Yes
It’s Friday…It’s really Friday.
Is It Friday Yet?
Yes
It’s Friday…It’s really Friday.
Month: August 2007
An I.B. Screaming- I mean Screening
The Management…that’s Anita
wants this to go out as
a
PSA
the guys who normally do the PSA’s
are hiding.
They’ll pay for that.
Count on it.
Anyway…
She says this is art
and fine film making
and needs to be shared with the world.
Kill Me God.
Now.
Isn’t That Special?
My Last Words
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Your Famous Last Words Will Be: |
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It’s Been One Of Those Days
An I.B. PSA
There’s a difference between Women and Ladies
and how they deal with life.
Here are a few examples:
LADIES –
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant quick fix.
REAL WOMEN –
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it: So you will bloody well eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes”.
************************************************
LADIES –
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN –
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who gives cares?
**************************************************
LADIES –
Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN –
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on your arse on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
**************************************************
LADIES –
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN –
Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don’t have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
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LADIES –
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN –
Go to the bakery they’ll even decorate the pain in the neck for you.
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LADIES –
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN –
Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don’t do it.
***********************************************
LADIES –
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN –
Go ask the very HOT sexy guy who has just moved on next door to do it.
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And finally the most important tip….
LADIES –
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN –
Leftover wine??
Hello ???
this psa was brought to you by
the I.B Staff
and The Doll Guy With The Big Knife
FYI
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a TRUE FRIEND will be sitting next to you saying, damn…that was fun!
Source unknown.
Tribute To A Cunning Man
“Nothing doth more hurt in a state than that cunning men pass for wise.”
Francis Bacon
He sits at our meetings and pretends to be your friend
He’ s very good at it-
He looks like a kindly, indulgent wise old Grandfather.
He’ll let you talk and talk and talk and he will hang on every word you say.
And then one day he’ll take your confidences and
Sell them to the lowest bidder.
He’s hurt and betrayed and discouraged good people
From doing good work.
For Sport.
What else could it be?
The thing of it is, I had one of those Kindly Old Grandfathers
Who was
Wise and Patient and Kind
And this man who sits against a wall and pretends
To be like him
Offends me.
Now as we are about to cross paths again
All I can say is:
You deserve me Sir.
Sunday I.B. PSA
Okay…this is an emergency I.B. PSA
That means that the I.B. Managment found something REALLY IMPORTANT that the public needs to be informed about-
she also thinks that Flying Monkeys, PEZ and this movie called ” Bubba Ho-Tep are REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT too so keep that in mind when you pop over and see how the 10 Commandments have been Criminized.
Don’t ask…just click THIS
and remember…I just work here.
Does Your Wife’s Head Spin Around?
When a Monk calls your house after reading your blog and says to your husband, ” hey, does your wife’s head spin around? “
It would behoove you to make your weekly Prayer to God a good one…so here it goes:
Hi There God,
I was a pretty good person this week- you know I avoided those Express Way to Hell Sins…. Christ, I mean God….well, it was hard.
This woman who likes to run the pictures and workplace info of human rights activists that tick her off on the front page of her website was found guilty of shoplifting 3.18 worth of chocolate milk from a store.
I didn’t laugh.
I wanted to.
But I didn’t.
See, I did the compassion thing- which I know you’re big on- I hope you noticed.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this- but I’m going to be visiting this place at the end of the month:
I’ll do something Churchy when I get back. If you could swing it so that I see or meet some hardcore UFO people with cool stories to tell I’d be ever so grateful.
Now I have a question here God- I know you’re not big on explaining why you do what you do, but maybe you can help me figure out why people pull stunts like:
A few weeks ago a man missed the turn on my road and ran into my neighbors yard. He had two kids in his car and when some of my neighbors found out he was Mexican and so were the kids two of my neighbors- one who is an emergency room nurse and the other who prides herself on being a first aid expert and has one of those ice chest sized first aid kits in her truck wouldn’t go near the kids to make sure they were okay.
They were more concerned with trying to find out if the man was ” legal.”
I wonder, if I went to a real Church and made some of my friends and family go AND if I prayed more often could you make Intentional Gross Stupidity a Sin? Don’t say no too fast here- just think about it.
I have to confess something here God, I was at this resturaunt and this guy was rude- he was making fun of ” all the ugly girls here tonight”- so as he bit into his very expensive Pork Poor Boy Sandwich I turned to my husband and friends and said, ” do you know when a body burns in a fire it smells just like roast pork?”
They’re guys God, Guys who were into their third beer, they wanted to hear all about it.
Sandwich Jerk didn’t even ask for a bag for his untouched food when he left.
What else can I say besides
“snicker”
Oh wait
how’s about I just say
Amen
instead?
Okay….Amen it is and I’ll see you next Sunday.
Irregular Bones 