Well Hello There!
Your regular PSA Announcer
is
hiding
I mean
powdering his nose
So I’m going to do today’s PSA
These are blogs that
the I.B Staff
( that’s Anita and that Old Spice Guy )
recommend
you visit
If anything, after seeing how erratic
the Staff’s reading taste is
I’m going to look like the Sane One around here
so I’m sure you’ll be seeing lots more of me.
this was your PSA
from
Doll Guy With The Big Knife
Instead of saying
” I could just kill someone right now “
in the hopes people will understand how angry you are
Threaten to turn the Monkeys loose.
People are afraid of Monkeys
and they’re terrified of Flying Monkeys.
They’ll get the point.
Really.
This has been an I.B. PSA
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
Benjamin Disraeli
I was power washing homeless person vomit from off my loading dock today when from out of nowhere I remember this news story about a person who just won the lottery and they said,
” It’s not going to change me, I’m not giving up my job. ”
Man, why apologize for winning? And what is it with this humble thing? You didn’t win the lottery because you’re a good person. You just happened to get the right number or the right ticket and it doesn’t care who you were before you pulled it.Heaven knows I don’t either. Besides if I had won that drawing I’d look like the least deserving person on the face of the planet to win anything.
I wouldn’t be able to help myself.
So as I’m washing the vomit away I figure I might as well hose the pigeon yack from the railing while I’m at it.
And then as the water splashed up from the ground into my face I thought to myself “Oh sure, if I won the lottery I’d want to keep the vomit and my ugly face too. I live for getting the short end of the ‘stick o-life’ jabbed in my eye every darned day. Ooooo, I wouldn’t want to part with any of that!
But I’m honest; I’d look into the camera and say after the reporter asks the question (I would of course be wearing my celebratory Deely Boppers with the little shrunken heads on the tops) and I’d say with sincerity:
“I won’t be in to work because I intend to be on the first plane to California in the morning just in time for that guy who has a TV show about Plastic Surgery to open his office. Count on it, a month from now I fully intend be a brand new Anita who doesn’t have to hose vomit and bird poop from off of a loading dock anymore.
As to my future plans I’m going to be visiting places like Roswell, The Pez Museum and I’m going to Nevada to hang out near Area 51 and get sunburn. At some point in there I’m going to buy about a dozen of those bat house kits and nail them up all over my yard- just to drive my neighbor nuts. If he were smart he’d sell me his house before I get the Honey Bee Farm delivered.
Why?
He hates my cat…anyway-
My life won’t be about enrichment, it’s going to be all about living- which in case you haven’t noticed
YOU CAN’T DO IF YOU’RE WORKING IN A PLACE WHERE YOU NEVER SEE THE DAMNED SUN AND YOU HAVE TO HOSE VOMIT FROM THE STEPS OR YOU COULD SLIP IN THE SLIME AND BREAK YOUR NECK!”
Then I’d laugh, kiss the camera and do the Hula.
And I wouldn’t stop carrying on until they put me down with a tranqualizer dart.
Count on it.
It’s the Law Baby
Deal with it.
this is a special report from the I.B. Staff
Our lawmakers here in Washington State have declared that we honor the following:
See this Onion?
It’s called a Walla Walla Sweet Onion.
Don’t mess with it.
It’s got friends in high places in the Washington State Government.
That’s more then I can say for myself and I pay taxes.
Plus I vote.
Now take a good look at this little frog.
It’s called
It’s our official State Amphibian.
It’s only 5 centimeters long
the males are smaller then the females
and their toes are sticky.
Round these parts we call our friend
The Honorable
Pseudacris Regilla
Don’t laugh.
A Paper in Oregon thought what we did was Cool.
God.
And this is our Official State Ship
Actually, this is a good one.
She’s been in the movies
she’s a celebrity
and she’s never forgotten to wear her underwear
We’re proud of her round the old Puget Sound.
Darn Proud.
Did they kill for the money?
The Thrill?
I wonder.
This is the day I check in with God and tell him about my week.
