We Are Not Amused 

On the ninth day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Nine ladies dancing, 
Eight maids a-milking, 
Seven swans a-swimming, 
Six geese a-laying, 
Five golden rings, 
Four calling birds, 
Three French hens, 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree. 

When I was 9 and my Sister was 6 my ‘job’ was to walk up to the Recreation Pavilion and bring her home from Ballet Class.

Sometimes I’d get their early and I’d sit in the back of the room with an ice cream cone and a black eye or an Eskimo Pie and bruised shins or a Nestle Crunch Ice Cream bar and a sprained ankle and wait for class to be over.

Most of the time I was wearing my soccer Uniform- complete with muddy cleats.

My Sister’s Dance lessons my practice day never took place on the same day- I just liked that look the Dance Teacher had on her face when I walked in.

I know what you’re thinking- but I didn’t mind watching the kids dance because they were tiny and funny looking – what I really hated was the Dance Teacher.

When she talked she’d lift her chin up so you could practically see straight up into her nostrils and for some reason wherever I was standing or whatever I was doing she’d be right there digging her little fingers into my shoulders and asking me to move.

Well one day I show up and all the little Ballet Kids are out of their minds with excitement because they’re going to be in a recital and they get to wear costumes-

I asked my Sister what they were going to do and she said something about Lakes and Butterflies.

” You know butterflies die during the winter. ” I told my sister.

It was December, so I figured my point was valid.

” Not at Swan Lake ” she says.

” Even there.”

My sister’s teacher comes by and hands me a list of materials that my Mom needs to get for my Sister’s costume and she tells me to make sure my Mom gets this list…. my Sister needs to be ready blah, blah, blah and when she’s done talking I ask what they’re going to be dancing and sure enough it’s Swan Lake.

Swan Lake with butterflies.

I asked, wouldn’t it be more fun if the little kids got to be ducks instead? You know, fluffy yellow chubby little baby ducks.

At least Ducks sounded like they belonged in a Dance about Swans I pointed out

” I want to be a Butterfly! ” my Sister says and a few other very concerned butterflies start to drift in our direction.

” There aren’t any butterflies at Swan Lake “

” There are now.” my Sister says- and she actually stamped her foot.

Right on top of mine.

I looked up at her Teacher and thought- you’re going to pay for that.

A few weeks later I go to get my Sister and I went early because it was their first dress rehearsal.

There were a lot of excited Parents- their daughters were about to become Ballerinas.

Oh boy.

And then they started the Dance.

I started laughing- I couldn’t help it because it was mostly the teacher and some of the older kids who got to dance.

All the kids in my sisters class sort of come out of nowhere in their little butterfly costumes and followed the big kids around in this rainbow conga line and then they danced off stage.

My sister was thrilled.

I was not thrilled.

My sister practiced those steps over and over- in the line at the supermarket, during recess at school (where she not only insisted I watch her, but all of my friends too) in front of the TV when I trying to watch it and everytime I put on a record she’d start her butterfly dance and you know- by then- this entire butterfly things was making me a little crazy.

She was only six and practicing her little legs off and that was it?

All that work so she could follow some junior high girls around and then sit for the next million hours watching them?

I had even heard that these girls were expecting to get flowers and their pictures taken- and what about the little butterflies? Especially the one I was living with?

Nothing.

Zilch. 

What a rip off I thought to myself…what a cheat.

My sister says, ” You’re going to go, right? “

Like I had a choice.

” You’re going to stay and watch the whole thing, right? “

Oh brother.

And then she finished off with, ” don’t you think it’s great?”

” No. You know what would make it great?” I shout.

” No.” My Sister says- and by no she’s not asking the question she’s really telling me to shut up.

” Belly Dancers. ” I said at the tops of my lungs. ” Just like the ones in ‘ I Dream of Jeannie’

A few of the Dads nodded at each other and there were a few winks being dropped here an there so I saddled up and went to town.

Right there in front of a bunch of butterflies I start to Dance just like ” Jeannie” in the opening credits of my friend Janet’s favorite TV show. Me and Janet practiced those little moves everytime we watched the show and they rolled the opening credits.

We even ended the dance with this big eye blinking thing that ” Jeannie ” did after she popped back into her bottle

I was pretty good, if I don’t say so myself.

My Sister sort of shrugs and starts dancing around with me and then we start singing the theme song and when the other little butterflies and even some of the big girls joined in the Teacher smacks her hands together and makes them stop.

And then she looks straight at me and then points to the door.

So with my hands above my head I shimmy to the door and out to the hallway.

The teacher followed me and she nearly cut me in half when she slammed the door shut behind me.

But before she did I heard a little chorus of butterflies ask hopefully, ” Teacher, were there Belly Dancers at Swan Lake?”

Only 4 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.