Humor

Biting The Dog

/ Anita Marie / 15 Comments

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I have this rule about Fridays- I don’t take any crud with me from the week into the weekend or the bright shiny new week that starts on Monday.

Except for this time.

There were little things and big things that were done to my friends and family that- you know -I do believe I’ll deal with.

What changed you may be wondering.

I can’t ignore the fact that there are some things that people say or do 

that have to be answered for and accounted for.

So why I have made an exception

this time?

Because now I’m a writer with BIG imagination.

See Ya.

amm

An I.B. Screaming- I mean Screening

/ Anita Marie / 14 Comments

The Management…that’s Anita

wants this to go out as

a

PSA

the guys who normally do the PSA’s

are hiding.

They’ll pay for that.

Count on it.

Anyway…

She says this is art

and fine film making

and needs to be shared with the world.

Kill Me God.

Now.

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An I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

 

 There’s a difference between Women and Ladies

and how they deal with life.

Here are a few examples:

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LADIES –

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix.

REAL WOMEN –

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes”.

 

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LADIES –

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives cares?

**************************************************

LADIES –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

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LADIES –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN – 

Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don’t have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

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LADIES – 

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN –

Go to the bakery they’ll even decorate the pain in the neck for you.

**********************************************

LADIES –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN –

Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don’t do it.

***********************************************

LADIES –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN –

Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it.

************************************************

And finally the most important tip….

LADIES –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN –

Leftover wine??

Hello ???

 

this psa was brought to you by

the I.B Staff

and The Doll Guy With The Big Knife

 

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FYI

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a TRUE FRIEND will be sitting next to you saying, damn…that was fun!

Source unknown.

Sunday I.B. PSA

/ Anita Marie / 3 Comments

 

Okay…this is an emergency I.B. PSA

That means that the I.B. Managment found something REALLY IMPORTANT  that the public needs to be informed about-

 she also thinks that Flying Monkeys, PEZ and this movie called ” Bubba Ho-Tep are REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT too so keep that in mind when you pop over and see how the 10 Commandments have been Criminized.

Don’t ask…just click THIS

and remember…I just work here.

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Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

/ Anita Marie / 17 Comments

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When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

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I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

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I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

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Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

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I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

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The Bumbo Collection

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

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Listen Up!

Laugh

– it keeps you from yelling-

this has been an I.B. PSA

brought to you by

the “s”mart guy

 

 

And a Happy Friday To You Too!

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

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The I.B. Staff (that’s me, Anita) has received genuine hate mail and even a  heartfelt wish that I meet a messy end on the bumper of a garbage truck because I wrote  the following posts:

I wrote a story about a Fortune Teller who didn’t see her own death coming-

( you haven’t lived until somebody named after a goddess and plant threatens to curse your life force to ‘ tormints beyond  imagenation’

I wrote a story about the Queen of Hawaii being forced to give up her throne

( I was invited to leave the States and go back to wherever it was a “ emagratid from ”

And I dared to call JK Rowling an Author.

( I was informed she doesn’t understand the  ” craft ” and the ” writer’s expirience “

…oh and I suck too.)

All I can say is…

Spell Check People!

!Use Spell Check!

this has been an I.B. Public Service Announcement

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Beware The Low Flying Monkeys

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

( Okay, I’ll explain, Low Flying Monkeys is a phrase I used  years ago. Instead of telling people good bye or good luck I’d look them in the eye and say with genuine feeling “Beware The Low Flying Monkeys” 

 It just seemed like good advice to give someone as they hit the road-o-life)

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It’s been one of those days…one of those days where I’m being tested.

Don’t know if it’s by the Big Boss Upstairs or the Other Boss Downstairs but I’m being tested and until I figure this out- well, let’s just say I won’t be shooting fate in the eye with any spitballs.

I found out today that a few months ago my Uncle had a heart attack.

In a Casino.

While he was gambling.

And somebody along the way assured him it was going to be okay because ‘the best hospital in town is located right by the Casinos- because you know, this sort of thing happens a lot.’

Do I laugh or cry?

That is the question.

And until I figure it out I do believe I’ll lay low.

Well, you know for a few hours anyway.

amm

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