I’d do it at Church, but I’m banned. I figured that out after I noticed that when I show up there’s like 20 guys who look like Father Merrin lining the walk up to the doors so- I get the hint already.
Dear God,
It’s been a long week.
It’s had it’s moments though.
Here was the biggest news story to come out of Mountlake Terrace this week- two kids stole a car and set it on fire.
Our major local paper actually wrote a story about it.
And God, they put it on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.
I’m not sure what mortifies me more- kids who burn cars or newspapers that write detailed news reports about it.
I have an idea, if you could send an invasion force made up of Flying Monkeys to attack Mountlake Terrace our local paper could write about an issue that really does affect the people of Mountlake Terrace and all of us live this lame ‘news’ story down.
It’s just an idea.
God, I know you promised not to do the flooding thing again but if you could do one of those surgical strikes and wipe out any theatres showing Summer Sequels I’d be ever so grateful.
They’re making us pay to watch repeats God.
That’s so unfair.
Bruce Campbell says in this article ( here ) that Studios are creatively bankrupt.
He’s too kind.
They were never creative to begin with.
Now Almighty One, I like a good laugh now and then too, but that thing you did in Hoquiam.
It was out of control.
Let me refresh your memory.
All these people showed up in Hoquiam for the Senior Babe Ruth state baseball tournament and instead of the smell of peanuts and crackerjacks they got to huff something nasty from the Ocean Protein Fish Meal plant.
Richard Stedman- Olympic Region Clean Air Agency
Something is ‘escaping’?
ESCAPING?
Excuse me while I go hide under my bed for the next 100 years.
Really.
See you next Sunday God.
I mean
Amen
When I was a little girl considered this song my own personal anthem.
And I guess I’d have to say it still is.
So I’m posting the video here with short info piece from my friends at Wikipedia.
Enjoy….
It’s one of those tunes!
ARTIST: Trad and Anon
TITLE: Iko Iko
Lyrics and Chords
[Originally a folk tune, the version “everyone” is familiar with was
popularized by “Jockamo” James Crawford, ~1950, New Orleans]
My grandma and your grandma
Were sittin’ by the fire
My grandma told your grandma
I’m gonna set your flag on fire
/ D – / – A / A – / – D /
{Refrain}
Talkin’ ’bout hey now, hey now! Hey now, hey now!
Iko, iko unday
Jockamo feeno ai nané
Jockamo fee nané
Look at my king all dressed in red
Iko, iko, unday
I betcha five dollars he’ll kill you dead
Jockamo fee nané
{Refrain}
My flag boy and your flag boy
Were sittin’ by the fire
My flag boy told your flag boy
I’m gonna set your flag on fire
{Refrain}
See that guy all dressed in green
Iko, iko, unday
He’s not a man, he’s a lovin’ machine
Jockamo fee nané
{Refrain}
“Iko Iko” (sometimes titled “Aiko Aiko“) is a much-covered New Orleans song that tells of a parade collision between two “tribes” of Mardi Gras Indians. The lyrics are derived from Indian chants and popular catchphrases. The song, under the original title “Jock-A-Mo“, was written in 1954 by James “Sugar Boy” Crawford in New Orleans, but has spread so widely that many people take it to be a much older folk song. The song is closely identified as a Mardi Gras song, but it is equally known as a Top 40 hit and a Grateful Dead song.
The story tells of a “spy boy” or lookout for one band of Indians encountering the “flag boy” or guidon carrier for another band. He threatens to set the flag on fire.
The lyrics of the song are based on Louisiana Creole French. The phrase Iko Iko may have been derived from one or more of the languages of Gambia, possibly from the phrase Ago!, meaning “listen!” or “attention!”. The line from the chorus, Yock-a-mo feen-o and-dan-day echoes the original title amidst Creole palaver.
I was eating my chips enjoying the sun and watching the Homeland Security SUV’s cruise up and down 2nd Ave early this week at my bus stop.
