God Chat

For A Good Time Call…

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

3era2.jpg

Hi God!

Betch’a missed me round the old Pearly Gates..ha, just kidding.

Like I’d hang out there- that Velvet Rope stuff is so elitist…

Instead I’ve been learning about what happens when the gene pool gets to shallow

 so here we go

today I’m putting some of it in

GOD CHAT

vie13021.jpg

Lord I wonder if you understand that if you want to scare people into being good you shouldn’t make them laugh…

When I was a kid my Mom used to threaten to spank us with this wooden spoon- which was pretty funny because she wasn’t into that spanking gig, plus by the time I was 10 I was five inches taller then her and my brother was this low functioning dweeb that would laugh at anything so the entire discipline thing sort of fell apart when she’d start screaming in her Hawaiian accent about how bad we were.

She sounded like one Betty Boop on speed.

So anyway God…if you want me to marvel at your works ( and not snicker ) don’t create people like the lot in Oregon ( God I do love those guys down there ) who ran around stealing Garden Gnomes and then they put all of gnomes ( all 75 ) on one lawn.

The Police took the Gnomes into custody…and if you’re missing one you can check their website- oh and just to show you this is real here’s the report and the pictures of the…um, victims- though the person who woke up to find these things staring into their windows will probably be in therapy for a very long time

SPRINGFIELD POLICE DEPARTMENT

( hey that’s the town THE SIMPSONS are from!

amm )

______________________________________________________________________________

INCIDENT: CASE # Criminal Mischief/Found Property 07-10284

DATE/ TIME: 10/17/07 @ 1743 hours

LOCATION: ( deleted by amm )

______________________________________________________________________________

NARRATIVE OF INCIDENT: A resident of the Thurston area of Springfield called the Police on 10/17/07 to report that someone had placed numerous lawn ornaments in the yard of the residence sometime the previous evening. A Community Service Officer responded to the location and found approximately seventy five lawn ornaments placed in an orderly manner on and around the front lawn. These lawn ornaments were primarily animal and gnome type figurines and were likely taken from other residences at various times.

Springfield Property control personnel would like to return those items to the owners and have decided the most efficient way to do this would be to place photographs of the various ornaments on the Springfield Police web site, www.ci.springfield.or.us\police\media.htm.

If you received this by FAX and not e-mail, you may obtain photos by calling 726-3721

FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION CONTACT: Capt. Richard Harrison 726-3721

NEWS RELEASE COMPLETED BY: Brent Carpenter 726-2326

1194038530.jpg

Now there’s a lot you gave us here to be thankful for in the Pacific Northwest Lord…and I look high and low for these things every day. I’m inclined to look low because you know…that’s the way I am.

This was a tough call though like is it high or lowbrow news?

See years ago I was in this accident on the freeway and the person who got their first was a Washington State Patrolman with freckles and he looked just like Ron Howard back when he was on ” Happy Days “.

I didn’t laugh at the way his voice cracked, or the way he called me ” Ma’am ” . Nope what got me was the little bow tie that’s part of the Washington State Patrol Uniform.

I think the guy on the Maytag Commericials wears the same one.

Anway.

I tried so hard not to laugh God…but I did.

And then I made up an excuse for my outburst of rapid fire snickers and snorts that shot snot straight out of my nose and all over my windshield.

I said I’d hit my head.

Okay it was a lie and I paid for it because as soon as that came out of my mouth everyone who was showing up ‘ at the scene ‘ took it very seriously. For me it was a night of X-Rays and being woken up every couple of hours to be asked if I knew what my name was.

So today I find out our Washington State Patrol…just look:

OLYMPIA, Wash. – It’s a look that lead-foot drivers know all too well: the crisp black bow tie and blue “Smokey Bear” hat of a Washington State Patrol trooper. And according to a national trade group, the outfits are the best-looking state police uniforms in the country

Quit toying with me God.

289981080_4008fa579a.jpg

Okay, this deserves some sort of divine retribution on your part and I’m talking real Fire and Brimstone action on your part ( may I remind you that you only promised to not flood anybody anymore…I checked ).

The city of Mountlake Terrace is making a man scuttle a pirate ship he built  for his kids in his yard.

pirate-ship.jpg

According to our ahem  our ” Code Enforcement Officers ” ( no I did NOT make that up…that’s what they’re called) it violates city building codes.

Heaven help us- it’s a Pirate Ship and unless it sails down the middle of the street and runs over one of my cats I don’t care what anyone puts in…

their own yard.

Especially if it’s something as awesome as a Pirate Ship….at least it’s not a giant garden gnome ( sorry…sorry….couldn’t resist ).

