Anchors and Irregular Bones

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Anchors

The Anchors I’m writing about are the Anchors that help hold you in place when the forces of the world try to blow you around and away  like so much garbage in the wind.

This is based on a writing exercise at the Soul Food Cafe – the train wrecks called ‘responses’ are mine.

 

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 PEZ – they’ve given my life meaning and purpose. Plus they were the only food I felt good about eating on the job. I worked in a Funeral Home. You’d have to have spent time working in an embalming room to understand.

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One day it’s my dream to visit Area 51 and have my picture taken next to a bunch of inflatable aliens wearing sombreros. I want to wave around a fifth of Tequila and shout in Spanish, ” What do we want? The Truth! When Do We Want It? Now! ”

That way I can tick off Homeland Security and stick it to the Science Guys who suck the joy of wondering about the Universe straight out of our lungs.

I think it’ll be a rush- the same kind you get you drive up to a McDonalds and buy a Happy Meal For Kids so you can get the toy-and the thrill you get as you pull away because you know darn well you’re keeping that toy and the food for yourself.

It’ll feel just like that- I know it.

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When I was about 9 I got sent to the library to do some ‘thinking time’. This kid named Jeff poured glue on my chair and when I realized he had gathered a small audience of jerks to watch me sit in that puddle of goo- in a new pair of cool purple bell bottoms to boot-I smacked him for it.

I got busted for ‘starting a fight’ I kid you not, the teacher said I had no reason to be mad because I hadn’t sat in the mess.

Anyway- there was a bright side two this- actually there were two.

The first was I felt really, really good when I popped the little bastard in the nose and the second good side was that the librarian made me sit in the corner where there was this stack of books a class had used for a project they had worked on about the Ancient Egyptians and Archeology.

With nothing else to do but gloat- which I did for part of the morning I spent the rest of the day reading.

On that day I learned that violence may not solve anything but it has it’s own rewards and that you can really learn things from books.

Before he was turned into a rock star I learned about King Tutankhamun  and  I also learned about a woman named  Hatshepsut who, despite some serious effort on the ‘powers that be’ was not wiped from history.

A woman.

Cool.

 I saved the Very Best for the Very Last.

My Monsters”.

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They’ve made me less afraid, they’ve given me things to write about and their creators have inspired me to be more then the Anita I designed to be by doing hard time in the Suburbs with a bunch of narrow minded bigots on one side of me and scads of  Latte Liberals on the other.

See, when things started to feel a little shaky and I was feeling like that maybe this time I wasn’t going to be able to hang on- you know I was forgetting who I was and what I was about- I had my anchors…Aliens, Pez Candy, Ancient Egyptians and Monsters.

You should be so lucky.

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A Bruce Campbell Tribute

Bruce Campbell is my hero.

He makes ” B ” movies on purpose.

He says things like ” Bubba Ho-Tep wasn’t released, it escaped”

He’s a total Rebel.

I love you Bruce Campbell.

(my bruce page here)

The Famous Boomstick Speech:

Bruce Campbell interview with Craig Ferguson

Sucks To Be You

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When you sit around with your friends, or your cat, or if you live in Seattle, by your lonesome nursing a tall (not large) coffee- excuse me I mean ESPRESSO- and you’re planning what you’re going to be famous for one day I’ll bet you say things like:

 

” I want to write a movie that’s as good as Bubba Ho- Tep (well, that’s what I’d say)

” I want to be known for finding a million dollars buried in my back yard ”

” I want be known as the person that finds the cure for Cancer ”

etc….

I’m willing to bet that you wouldn’t think to say that you don’t want to down in history like:

 The first victim in the Western Hemisphere of Gun Violence:

 

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By Associated Press

Photo provided by the National Geographic/Puruchuco-Huaquerones Archaeological Project shows a nearly 500-year-old wound, believed to have been caused by a Spanish firearm, in the first documented gunshot victim in the New World.

Freak

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When I was in High School my main tormentor was not a girl, it was not a relative, it was a short smarmy smart ass that the teachers loved and the cheerleaders loved and his dog probably loved him too.

Had we grown up in the 1950’s his nickname would have been Chip or Champ or Sport, something like that.

So you’d think that this well loved shiny bright young man who was headed for a shiny bright future in the suburbs with a shiny woman waiting for him there named ” Buffy ” ( or something like that )and 3.5 shiny children- would have something far better to do then follow me around with his mob of shiny best friends and ask me things like,

” Why do you have to wear that leather jacket? What are YOU trying to prove. Freak.”

