My Grandpa Bert used to tell me the best stories on Christmas Eve- probably that did more to influence my writing later in life and for that I am grateful.

But he always used to tell the best jokes ( which was a skill I never mastered )- but I know funny when I see it so here are some Christmas cartoons  I really enjoyed and would like to share.

amm

 

For fun, back when I was about 10 years old I wrote a Christmas  story involving Santa crashing his sleigh because his reindeer caught rabies. The reindeer all died on impact and the rest of the story was about Santa having to escape the rabid demonic ghosts ( did I mention this happened over a cemetery?)  of his eight reindeer .

Needless to say, Christmas was cancelled that year.

These were stories that you could write and read to the class for extra credit- and trust me I needed them because my grades were not all they should have been back then and writing essays made up a lot of lost ground for me.

My teacher called me to her desk and asked, ” Anita why do you want to ruin Christmas for your classmates?”

I refused to change my story and I was the only kid who didn’t get to read her story in front of the class. Too make it worse I had to leave the room and the teacher more or less told the class it was because the story I wrote was not appropriate.

So I went out into the hall straight into the bathroom and drew Christmas trees all over the bathroom walls- you know to make up for my terrible deed.

I would like to say I started to rage against the machine at an early age, but I didn’t- I know this because there is a Science Fiction movie coming out on Christmas Day and its about the end of the world at the hands of aliens…and not just any alien- invisible aliens.

And I think that’s awful.

Who does that?

Who makes a movie where a dog gets zapped, torn apart atom by atom by monsters from outer space and releases it on Christmas Day?

 Not me- and remember I killed Santa’s Reindeer for a Christmas story when I was 10 years old-

that’s something to think about.

When I was a kid we used to go to our Aunt Irene’s for Christmas Eve.

Aunt Irene was my Grandpa Bert’s sister and she was great- she dressed like a lady from the magazines ( she always wore a single strand of pearls when she dressed up ) she was a fantastic gourmet cook, she and my Grandpa taught me to love Mozart and her house was full of the most beautiful antiques.

But what I really loved was sitting her in kitchen and watching her cook in her fancy clothes and heels and an apron just like the women on TV did- actually she is the ONLY person I know that ever looked like that when she worked in the kitchen.

One of my Aunt Irene’s specialties were her Bourbon Balls- one year I asked if I could try one and she let me. I took a bite chewed it and swallowed.

“What do you think.” she said…note she did not ask.

” I think it tastes like Cat Pee.”

My Aunt didn’t ask me how I came to make that particular comparison.

” Good. Don’t forgot that- ever.”

I didn’t to this day and to this day I still think of Bourbon as Cat Pee.

So shortly after that, I could not figure out why the adults in my family would practically shove each other down the stairs to get to the little table with the silver tray piled high with those little balls coated with powdered sugar.

One year we got to Aunt Irene’s early and she was in the middle of making her Bourbon Balls and I asked if the cat was done could I play with it and she laughed and my Grandpa Bert asked what was so funny and Aunt Irene told him never mind.

The door bell rang- well chimed and she went to answer the door and when she was out of the kitchen my Grandpa poured the bottled cat pee into the bowl.

” Why are you doing that?” I asked wondering why you add more of that foul stuff to anything.

“Because she’s my sister and I can. “

He then took a drink straight from the bottle, put the lid back on and left the kitchen with a little bounce to his step.

Almost right after he left the room my Aunt Sharon showed up with a couple of her cousins and one of them asked me, ” Have you seen Mother?”

I told them no.

” Good. “

Aunt Sharon took the bottle and- I couldn’t watch- she poured more of that foul stuff into the bowl and they all took a drink and one of them reminded me nobody liked a snitch and I pointed out that I was no snitch and if anyone asked- I drank the stuff from the bottle.

” No. Don’t say that.”

” It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

” She’s going to say it you know. She’s going to go out there and tell everyone we let her drink Bourbon. You know what she’s like.”

” Yeah. That’s what I’ll say.”

” What are you going to say. ” My Aunt Irene asked as my Aunt and her cousins hot footed it out of the kitchen.

” Oh Nothing.”

Aunt Irene finished making her candy, she piled it on the tray and took it out to the living room and I watched as my Dad, his cousins and my Grandparents swarmed the table- and started to wolf down the candy.

I decided that those candies could not be as awful as I remembered them- after all look how everyone was loving them.

So, I grabbed one and ate it and having no place to spit it out kept chewing until it was all gone.

I followed my Aunt back to the kitchen and she looked at the bourbon bottle curiously.

” Oh heavens, I didn’t use that much did I?” she asked. ” Anita did you see anybody dri-“

That’s when I hiccupped and the smell of bourbon flooded the room.

Merry Christmas.

Guess what I haven’t done yet?

That’s right.

I still haven’t started my Christmas shopping yet.

I’m going to wait until the last minute so that the stress makes me light-headed and the Mojitos I intended to throw back will hit me like a freight train running out of control down the side of mountain that is collapsing because it’s just been hit by one of those ginormous asteroids that killed off the dinosaurs.

Ho Ho Ho

and

Merry Christmas

I haven’t  started my Christmas Shopping.

I had a list but I left it on the bus

…on purpose.

:::The Only Good Cookie Is…Well…They’re All Good Actually

:::Baby, You’re The Ginchiest:::

::::Funny Yummy::::

:::TO THE TOP BABY….ALL THE WAY:::

Dear Kolchak, Micey And Darwin’s Mom

Please find enclosed what I got in my mail today.

I think you can understand why I will no longer be able to treat your cats at my clinic.

Please find enclosed numbers to an excellent animal psychologist and failing that a big game hunter.

You do realize that any song that mentions ‘handerpants’ will stick in your skull for the rest of your life.

You have been warned and you’re welcome in advance.

amm

The Beaconettes stopped by Archie McPhee to sing their version of the Carol of the Bells with the lyrics changed to be about Archie McPhee. The new lyrics are by Priscilla Walker. Find out more info about Archie’s store here:

Today I worked on a story about two Vampire Hunters  and I was wearing my Happy Bunny PJ ‘s

and my fluffly Hello Kitty booties the entire time I was writing.

In a fact I’d go as far as to say I was inspired.

Maybe Bunnies and the color Pink are truly inspirational when worn together or…