1194038517.jpg

So there it is God….this is what you created right in front of my nose this week…other people may wonder why I pay attention to this and talk to you about it…

But what can I say- I love a good sense of humor.

Keep up the good works

See ya round

59772.jpg

and

ahmmmennnn

 

 

 

Put Your Hands Up and Step Away From The Jack-O-Lantern

/ Anita Marie / 11 Comments

evil.gif

Okay God,

I know it’s Sunday, I know it’s time for God Chat but this is serious God and being that you’re in charge of everything I expect that you will have an interest in this.

Yeah, Yeah- I know it’s Saturday but tough it’s Sunday somewhere PLUS Halloween is just days away so we have to settle this NOW.

First of all

I know Global Warming is bad…it’s a sin and the irony that Earth will end up looking like Hell for what we’re doing to it is not lost on me.

but God…God Damn…A Green Halloween?

Healthy snacks? Experience Nature? Linen and dinnerware from The Pottery Barn?

This isn’t  Halloween- this is the way they celebrate Halloween at an Old Folks Home-and guess what- most of the old people I KNOW would be laughing so hard at this lame idea that  they’d wet their Depends.

And then to make it worse…this Green Halloween group wants a sugar free Halloween…good thing one of the “leaders” has a site you can go to so that you can buy stuff ( impress me…give it away )

Which brings me to this.

Lizzie Borden

Today I read about this Lizzie Borden Halloween Prop that costs THOUSANDS of dollars.

She swings an Ax up and down.

When I was a kid this family had a Haunted House set up in their basement and the Dad used to dress up like Lizzie and chase people around with an ax and he’d be screaming ” Forty Wacks! Forty Wacks for you all! “

and we’d be screaming for Jesus and our Moms.

God, it was pretty darn great and I’ll bet the entire thing didn’t cost thousands of dollars.

and the results?

Priceless.

So God, do us a favor.

Show these Heathens the light.

Halloween is all about life and death

It’s all about celebrating the things we can touch and feel and taste and smell.

It’s about not being afraid of the dark and the things that hide there.

It’s about having one night where you don’t have to whistle

as you walk by a cemetery- you can perform a full on Aria.

On this one night you don’t have to be afraid of things that go bump in the night because you can BECOME that thing that goes bump in the night

For just one night.

That is not asking for to much, is it God?

So I’ll see you Halloween Night- I’ll be the one with the mask on

( har har )

and

ahhhmeeennnnn

vie1302.jpg

Hey Dawg I mean Gawd

/ Anita Marie / 2 Comments

 

Hey Big “G” look who stopped by for God Chat

 0511-0709-0717-07152.jpg

…just messin’ with you Dawg.

Okay, here we go:

vie13021.jpg

Hi God how’s your week been?

Mine has been boodles of fun-

First off this group that hates… Gays and Lesbians and Transgender people…oh and brown people and people who aren’t Christian Extremists like themselves and they probably even hate that cute little dog from the Taco commercials because they think he’s “illegal” came to Lynnwood, Washington to hold a rally.

 

There’s a good part God, there were more people OUTSIDE protesting then there were people inside attending the meeting itself.

Somy friends and me stood outside and waved signs and had a good time supporting our community.

The best part was the cars with families that honked and waved and yelled good job.

My personal favorite was the guy who was driving this big truck that slowed down and yelled, “ Love for us all. “

The bad part is that one of the groups’ ‘leaders’ is involving himself in local politics.

Ahem.

Oh and Lord of Wonders, I know you love those stories about the Mountlake Terrace City Council- but I don’t have any new ones. Don’t get all high and mighty on me, that divine intervention thing is in your department.

 

Now Lord, there this woman who wants people to celebrate a sugar free Halloween– that’s the kind of thinking that should get you assigned to the short bus and we both know it. Don’t think I’m letting this Halloween thing go- if Church people aren’t trying to make it ‘Church Friendly’ then Granola Heads are trying to make it healthy.

 

What next? Will we have to worry about Valentines coming under attack because the disembodied hearts remind people of human sacrifice and temple steps in South America drenched with blood….and heyyyyy….

 

 

No- if I mess with that one, every Jeweler and chocolate manufacturer in the on the planet will be after me.

And last but not least, if you forgive me for having bad thoughts about you for letting my cat die, then I’ll forgive you for the fact that the Halloween Monster Fest on AMC really, really sux this year.

Pax?

Good.

Take Care

See you way later

 59772.jpg

And

Ahhhhemennnn

God and The Daily Show Effect

/ Anita Marie / 10 Comments

vie13021.jpg 

Hi God,

Something Strange and Mysterious has happened

and I’m

chalking it up to  your

Godly Powers.

