If you have kids…or if you have to spend any amount of time around them, then you know that nothing can chill the blood faster than hearing your kid respond to the question, ” what are you doing ” with the reply 

” Nothing. ” 

You just know that when you open the door or walk into the room or turn around and look down it’s not going to be good. 

Personally, I could never figure out using ” nothing ” as an excuse- at the most it’ll buy you a few seconds, I mean if you are going to run it probably more than enough time to make a get away. 

Myself, when I was interrupted mid-stunt by my Mom or Grandmother and they asked me what was I doing- I never said ” Nothing.” 

I’d say ” Guess. ” 

And then I would hear, ” don’t give me any lip, answer me.” 

Then I’d hear the footsteps headed up the stairs to my room and then I’d yell down, ” No really- just guess!” 

And then when the door would open and my Mom would stand there  and look at me like- well, all these years later I still can’t describe that look. 

” It would have been better if you had guessed first” I said with as much wisdom as a nine year old who could muster. 

Once and only once  my Grandma would ask me why it would have been better  if she had taken that guess and I told her ” because it makes it funnier.” 

” Do you think worrying people like that is funny?” 

I didn’t answer, I’d just look up at the ceiling and shook my head. 

” What are you looking at?” 

” Guess. ” I told her. 

” Do  you know what happens to smart aleck kids like you?” she asked. 

” Want me to guess?” 

I remember falling on the refinished floor in this fit of hysterical laughter and when Grandma restricted me for the next three days for smarting off I spent those three days in my room drawing on the newly  re-finished hardwood floor under my bed with my Dad’s model airplane paint. 

They found my artwork about a week later. 

 No one asked me why I had done that- they just carpeted the floor and locked up the model paint and instead of asking me what I was doing my parents and Grandparents took to telling me, ” I have eyes on the back of my head, so don’t even think about pulling anything.” 

 But of course I kept right on pulling things- in fact I out did myself for awhile because guess what- they did not have eyes on the backs of their heads.

I checked. 

Guess you weren’t surprised to hear I did that, were you?

When I was little me and my friend Bonnie used to sneak up on each other and then we’d pinch an arm or whatever was close to our grubby little fingers and say

psssst psssst goes the Bactine.

We thought Bactine was fun until we got a cut or a scape and actually had to use the stuff- in case you don’t know, Bactine is an antiseptic and it stung….

But I never went for the Band-Aids or first aid in general.

 Me and Bonnie were infamous for walking around with bloody scrapes and wounds because- for starters- we weren’t disturbed  by the sight of blood and we figured out at the tender age of seven that everyone else was.

So, to add to the fun  Me and Bonnie  used to bust into our medicine cabinets so we could grab the Bactine. Then we would play with it on the way to school- the end result, of course -was that when our Moms went looking for the Bactine the bottles were either gone or almost empty.

Later my friend Bonnie told me that her Mom and my Mom both knew we had something to do with the missing Bactine because we used to reek of the stuff.

When Bonnie told her Mom that we used to spray it around for fun just so that we could sing the jingle and say ” Pssst Pssst Goes The Bactine ” she didn’t look surprised.

As we were growing up and me and Bonnie would -upon occasion do something a little odd or strange one of our Moms would say-  usually in the Principals Office- they would say , I’m guessing in our defense “maybe they did it because of that Bactine Thing.”

No matter how silly weird we were, our Moms always seemed to know what we were up to and why or at least they tried to understand us.

So I remain surprised that Me and Bonnie’s Mom are still oblivious to things like

Me, Bonnie And Betsy and the time we tied my Radio Flyer Wagon To The Back  Of The Bus so that we could see how fast my wagon could REALLY go.