They’ll buy anything 

On the eighth day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Eight maids a-milking, 
Seven swans a-swimming, 
Six geese a-laying, 
Five golden rings, 
Four calling birds, 
Three French hens, 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree. 

The one thing my family loves to do at Christmas is tell stories.

We can make our trip through the check out line at the Supermarket with a frozen turkey and a can of yams sound like a Cecil B. DeMille movie complete with Pirates, Spaceships and the Crusader Knights.

Our stories are pretty colorful and they seem to take on a life of their own and for some reason they’ll stick with people for years and years and years.

Like the one about

The Lady in The Wheel Chair.

I heard the story about the Lady In The Wheel Chair ( actually my dad and his cousin  didn’t tell me the story…they sort of planted it in my brain like one of those bugs that crawls into your ear and makes it way to your brain  and lays eggs and then….) during a trip we took to Mount Baker.

It was during the first week of September.

Looking back at it I can remember the way they were leaning against the observation deck railing…and had I been a little older I’d have seen that they weren’t enjoying nature.

These were suburban boys and they were bored.

So with no wildlife to tease with peanuts or firecrackers to drop down into the valley below I was the next best thing at hand.

At of nowhere my Dad’s Cousin says, ” Hey look they fixed the railing- do you think you can still see where she went in?”

My Dad looks over the railing and below us is this little paved trail. ” Nope, can’t see a thing.”

” See what?”

” Well, they had to fix this railing here because this Lady In A Wheel Chair rolled down the trail from the parking lot-” my Dad pointed to the parking and picnic area above us ” and she went over the side here.”

” Did she die? ” I asked as I leaned over the railing and nearly did a header myself to the road below.

My Dad pulls me back up and he says ” well, she wouldn’t have but see they’d just paved that road and they had to use a lot of concrete so when she hit the wet cement she got sucked in and…well, she drowned in cement. There was no way to get her out.”

My Dad and his Cousin looked at me and then they both looked at each other and then all of the sudden they both got very interested in the view again and they turned away from me and I couldn’t see their faces.

” That’s better then a Doctor Phibes story…oh boy!” And then I start calling for my Mom and at this point my Dad and his cousin are laughing and then I start calling my Dad’s Cousin’s Mom too and now they both are about to pass out in hysterics and then I turn around and say ” Wait till my class comes up here next week for our field trip!”

” What? ” my Dad asked- actually he sort of cried and screamed that word all at once.

” My class is coming up here for a field trip….boy I can’t wait to tell them about the Wheel Chair Lady Who Drowned In Cement!

” Hey Anita…” they both chased me back up to the picnic tables and tried to tell me that the whole story was a joke and not to tell it to my class.

I turned around on the trail, put my hands behind my back and smiled straight up towards heaven and said, ” Do you think when the cement sucked her in she made that popping sound like when you have to use the plunger in the toilet?”

My Dad winced and started to rub his forehead.

His Cousin looked straight at me and said, ” Yes.”

So two weeks later my class goes on the Field Trip, I tell the story and after a bunch of phone calls from, ” concerned parents ” I get hauled into the Principals Office.

 I was told that we were going to discuss my attitude- and my lack of empathy for human suffering. ” It’s the way you talked about that poor lady and the callous way you described her death… the sound a toilet makes when you use a plunger to unblock it. That’s just not right.”

I sat there with my mouth wide open…I couldn’t believe it, my Principal thought….

” You really do need to show a little sympathy for other people Anita.”

I promised I would and when I left I kept looking over my shoulder at the Office Door and when rounded the corner instead of going back to class I ran home.

At the time it seemed like a very good idea.

Well, years later I’m at this Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony that my hometown holds every year and who should I run into but one of my classmates and he starts telling his wife and his kids about the ” Whopper Anita told on one of our class field trips.”

My husband sort of whispers in my ear, ” you certainly did out-do yourself there.”

” No I didn’t.” I said back.

I look at my former Classmate and then I sort of take a deep breath and say, ” you know, I may have had the facts a little wrong- but the story- that was true.”

At this stage in my life I was working in a Mortuary and I’d really developed  that that calm and quiet and dignified demeanor that you need to be a Funeral Director.

” That poor woman,” I said slowly and quietly ” you’d think they’d at least name the lookout point after her or something.”

And then sure as clockwork this guy goes on to other ‘ nature mishap’ stories and I turn and whisper in my husband’s ear

” Okay, now I’ve outdone myself.”

Now…Go Forth And

Make Your Christmas a Merry One

amm

Only 5 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.