Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?

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When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “

It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:

Hi There God,

I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.

This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.

 I didn’t laugh.

I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.

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I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:

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I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.

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Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:

A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.

They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”

I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.

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I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”

They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.

Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.

What else can I say besides

“snicker”

Oh wait

how’s about I just say

Amen

instead?

Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.

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The Bumbo Collection

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Listen Up!

Laugh

– it keeps you from yelling-

this has been an I.B. PSA

brought to you by

the “s”mart guy

 

 

And a Happy Friday To You Too!

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The I.B. Staff (that’s me, Anita) has received genuine hate mail and even a  heartfelt wish that I meet a messy end on the bumper of a garbage truck because I wrote  the following posts:

I wrote a story about a Fortune Teller who didn’t see her own death coming-

( you haven’t lived until somebody named after a goddess and plant threatens to curse your life force to ‘ tormints beyond  imagenation’

I wrote a story about the Queen of Hawaii being forced to give up her throne

( I was invited to leave the States and go back to wherever it was a “ emagratid from ”

And I dared to call JK Rowling an Author.

( I was informed she doesn’t understand the  ” craft ” and the ” writer’s expirience 

…oh and I suck too.)

All I can say is…

Spell Check People!

!Use Spell Check!

this has been an I.B. Public Service Announcement

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I Want a Story

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I like to take a look at what people are reading on the bus.

Sometimes they’re looking at newspapers, or magazines, or they’re hand (which I’m assuming they’ve got a phone or something down there…at least I hope so).

Over the years every other person had their noses buried in books by John Grisham or Tom Clancy; sometimes I didn’t notice the title because all I saw were those little stickers that proclaimed this work an “Oprah “book.

Without exception I saw that the people who were reading those books looked grim and withdrawn. Their mouths were set in hard lines and when their stop came up they’d take their book jam a marker into place and bury their book in a backpack or purse or briefcase.

Their gestures were clinical and thoughtless.

Unless you’re like me and made it a point to notice what people were reading you wouldn’t know. These books were something that Commuters ‘did’ on the way to work and when they were done commuting they were done with the book.

Of course, Harry Potter changed all of that.

When these people read the Potter books they’re leaning into the book, their faces are animated and when their stop comes up they carefully pop a marker into place and they carry their book under their arms close to themselves.

So today I thought, really, all theories aside what is it about a kid studying magic that really interests us?

And then I thought about my kids and how they used to demand “A Story “at bedtime.

“What kind of story?” I used to ask.

And my kids would say, “A good one.”

This is the kind of story my kids considered “good “and the ones I liked to tell:

We liked stories about good guys who win, about people who are fair, about friends that are loyal and stories where you get the chance to have that moment where you can be the person you know that you really are.

When I’d finish they’d look up and say, ” now that’s a story…a good one.”

Like my kids I think that a lot of us want stories about underdogs that become heroes and heroes that we discover are just people- just like us.

So I’m wondering, why is it now that all of the sudden these themes are finding their way into our everyday lives and hands of people waiting for a bus or sitting in a park or waiting in offices. Why do we crave these stories about a kid who studies magic when a few years ago Attorneys and CIA agents and women who were in ‘search of themselves’ were all the rage and we were perfectly willing to lose ourselves in their lives.

Their lives.

I think I know part of the answer now- and it’s been there all along.

We want a story about heroes and fairness and friendship.

It’s a good story- isn’t it?

Beware The Low Flying Monkeys

( Okay, I’ll explain, Low Flying Monkeys is a phrase I used  years ago. Instead of telling people good bye or good luck I’d look them in the eye and say with genuine feeling “Beware The Low Flying Monkeys” 

 It just seemed like good advice to give someone as they hit the road-o-life)

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It’s been one of those days…one of those days where I’m being tested.

Don’t know if it’s by the Big Boss Upstairs or the Other Boss Downstairs but I’m being tested and until I figure this out- well, let’s just say I won’t be shooting fate in the eye with any spitballs.

I found out today that a few months ago my Uncle had a heart attack.

