::::My 2009 resolutions are simple::::
I want to write more.
Oh.
And I want to have a little less fun
because I’m sure you know- to much of a good thing isn’t good for you.
Also.
I’d like to be a little more sarcastic, you know to round out my personality more.
That’s it.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Cheers!
Anita Marie
Do you know what happens to suburbanites who can’t get to the Mall during things like Snowstorms and power outages and floods?
They get Cabin Fever.
That’s what some of my friends told me they had after being stuck at home during the snow storms and cold we had here in Washington State- which was funny. Not the snow part but them using phrases like ‘Cabin Fever’.
I don’t think most of them have ever seen a real cabin- unless it was on one of those TV stations that shows reruns of “Little House On The Prairie “
Anyway- what they went through was not a pretty sight.
Back to the story- as I listened to these ordeals I learned something new- ” Cabin Fever ” is no longer ‘a slang term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, for an extended period’ it is now code for ” I couldn’t get to the Mall.”
Let me tell you, nothing is more sad then to witness another human being stripped of the thing that gives them purpose in life, a goal, satisfaction- a reason for being.
Oh.
And Pleasure.
The Mall.
If it were a Woman men would kill for it and if it was a Man women would have surgery for it.
Come on, you know it’s true.
Anyway.
As I listened to my friends describe their own versions of being trapped in ” Hell House” I thought of all of those Sci-Fi Movies where we get invaded and totally slapped down by Bugs that wear spacesuits and realized how unlikely that sort of thing was- but not for the reasons you may think.
I thought that if Aliens came down from outer space and landed on the freeway and the Army ( or would it be NASA or the Air Force or Homeland Security? ) had to shut down I-5 and cut off access to Alderwood, Northgate, and Westlake Mall those Invaders would get their Space Suited Hineys whipped and kicked all the way back to their homeplanets as a bunch of Soccer Moms chased after them while waving their Blackberrys in the air and screaming, ” Move this thing off the freeway you jackasses, I have A LIFE !”
It’s sad to think that some of us wouldn’t hock a loogie on another human being if they were on fire- but they would beat back the Devil and all of his minions with their bare hands to get to a sale at Macy’s.
I don’t think some people developed Cabin Fever during the storm and went a little nuts.
I don’t think that at all.
Washington Territory's first Lunatic Asylum 1888
Yes.
It’s Doctor Who
and
The Twelve Pains of Christmas.
Good thing there aren’t 13
or he’d be screwed.
It’s sort of a David Tennant / New Years Eve thing.
Really.
Every year I make a list of New Years Resolutions
and every year what I end up with is a
” What NOT to do New Years List “
Except for 2008.
In 2008 there were two things on my list.
Write more and often and start practicing magic tricks again..
The writing Resolution I kept.
The Magic thing?
I think I’m going to go for it.
Again.
Can you imagine being able to pull that one off?
Cool.
Very, very cool.
:::So for a little inspiration:::
Magic Tricks- AND Treats
with Derren Brown and David Tennant
Consider today,
if you will
The Rebel Jesus.
December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
from
A Heathen and Pagan
a.m.
Photo:Carlyn Beccia
:::: A Twelve Day Journey To Christmas Day-
OR
Will Anita Marie Get Her Fiji Mermaid THIS Year?:::
Today
On
Day
Eleven
I Fess Up
So why am I here, writing about Christmas instead of out there making Christmas you may be asking.
For the last 11 days that’s exactly what I have been doing- I ‘ve been thinking about what makes Christmas special, about what I can do to make the day a little more fun for all concerned to be in and I’ve also developed a darn fine campaign in order to score the ultimate Christmas gift.
Trust me, learning how to put together a campaign that works on any level is indeed the gift that keeps on giving- ask one Barack Obama about things like that if you don’t believe me.
Anyway.
I did all of that without stepping foot inside of a Shopping Mall, I haven’t wasted one second stuck in a room with a bunch of people I didn’t want to be with and when I went to turn out the lights before I fell asleep I would turn to my husband and say,
” you know Luis, it was a good day.”
So on Christmas Morning I shall hope, as I have for the past 30 years for my very own Fiji Mermaid.
And if she’s not there, under my tree- what then?
I go back to hoping- that’s what.
Just try to stop me.
Happy Christmas Eve All.
from
a.m.
more animals
YouNews contributor "steeproute" sent in this photo Wednesday morning of a snowman on the beach in Seattle's Magnolia neighborhood.
Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Deleted by a.m.-yeah it was bad really bad.
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air? A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too? Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live Christmas tree?" A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life. Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail
Why is Prancer always wet? Because he's a rain-deer
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can?t hear you! What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you!
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along
with these new takes on old favorites:
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You’ll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
:::: A Twelve Day Journey To Christmas Day-
OR
Will Anita Marie Get Her Fiji Mermaid THIS Year?:::
Today
On
Day 10
It all begins to make sense
Photo: Roadside America
Don’t ask me why, don’t ask me to explain the psychology behind it
but I get a lot of request for ghost stories during Christmas.
Here are a couple that’ I’m really glad I wrote because not only do they creep me out I think they’re really funny at the same time. And for what it’s worth- in my opinion- these stories could have only been written by someone who
has a Fiji Mermaid at the top of her Christmas Wish List
( it’s on the bottom too- oh- and in the middle and written in the margins as well )
So without further ado-
from my Vaults at
May I Present:
Once Upon A Nightmare
” Once I had a nightmare ” my friend Bonnie told me ” about this witch who tried to break into my house “
” Okay, ” I tell Bonnie thinking this sounds like a good story to kill that long bus ride home from Seattle ” so how did it go? “
“Well, in my dream I heard my dog crying and in my dream I woke up and went and looked out my bedroom window. “
” And your dog was…”
” Hanging from a tree. “
” Like Hell you say. “
” It’s true, so I tried to run down my hallway to help get her out of the tree but the floor was gone and all I saw where the floor should have been was this dark pit filled with people with snake’s eyes and they were talking to me in a language I couldn’t understand.”
