On The Fourth Day

All  Major Side Affects Should Wear Off 

 

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On the fourth day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Four calling birds, 
Three French hens, 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree.

One Christmas, I’m not sure how it happened, but I ended up with my 3 Nieces in the back of my Jeep ( and NO they were not in the trunk- Jeeps don’t have trunks ) and we were going to THE MALL to see Santa.

There are so many things wrong with that picture- but I was feeling all Holiday-ish and the girls are funny in a Grateful Dead Fan on heavy meds way so I agreed and off we went.

When we got to THE MALL there was a sort of line and my nieces who were 9, 4, and 6 were pretty quiet for once- which sort of had me worried off the bat because every once and awhile I’d see them looking at each other and winking when they thought I wasn’t I wasn’t paying attention.

Little did they know- I always know when fresh Hell is being unearthed.

It’s in my nature.

So it starts the minute we get our turn to take pictures with Santa.

The girls get posed and the youngest  is on Santa’s lap and my Oldest Niece says, ‘ Tia, where’s baby Joe? “

So right away I see a bunch of people start looking around for ‘ Baby Joe’ and the Hell Raiser Alert light in my head starts to flash off and on.

For reasons yet to be understood my youngest son had nicknamed my cat ” Baby Joe ” and the girls had never liked that name so when I see them pass ‘the look’ to each other my Hell Raiser Alert goes on Full Alert Mode and my other Niece says, ” She locked him in the laundry room because he tried to steal food off of the counter again.”

” Tia, ” my oldest Niece says ” why won’t you let Baby Joe eat? “

” Cut it out ” I hiss- I mean it I HISSED because right there in front of Santa and his Elves my Nieces were doing something to me that their own Mother ( my youngest Sister ) had been afraid to do for her entire life

They were messing with my head.

Anyway, Santa and his Elves and a few Parents look like they’re going to make a mad run for Child Protective Services- which is conveniently located across the street from THE MALL.

” There is no Baby Joe ” I tell an Elf who is convinced I’m a liar but she goes to the camera anyway and sets up the shot.

The girls smile ( apparently through their pain and concern for ‘Baby Joe’), they get their pictures taken and wouldn’t you know it one of the Elves leans over and hands my oldest niece a candy cane for ” Baby Joe”.

” Oh for God Sakes. ” I start walking away and the girls are running after me and they’re snickering and giggling and every once and awhile they’d snort ‘ Baby Joe ‘.

When we got to my Jeep they’re looking very pleased with themselves and I’m trying to figure out which of my relatives put them up to this stunt when this guy- desperate to get into my parking space- tries to pull in before I’m backed all the way out-

and my Nieces are in the back- and when I turned I could see the headlights stop inches- inches away from the door my oldest Niece is sitting next to.

Well before I can get out of my car to tell this guy about my fully developed plans for his impending death he’s at my window in a panic asking if anyone is hurt, he’s sorry etc etc and then he shuts up and backs up and almost slips and falls and I’m thinking he’s drunk.

And I turn around and look into my backseat and my Nieces are doing something that I had spent countless hours teaching them-

they’ve pulled their eyelids up and rolled their eyes up so that only the whites were showing-

and they’re drooling.

My throat tightens up and I bury my face in my steering wheel.

And wouldn’t you know it- that  Christmas morning Santa brought the girls exactly what they asked for that day at THE MALL.

He even brought something for Baby Joe.

 

Only 9 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.

 

 

 

 

I.B. Letter To Santa

 

Dear Santa,

You know that line ” What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas ” ?

It’s a lie.

I’ll FAX my Christmas list to you

xoxoxox

Anita Marie

On The Third Day

We Toss Out The Left Overs 

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On the third day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Three French hens, 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree.

 

A few years ago my bus got caught in a snow storm and the going was slow.

S-L-O-W

So me and my friends told jokes, we told stories, we ate the Christmas Candy and food some of us had brought home from work parties that day.

Somebody busted into the wine bottle I had in my backpack (a gift from an oh-so generous Secret Santa) and someone else made a game out of the five of us drinking it without the other passengers catching on.

