I hear this  A LOT :

” Anita, you could be pretty- if you tried “

So I have tried.

I’ve done the hair thing, the makeup thing the manicure thing, the diet thing

It is not a pleasant experience

I won’t kid you.

I would LOVE to be skinny.

Being  an offense to Nature and the delicate sensibilities of my fellow human beings is not something I take any joy from- it makes me feel mean and out-lawish.

I used to be a Girl Scout who did the crafts and cookie thing  until I got kicked out by our leader’s daughter because I forgot to bring donuts on treat day.  My point is, I don’t think I was originally wired to be vicious.

Rest assured, I  have not ruled paper bags out of my immediate future or my wardrobe. I wonder, would they count as one of the ‘accessories’ that might ‘help’ me?

I figure that about a year after I am dead I will look exactly right- I will be thin, my hair will be perfect, and at last my smile, which I have been instructed to WORK ON because it ” helps”  ( it helps- in case you are curious to distract the eye from the train wreck above my neck) will at long last be ‘nice’.

  I don’t need to point this out but I’m going to anyway- my smile will be perfect, mostly because it will have been stapled and glued into place- but none the less it will be there.

Best of all, after I am dressed – and I guess it will be the right dress that flatters me the best because someone else will have chosen it-  my makeover will be complete, I will at long last fit into the world of beautiful people.

I can hardly wait.