” I really hate it when that happens…” Bonnie looks at me a little strangely and I say ” you know… in my dreams.”
” Well sure. So anyway I go back to my bedroom and crawl out my window and then I fall into my rose bushes. “
I turned that image over in my mind a few times..
Bonnie isn’t into breaking a sweat for any reason- she wouldn’t run wouldn’t run from Lizzie Borden swinging an ax to save her own life so I couldn’t begin to imagine her crawling out of a window.
I smiled and encouraged she went on.
” When I get outside there’s this woman standing by Tippy and she’s got her back turned towards me. As much as I want to help Tippy I don’t want her, whoever she is, to turn around.”
” No. ” I tell Bonnie. ” You certainly do not want that. It’s a psychology thing…”
” Yeah well, she doesn’t turn around. She just reached up and grabs Tippy by her neck and yanks down. “
” Damn. ” I say ” So what did you do?”
” I run back to my front door and just as I run through it, the door slams shut and I throw myself against it…and I can feel the knob turning in my hand and just before it opens I lock it.”
” Good for you. “
” It didn’t matter, because the door swung open and pushed me back and then the Witch came in with Tippy. She was dragging Tippy by the rope and then Tippy opened her eyes and- she wasn’t Tippy anymore.”
” What was she? “
” Dead.” Bonnie says sadly. ” And I started to cry and scream for Tippy not to leave me and then I woke up.”
” Look, it was only a dream right? I mean Tippy isn’t really dead and the Witch didn’t get you.”
Bonnie looks at me and I look at her and Bonnie asks me if I think she’ll have that awful nightmare again.
” Bonnie” I say as I pull a rope from out of my pocket ” you’re not awake yet.”
THE END
Really…that was
THE END
let’s pause here for a brief commercial break:
and now let’s continue on to:
Washington Street
On the corner of Washington Street, just down the street from where I get off the bus in the morning was the rusted ruined shell of a phone booth standing in the corner of a Parking Lot.
The glass was gone, the coin box was gone and the metal cord that connects the receiver to the phone was gone too.
All that was left intact was a phone book that had to be about 6 years old.
One day I saw someone who looked looked like my childhood friend standing in the booth with the receiver to his ear.
As I walked by he held it out to me and said,
” it’s for you. “
It’s not you- I thought to myself-
I haven’t seen you in years
not since the first day of work when my code that was supposed to open all of the doors
wouldn’t work and the Manager had to key his code in for me and he couldn’t stop aplogizing because not only could I not get into the work area I also couldn’t get into my office or to the room where we kept the keys for the cars or the supply room
and
when the door to the work area swung open there was my friend
laying on the cot.
My first best friend
was the first person I embalmed.
It’s not you
I thought to myself as I walked down the street.
And the man in the booth called out to me.
” They’ll try you again later.”
A week later the phone booth was gone – the city was about to start construction on a new building across the street- and that corner was now being used for the Job Sight Shack.
The New Building is up now
The Parking lot is back
and so is the phone booth.
I don’t walk on that side of the street anymore.
I can’t.
:::: A Twelve Day Journey To Christmas Day-
OR
Will Anita Marie Get Her Fiji Mermaid THIS Year?:::
Today
On
Day Nine
Anita Marie Wonders
Is It M-all It’s All Cracked Up To Be?
On my very long commute home from work we drove by a Mall surrounded by ice and snow.
It’s a very pretty Mall with an outdoor carousel just across the street in the Park.
It’s awesome, especially at night.
But it was day and the snow- which is frozen on the sidewalk and in some places looks like a mini-mountain range- made me wonder:
Would I send my family into uncharted waters, dangerous situations for the gift at the top of my wish list- which in my case is
The Fiji Mermaid:
“Fifi”
is
No.
I wouldn’t-
and my rapaciousness for my very own Monkey/Fish is boundless.
So as I watched Holiday Shoppers- some of them nearly hitting the icy deck with child and gifts in hand I thought:
I’d be oh so very happy to receive some Divinity Cookies or
a Homemade Pumpkin Pie
Or a Collection of Thoughts and Ideas shared
the way Lori-
a friend from
Writers Group
did
And socks I’d be over the moon for a pair of socks knitted by a woman
called
and if I had a friend
( and I do, fa-la-la-)
Who created a Calender that was designed to showcase the works of her friends?
I mean, who could NOT be very happy with something like that.
And the questions would come to me again-demanding an answer- would I send my friends and family into unsafe places to get me a Fiji Mermaid? Even though my heart will surely break to find that now-after 31+ years of asking my wonderful Monkey / Fish is again out in the world, somewhere without me?
When I think of that Dad stumbling over the ice and snow to get into the Mall with his three year old in tow- and you know if Dad had slipped he probably would have broken BOTH of his arms to keep his child from hitting the deck-
or how I felt when I saw a woman slide and then catch herself against a bench- her head snapping back and her shopping bag clenched protectively to her chest
I think the answer is
HELL NO.
:::However::::
For one thing- for any one thing in the cases or lining the walls of
Ye Olde Curiousity Shoppe in Seattle?
Photo:Seattle Municipal Archives
Well.
There IS my
birthday to think about.
a.m.
Irregular Bones 