Oh Sure.

Nobody did.

Anyway.

Seeing that the other passengers were nervous about being stranded on the freeway and were openly worried about having to walk home or other such real and uncomfortable options me and my friends decided to cheer everybody up by telling stories at the top of our lungs

– about –

THAT TIME WE GOT STUCK ON THE BUS

The worst time was when there was a shooting, the gunman was loose on I-5 or was near it ( I forget the particulars ) so law enforcement shut the freeway down.

It was warm that day.

One of my bus friends decided after an hour or so to start talking about lakes and oceans and water fountains and Italian Sodas.

By the time he was done- (we remembered with hysterics) half the bus had to go to the bathroom, and we bet that the other half would have drank it.

AND THEN THERE WAS THAT OTHER TIME

The bus broke down and they promised that another bus was going to stop and get us…of course it didn’t and we watched it speed on by- but hurray! There was a  second bus that came right up behind it about 15 minutes later and we thought it was going to pull in front of us so we could all get on.

Instead it stopped right along side of our bus.

I could see what was happening.

My brain locked.

” No.” I started to pound on the window like that kid in the horror film” Audrey Rose ” and I start yelling over and over ” No! For the love of God No!”

What is it? Everyone is asking me.

” It’s broken down…our rescue bus is BROKEN DOWN!”

AND WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME

We were stuck on the freeway because the Driver had called in and requested that someone come out and put chains on the bus because when the pavement is black and twinkling and big fluffy flakes are starting to fall, it’s safe to say that unless you’re a Polar Bear you probably shouldn’t  be out there driving around without a little traction.

 So thinking that no one was really listening except for my usual bus pals I told the story about that time me my friends and sneaked into this graveyard and built a massive snow fort  and snow-people all around the grounds and how we even decorated one of the trees and how we later called the Funeral Home and blamed the entire mess on the college students who thought it was cool to hold seances and burn black candles on the headstones and things like that.

” Wow, you and your friends were evil little kids ” someone told me

and I said

” You know, like we did that two weeks ago. “

Ho Ho Ho

Only 10 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.

 

On The First Day…

The Spirit of Christmas Gets The Bird

 

On the first day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
A partridge in a pear tree.
 

This is all about the cold blooded murder of my Christmas Spirit- or maybe it was more like Manslaughter.

Anyway.

The crime took place at the bookstore I managed.

It was an hour or so before we closed.

This is how it happened:

A man wanted an ” Oprah Book Club ” selection to give to his wife for Christmas – now there was a novel idea ( no pun intended )- which was shared by every single man in America who knew his wife was an Oprah fan.

Of course we were sold out- and so where all the other bookstores in the bookselling world.

 Now keep in mind that these guys were in a bookstore with lots and lots of other books that were almost as good as Oprah’s.

Did they chose one of those?

Hell no.

They were clueless.

To be fair, some of these guys probably only came in once a year to buy the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition- and we keep those up front so it’s not like they cruised the shelves checking out the literature- not with the Swimsuit Girls in their hands.

Anyway- Mr Husband walks up to my employee and asks for ‘THE OPRAH BOOK’ and my employee says, sorry blah, blah, blah”  and she was far more empathetic to this guy then I or anyone else in the book-selling Universe would have been after being verbally assaulted over and over again because we didn’t have ‘THE OPRAH BOOK’ two freaking days before Christmas.

This guy rolls his eyes up to Heaven, not caring that Jesus and the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future were probably looking down at him and says, ” Let me talk to your Manager. “

I introduce myself and ask how I can help and he looks at my 17 year old employee and says, ” you need to fire this useless piece of garbage- “

I said to this guy in the same voice I would use as a Funeral Director ( when things would start to go sideways with the family) ” It’s a good thing there really isn’t a Santa otherwise you’d probably be getting coal in your stocking this year- and like that’s only if Santa bothered to stop by your house at all.”

It’s true.

I said that.