They’ve got a routine, the white SUV with the Homeland Security logo circles the block twice and when the white SUV rolls through the intersection the second time a black Homeland Security SUV passes it and then about ten minutes later they do it all over again.
So what could possibly distract me from this intracate Traffic Ballet?
A guy with a hammer.
There’s a guy with a hammer following two guys wearing suits and he’s asking how’d they’d like a taste of it up long side their heads.
He’s waving the hammer in their faces and both these guys are looking at everyone standing along side the wall and wondering if we’re all going to stand there and do nothing
There were enough cell phones at that bus stop to circle the planet twice and no… nobody called for help- big surprise. I don’t have a phone on me and when I turned to a guy next to me he looked in the other direction.
So for whatever reason the guy with the hammer lets these two guys go and turns around and does the same thing to a couple of other guys who were standing at the bus stop NOT calling for help and he’s screaming about how he’s sick of ‘ you all’ and he starts waving the hammer some more.
Then he turns and looks right at me.
I’m back up against a wall and I figure he’s got the hammer and I’ve got nowhere to go. And from what I’ve seen we’re all on our own here. So I shove my little bag of chips into my book bag and I keep my eye on his right shoulder.
Then I step forward a little and decide that if he comes at me I’ll have to kneecap him with the heel of my foot- and you know that’s nothing compared to a hammer but…
It was a plan.
Then he raises the hammer up, looks through me and turns and goes screaming down the street about how all he ever wanted was some respect.
I look around.
There are four grown men who look like they’re going to start crying ( heck no I don’t think that’s funny ) there’s a bunch of people trying to find something to look at except for these four men who are falling apart right in front of us… then there’s me.
I grab what’s left of my chips out of my book bag and start munching.
I’m still mad about this entire thing and I’m not even sure why.
amm
Geeze!
Pull a prank on your kid Sister and pay for it for the rest of your natural life.
Because of an incident involving a nightmare and a Baby Alive Doll my Sister owns me–( see #7 )
It’s a long story but the end result is that she gets to commandeer the Irregular Bones Staff (that’s me and the Old Spice Guy) whenever she wants.
She wants this posted.
And she means it.
amm
Here they are-25 things My Mother taught me
( except for Anita-
she was raised by Wolves )
I mean me –
Old Spice Guy
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next
week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the
store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY .
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have
wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
When I was about 6 and my brother Doug was 5 years old Chiquita Banana had an ad campaign going on and from what I can remember this woman with a basket on her head used to sing about Chiquita Bananas
“I’m Chiquita banana and I’ve come to say –
Bananas have to ripen in a certain way-
When they are fleck’d with brown and have a golden hue –
Bananas taste the best and are best for you –
Music © 1945 Shawnee Press Inc.
Doug loved bananas, he loved that stupid song and he loved to tease me because he could.
So on the day that he discovered Chiquita Anita rhymed and he could sing about his favorite fruit and torture me all in one wonderful stroke he sang that song non-stop.
He sang it on the way to school, he sang it in the bathroom he called me up when I was playing at my friend’s houses and sang it over the phone.
You’d think that he would get bored with the Chiquita Anita thing. And he did. Good thing he discovered Cheetos.
It started off as Anita La Cheeto and then I became Cheeto La Frito.
I never lived it down and on the day they bury me he’s going to magic marker Cheeto La Frito on my headstone.
But over the years I’ve grown and matured ( unlike some OTHER people in our family ) and I’ve learned to deal with my little brother’s stupid sense of humor.
When we were younger every once and awhile I’d deal with it by going into combat mode and I’d spread the stories like the one about how my brother’s girlfriend was such a mean vindictive brat that her pet turtle ran away from home and how my brother went out in the middle of the night to look for it and stepped on it by accident.
Me and Doug are both older and wiser now ( well, that’s HALF true ), Cheeto La Frito is patient, and thoughtful and Cheeto La Frito has learned that male pattern baldness runs in our family.
I am so ready for this Little Brother
Everyone knows Cheeto La Frito shows no Mercy- and if they didn’t before…
Well they do now.
Love from
am
.
Irregular Bones 