Either that or you’re drinking again….

but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway, here’s the skinny: 

Over the last few weeks Irregular Bones has gone from an

on-line

 journal

where I write about my cats and my friends and family and head hunters and civil rights and

homeless people and what my bus rides to and from work are like

and my hero worship of Rod Serling and Bruce Campbell

to

a

NEWS SOURCE.

I kid you not.

So being that I’m trying to get on your good side

( well, at least on Sundays )

I’m prepared to answer your Call:

I have a half a pound of Pez on hand at all times

 an endless supply of Jolt cola

a weird sense of humor

and Google at my finger tips.

I am SO going to have fun with this.

Thanks for the Call God,

it’s a good one.

Oh and between me and you

I don’t care what anyone says

YOU ARE FUNNY.

See Ya Next Sunday….

ahhhhmennnnn.

hahaha-lulz.jpg

 

 

Boo God!

/ Anita Marie / 8 Comments

 

Where have I been?

Funny One God.

Let’s Get to it, shall we? 

 

vie1302.jpg

So God, I was surfing the net for Halloween stuff and I kept running across these stories about Christians wanting to ” take Halloween back ” or asking if they should celebrate it at all.”

Here’s the short answer. 

No.

Okay God?

Just in case that’s not clear enough here’s the long answer:

No! No! No!

I don’t go into church and make everybody in there read Stephen King and I don’t make the Congregation dress up like zombies or ghouls for Sunday Services and I happen to think that some of those Church songs are nice so I would never make them sing those ” Haunted Favorites ” with the sound effects in the background ( let’s face it though, I bet more people would go if ….never mind ) Okay…so tell them alright? I mean, don’t they have to listen to you? Isn’t that in the rule book  Bible somewhere?

Yeah…I thought so.

Now the second thing I want to chat about are these Wonker Heads that sent me hate mail just because I believe in Human Rights.

I know they’re your children God and you love them- probably in the same way I loved that Cyclops Kitten. It was so deformed and helpless and must have been so afraid that you just couldn’t not care about it.

apphotocyclops_l.jpg

But Christ, could you make sure they use spell check? Like if one of these er, individuals, take the time to write me a letter and threaten me the very least you could make them do is run spell check so that the fake name those Chuckle-Heads use is spelled right.

Yeah, okay it is funny but still.

And forgive me God because in the spirit of Halloween I told someone an Urban Legend was a true story even though I knew it wasn’t.

Which one?

It was the one about the woman who goes to Mexico and  after she gets back this boil on her face pops open and hundreds of baby spiders crawl out.

Hey, don’t get all Godly on me, the person I messed lost her last brain cell to bleach about 30 years ago and she always calls me ” Sen-your-eada “

She knows I don’t like her, so why she asked me about this one is weird. I’m guessing it’s because ” Sen-your-eada  Ahneeeedah ” ( as she likes to call me)  looks like one of them ” Mexican People ” and she probably thinks  I’d know all about Mexican Infestations “

Hear My Prayer Lord….please have her ask me another….please?

And see you here next Sunday…got that…here…

59771.jpg

Oh almost forgot….

aaaaahhhhmennn.

 

Note From My Mom

/ Anita Marie / Leave a comment

Dear God

Please Excuse My Daughter From God Chat

This Sunday

She’s out trying to do some good in the world

Sincerely

Anita’s Mom

Dear Anita’s Mom

Tell Anita she’s excused and if she scores one of those

South Lake Union Trolley

t-shirts

for me

I’ll call it good.

Yours Truly

God

Jerry Johnson, foreground, and Don Clifton model the “Ride the S.L.U.T.” T-shirts they created to poke fun at the original acronym of the South Lake Union Streetcar. The shirts are sold at the Kapow! coffee shop in the neighborhood. (Note: Johnson was misidentified in the original caption.) (September 18, 2007)

FULL STORY HERE

Sorry I Missed Your Call

/ Anita Marie / 7 Comments

Hi God

Sorry I wasn’t here to take your call but leave a message at the beep and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

 Hi Anita

You’re not funny. Call me back.

God, you have no one to blame but yourself for that.

Anita, this is your Lord God

I expect you to obey my commands.

Call me.

Hi again God

My Cat expects the same thing, but I just lock him in my work room with food and water and put him on ignore mode.

He also goes to the bathroom right in front of the door, think about it.

Return my call- I mean it.

God damn, You’d really pee on my floor?

Maybe I need to remind you, I flooded the world. Start Praying.

WELL FINE!

Here’s it is My Lord God

 …..

if you think that a Pee Threat

is going to get to me

try again

See you next Sunday

and

ahhhhhmennnnn

 

Paid Personal Leave

/ Anita Marie / 4 Comments

God I have one question before I start with our Sunday Chat:

Did you take some PPL time and turn management over to an Intern or did you outsource to Hell or what?