My employee spent the next few weeks asking me if I was going to get fired for saying those things- and when I wasn’t fired I turned in my notice.

 R.I.P

Spirit of Christmas

YOU SURE DID KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME

 

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Only 12 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.

Why Science People All Have Had Broken Noses

They come up with stuff like this

that’s

why 

Engineering Analysis of Santa Claus

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

  1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
  2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
  3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
  4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
  5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

 

Tis The Season

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Guess what…I did a Holiday Slideshow…click the Hearse and join the fun!

TEQUILA COOKIES

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 OR
how I survive the holidays

    1 cup of dark brown sugar
    1 cup (2 sticks) butter
    1 cup of granulated sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
    1 tsp baking soda
    1 tsp salt
    1 tsp fresh lemon juice
    1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
    2 cups all-purpose flour
    1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

 
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
 
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
 
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.
 
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.  Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
 
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
 
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
 
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.  Check the Jose Cuervo.
 
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
 
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
 
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. 

Norad Tracks Santa

this clip is from 2007 but the link below will go to

NORAD

2008

Click the link below to track Santa

NORAD TRACKS SANTA 2008

 

For Wolfgang on Día de los Muertos

If your memory serves you well
           We’re going to meet again and wait  
    So I’m going to unpack all my things
    And sit before it gets too late 
No no one alive will come to you
With another tale to tell  
    And you know that we shall meet again 
      If your memory serves you well

 Dylan and  Danko

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Wolfgang A. Mozart

aka

Insanity Jones

July 1991- October 17, 2007

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how Wolfgang became Insanity:

explained in a letter to my friend Heather Blakey:

…Anyway, Wolfie does some strange things. Once he got mad at me for DARING to shoo him of the bed  when I was changing the sheets and he went outside to the walk in front of my window when it was just pouring down rain.

He sat there with his back to me, just twitching and slamming his tail on the ground.

Well, I know a tantrum when I see one, so I left him out there.

 He was literally sitting in a puddle by the time I checked on him the second time. I had to go outside and pick him up. It was like picking up a stone statue of a cat because he wouldn’t move a muscle. Oh, and he managed to do that dead weight drop so he went from 14 to I swear 30 pounds in the space of 15 minutes.

The day that happened I started calling him Insanity Jones whenever he did weird things.

amm

Stories Inspired by Wolfgang aka Insanity Jones

Insanity Jones

In Defense of Insanity

Where The Insanity Began

 

sounded like Indiana Jones, but I couldn’t do it. It’s Wolfie’s story and that’s that.

Dia de los Muertos

Very Cool Links for all things to help you enjoy and learn about

The Day of The Dead

enjoy!

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MEXICAN SUGAR SKULLS

Mexico’s Day Of The Dead- EXCELLENT LIST OF LINKS

 

STORIES:

 

Photo

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FACTBOX: The Day of the Dead’s global spread

MANILA (Reuters Life!) – It’s the Day of the Dead in the Philippines, but this festival is more for the living, who throng cemeteries to picnic and commune with their loved ones.

The feast, also known as All Saint’s Day or All Soul’s Day, is little-known elsewhere in Asia but is a national holiday in the mainly Roman Catholic Philippines.

After lighting candles and praying at the tombs of their loved ones, Filipino families spend the whole day in the country’s graveyards, eating and chatting.

“We celebrate this every year, no fail. We all come here together and bring food, and we stay all day,” said Lolita Capoquian, who came to pay her respects to her daughter who was killed in a car accident 14 years ago.

The Day of the Dead festival has its origins in a pre-Hispanic belief that the dead return to earth one day each year to visit their loved ones.

Observed by Catholic communities around the world, thousands of people celebrate the festival on Nov 1 and 2.

In Manila, traffic is gridlocked around cemeteries and street vendors do a roaring trade in food, flowers and candles. North Cemetery is the city’s biggest, attracting up to 3 million visitors during the two-day feast.

Despite the party atmosphere, many Filipinos said the festival helped them keep in touch with their loved ones from beyond the grave.

