grateful.
Which doesn’t happen often to me
as the Big Guy Upstairs
and I
have had issues this year with each other.
However.
As I considered my Fiji Mermaid-less life, my lack of Christmas Spirit and the mindless, thoughtless ” Holiday Greetings” I’ve received from people who don’t bother to find out if I’ve lived or died over the year I’ve concluded that
I’m so glad I have been at home,
keeping to myself
with the lousy weather as an excuse to not be out in the world
for fear that I’ll run into someone ( while shopping…shudder ) and when they ask
” So how’s your Christmas Shopping coming along? “
I know that will call what posses me forth and suddenly
The Christmas Demon in me will appear,
her will spin her head around a few times just like Linda Blair’s in the Exorcist and when she stops she will shriek, ” what do you care, you’re not getting anything anyway.”
I hope it snows some more.
I don’t think I’m ready to face a world full of Christmas.
Yet.
That’s Right, It’s Snowing
Here in Washington State we just don’t have regular old snow- HELL NO
We have Thundersnow
Trap us on the Freeway here in Washington?
Oh.
I think not.
In this image from a Department of Transportation traffic camera, a driver who apparently abandoned their vehicle walks down State Route 520 Thursday morning.
What you don’t see here is that a few minutes after this picture was taken cars started to turn around and drive the wrong way down the Shoulder ( behind this pedestrian ) so that they could get off of the freeway.
fyi
you can click the pictures to get to the orginal news stories.
And if you think that here in Snohomish County we just build snowmen or ride sleds down one of our many hills or drive to the Malls and spend all day there eating Salted Pretzels and drinking Coffee with fancy French and Italian names because school was cancelled and we couldn’t get to work so we stayed home
HA HA ON YOU!
We do stuff like this:::
Snow Dare: Jayden trying to sit in the snow filled chair as long as he can.
Now for the best part of Snow Days
The Comics!
Stay Warm Everybody and if you ARE warm remember- to much Sun is bad for your skin.
Ha.
a.m.
Sometimes You Just Do It To Yourself
I’m not a hard person to shop for at Christmas- I don’t care about stuff, I just like opening the packages and being surprised.
Which means that I’m really hard to shop for because people think that I won’t say what I want…and when I do give it up and say what I want those same people think I’m kidding so these are the things that I have asked for and have never, ever received and probably never will.
Knives.
I wanted a set of those fancy knives that all good Cooks have in their kitchens.
I’m actually a great cook and I’d have to be because I use one knife and it’s never been sharpened. So really I can work miracles in the kitchen.
In case you’re curious
I will probably never get a set of knives from anyone I know because I write about people getting their heads chopped off… A LOT…oh and I was a Mortician.
And I have a temper.
Next:
I have asked and asked and ASKED again for a
Fiji Mermaid.
Yes I AM serious.
I think they’re cool.
And after 35+ years of asking I haven’t seen a Monkey /Fish toy, model, picture or keychain under my Christmas tree.
I suppose I will never get a Fiji Mermaid because- geeze I don’t know, I guess it’s because when I’ve been asked, ” Are you serious? ” I just roll my eyes around and walk off.
Something with Two Heads.
Actually what I wanted was a Pickled Punk.
I wanted something in a jar that I could name Bixy or Lil’ Chunkles and all I know is that after years of begging I have an empty shelf in my room with no Jar…oh wait I do have one full of fake eyes that float in water but that doesn’t count because I bought it for myself.
I can’t explain the Pickled Punk no show under the tree situation. I guess there’s no way anybody in my family is going to go to a store and asked for something dead in a jar to give to someone at Christmas…even if that someone is me.
Well.
I can’t fault my nearest and dearest for not twisting Santa’s otherwise open and giving hand to give me the present of my dreams-
I did it to myself.
I just ask for weird stuff.
So.
This year I’m going traditional.
This year I’m asking for something old fashioned.
Okay.
Fingers crossed everyone
and
Merry Christmas!
LOL It’s Christmas
Vampires SUCK!
My Thanksgiving Note To All
PLEASE NOTE
I am Thankful For:
Godzilla Movies- because when I was a kid it was nice to see a big monster make grown-ups ( who looked teeny tiny people ) cry like babies.
My husband- and I’m not saying that because I desperately want Pirate Boots for Christmas, I’m saying that because I’m going to GET Pirate Boots for Christmas.
My family who not only accept me in all of my weirdness they can do it with a smile on their faces ( okay, so they’re laughing hysterically, whatever- sometimes you have to take what you get )
My friends out here in the real world who put up with me in the cyber-world and support my writing- just by reading it- no kidding,-like it’s not enough to deal with me- on top of that they deal with my weird stories about cannibals and graveyards and the stuff I write here.
They’re Saints I tell you…SAINTS.
I’m also thankful for my Cats and my Dogs because they remind me everyday that I’m not an island, that what I do affects the world around me and that one good deed can without a doubt not matter-
but you should do them anyways.
And of course, I’m thankful for Bruce Campbell and David Tennant and Swing Music and of course Mozart.
So as I spend Thursday in self indulgence mode, I am going to be thankful for the world around me and for the people and thing inside of it
and I’m going to enjoy it all.
I hope you do to.
Happy T-Day
from
Anita Marie
Irregular Bones 