All  Major Side Affects Should Wear Off 

 

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, 
my true love sent to me 
Four calling birds, 
Three French hens, 
Two turtle doves, 
And a partridge in a pear tree.

One Christmas, I’m not sure how it happened, but I ended up with my 3 Nieces in the back of my Jeep ( and NO they were not in the trunk- Jeeps don’t have trunks ) and we were going to THE MALL to see Santa.

There are so many things wrong with that picture- but I was feeling all Holiday-ish and the girls are funny in a Grateful Dead Fan on heavy meds way so I agreed and off we went.

When we got to THE MALL there was a sort of line and my nieces who were 9, 4, and 6 were pretty quiet for once- which sort of had me worried off the bat because every once and awhile I’d see them looking at each other and winking when they thought I wasn’t I wasn’t paying attention.

Little did they know- I always know when fresh Hell is being unearthed.

It’s in my nature.

So it starts the minute we get our turn to take pictures with Santa.

The girls get posed and the youngest  is on Santa’s lap and my Oldest Niece says, ‘ Tia, where’s baby Joe? “

So right away I see a bunch of people start looking around for ‘ Baby Joe’ and the Hell Raiser Alert light in my head starts to flash off and on.

For reasons yet to be understood my youngest son had nicknamed my cat ” Baby Joe ” and the girls had never liked that name so when I see them pass ‘the look’ to each other my Hell Raiser Alert goes on Full Alert Mode and my other Niece says, ” She locked him in the laundry room because he tried to steal food off of the counter again.”

” Tia, ” my oldest Niece says ” why won’t you let Baby Joe eat? “

” Cut it out ” I hiss- I mean it I HISSED because right there in front of Santa and his Elves my Nieces were doing something to me that their own Mother ( my youngest Sister ) had been afraid to do for her entire life

They were messing with my head.

Anyway, Santa and his Elves and a few Parents look like they’re going to make a mad run for Child Protective Services- which is conveniently located across the street from THE MALL.

” There is no Baby Joe ” I tell an Elf who is convinced I’m a liar but she goes to the camera anyway and sets up the shot.

The girls smile ( apparently through their pain and concern for ‘Baby Joe’), they get their pictures taken and wouldn’t you know it one of the Elves leans over and hands my oldest niece a candy cane for ” Baby Joe”.

” Oh for God Sakes. ” I start walking away and the girls are running after me and they’re snickering and giggling and every once and awhile they’d snort ‘ Baby Joe ‘.

When we got to my Jeep they’re looking very pleased with themselves and I’m trying to figure out which of my relatives put them up to this stunt when this guy- desperate to get into my parking space- tries to pull in before I’m backed all the way out-

and my Nieces are in the back- and when I turned I could see the headlights stop inches- inches away from the door my oldest Niece is sitting next to.

Well before I can get out of my car to tell this guy about my fully developed plans for his impending death he’s at my window in a panic asking if anyone is hurt, he’s sorry etc etc and then he shuts up and backs up and almost slips and falls and I’m thinking he’s drunk.

And I turn around and look into my backseat and my Nieces are doing something that I had spent countless hours teaching them-

they’ve pulled their eyelids up and rolled their eyes up so that only the whites were showing-

and they’re drooling.

My throat tightens up and I bury my face in my steering wheel.

And wouldn’t you know it- that  Christmas morning Santa brought the girls exactly what they asked for that day at THE MALL.

He even brought something for Baby Joe.

 

Only 9 more days until I reach

The Inner Circle of Hell

CHRISTMAS.