“Our parents have both passed away, so we come here every year on All Souls Day, that’s all we can do for them. It’s like we’re still taking care of them even if they’re gone,” said Gina Bantaw at her family’s graves.

KENNY & THE KIDS

Museum celebrates Day of the Dead
Entertainment, art cars, march and more are planned tonight

By Ken Neuhauser
kneuhauser@courier-journal.com
The Courier-JournaL

 

The Kentucky Museum of Art and Craft invites the public to celebrate Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) with a pretty neat assortment of activities that should delight young and old alike.

The event, from 5 to 9 tonight at the downtown museum, will feature fire dancers, face painting, puppets and a display of those cleverly designed art cars. Feel free to wear costumes and masks.

Day of the Dead might sound a bit morbid, but it is a joyous holiday that originated in Mexico and blends native Aztec and Roman Catholic traditions and beliefs to celebrate and honor the lives of deceased friends and family members. In this tradition death is not seen as an end but rather a new stage of life. Day of the Dead celebrations can vary from country to country due to cultural differences.

A sugar-skull contest also is planned. Making sugar skulls is a traditional Mexican folk art that celebrates the Day of the Dead. The sugar skulls are made from molds and then colorfully decorated with such items as foil, icing, sequins, feathers and beads.

Other highlights will include live music by guitarist Marlon Obando, additional music and dancing from the group Camino Flamenco and complimentary refreshments.

Last Friday the museum began constructing a public altar in honor of loved ones who have died. Such altars typically contain pictures of relatives and friends, flowers, food, candy and family mementos. Visitors are encouraged to bring items for the altar installation, which is in the third-floor education center lobby.

Also tonight the museum will offer a candle-lit march to commemorate the dead.

Admission is free.

The museum is at 715 W. Main St. For more information, call (502) 589-0102 or visit http://www.kentuckyarts.org/. The museum’s Day of the Dead event is in conjunction with the First Friday Trolley Hop. +

IU students celebrate ‘Day of the Dead’

“We will be observing and learning about the traditions of the Aztec people, the decorating of the grave site, the altar building from Mexico and Bolivia and much more.”

Rebeca Hernandez, Foster Global Village resident adviser
Halloween might be over, but the link between the living and the dead is not yet broken.Today is El Dia de los Muertos, or the Day of the Dead.Observed in most Latin American countries, this is a day of honoring one’s ancestors and celebrating their lives.

Beginning at 7 p.m. today, Foster Residence Center’s Formal Lounge will host an El Dia de los Muertos program to commemorate the holiday and explain its significance.

The tradition of honoring and celebrating the lives of the dead originated in the indigenous cultures of Mexico and several other Latin American countries, said Rebeca Hernandez, Foster Global Village resident adviser.

“Death was not seen as the ultimate end of a person’s existence but rather as a re-birth into another world of the dead,” she said.

In more modern times, El Dia de los Muertos falls on the same day as All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day, traditional Catholic holidays, Hernandez said.

Several Latino communities spend their holiday at cemeteries where their ancestors are buried, decorating the graves and offering traditional Day of the Dead foods, flowers and herbs, she said.

“Others build beautiful altars for their ancestors in their homes and invite family and friends to come over and celebrate with feasting and praying,” she said. “The goal of all of these activities is to invite the dead to enjoy the fruits of living once again and let them know that they are still cherished.”

This year, the theme of the Foster celebration is showing the diversity of Day of the Dead celebrations, Hernandez said.

“We will be observing and learning about the traditions of the Aztec people, the decorating of the grave site, the altar building from Mexico and Bolivia and much more,” she said.

Attendees of the celebration can participate in different Day of the Dead crafts, such as creating sugar skulls and sampling pan de muerto, or bread of the dead.

This celebration of the dead is becoming an IU tradition, Hernandez said.

“In the past, we have even dedicated altars to Herman B Wells,” she said. “It is important to share with the IU community because it is an alternative way to view a very sensitive subject while building community among IU students and staff as we realize we are all just people with our own losses in life.”