” What is it with you and that black eye liner no one cares what you look like. Freak ”

” Nobody cares about you or your stupid guitar. How’d YOU get into a band? Freak. ”

” Why do YOU ride a motorcycle to school? Freak.”

” You’ll never amount to anything you ugly dog. Freak. ”

It went on and on and one until day I lifted the jerk straight off the ground and gave him a black eye.

The questions stopped and his Shiny friends would curl their shiny lips at me and scuttle away when  we crossed paths at school (or anywhere else)

When I passed him in the halls he’d be mumbling ‘freak’-

of course.

Almost 20 years later I run into the one person at the Grocery Store who seems to know and care about what’s become of our Class. 

She looks up from the Fresh Produce, sees me and practically drops her toddler as she races over to me and starts talking about my Shiny Friend.

He had gone on to get the Shiny Wife and the Shiny Life and all of that got mashed into the rear end of a truck.

 My Shiny friend watched his Shiny Wife die next to him on the car seat and he expired on the way to the hospital calling her name.

” I can’t believe it, ” she cries.

By then I was working in a Funeral Home and I could believe something like this could happen to anybody. Even bright shiny people.

This woman bursts into tears and her kid slides to the floor  ” the world has lost so much.”

I tasted something sour in my mouth and before I could react to it I put on my Funeral Director’s somber thoughtful face and said with concern and dignity, ” It has.”

When she turned away I smiled.

I really did.

What can I say besides-

Freak.

Alien Ideas

 

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The Great U.F.O Debate-

are they real or not?

If someone tells me they saw Space Aliens in their backyard then as far as I’m concerned they saw Space Aliens in their backyard.

 It’s their story, so back off.  

That’s what I say.

What an Alien Idea

Allowing People To

Express Themselves

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The Dark Invader Strikes

Who would have thought that you could have so much fun tossing gummy bears at your friends?

It is…

here you go Ms Adams

The Blond Assassin Meets The Dark Invader

It started as a joke.

Gummy Bear Porn.

I googled Gummy Bear Porn and posted comments about the links at Max’s Blog.

What happened after that was strange.

I discovered people were really googling Gummy Bear Porn and because of my little joke some of them were being directed to Max’s site.

Gee I thought- that’s funny.

And if it was funny once it was going to be funny the fifth or sixth time right?

Right.

So I did it some more.

If I got the chance to say ” Gummy Bear Porn “ I did.

And now…it’s war.

Max devoted her daily entry at her blog to me and I’m touched.

See it here

I love Max, she wrote a Play about a dog that Exorcises Demons . To bad she doesn’t have that dog in real life…because

The Blond Assassin

is about to meet

The Dark Invader

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It’s Going To Get Sticky

around

HERE

 

Oh Really?

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Here in my home state of Washington two cases of  violence involving three students in a place called Bainbridge Island were treated by the press as ‘ those silly things that kids do’ 

The Press compared two girls who ‘allegedly’ poisoned a teacher to get out of doing homework as some sort of silly cartoon prank and when a 17 year old boy who made death threats against students was also found to be in possession of bomb making materials as well as a small marijuana operation-the press took it as a chance to go to bat for Bainbridge (again) to remind us all that they’re not ” like us ” out there on ‘ The Island’  

Unlike some other districts in the region, Bainbridge Island had managed so far to avoid any high-profile incidents of school violence — but Monday’s events showed that such incidents could happen anywhere”

-Seattle PI

Oh really- anywhere?

That may be the case but get a grip- they’ve been happening out there on Bainbridge- deal with it.

( stories from PI below )

Girls, 12, allegedly poison teacher at school

In a caper worthy of Wile E. Coyote’s finest failures, two 12-year-old girls from Bainbridge Island are accused of attempting to elude punishment for a tardy assignment Thursday by poisoning their teacher, Kasey Jeffers, with a flavored lip balm they knew would make her ill.  

Bainbridge High student arrested after death threats 

Police searching the home of a 17-year-old Bainbridge Island High School student suspected of leaving death threats at the school Monday found as many as 30 computers, bomb-making materials and a small marijuana-growing operation.

It’s The Count That’s The Thought

I love the Macabre and in honor of this site hitting 666 I’ve posted one of the most devilish scenes from one of my favorite movies….no I tell a lie

it IS my favorite movie-

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

 

Evenings

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Today a friend from my Writer’s Group

told us she has Cancer.

My Sister had it too.

I could use a good laugh right now.

I am so tired

and it’s not even close

to

nightfall

 

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