Bruce Campbell is my hero.
He makes ” B ” movies on purpose.
He says things like ” Bubba Ho-Tep wasn’t released, it escaped”
He’s a total Rebel.
I love you Bruce Campbell.
(my bruce page here)
The Famous Boomstick Speech:
Bruce Campbell interview with Craig Ferguson
When you sit around with your friends, or your cat, or if you live in Seattle, by your lonesome nursing a tall (not large) coffee- excuse me I mean ESPRESSO- and you’re planning what you’re going to be famous for one day I’ll bet you say things like:
” I want to write a movie that’s as good as Bubba Ho- Tep (well, that’s what I’d say)
” I want to be known for finding a million dollars buried in my back yard ”
” I want be known as the person that finds the cure for Cancer ”
etc….
I’m willing to bet that you wouldn’t think to say that you don’t want to down in history like:
The first victim in the Western Hemisphere of Gun Violence:
Photo provided by the National Geographic/Puruchuco-Huaquerones Archaeological Project shows a nearly 500-year-old wound, believed to have been caused by a Spanish firearm, in the first documented gunshot victim in the New World.
When I was in High School my main tormentor was not a girl, it was not a relative, it was a short smarmy smart ass that the teachers loved and the cheerleaders loved and his dog probably loved him too.
Had we grown up in the 1950’s his nickname would have been Chip or Champ or Sport, something like that.
So you’d think that this well loved shiny bright young man who was headed for a shiny bright future in the suburbs with a shiny woman waiting for him there named ” Buffy ” ( or something like that )and 3.5 shiny children- would have something far better to do then follow me around with his mob of shiny best friends and ask me things like,
” Why do you have to wear that leather jacket? What are YOU trying to prove. Freak.”
” What is it with you and that black eye liner no one cares what you look like. Freak ”
” Nobody cares about you or your stupid guitar. How’d YOU get into a band? Freak. ”
” Why do YOU ride a motorcycle to school? Freak.”
” You’ll never amount to anything you ugly dog. Freak. ”
It went on and on and one until day I lifted the jerk straight off the ground and gave him a black eye.
The questions stopped and his Shiny friends would curl their shiny lips at me and scuttle away when we crossed paths at school (or anywhere else)
When I passed him in the halls he’d be mumbling ‘freak’-
of course.
Almost 20 years later I run into the one person at the Grocery Store who seems to know and care about what’s become of our Class.
She looks up from the Fresh Produce, sees me and practically drops her toddler as she races over to me and starts talking about my Shiny Friend.
He had gone on to get the Shiny Wife and the Shiny Life and all of that got mashed into the rear end of a truck.
My Shiny friend watched his Shiny Wife die next to him on the car seat and he expired on the way to the hospital calling her name.
” I can’t believe it, ” she cries.
By then I was working in a Funeral Home and I could believe something like this could happen to anybody. Even bright shiny people.
This woman bursts into tears and her kid slides to the floor ” the world has lost so much.”
I tasted something sour in my mouth and before I could react to it I put on my Funeral Director’s somber thoughtful face and said with concern and dignity, ” It has.”
When she turned away I smiled.
I really did.
What can I say besides-
Freak.
Irregular Bones 