Hernandez said that El Dia de Los Muertos is a time for her to share the grieving of her ancestors with other people in a way that honors and celebrates their lives before and after death.

“Since it is a festive holiday, I always leave with a more positive understanding of the process of life,” she said. “I believe my ancestors wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

DAWN OF THE DEAD: Darkness of mourning broken by festive spirit

 Jennifer L. Berghom

November 2, 2007 – 12:18AM

Graciela Garcia spent her four decades as an educator fighting for low-income students to receive the education they deserve. The school bearing her name wants to make sure she and her work are not forgotten.

Garcia Elementary School is honoring her memory by building an altar in her honor to mark Día de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead.

The Pharr-San Juan-Alamo schools educator taught and directed the district’s federal programs for 40 years before retiring in 2001. She stood out as an advocate for low-income and disadvantaged students, according to Yolanda Castillo, a friend of the late educator and principal of the school that is named after her. Garcia died shortly after her retirement.

“She was a true advocate for the less fortunate. … I know she’s looking down on us all the time,” Castillo said.

A group of mothers who help at the school spent more than a week collecting photos and keepsakes and building the altar, which they presented to students on Wednesday.

Claudia Luengo, one of the mothers, said she and the others spent about a week talking with Garcia’s friends and family to find out how to decorate the altar. As is customary with Día de los Muertos altars, decorations are based on the deceased’s hobbies and other passions in life.

Over the years, the age-old altar tradition has become more popular throughout the area and the United States. Locally, museums have allowed people in the community to decorate altars for loved ones and have held special presentations for students to learn about the holiday.
Garcia’s daughter, Yomara Garcia, a biology teacher at PSJA High School, said she learned about her mother’s altar earlier this week and thinks what the school is doing is “awesome.”

“(The school administration and staff) always made sure (students) knew who the school was named after,” she said. “When I heard about the altar I was honored. … I think what they’re doing is helping the kids own the school.”

At the Museum of South Texas History in Edinburg, more than a dozen altars made by people in the community are set to be on display until next week. The altars range from traditional to modern styles.

Some were made by students as a class project; others were made by family members wanting to honor a loved one who died. Some artists have even been commissioned to create altars, said Melissa Tijerina, the museum’s programs and special events officer.

The museum’s exhibit has grown from just a few to about 15 in the past few years, she said.
“The altars are breathtaking, and now it seems the tradition is just growing,” Tijerina said. “It’s as much about the living as it is about the dead.”

The tradition dates back hundreds of years, to when the indigenous peoples of the New World had numerous practices honoring the dead. When the Spanish conquistadores arrived, they were puzzled by the practices and found them disrespectful.

But over the years, those practices were blended with the Catholic faith and Día de los Muertos is now celebrated immediately following Nov. 1’s All Saints Day.

Many celebrate by creating altars decorated with sugar skulls, candles, a cup of water, flowers, pictures of the deceased and items the departed one liked in life. People also visit the graves of their loved ones.

Tijerina said the holiday provides an ongoing connection among family members, living and dead.
“It’s not a sinister holiday. Many have this misconception that it is associated with Halloween; it’s not, it’s a festive day,” she said.

This is the first time Garcia Elementary has worked on a campus-wide project. Before, like many other schools, individual classes had separate activities.

Garcia Elementary students helped the parents decorate the altar honoring the school’s namesake. They also adorned their cafeteria with pictures and stories the fourth-grade classes wrote about loved ones who died.

Día de los Muertos altars don’t always have to be dedicated to family members. Students also build altars for public figures, and learn some history in the process.

Students in Janet Bosch’s class at McAllen’s Gonzalez Elementary, for example, created an altar honoring baseball player Roberto Clemente.

Bosch said her students chose to build the altar to him because of the humanitarian work he did and because he died in a plane crash en route to help others in Central America.

They spent a week or so researching Clemente’s life and the origins of Día de los Muertos.
“They’ve got a lot of connection to it,” she said.

____

Jennifer L. Berghom covers education and general assignments at The Monitor. She can be reached at (956) 683-4462.