Just put that lightning bolt down Hoss and I’ll explain myself:

vie13021.jpg

Hi God

These were the things that caused me to question your judgement skills this week-

One drunk guy caused a series of three seperate accidents on I-5 down in Tacoma and it shut all the southbound lanes.

ALL OF THEM.

I mean I don’t know who is in charge of I-5 but it’s a safe bet to say it ain’t you O Lord Of The Heavens.

And then of course there’s these two Transgender guys that were kicked out of a Mall in Downtown Seattle for using the wrong restroom

In protest people attending the Gender Odyssey Conference held a

Pee In.

No I’m not kidding and No I couldn’t have phrased that differently.

So tell me Supreme Commander

did you inspire the Pee-In?

Yeah, well, actually I do know the answer to that one.

And then here in my very own home town of Mountlake Terrace one of our City Council Members took out a restraining order against another of our City Council Members.

It has something to do with trees and intimadation.

I wished to you I was kidding but I’m not.

So look God the next time you decided to take a few days off

don’t leave anybody in charge.

By the time you get back we’ll all be on our knees down here

thanking you for being there.

See you WAY LATER ( I hope )

5977.jpg

 I mean

Amen.

 

 

Did Something Die Under The House Again?

/ Anita Marie / 6 Comments

My bad….it’s just Sunday coming around again.

Okay God, it’s just me and you here and it’s Sunday – but we’re going to pretend we’re just two people shooting the breeze because I have some non-churchy issues to discuss with you-

so here we go

vie13022.jpg

My friend is a good guy, he helps people even when he’s not feeling so well,

he sets aside his own issues to help people when he could retire and sit on a beach somewhere and toss back Pina Coladas until he has depleted the entire Coconut population from the entire planet Earth.

So explain to me God why someone like that gets a message on his answering machine that prompts him to tell his friends;

“remember, I’d never hurt myself and I’d never walk away from any of you without saying goodbye”

You need to look into that one God.

Next 

Someone I know died.

This person used to use their illness to get what they

wanted from people.

This person was shameless

they would say or do anything to get what they wanted from you.

I’m not going to the funeral and when I deleted them

from my e-mail list and phone lists

It felt good

Very Good

I’m going to Hell for that, aren’t I?

Just a heads-up I know that’s going to cost me.

Now, I try to never end our Sunday Chat on a bad

note

I really try to be thankful for the good things in my life

Like my friends

and my family

( which are one in the same to me )

and I’m truly thankful for living in Snohomish County

because stuff like this happens:

A woman in Everett, Washington is trying to sell

some genuine Oscars and the

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences

is sueing to stop her from doing it.

All I can say to them is,

you don’t know what you’re messing with boys and girls

Here in Snohomish we aren’t your regular type Humans.

Saddle up cause it’s going to be a rough ride.

 

Okay God

I’m going to turn you lose now

I’ll see you next Sunday

try, if it’s at all possible,  to do the Mercy thing

some of us are in need of it right now

Later.

I mean no, it’s

” Amen “

and I’ll see you next Sunday

 Come Hell or High Water

( IT’S A JOKE !)

exorcist0031.jpg

 

I Went To Sin City and All I Brought Back Was a Keychain

/ Anita Marie / 7 Comments

vie13022.jpg

 

I was going to ask my Mom to write me a note to God to have me excused from Sunday Prayers.

But then I thought, I’ve got a bone to pick with you Hoss, so let’s do this.

 

Jesus Christ, I spent three days and two nights in Las Vegas Nevada and I’m not sure who said it was this wild place but they need to be fired.

First of all, I don’t know how wild Professional Bingo players get, but let me paint you a picture…they DON’T.

There were old people and young people and people with their kids. I only saw two people that looked like genuine lounge lizards- they were wearing bright yellow and blue suits and sprayed on tans- and it turned out they were doing an act.

I know because I asked.

I asked the guy where I could find the gambling guys like the ones I’ve seen on TV and one guy said ” in some Hollyweird Fancy Boy’s Dreams “

har, har.

I sat around a few of Wedding Chapel places and watched people get married, which was fun, I asked my husband if we could renew our vows he agreed.

When I said I wanted to find an Elvis impersonator to do the honors he disappeared for the rest of the afternoon.

Humph.

That’s okay though…cause I ordered room service and sat around my room and ordered movies that I didn’t like and put it all on his credit card.

I only spent sixty dollars.

Can you imagine Lord what I could have done if I’d REALLY been mad?

So that was my big Vegas Trip and God here’s a heads-up: I’m planning a vacation to see some mummies and if it turns out those are fake too me and you are going to have issues

Big Ones.

Later.

I mean, see you next Sunday and AMEN.

 

59771.jpg