There aren’t a lot of Christmas Decorations up in my Neighborhood.
I have seen a few of those sad looking Plastic Santas standing in some snowless front yards, I’ve also seen some of those reindeers that are made from white twiggy looking things and outlined with white lights and a few houses have wreaths on the doors and Christmas Trees in their living room windows.
Is Christmas a bust on my street?
It would look like that is the case.
Granted my next door neighbor is a Yard Nazi whose daughter threatened to shoot my dog one year but that shoudn’t be enough to chase away the Christmas Spirit, should it?
So it’s cold, it’s snowing, maybe it’s not the Christmas you exactly wished for.
But at least there are a few laughs to be had….
YouNews contributor "steeproute" sent in this photo Wednesday morning of a snowman on the beach in Seattle's Magnolia neighborhood.
Fractured Christmas Carols
Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Deleted by a.m.-yeah it was bad really bad.
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Frequently Asked Questions About ChristmasQ: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?
Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live
Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit,
but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the
pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail
Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he's a rain-deer
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can?t hear you!
What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you!
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along
with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You’ll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
Who created a Calender that was designed to showcase the works of her friends?
I mean, who could NOT be very happy with something like that.
And the questions would come to me again-demanding an answer- would I send my friends and family into unsafe places to get me a Fiji Mermaid? Even though my heart will surely break to find that now-after 31+ years of asking my wonderful Monkey / Fish is again out in the world, somewhere without me?
When I think of that Dad stumbling over the ice and snow to get into the Mall with his three year old in tow- and you know if Dad had slipped he probably would have broken BOTH of his arms to keep his child from hitting the deck-
or how I felt when I saw a woman slide and then catch herself against a bench- her head snapping back and her shopping bag clenched protectively to her chest
I think the answer is
HELL NO.
:::However::::
For one thing- for any one thing in the cases or lining the walls of
Will Anita Marie Get Her Fiji Mermaid THIS Year?:::
Today
On Day Seven
We Find Out That It Really Sux To Be Me
Just after Thanksgiving, I start getting
The Letters.
By that I mean
Those Letters
that tell you what the sender did over the year.
And what a great year they had.
Which is wonderful for them.
My Mom LOVES to get those in Christmas Cards, she used to read them to us and she would even hang them up with the Christmas Cards and pass the news that she found neat on to her friends.
My Mom is Filipino and she grew up in Hawaii and that means – among other things- she’s into ‘talking story’ so yeah, she’s into those letters.
I’m not sure how I feel about them- I actually look forward to one of the Christmas Letters I get from a friend, who honestly doesn’t like the computer and travels. Every year I get these whopping long letters ( and presents- ) around Christmas.
No fooling it’s awesome and don’t think I don’t put a lot of thought into what I’m going to write back.
HOWEVER
Call it me getting Grinchlike in my advancing years but if someone has had a hellaciously bad year
( Some people do, so I’ve heard )
you may want to use some common sense before sending out your
“Snow-Are You Newsletter ”
First off:
Would you give details about your kid’s lives- where they work, go to school, where they can be found during the day, WHAT KIND OF CAR THEY DRIVE, even a picture of them to a perfect stranger?
Of course not.
So why share that happy news with ‘dear friends’ who wouldn’t know your kids unless your kids walked up to them and stuck a sprig of Holly into their left eye?
In addition
you may want to consider who gets your ” Happy New(s)Year ” post which always contains a travel intineray.
Myself I didn’t go on trips that would be the kind of news I could share back ( not that those kinds of letters actually invite conversation )
for example, this year I went to a Funeral ( only one, what can I say, in my book it was a good year ) and I mourned the death of my friend who shot himself in the head just after Thanksgiving over 25 years ago- and the place I go to in my Soul when I reflect on that time in my life isn’t going to be showing up on the Travel Channel anytime soon- let alone in a ” Holly -Are- You Newsletter “.
And as to the cool things the letter writer did over the year-
if the receiver had no idea that your life’s goal was to swim with the Dolphins and what it took for you to get to that point where you actually go to a placeso that you could, indeed, swim with the Dolphins- they’re not going to understand why oh why you’re sharing that bit of glad news six months after the fact.
Rule of thumb:
If your co-worker whom you hate -and the person you sit next to on the bus or train or the person in the check out line ( the slow one ) knows more about what is going on in your life then your Season’s Greet-ees, you may want to consider putting that news into a letter, encased in a Christmas Card and sending it off to ” All “.
Besides.
Christmas Cards are not intended to be suck -up ( gee I’m sorry I spent the year not thinking about you) gifts.
– Things like flowers and wine and
FIJI MERMAIDS
are suck up gifts.
In case you missed that.
During the Holiday Season I run into a lot of friends from my past- they’re in town visiting family, sometimes they give their old friends a call and sometimes all we do is talk outside in the snow, or we might toddle off for a drink or meet up for a little while for a bite to eat.
And that’s when we talk about what’s been going on in our lives.
Those times are pretty wonderful and when they happen I feel lighter, do you know what I mean?
Sending a letter to eveyone in your address book to say how wonderful things are for you is a bit like playing Chicken in Santa’s Sled with a drunken elf at the reins, if you don’t care how the person at the other of of your letter is really feeling and how they could take your letter…..
you may want to consider nixing the letter and instead add an extra line at the bottom of your card that says something real like:
Thinking Of You.
Photo:Christmas Story-A Fansite
:::and now for a Christmas Song That I really do enjoy sharing:::
It was just before Christmas when I heard the Trans-Siberian Orchestra for the first time.
My Mom had told me about a video for a Christmas Song and how it was about a little girl and her kitten who escape into a snowstorm take over an Orchestra in the woods and how even though you saw all these images about how the world was a conflicted place, for that one night the girl, her cat and her Orchestra win.
I wasn’t sure what she meant.
And then my Mom said, ” it reminded me of your stories Marie. “
Thanks Mom.
For Getting It.
Marie
CHRISTMAS EVE/SARAJEVO 12/24
(Instrumental)
As He flew over the countryside
He was still listening
When from a little church below
He heard a voice begin to sing
Christmas Canon
THIS NIGHT
WE PRAY
OUR LIVES WILL SHOW
THIS DREAM HE HAD
EACH CHILD
STILL KNOWS
WE ARE WAITING
WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN
ON THIS NIGHT
ON THIS NIGHT
ON THIS NIGHT
ON THIS VERY CHRISTMAS NIGHT
Irregular Bones 
