When I’m all alone
I sing.
I sing so bad my cats dive under the couches and purr- and I’m pretty sure they’re doing that because they’re scared out of their minds.
My dogs will stay with me but somewhere into the first song their eyes start to water and after I go into my third or fourth song they start chewing on their paws- at which point I stop because I’m afraid if I don’t stop they’ll chew their legs off or something.
So why do I do it?
Because it’s fun.
That’s why.
I’m not a hard person to shop for at Christmas- I don’t care about stuff, I just like opening the packages and being surprised.
Which means that I’m really hard to shop for because people think that I won’t say what I want…and when I do give it up and say what I want those same people think I’m kidding so these are the things that I have asked for and have never, ever received and probably never will.
Knives.
I wanted a set of those fancy knives that all good Cooks have in their kitchens.
I’m actually a great cook and I’d have to be because I use one knife and it’s never been sharpened. So really I can work miracles in the kitchen.
In case you’re curious
I will probably never get a set of knives from anyone I know because I write about people getting their heads chopped off… A LOT…oh and I was a Mortician.
And I have a temper.
Next:
I have asked and asked and ASKED again for a
Fiji Mermaid.
Yes I AM serious.
I think they’re cool.
And after 35+ years of asking I haven’t seen a Monkey /Fish toy, model, picture or keychain under my Christmas tree.
I suppose I will never get a Fiji Mermaid because- geeze I don’t know, I guess it’s because when I’ve been asked, ” Are you serious? ” I just roll my eyes around and walk off.
Something with Two Heads.
Actually what I wanted was a Pickled Punk.
I wanted something in a jar that I could name Bixy or Lil’ Chunkles and all I know is that after years of begging I have an empty shelf in my room with no Jar…oh wait I do have one full of fake eyes that float in water but that doesn’t count because I bought it for myself.
I can’t explain the Pickled Punk no show under the tree situation. I guess there’s no way anybody in my family is going to go to a store and asked for something dead in a jar to give to someone at Christmas…even if that someone is me.
Well.
I can’t fault my nearest and dearest for not twisting Santa’s otherwise open and giving hand to give me the present of my dreams-
I did it to myself.
I just ask for weird stuff.
So.
This year I’m going traditional.
This year I’m asking for something old fashioned.
Okay.
Fingers crossed everyone
and
Merry Christmas!
Irregular Bones 