In a Casino.

While he was gambling.

And somebody along the way assured him it was going to be okay because ‘the best hospital in town is located right by the Casinos- because you know, this sort of thing happens a lot.’

Do I laugh or cry?

That is the question.

And until I figure it out I do believe I’ll lay low.

Well, you know for a few hours anyway.

amm

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A Nice Place To Visit

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When I was a kid, I lived on a neat street.

The kids were neat and the parents were neat and all the kids were in Scout Troops or took swimming lessons at the pool.

They all went on camping trips and had barbeques during the summer and during the winter they all went skiing.

Except for me, of course.

When we first moved to this neat street my parents used to try and force me to play with the neighbor kids and I wouldn’t- I said they were Zombies and that I was pretty sure they’d eaten the last kid who lived in our house.

I remember the way my Dad looked at me the first time I said that. He just shook his head and I’m not sure but I think it was weeks before he said another word to me.

I was nine at the time- so I could be off on that by a bit. 

The problem was I wasn’t a neat kid, I was that weird little kid that didn’t have any friends and never got invited to parties and I got kicked out of Blue Birds because I forgot to bring the treats when it was my turn to do treat day.

Actually the Blue Bird Leader’s daughter kicked me out- I didn’t care because they never got treats that day-, which still makes me laugh when I think about it.

I may have been a weird kid, but I wasn’t a dumb kid and I made it a point to never be with any of these kids alone- or with their parents who smiled too much.

In fact, I used to have nightmares about those kids and their parents and in my dreams they were running me down with their station wagons.I still have those dreams.

Over the years I ran into some of these kids- I drove one to their final resting place in a hearse, a friend of mine arrested one for molesting his children and another is in prison for killing her stepson.

After I kept hearing these stories I decided to take a drive down that Neat Street.

I saw the Neat Parents- they were puttering around their lawns or checking their mail or talking to their neighbors (just like the old days, it’s true some things never change) and I was horrified at how they all looked so worn out and old and tired and I realized those weren’t the Neat Parents-

I was looking at the Neat Kids. 

I slammed my brakes on and pulled visor down and looked in my vanity mirror and checked my face. I don’t know what I was looking for, but it was awhile before I felt calm enough to drive away.

I could hear myself, that nine year old Anita say, “ Told you, they’re Zombies. Now let’s go home.”

And that’s exactly what I did.

It’s A Joke!

  

jokes don’t have to be gross

to be considered 

sick….

 Two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.


The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming


The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport.


As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.


Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.


…… In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late

and we’re all gonna die.”

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brought to you by the I.B. Staff

under duress from the

Management

Midnight Conversation at Riversleigh Manor

I wrote this a couple of years ago- and it’s one of my favorites because of the two nameless ‘characters’.

I don’t where they came from but I like them-they’re bone chilling.

With that….

Enjoy! 

From my Soul Food Cafe Prompt Archives 

amm

 

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There’s something buried in the Gardener’s Shed and why would someone bury something that wasn’t dead yet?

The thing in the shed isn’t buried very deep, so if you were to crawl over the dead fall in front of the door and were able to push your way through he matted cobwebs and you didn’t mind the smell of rotting leaves and small unburied creatures you’d find  there under the window a slightly raised mound of earth.

Were you to look at the raised mound long enough and the light somehow managed to find it’s way through the little panes of glass covered with dust and dirt you’d think someone was lying there on their side with one arm cradling their cheek and the other laying comfortably on their side.

Wouldn’t you?

If you brought a flashlight and the beam was bright you might think you could see something wrong with the entire left side of the sleeping figure’s face. You might think that maybe that the face was gone, smashed in by something like that shovel in the corner.

Isn’t that right?

They might wonder what you were doing back there in a rotting shed behind the Manor House in the dead of Night, they might see you take the shovel and try to smooth and pound that little raised mound of Earth flat.

That’s what they’d see wouldn’t they?

So I must ask you again, why would you bury something that is not dead yet?

Go ahead you can tell me.

Just keep your hands were I can see them.