God Chat

Is Googling The Bible A Sin?

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

 

You’re testing me God…I know you are. Like you want to see how fair and compassionate and forgiving and all Churchy with my fellow human beings I’ve been.

I’ll confess straight up.

I’m going to lose, but what the Hell…you gotta forgive me for blowing it because it’s in the rules. Okay, I didn’t learn the rules in Sunday School, I googled  them.

So there.

Hey as an FYI is Googling The Bible A Sin?

Oh, at this stage of them game who cares.

Let’s get started, shall we?

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Dear God

This week was chock-full-o nuts and I managed to crunch into every single one on the tooth that I chipped back in 1985 when that drunk lady hit my car.

First up you threw the racists right at me as I was cruising down the highway of life.

 So you ask did I forgive and move on?

Well…come on you know I didn’t.

There was this Anti-Mexican Group that protested in Seattle because they think that Mexico wants to invade the United States and Canada and that from there they plan on taking over the world.

Of course there was a Counter Protest and in the course of events-

Beer Cans and Water Balloons were thrown by Counter Protestors.

I don’t know which set me off the water balloons or beer cans.

Like were the balloons full of beer

or not?

Just curious.

I mean either or, the result was very chuckleicious.

And then of course I must’ve taken your name in vain about a million times in ten seconds after hearing that  this bridge here in Washington collapsed as a flatbed truck carrying an excavator drove across it.

I know it was like a sign from you. But the thing is I’m not sure what the sign meant.

I’m willing to chalk that one up to one of those God Mysteries and walk away from it.

And I know how amused you are by the local stuff from the County I live in otherwise weird stuff like this wouldn’t keep happening:

Like there was a LONNGGGG newspaper story about what it’s like to work in McDonalds.

Here it is in short form:

In the Service Industry you get treated like a Servant.

That sucks.

End of story.

They must pay per word at the Herald.

Mountlake Terrace made it into Wikipedia. You did that right? I mean, who the Hell else would pull a stunt like that? Oh wait….yeah that figures.

So there it is God, at every turn I had a chance to float above it all and make you proud. Instead, I sprayed Pam on the my sled and shot my way straight down every single slope you put me on top of.

It was darn fine ride.

At any rate I want to see how you top this week.

You have your work cut out for you, but I guess you know that.

So that’s it for now

See you next Sunday and…… 

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Amen 

 

 

Wow That SUX!

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

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this is an I.B. Special

SUX TO BE YOU REPORT

 

When I was in the fourth grade I laughed at a kid who tripped in the lunch line.

My teacher decided to make an example out of me and I had to write on the blackboard 500 times

” I will not laugh at the misfortune of others. “

I learned my lesson….and I ignored Darren ( who I blamed for the ‘blackboard incident ) until one day he and his  Mom show up at my front door and Darren is all emotional and hurt because

” Anita won’t talk to me anymore and I don’t know why “

Over 30 years later and I still have to pay attention to Darren.

But that’s another story.

Today I laughed at the misfortune of another person…and I laughed so much I’ll be standing at that blackboard until the Flying Monkeys come home….

go on read this true story and you’ll see why.

The owner of the Psychic Experiences shop says she had a feeling something bad was about to happen to the signs outside her store. Monday night, an arsonist set fire to signs that said “Tarot card reading — $20” and “Open.”

Police said they have no suspects. Evans said she doesn’t, either.

i will not laugh at the misfortunes of others…

but this time I think I will

Sorry Mr Olson- you Blackboard Fascist

 

God IS Funny

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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Well Hello There!

You came by to go to Church with Anita?

Anita The I.B. Writer?

Are you kidding?

I thought she was banned…oh she prays on line.

I get it.

Well she’s not here,

Look, she left a note- you want to read it?

Yeah, she wrote it on the wall in purple crayon…she’s been in a mood this week.

Right…I know, I know it says ” God ” but she’s been looking at everyone and saying, ” God ” or ” Jesus Christ “- so you know I’m sure it’s okay.

 

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Dear God

I thought you might be dropping by for a Chat.

To be honest I haven’t even thought about

what made this long freaking week you cursed me with

a good one.

I know that I’m good for a laugh now and then God

but for once,

 I’d like somebody else to be the butt of your jokes.

Oh wait….you know…I guess you DID have some fun

with someone else…

like with these guys:

Rescuers head for stranded and disoriented deputies

By KOMO Staff

SKAMANIA COUNTY, Wash. — Seven of the ten county sheriff’s deputies who spent Saturday night stranded on Dog Mountain has been successfully rescued, according to the Skamania County Sheriff’s Office.

The men had become stranded on the rugged gorge terrain after becoming disoriented while pulling thousands of marijuana plants from a grow on the east side of Dog Creek, 10 miles east of Stevenson, Undersheriff David Cox said.

 

And really God did you think it was funny when that guy in Prosser got bit by the rattlesnake after he chopped it’s head off?

I mean, that’s just warped.

And then this guy says, “It still gives me the creeps to think that son-of-a-gun could do that,” he said.

I didn’t laugh at that God, but I’ll bet you did.

And then there was this story in our Local Paper

where the burning question was

” Should Your Spouse Go (to your highschool) Reunions “

and really God

the obvious answer is

“Only if they don’t want you to be going to their Funeral

in the upcoming weeks.”

Funny God

Har, Har, Har.

Okay God…it’s true Prayer is good for the Soul

I just figured out you didn’t spend all week picking on me.

So you might want to check your toothpaste God.

SOMEBODY may have replaced it with a tube of  hemroid cream

SORRY

I mean

See you next Sunday

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( if I don’t get turned into a pillar of salt before then )

AND

Amen

 

 

 

 

Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

/ Anita Marie / 17 Comments

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When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

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I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

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I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

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Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

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I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

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I’m Telling!

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

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It’s Sunday, this is the day Good People go to Church and talk to God.

I’m not a ” Good People ” so I have to talk to God from my house. This is a good thing in case he gets it in his head to throw a few lightning bolts around when I start talking- at least nobody else will get hurt ( oh sure…like none of you have ever kissed some backside to get ahead ) except for me.

And right now I’m on my way to Hell on the express train so pardon me while I make right with God:

Hi God

I don’t know if you were serious when you put this stuff in your ‘grand plan’ but I figure either the world is about to end or you’re hitting the bottle ( again )

 Zsa Zsa’s Husband was found naked in a car, God it hurts my brain to think of this guy I have to let that one go…and that actress who blamed ” That Black Kid ”  for getting into trouble with the police- she a total flake God and if you could turn her into a pillar of salt I’d be ever so grateful- as would be the rest of the world. 

Oh and this: 

SEATTLE (AP) – In an interview early this year, Pierce County Prosecutor Gerry Horne called Washington state’s death penalty law a “farce” and suggested it is so ineffective that the Legislature should consider getting rid of it. (story here)

This is the definition of a farce: A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.

I don’t think lethal injections or hanging is a farce- I find a lot of things funny but Capital Punishment isn’t one of them.

Ha, that one shorted out your brain too, didn’t it?

I love Science- and when I was a kid I wanted to pilot a space ship. Now I wished I’d stuck with that God because did you know that there’s something called the ” Bottle To Throttle ” Rule at NASA?

No Kidding…in fact it gets even stranger:

Someone working for NASA sabatoged a computer. A Shuttle Astronaut was accused of trying to off a romantic rival and this guy named Himmel, (who retired in 1981 as associate director for what is now Glenn Research Center in Cleveland) said, ” “There’s no perfect system.” ( in regards to Policy at NASA )

I don’t know about you God, but hearing that made me think of the time I rode a roller coaster and my safety belt snapped open and wouldn’t lock- remember that?

It was mid way through the ride and I had to tie my belt closed.

Anyway I’d have tried like hell to get a job with NASA just so I could have front row seats to that freak show.

Well God, as you can see it’s a weird world you made, but it’s funny so I’ll give you points for that.

And if you could help me score another one of those great Egg Rolls like the one I had last year- I’d be a really good person for the rest of my life.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Jesus, I did it wrong again..

I MEAN

See you next Sunday

No- that’s not right either.

 How do you end this thing?

Oh yeah….here we go:

AMEN.

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This Morning’s PSA

/ Anita Marie / 10 Comments

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Well Hello There!

Your regular PSA Announcer

is

hiding

I mean

powdering his nose

So I’m going to do today’s PSA

These are blogs that

the I.B Staff

( that’s Anita and that Old Spice Guy ) 

recommend

you visit

If anything, after seeing how erratic

the Staff’s reading taste is

I’m going to look like the Sane One around here

so I’m sure you’ll be seeing lots more of me.

this was your PSA

from

Doll Guy With The Big Knife

Because I Said So

Charlie’s House

Into The Blue

Ke Cute

Man About The House

Mister Peace

Tales From The Naughty Step

Sup God?

/ Anita Marie / 9 Comments

It’s Sunday.

This is the day I check in with God and tell him about my week.

I’d do it at Church, but I’m banned. I figured that out after I noticed that when I show up there’s like 20 guys who look like Father Merrin lining the walk up to the doors so- I get the hint already.

 

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Dear God,

It’s been a long week.

It’s had it’s moments though.

Here was the biggest news story to come out of Mountlake Terrace this week- two kids stole a car and set it on fire.

Our major local paper actually wrote a story about it.

And God, they put it on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.

I’m not sure what mortifies me more- kids who burn cars or newspapers that write detailed news reports about it.

I have an idea, if you could send an invasion force made up of Flying Monkeys to attack Mountlake Terrace our local paper could write about an issue that really does affect the people of Mountlake Terrace and all of us live this lame ‘news’ story down.

It’s just an idea.

God, I know you promised not to do the flooding thing again but if you could do one of those surgical strikes and wipe out any theatres showing Summer Sequels I’d be ever so grateful.

They’re making us pay to watch repeats God.

That’s so unfair.

Bruce Campbell says in this article ( here ) that Studios are creatively bankrupt.

He’s too kind.

They were never creative to begin with.

Now Almighty One, I like a good laugh now and then too, but that thing you did in Hoquiam.

It was out of control.

Let me refresh your memory.

All these people showed up in Hoquiam for the Senior Babe Ruth state baseball tournament and instead of the smell of peanuts and crackerjacks they got to huff something nasty from the Ocean Protein Fish Meal plant.

“But this odor has been so pervasive and it has a bit of the cooking smell, not just raw smell, that we believe something is escaping and not being treated well enough.”

Richard Stedman- Olympic Region Clean Air Agency

Something is ‘escaping’?

ESCAPING?

Excuse me while I go hide under my bed for the next 100 years.

Really.

See you next Sunday God.

I mean

Amen

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You Say That Like It’s A Good Thing

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

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LiveScience.comMon Jul 2, 11:55 PM ET

New Drug Deletes Bad Memories

Do you have a really bad memory, or past heartache, that you would prefer to forget?

Researchers at Harvard and McGill University (in Montreal) are working on an amnesia drug that blocks or deletes bad memories. The technique seems to allow psychiatrists to disrupt the biochemical pathways that allow a memory to be recalled.

Okay, this is NOT good.

It’s bad.

Let me spell this out, they want to develop a drug that will disrupt pathways in YOUR BRAIN that allow memories to be recalled.

How interesting, you can take a human brain and wipe it clean and replace it with what?

Happy thoughts?

Who will decided what goes and what stays?

You?

Hey, if you’re in such a bad way that you need to chemically shut down pathways in your brain to keep memories from surfacing I doubt if anyone is going to listen to a word you have to say, am I right?

I wonder- if you take away the things that made you the person you are now, what on earth will you become if you take any of that (even the bad things) away.

Once that stuff hits your brain you won’t be the same.

Now there’s a thought.

Oregon Gives Vermont The Spotted Owl

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

For years and years and years I thought the only purpose Oregon had was to keep Washington State from sliding down into California.

Then Kent Couch took his balloon trip, I heard this interview with a woman who lives somewhere in the wilds of Oregon who kept a rifle above her door to protect herself from ‘bears and those drug kids from Seattle’ and  I happen to know now for a fact that the best Salt Water Taffy in the world is made down there.

I’ve been seduced.

 I totally fell in love with Oregon.

God, thank you for Oregon- I’d have to say it’s your best work yet.

What follows is a news report that proves it.

I’m going ahead and reprinting a story  from the Associated Press here  for fear that one day the link will go down and this great story will be lost forever.

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DeFazio wants ‘investigation’ into Vermont’s Simpsons win

By Associated Press

SPRINGFIELD, Ore. (AP) – U.S. Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Springfield is still piqued that his hometown wasn’t chosen to host the premiere of the upcoming animated film “The Simpsons,” particularly since “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening is an Oregon native.

In fact, he smells a rat, and has asked U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate – sort of.

In a spoof letter from DeFazio’s office to Gonzalez, he points out that Springfield, Ore., with around 52,000 residents, lost out on the right to hold the premiere to Springfield, Vt., which won a contest sponsored by 20th Century Fox, despite having only 9,000 residents.

“Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud,” DeFazio writes, tongue planted firmly in cheek. “It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?”

DeFazio continues that he’s well aware that many will dismiss his concerns, saying that the Oregon Springfield was simply “rolled” by the giant pink doughnut of Homer Simpson’s dreams, featured prominently in the winning video submitted by Springfield, Vt.

“But I believe there were significant voting irregularities,” DeFazio writes. “Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter.”

Gonzalez’s office could not immediately be reached for comment on the spoof letter.

The letter concludes in true Simpsons fashion: Instead of signing off “Sincerely,” or “Yours Truly,” DeFazio concludes with an “Okiliydokily.”

Despite DeFazio’s efforts, on July 21, Springfield, Vermont’s 100-seat movie theater is slated to play host to the movie, which opens July 27.

ORIGINAL STORY HERE

and of course…here’s a Promo: